25 wonderfully, full of sh*t things women say

by Mike Masters on April 27, 2010

Huh?

Wait, I don't understand am I going to get laid or not?

The wonderfully full of shit things women say with my possibly correct interpretations. (don’t hurt me)

Pre/post sex bullshit

I love these type of lines, they are so deliciously transparent.

I am NOT going to sleep with you – Usually this comes out of the ether, slapping men with transferred guilt. What?? Weren’t we just talking about baby seals and the Taco bell dog? WhereTF did that come from? Translation – I just decided that I want to sleep with you and like that quart of ice cream I ate last week, I don’t think it is a very good idea. So, I am speaking to myself and including you in my conspiracy.

Do you have a condom? You do? That’s kinda creepy – Hey wait! Creepy would be already having it on. Trust me, it didn’t get lodged in my wallet because I thought I was going to sleep with you! (Wait, that might be some of MY bullshit now)

I have never had a one night stand before, you? (post coital) – Translation: I am totally innocent and I really don’t want anyone to think that I am really as big a ho as I was last night. Also, sorry about pulling the vibrator out my purse mid sex, I was just drunk enough to want to orgasm more than impress you.

Goes in for a kiss and reaches for the goods – Not an expression but it was brought to my attention by a friend. I never understood why the most unexpected women reached for the goods and then went back to heavy petting, you girls are fucked up! If I had a small penis would you at least tell me why the passion just hit a brick wall doing 90?

I really want to set you up with my friend, ____ – For some reason, I say this to mean either “Bugger off, you’ll never see me naked,” or “I’m obsessively in like with you, I’m too much of a pansy to do anything about it, so I’ll pretend that I don’t like you because I’m a stupid irrational idiot.” -  Man-shopper in Paris

Making him fit the relationship box

A lot of women like to find a man that is 75% what they want, then they try to hammer off the rough edges. Unfortunately it is often those rough edges that makes the guy attractive to them.

Do you drink every night? – Yes
Do you still talk to your ex? – Yes
how often do you masturbate? – Daily, when I am bored, hourly.
Is that what you are going to wear? – Yes, god damn it.
When you blow your nose do you usually make so much noise? You’re fucking kidding me…

The emotional setup

This is one of the things the ladies do that baffles younger men. I see it as a rite of passage men must slog through in their efforts to understand women. In the woman’s defense I don’t think she actively means to do this, hell what am I saying, of course she does.

Do you think I have gained weight? – This of course is cliché and any man that answers this without a resounding, “YES, you look like a deep fried stick of butter in those jeans. Now stop oozing and never ask men that question EVER AGAIN!”

I’m FINE, stop asking me!
– You are about as fine as the Titanic post glacier.  You are going down and if he keeps bugging you, Mr. Fixit might have an unfortunate accident with your pepper spray.

We are seeing each other right? – “Uh… yeah? Says the guy,” translated to his buddies: “I’m hittin’ that shit.” Your translation to friends? “OMG! I am getting serious with Rex!” Add excited giggle and multiple knee squeezes.

What does all this mean? Where is this going?
– Can you hear that? The pitter patter of mental feet fleeing in his mind? Right about now he is trying to figure out how he can get you to leave his immediate area and/or zip code.

Bold face lies

This is based on the more visceral female mind that believes if emotion is stirred into the mix, a very loose interpretation of what they say is not only acceptable but to be demanded.

Fuck you! My period has nothing to do with this! – I think my mom was the first woman to ever say this to me. Granted at age 13 I shouldn’t have been saying this kind of thing to my mother but I was male and certainly didn’t understand.

I have a heart condition – To my absolute shock I have had this happen twice to me. The first time she flipped out because she couldn’t catch her breath, then she vomited. The second girl had a whole bunch of fascinating orgasms, then ran to the bathroom and vomited. Is there something wrong with me? (Question, was it true or did they just drink to much?)

I never said that!!! or That’s what I said, not what I meant! - So, you didn’t mean to call my sister a controlling bitch?  What about when you were drunk and said the color of my ear wax made you want to vomit? (Like she should talk! hers was dead body gray color)

I don’t care, let’s do whatever you want
– Translation: Read my fucking mind and take me out to dinner, then surprise me with a serenade, a huge bouquet of pink roses and a bubble bath with candles and champagne. (Wait a second, are these fucking roses from Costco???)

My birthday really isn’t a big deal – Translation: Read my fucking mind and buy me something way our of your price range. The more it hurts = the more you like me.

Any and all orgasm noises – No idea what this means.

Displacement techniques

I hate to say it but so many men come on so damn strong that I understand how this developed. What I think is unfortunate is that these lines actually increase the level of cluelessness in your average neanderthal male.

I am into girls – Hey what a coincidence, Me too!

I’m on my period, I’m so sorry! – This is when you are unlucky enough to run into the guy that doesn’t care or is possibly into blood. If you feign horrible blood-curdling cramps as well I am sure you could frighten even Edward Cullen.

You couldn’t cope with my hormones – Did I just get used for sex? And then pushed away by that ridiculous line? RIGHT ON!!

Just plain mean

A lot of men are like puppies that cannot stop playing or trying to hump their favorite tickle-me-elmo doll. This leads to women pushing the puppy away, when he doesn’t stop she gives him a little kick, when this doesn’t deter him she grabs the nearest sports equipment and brains the little bastard.

I fell asleep – Has every woman used this to get out of a date at one time or another? As long as it was not mid sex I prefer to believe the lies.

Sorry, I don’t own a phone – I don’t think I have ever heard this one, but seriously? I imagine that fate would make the sucker ring the second that lie passed your lips.

I’m sorry, do I know you? or You’re confusing me with someone else
– This is usually after some horrendously bad sex or you can’t believe you slept with someone that just saw Kenny Rogers in concert.

Sorry did you call my phone? The battery died, I guess I missed a lot of calls – Ah… the battery died. The fallback of cheaters and the deathly afraid. What you can’t explain is how you managed to accidentally answer while the battery was dead. Hey I totally get it, the end call button is hard to reach mid sex.

And last from the master of escaping horny Frenchmen – Man-shopper in Paris

You can’t kiss me/come home with me because
(1) it will mess up my lip gloss
(2) I’m menstruating
(3) my roommate is a fundamentalist Christian
(4) I’m homeless

don’t forget to visit 20 gloriously stupid things guys say to women

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

1 singlegirlie April 27, 2010 at 1:08 pm

All of these phrases could have 1,000 different types of subtext (or none at all) depending on the woman. I personally haven’t uttered half of them.

Word of caution: I hope any man over the age of 25 would know better than to bring up anything about her period, especially if it’s associated with something nutty she said. Then you’re just digging for trouble. Offers of chocolate, however, are always acceptable. ;)
.-= singlegirlie´s last blog ..I don’t need a man. But I’m happier with one. =-.

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2 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 1:12 pm

Well at least I got half of the things you say.
I think I could do a whole post on the dangers of mentioning anything period related.

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3 Angie April 27, 2010 at 1:22 pm

You are specially inspired latelly my friend!
I would add to your list the “emergency call” from a friend during a date. If your date sucks, you can always say your friend is dying and you need to save her!
But if you really don’t like the guy, don’t care about him and he doesn’t get you will not going out together, you might use something more stupid like: my “answering machine” just had a big fight with the “vacuum cleaner” and they broke up! That’s so sad and now Im stucked at home having a very important conversation with my dear friend “answering machine”. I garantee, the guy will never bother you again!
Cheers Mike!
beijo

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4 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 7:41 pm

I should have included that one. I am not sure that has happened to me before.
So what do women usually do? Have the friend just call and use some sort of code as to if the date is sucking or not?

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5 Zoë April 27, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Wait a MINUTE. Didn’t I say that phone one to you? If that’s the case, go on, add a Zoë-ism to the list: “I dropped my phone into the ocean when I was cleaning my Frenchman’s boat.”

Translation: I’m going to Skype you to death, Mike. I’m going to Skype you until you call me “dork” and tell me to bugger off. Then I’m going to Skype you some more.

Hey, I loved all this blog love for Man Shopper. She’s such a gem. :)
.-= Zoë´s last blog ..Sex so bad I can’t even make up a witty title for it. =-.

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6 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 9:21 pm

God… Please stop serial skyping me!
I am going to call the authorities and get a skype restraining order slapped on your ass. I mean that literally.

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7 Zoë April 28, 2010 at 8:26 am

Looking forward to it, my dear Mike. And no, I have no plans to stop Skyping you.
.-= Zoë´s last blog ..Sex so bad I can’t even make up a witty title for it. =-.

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8 Dating Diva April 27, 2010 at 2:16 pm

I don’t really think I’ve said any of these, but I have to say I thought of you when I tried to decline sex recently due to my period. Since we all know you love period sex, I thought it was humorous when Nick said, “Why not? It’s like putting ketchup on a hot dog.” NICE! Thought you would like that.

Miss you by the way. xx
.-= Dating Diva´s last blog ..First Love’s: Who Was Yours? =-.

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9 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 9:58 pm

You so lie, you are the person this is actually based on!

Putting ketchup on a hotdog, nasty… At least there is no mustard or relish involved.

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10 lisa April 27, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Surprisingly, I’m not too upset about this post! Sorry Mike! :-D

Lisa “So Full Of It, Her Eyes Are Brown” Sonrisa
.-= lisa´s last blog .. :-) =-.

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11 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 9:58 pm

Well I am far more interested in entertaining than upsetting but I will see what I can do next time.

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12 Man-shopper April 27, 2010 at 4:06 pm

I can’t help loving this post and loving you for writing it — and not only because my stupid speak features so prominently in it ;) . Criminally funny, well-presented (great headings!), and very educational for both sexes, I’d say.

In fact, I’m fairly certain that I’m going to say at least one of those lines from the “Just plain mean” section this weekend. I just can’t help myself. And it’s just so tempting to brain the little bastard when he’s pissing me off.

There may a special circle in hell for people like me.
.-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Ms. Perv-Magnet =-.

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13 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 10:05 pm

Hey MS!
you of course were a very inspirational part of this, if it were not for your excellent contributions the post would have been not nearly as good.

I look forward to hearing about the “just plain mean” comment you use. Will it be something like, “Is it in?” or “did your condom just come off inside of me?” or maybe, “No, I am not fucking going to say, me love you long time!”

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14 Man-shopper April 28, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Oh man, I’ve said all those things. That love-you-long-time one, I’ve had to say many times. Damn Vietnam War. Even though it was decades ago, it’s going to mess with the love lives of Viet girls for centuries to come.

But I doubt that my weekend plans will be exciting enough to merit those doozies. In all likelihood, I’ll probably be telling my date that I don’t own a phone, all the while knowing full well that he’s been texting me on it (and I’ve responded! D’oh!) for the past week. Because I’m just that smooth.
.-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Ms. Perv-Magnet =-.

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15 Lifebeginsat30ty April 27, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Bwahahaha. Okay….have…to…stop….laughing. *bowls over*

The first one! Starting it off right, lol. That is soooo true! It’s more like one of those things that probably should have stayed in your own head than come out of your mouth. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever ‘said’ it to anyone. Then they’d know I was actually thinking about sleeping with them ;)

But fitting into a relationship box? That’s because, mostly, we just don’t want to be embarrassed in public ;)

I don’t do the emotional setup. I’m more likely to say how it is than to ask questions. If you have to ask, you don’t want the answer.

“I don’t care, do whatever you want” is akin to I wanted you to fuck off 5 minutes ago.

“Orgasm noises” – maybe it’d be good to find out?

“It will mess up my lip gloss.” OMG. THAT is funny!

I’ve got a few:
-”Look me up on facebook.” (you creep me out, so this way I can reject you from the safety of my living room)
-”I don’t mind where we go.” (I’m testing you to see how creative/adventurous/interested in me you are)
-”I’ll meet you there” (you are a potential stalker until proven otherwise)
.-= Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..I will never understand men =-.

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16 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Those are pretty good!
I like the potential stalker one.

“I don’t care, do whatever you want” Really should have read, LETS do whatever you want. It sounds to me like she is naked and him with a quart of lube. Your interpretation works too but I am going to change it now before I forget.

So what is a girl’s feel about being asked her FB rather than a number?

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17 Lifebeginsat30ty April 28, 2010 at 10:03 am

Haha. Too late, I’m going with you interpretation from now on ;)

I’ll email you later about FB. Would take too long to explain here!

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18 Annabelle April 27, 2010 at 5:58 pm

Ok, so I’ve uttered about half those statements for completely self-serving bitchy reasons, although I haven’t lately (I consider myself reformed). HOWEVER the whole “I’m not going to sleep with you” thing I think is usually blurted when a girl feels a little threatened. Personally, I’ve been in situations where one date in the guy gets all touchy and bleary-eyed and creeptastic, and I’m faced with 2 options: 1) Tell him straight up I’m keeping my pants on, or 2) Get all kissy & cute only to back off when I’m at my limit, be accused of blue balling, and then deal with the subsequent aggression which can lead to not-so-nice things.

You can say “don’t lead the dude on to the point where he gets like that that in the first place” but let’s face it… with some guys it doesn’t take much.

Anyway, love your blog!

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19 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 10:19 pm

I have never had the particualar comment spat out without either: having sex that night OR torturing the girl for wanting to have sex with me.
I understand that some women would say this out of defense, but I haven’t heard it in that context yet. (and hopefully I never will)

If I were a girl I would deal with men similar to the way I would deal with an aggressive dog. With a higher level of aggression, I don’t think many girls realize how fearful men are of women and therefore they don’t flex those muscles as often as they should.

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20 Jillian April 27, 2010 at 6:47 pm

HAHAHHAHAHAHHA…….

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH……

*giggle*

*snort*

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH
.-= Jillian´s last blog ..Asking for help =-.

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21 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 10:21 pm

If there were a fart in there I really would have been flattered. That would have been a total loss of laughter control.

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22 Jayme April 27, 2010 at 7:59 pm

The heart condition one! hahaha the first one was prob a panic attack (which can make you vomit and lose your breath) the other was prob just over worked stomach muscles after all that fun.

This list if hilarious

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23 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 10:32 pm

Actually I know the first person was telling the truth because she had a big scar over her sternum and I had to bring her orgasms over very cautiously.

The second person probably was telling the truth because her medical speak was pretty darn good. (but there was a lot of alcohol involved)

I made a Japanese girl vomit once but that was probably because she smoked a lot and after 10 minutes she was so tired that I thought I killed her.

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24 Miss Alpha April 27, 2010 at 10:43 pm

I rather enjoy the idea of honesty. For example…

“I’m not going to sleep with you because I am not attracted to you.”
“I think we should break up because I don’t see a future with you.”
“I don’t want to kiss you in the morning because morning breath is gross.”

It just doesn’t make for a very funny blog post ;)
.-= Miss Alpha´s last blog ..Finding the right "fit" =-.

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25 Mike Masters April 27, 2010 at 10:55 pm

Okay kinda like
“I am not going to talk to you because you haven’t commented on my blog in a long time and I feel a bit butt hurt and I want to pout.”

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26 Kali April 28, 2010 at 8:21 am

Mike, I don’t know why you think you’re going to get so much shit for this article. I think it’s awesome! I have to say, the Costco Flowers line made me laugh SO hard. Love it!

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27 LoveintheDumps May 1, 2010 at 10:55 pm

I hear #2 all the time, and find it offensive!!
.-= LoveintheDumps´s last blog ..Types of dysfunctional daters: the Lame Horse Bettor =-.

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