When I am with him, who am I?
I have talked about social chameleons and satellites before here. These people are they way they are because they need another to rotate around, to follow, to tell them what is right. This is an inherent quality in many people and although I may not want to be this way personally I don’t fault it. What about people that become a satellite? People that are strong on their own but the minute they are around the opposite sex they lose their strength like superman around kryptonite.
I made her break up with him
My friend Nina is a bit new to the dating world and appreciates me holding her hand in this respect. After all I was the one that convinced her to get out of a seven year long relationship. Shit, I better be there! This ex was very controlling and my friend very much lost her identity with him. She was sucked into his orbit where he was comfortable and she baffled at how she became so weak.
Nina is now trying to meet someone good but I think she is afraid of getting back into the game, understandable… She might as well have been married for that entire time. How can she get back into normal dating without repeating her past actions?
Riding the bike backwards
Lets say that when you were five your Mom taught you to ride a bike. She did everything right, was very supportive and eventually you rode without falling. Unfortunately, although she had great intentions your mom taught you to ride the bike backwards. At first it was very awkward and you didn’t want to ride but finally you learned even it was hard to see and the seat gave you an awful wedgy.
One day you went biking riding with a friend and they stopped you in shock, “what are you doing??? That is not how you ride a bike!” They showed you the right way and it seemed right but it was so awkward to change. You know the proper way to ride a bike now but every time you see a bike you want to mount it the wrong way. (it is so hard for me not to be dirty right now) Unfortunatelly your response might be not to ride the bike at all and this is a problem.
The two words I mess up in Japanese
I constantly mess up the two words Okosu and Okasu in Japanese. One means wake me up and the other means violently molest me. I have heard others have problems with this too and I can only imagine it has lead to either very uncomfortable situations or something quite exciting.
I have never straitened out wake me or rape me in Japanese because I keep repeating the same mistake over and over. Partially because it is funny and I enjoy people laughing but truthfully because I can no longer discern. The repetition of a mistake over and over and over again is extremely hard to break. Imagine Nina’s situation, she keeps wanting to get on the bike backwards because that is how she rode it for so long. She is afraid of getting into a new relationship partially because she will desire to ride the bike backwards again, something she no longer wants to do.
Breaking habits
Negative patterns in our brain actually become addictive because they scream out for us to revisit them. These patterns can only be over come by learning something to replace them and tenaciously repeating the new behavior. I told Nina that if she wants to get over this identity issue she needs to learn to ride correctly but this takes some serious focus. She is going to have to spend a lot of time learning a new skill and forcing her brain to go in a new direction. I suggested that she go as far as to even write on her wrist “ID” (identity) and look at it whenever she was out with a guy. Controlling your focus the first step to reprogramming and creating positive habits. Learn more about focus here.
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I have had this problem… I rarely actually like anybody and dated guys until I couldn’t stand to be around them anymore, most of these guys saw this as a challenge (not knowing they would never win). When I actually met a guy that I liked, I got nervous and I gave him everything that all of the other guys ever wanted which was for me to keep my smart azz mouth shut… which of course if you read “how a kindergartner taught me self respect” on this site you know that he was not very nice to me. At first I thought I was reaping what I had sowed but then I later learned that if you don’t stand up for yourself even a 2 year old will trample over you. At any rate, I figured out that I had better speak up for myself, even if I think the guy is not going to like what I’m saying… it’s better to break up than to be in a broke down relationship.
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