This is part of the rough draft from a book I am working on with Kim Hess, Divorce Guru
The book is “Getting back on the horse after a break up or divorce, a woman’s guide to getting back in the game” I am very excited to be working on a project with Kim and I can’t wait to see the book released! Our goal for the book is to help people get back into the dating scene, to know what to look for, what to stay away from, and how meet someone fantastic.
Danger signs: Avoiding the bad boys!
1. Never been married and considers a long relationship 1 year
Well this discredits me immediately! This reminds me of what my friend Jack from F*cking in Brooklyn said, “Him being married before means that he has a stamp on his commitment card.” Excellent point, and one that really matters.
2. Highly sexual right away
Is he hinting at you riding the baloney pony your first meeting? Crap… not a good sign, most likely he is there for sex, not relationship. Unless he has some sort of sexual tourettes I would move on right away, OR do what my friend Dating Diva does and sleep with him anyway! (Sorry DD!)
3. Drinks/smokes/smokes pot a little too often
Hey, who doesn’t smoke a little pot these days (except me, cant stand the stuff), or have a cocktail periodically. If that is the case then go for it but if he offers you “some of the good stuff” on the first date he might have a problem. People with addictive personalities don’t make very good partners, unless of course you need someone to bring your own addictions to new hieghts!
4. He is kind of a jerk but I find him so attractive!
Ahh… the sexy asshole that you keep justifying to friends and family that, “You just don’t know what he is like when we are alone.” Sigh… I thought you might be grown up by now? Are you still suceptable to the guy that feeds your insecurities?? Come on girl! Join a support group and get the fuck over it!
5. Is extremely busy with his job
The workaholic! This guy seems really attractive initially because he is so industrious. How can someone not respect a guy that puts in 16 hour days 6 days a week? First, people don’t change, you know that. Now… ask yourself, where do I fit into that kind of work week? Do I do him during his coffee breaks? Or while he is sleeping?
6. Makes significantly less/more $ than you
This kind of imbalance will only lead to insecurities on one side or the other. But he is mega rich!? Unless he is willing to split his income with you 50/50 you will become his property, no exceptions. He is ultra poor? Do you really want to carry his loser ass for the next five years while he drinks beer and complains about the economy?
7. Kisses your ass too much (the nice guy)
The nice guy is surprisingly just as bad as the asshole with a couple of major differences. You respect the asshole and/or might actually be able to have an orgasm with him. The nice guy? Probably neither, sure the lack of tension feels nice but without that tension where is the attraction? To really be happy you need to have that tension, minus the asshole part. A lot of people don’t realize that positive tension is a wondrous attribute in a relationship. Negative tension or no tension is the doom of any relationship.
8. Is way sexier than you are
If you have even an inkling of feeling like this the relationship might be doomed. It isn’t because he is so sexy that he is going to leave you, it is because you feel insecure enough to sabotage the relationship! So just assume that he is gay and move on to someone you feel more comfortable with. Does this mean you date someone you don’t find so attractive?? NO!!! just as dangerous, never settle, ever… I can’t stress enough how dangerous “good” is, it is the number one thing that is blocking you from finding “GREAT!”
9. Crappy/selfish in bed
A friend of mine is married to a really really good looking guy. Once when talking to her it came out, “Bob is so handsome but is so bad in bed I want to cry. He apologizes for only being able to stay erect for 2 minutes but it is so frustrating!” Any guy that doesn’t do his DAMNEDST to fix this, for the woman he loves, isn’t worth staying with. This is a selfish move and it pains me deeply that this part of her relationship is seriously lacking. Slap some fucking Viagra in his hand, or point him to the door.
10. The big talker!
I used to be the big talker until I realized I really didn’t have to be. It took a long time to be proud of who and what I am. Now I realize that reality is far better than fiction. A guy like this is pretty insecure and usually a mild liar to boot. I would suggest backing out of that relationship cautiously, since he will be more than happy to build a fantastic story about how your destroyed everything.
11. The Military, control freak
This obviously doesn’t have to be a military guy, but we often see it from this type of career. This guy found that he was the greatest, healthiest and happiest when someone was pulling his strings and now thinks that everyone, including his kids needs to be micromanaged into misery. There is really no changing this kind of guy, until he gets cancer and on his death bed finally apologizes.
12. Guy with too many friends (bromance)
The dude with too many buddies is very similar to the workaholic. His life revolves around his friends not around you. He could be and probably is, the coolest guy ever but if asked: buddies or relationship? Will always choose buddies. This type of guy is in eternal bromances and probably will never be able to give you the time you need.
13. The religious zealot
Was it the Kool-aid? Strangly enough this guy will put up with your aithiest ass in order to get a little ass, but as soon as things get a little serious the pressure is on! If you don’t instantly stop drinking coffee and start wearing the correct underwear you will be 86-ed like I was, at 3 in the morning, at Dennys last Saturday.
14. He could be your twin
This is a sneaky one that you may not expect, he seems cool, you have a lot in common and initially a lot to talk about. Why is this a problem? Well because the second you stop having things in common to talk about is the second you will be bored out of your mind. People that are interstesting are the ones that create excitement in our lives, and inevitiably those people are the ones that are very very different than we are. The kind of guy you are looking for is someone that can positively expand who you are as a person. How in the world could someone with all the same beliefs and views make you a more rounded person?
15. Doesn’t like change
Mr. Comfortability, this is the guy that was really upset when the A-team finally got canceled. He hates anything new and as a result will be very hard to grow with, only choose this kind of guy if you are reckless and need someone to reign you in, but I imagine you would want to kill him after a week. Just make sure you hide the body well.
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