This is part of the rough draft from a book I am working on with Kim Hess, Divorce Guru
The book is “Getting back on the horse after a break up or divorce, a woman’s guide to getting back in the game” Hope you enjoy!
1. He is open to sharing the bad
He doesn’t appear to keep any secrets, he is willing to tell you things that might make a lesser man uncomfortable. A man like this has learned that complete self acceptance means your “flaws” define you, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The limit to this, is if he starts telling sex stories about when he was in Thailand for a month.
2. Is still “friends” with his ex (but not too much)
He is mature and adult enough to be able to reconcile his differences with his exs. He sees himself as separate from her and thus is able to forgive her for things not working. The immature man has his self-worth tied up in her rejection of him, and needs to reject her in turn. Although this can be dangerous, since if there is still that “connection” you might not be the only one interested in having his baby.
3. Has kids and is a good father
Great! I like to think most guys are like this, but it certainly is not the standard. This not only shows quality of character but a level of commitment to others beyond himself. In converse, I know a guy that has three kids in two countries and doesn’t give a rats ass about any of them. If you want his number I would be happy to offer it.
4. Is passionate but not angry
Passion and anger is often a mixed trait, you want a guy that is passionate about his life and dreams but not angry! Since it is often hard to identify passion from aggression, some businesses conduct interviews during a game of golf, and nothing brings out emotional outburst more than a nice slice. If you don’t happen to have a golf course handy, make him sit through “The English Patient” and if he doesn’t punch something you might want to bet on this horse.
5. Horny, but under control
I like this, I really respect the person that is highly sexual but classy enough to STFU when it is inappropriate. I probably repect this because I am NOT one of these people.
6. Respectful enough not to look at the waitresses ass
This hangs out with the one above, any guy that is out with you but can not control his eyes is a sorry excuse for a man. With that said… If you ever go out with me, try to look the other way or I will wear sun glasses, whichever you prefer.
7. Is Open to communication
Okay Duh… Yeah I know you know this, but you might be in a bit of a crush/in-love situation and may be ignoring the fact that it seems to always be his way or the highway. Also understand the opposite, don’t mistake good communication for him being like Dudley Doright, trying to meet your every need. Good communication is someone that not only is willing to listen but to truly “hear” your meaning. Don’t you just hate those people that don’t listen and are only waiting to talk!? Now, what did you say again?
8. Doesn’t put up with your bullshit (see my killer post on I love that he doesn’t put up with my bullshit)
This one is a really big deal, you know when you are being a shit to him and he says, “you are being a shit, cut it out.” Doesn’t that kick ass??? A guy that has the meat sac to stand up to you is someone that you can resepect and stay with. If he can’t do this? Well, just walk on him and make him pay for everything, after all that is probably what he wanted in the first place.
9. Doesn’t get jealous, except when appropriate
This one took me a long time to figure out. I was either horribly Jealous or didn’t care at all. I think it is very important for him to be confident enough not to freak out over you having 26 ex-boy friends on your facebook. However, I also think it is important for him to show he actually gives a shit when you go to the “Thunder Down Under” male strip show in Vegas, he may not even care but at least he has the wits to fake it well enough so you feel cared about.
10. Is different from you, expands your life
Being with someone different is crucial to growth because all of us need to push the boundaries of our innermost fears. Maybe, you are killer at numbers and always get you taxes in months before they’re due, maybe he is a artist that hasn’t filed taxes in 10 years. This is a good match, you may need to relax your sphincter a bit, and he needs to stop hugging so many trees.
11. Able to grow with you
The ultimate gift is being with someone that is moving at the same speed you are. It doesn’t have to be in the same direction nessesarily, but there has to be growth. If one partner is stagnant and you are reaching for the stars there will inevitably be a time when you will grow so much, that one of you will be sabotage the relationship out of intimidation/frustration. Relationship balance is something we can control if aware of, although there is a limit and this is why, income gap, career gap and attraction gap, are potentially so dangerous. Don’t marry a gardener if you aspire to be a doctor.
12. Substance use is limited or not used
Hey, I love a glass of wine every once in a while. I also like a girl that can have a couple of beers and know when to stop. Alcohol is a wonderful social lubricant, and used in the right quantities can be a whole lot of fun. Any man/woman that is out of college and STILL likes to get slobbering drunk is on their way to a much larger problem. I have to admit I am horribly drawn to someone that brings out this demon in me and if they are cute, I am DOOMED.
13. Likes to exercise
Maybe you don’t exercise and if that is the case, damn it! You should!! Guys and girls that work out regularly are radically different than people that don’t. Sex is better, life is better, fuck… everything is better! Please understand I don’t mean a guy in his thirties that is obsessed with his body (Me..). This… not a good sign, he should have gotten over the fact that girls didn’t like him in High School a LONG time ago. Not a winner and probably a cheater, driven to satisfy insecurities of the past.
14. Works to live not lives to work (unless it is his passion)
There is a fine line between someone that is a workaholic or has passion for their work. A workaholic is someone that works for works sake, the same reason an alcoholic drinks. It is a way to escape life, as long as they are “busy” or “drunk” life can’t “get them.” Someone with a passion for their work is someone you want to be around, someone that can inspire you! However, he needs to have self control over his passion and not have his love life crash into tree, because like me, he is working 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. Hell, I am blinking blood from looking at this damn screen so long.
15. Accepts you the way you are
This is super duper important, he doesn’t like the way you look? Doesn’t like your job? Your clothes, Sister, or dog? Big problem, that will probably be reconciled by you picking him apart as well. Unfortunately, a lot of men and women will be fully accepting of their partner when the are in a good space themselves. The second they feel uncomfortable with their own life situation they will project this frustration upon you in a displacement maneuver. This when you maneuver them over to a mirror and force them to take a good long look…
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