1. He’s Gay – Hey I swear it happens! but is a bit of a long shot. However! I remember when my mom found a bag of dildos in my stepfathers closet, later we found out later they were for him and his tranny boyfriend. (Can’t believe I picked one up!!)
2. You want it too much – If being gay is the most unlikely this is probably the most likely. There is a pretty darn simple rule when dealing with other people. The more you want it, the less he wants to give it. (Of course if you are talking about giving him oral sex… he might be swayed)
3. You haven’t laid it down – If he is not making the moves after a few years, it is very likely that he never will. This is when you need to make it clear, “no ring, no relationship.” Put the fear of absolute loss in front of him, but don’t do what an ex of mine did, ask my parents if she could marry me and then actually offer to buy the ring. (We had only been dating 2 months and I didn’t say yes)
4. He likes free milk – This is pretty clearly related to not laying it down. We have all heard this trite saying many times but there is truth here. Why should a man severe his umbilical cord to any possible sexual relations with any other woman EVER AGAIN. That is like asking for his testicles for safe keeping, no way! (P.S. I like the female version of this saying, “Why buy the pig if you can get the sausage for free!”)
5. Sex is bad – I was sure FINALLY that this was the one but, after 2 years of attempting to bring out her inner freak I finally gave up. I realized I could never marry a woman that wouldn’t allow doggy style because, “I feel like an animal when I have sex like that.” Ummm… Yeah?
6. He doesn’t feel he has enough money – Right now in my life I don’t feel entirely flush with cash, this not only puts a huge damper on my dating life but the idea of marriage?? No freakin‘ way. In a guys mind getting married is as big a financial obligation as buying a house but at least with a house he might get a return on investment! (However if you are the rich one, discard this)
7. He is terrified of the whole forever part – Telling a guy that his sexual future is going to be bonded to one woman, FOEVER is a bit like making him commit to one food forever, with the added benefit of probably getting sick of it after 2 years. While this would be an excellent diet plan the thought of committing sexual suicide might have him a bit spooked.
8. Witnessed too much divorce – This is my personal demon, I have 6, count-em’ 6 parents! How does that happen??? Think you’re confused? Try being the best man at your stepfather’s wedding to your new stepmother. Witnessing a pile of broken marriages, cheating and the wreckage that ensued taught me very young that marriage was F-ed up. How to fix him? Drug him and go to Vegas, it’s the only way…
9. Is too comfortable in your pseudo marriage – Why in the world should be pull the trigger when it already feels like you are in a marriage? You live together, you sleep together, you shop together, you make him buy tampons and vagisil. What is he really missing that you aren’t already providing? The pseudo marriage is a fun time to play house but may ultimately destroy your relationship! Think about it, all the pressures of marriage without the absolute commitment? It rarely lasts.
10. Doesn’t want to give you half – He has some cash and you are broke with two kids. Why in the world would he want to surrender all that he has built for something that honestly isn’t all that sacred anymore? He believes that divorce is worse than a house fire and doesn’t want anything to do with it. (Ever play Robert Kiyosaki’s Cashflow game? One of the major financial obstacles is DIVORCE – “You lose half of everything you own!” Maybe he played this too?)
11. He is waiting for a better option? – I know this kinda sucks but you might be what I call a “place holder” you know when you buy a frame and there is a cute guy/girl/couple already in the picture? You might be a version of this for him. He keeps you around because you kinda, sorta fit the bill but not quite. He can’t and wont pull the trigger with you because you are not the “ideal woman” he imagined. I would recommend heavily cheating on a guy like this and preferably with his best friend.
12. Terrified of the whole “kid” thing – Now this is something that I do see as being pretty valid. I was lucky that my mom found a great guy that was willing to be my stepfather when I was only 5 years old. I think this is a challenge to a man who has never been a father. Personally, I would rather raise money for Bill Gates than raise someone else’s child.
13. You are in debt/make little $ – Closely related the whole “half” thing. I have a good friend that just became a doctor and started making 30,000 to 50,000 a month. My friend has slaved through 18 years of college to finally get this payout. (18 fucking years!!) I imagine his feeling is any girl that makes 2,000 a month will be a HUGE financial drain on his future. Fair enough, but not so cool for his girl… (Curious to see if the money will upset their relationship. Jumping from 3,000 to 30,000 a month, might be a bit confusing!)
I have no doubt that all of the things I most fear on this list will happen to me. Then you can laugh when I marry Octamom.
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