The White Space, the power of silence

Phone:

“Hello? Are you there? What? did I say something to offend you?” I was talking at the same time a little confused why she couldn’t hear me. I looked down at my iPhone and realized I hit the mute button with the side of my face.

Texting:

Me: “I wasn’t too stoked about your ex husband calling me.”
Her: “I am so sorry about that, he must have searched my phone”
Her 10 mins later: “Hello are you there? are you mad at me?”
Her another 10 minutes later: “I don’t understand why you are so upset, it isn’t like it is my fault!”

I wasn’t able to respond since I was at dinner with a friend.

Face to face:

“I really can’t take under 1,100 for it” I opened the computer noticing that it was it had been used and wasn’t as new as he had claimed, I looked back up at him. “My cousin used it once, otherwise it’s new.” I sat at his table silent but with my eyebrows raised. The silence went on a couple seconds too long, “I suppose I could go down a hundred, if you have cash.” I still didn’t say anything and 10 seconds passed, “8?” I said. He looked a little pained, “950?” “9…” He sighed, “okay.”  I had talked him down $200 with only two words.

Silence is one of the most powerful tools of communication there is. Silence challenges the other person to be comfortable in their own skin, to not fill in the void with their own self-doubt. This challenge tells you if they have the emotional intelligence to assume the best about themselves. A badge of confidence that we want in a partner.

Why play games!?

The most common arguments I receive run like this: “Why play games? Why create strife and challenge? How can you say that creating this kind of tension is positive?? Isn’t that the opposite of love? And the energy to maintain it?? I don’t want to do that!

When in High School, I loved to play tennis with my father. He was extremely good and even though I was on the tennis team he would crush me, inevitably rushing the net to send a ball hugging the boundaries of the court. My father had excellent strategy, which made it insanely frustrating and fun to play against him. Did he like to play against me? I don’t really think so, when he played against the women’s tennis coach  he would come home glowing like a pregnant woman. “Man… I got killed by Kelly again, her serve is just devastating!”  (hmmm… suspicious)

Being Silent is a type of strategy to make the game more exciting, it is a move of power that forces your opponent to deal with their own mental chaos.

“When I talk to you I feel a bit nervous but in a good way, I have to pay closer attention and be sharper with my responses. I think that is why I want to talk to you so much” – A really attractive girl that I am meeting in Vegas tomorrow

The White space

While speaking to my friend Jack, I commented on his HEAVY use of silence in his interactions. He responded, “Oh, you mean the white space?” White space?? Initially I didn’t really understand why white space was a much better description of silence. Silence is absence, but white space implies a canvas ready for the brush. A void created, that people feel they must fill.

More White space

In graphic design white space is used to draw the eye, and to accentuate the surrounding creation. A white canvas is ripe for the creativity to be adhered.  White space is the weighty pause the pastor uses to allow his words to permeate. White space is the generous time given to another to allow them to respond with eloquence or the time to digest. White space is a vacuum to be filled by the mind of the observer.

Sometimes I use silence to illustrate what is above, but sometimes I use it to run to the net to crush my opponent. White space can be a gift to your listener but it can also be a bane. In the past I would always fill in the silence to keep things flowing, to keep things from getting awkward. I was as uncomfortable with my own silence as I was with theirs. Over time I have learned that silence is a tool, one that I am comfortable to have played against me or use to my advantage.

Practical application:

Okay I know I am being a little vague about how to use this so here a couple examples:

• Not responding to a text immediately, in order to set the pace and take control of the conversation
• Not responding to a LACK of response, don’t be the serial texter that must have a response NOW!!!
• Something inappropriate was said and instead of a courtesy laugh, you show them a poker face
• Rather than seem needy, you don’t follow up right away with the incredibly hot guy that just Facebooked you.
• You don’t want to respond to anger with anger, instead you side step them with silence
• That guy didn’t call you back?? Delete his number or hide your phone
• Someone tells a joke and you want to be playful and respond with silence just to confuse the hell out of them

Related posts

• The effortless connection, when the game is invalidated (14)
• The DIG, one of the greatest tools of the game (17)

Tagged as: power of silence, The Game, white space