The wonderfully full of shit things women say with my possibly correct interpretations. (don’t hurt me)
Pre/post sex bullshit
I love these type of lines, they are so deliciously transparent.
I am NOT going to sleep with you – Usually this comes out of the ether, slapping men with transferred guilt. What?? Weren’t we just talking about baby seals and the Taco bell dog? WhereTF did that come from? Translation – I just decided that I want to sleep with you and like that quart of ice cream I ate last week, I don’t think it is a very good idea. So, I am speaking to myself and including you in my conspiracy.
Do you have a condom? You do? That’s kinda creepy – Hey wait! Creepy would be already having it on. Trust me, it didn’t get lodged in my wallet because I thought I was going to sleep with you! (Wait, that might be some of MY bullshit now)
I have never had a one night stand before, you? (post coital) – Translation: I am totally innocent and I really don’t want anyone to think that I am really as big a ho as I was last night. Also, sorry about pulling the vibrator out my purse mid sex, I was just drunk enough to want to orgasm more than impress you.
Goes in for a kiss and reaches for the goods – Not an expression but it was brought to my attention by a friend. I never understood why the most unexpected women reached for the goods and then went back to heavy petting, you girls are fucked up! If I had a small penis would you at least tell me why the passion just hit a brick wall doing 90?
I really want to set you up with my friend, ____ – For some reason, I say this to mean either “Bugger off, you’ll never see me naked,” or “I’m obsessively in like with you, I’m too much of a pansy to do anything about it, so I’ll pretend that I don’t like you because I’m a stupid irrational idiot.” - Man-shopper in Paris
Making him fit the relationship box
A lot of women like to find a man that is 75% what they want, then they try to hammer off the rough edges. Unfortunately it is often those rough edges that makes the guy attractive to them.
Do you drink every night? – Yes
Do you still talk to your ex? – Yes
how often do you masturbate? – Daily, when I am bored, hourly.
Is that what you are going to wear? – Yes, god damn it.
When you blow your nose do you usually make so much noise? You’re fucking kidding me…
The emotional setup
This is one of the things the ladies do that baffles younger men. I see it as a rite of passage men must slog through in their efforts to understand women. In the woman’s defense I don’t think she actively means to do this, hell what am I saying, of course she does.
Do you think I have gained weight? – This of course is cliché and any man that answers this without a resounding, “YES, you look like a deep fried stick of butter in those jeans. Now stop oozing and never ask men that question EVER AGAIN!”
I’m FINE, stop asking me! – You are about as fine as the Titanic post glacier. You are going down and if he keeps bugging you, Mr. Fixit might have an unfortunate accident with your pepper spray.
We are seeing each other right? – “Uh… yeah? Says the guy,” translated to his buddies: “I’m hittin’ that shit.” Your translation to friends? “OMG! I am getting serious with Rex!” Add excited giggle and multiple knee squeezes.
What does all this mean? Where is this going? – Can you hear that? The pitter patter of mental feet fleeing in his mind? Right about now he is trying to figure out how he can get you to leave his immediate area and/or zip code.
Bold face lies
This is based on the more visceral female mind that believes if emotion is stirred into the mix, a very loose interpretation of what they say is not only acceptable but to be demanded.
Fuck you! My period has nothing to do with this! – I think my mom was the first woman to ever say this to me. Granted at age 13 I shouldn’t have been saying this kind of thing to my mother but I was male and certainly didn’t understand.
I have a heart condition – To my absolute shock I have had this happen twice to me. The first time she flipped out because she couldn’t catch her breath, then she vomited. The second girl had a whole bunch of fascinating orgasms, then ran to the bathroom and vomited. Is there something wrong with me? (Question, was it true or did they just drink to much?)
I never said that!!! or That’s what I said, not what I meant! - So, you didn’t mean to call my sister a controlling bitch? What about when you were drunk and said the color of my ear wax made you want to vomit? (Like she should talk! hers was dead body gray color)
I don’t care, let’s do whatever you want – Translation: Read my fucking mind and take me out to dinner, then surprise me with a serenade, a huge bouquet of pink roses and a bubble bath with candles and champagne. (Wait a second, are these fucking roses from Costco???)
My birthday really isn’t a big deal – Translation: Read my fucking mind and buy me something way our of your price range. The more it hurts = the more you like me.
Any and all orgasm noises – No idea what this means.
I hate to say it but so many men come on so damn strong that I understand how this developed. What I think is unfortunate is that these lines actually increase the level of cluelessness in your average neanderthal male.
I am into girls – Hey what a coincidence, Me too!
I’m on my period, I’m so sorry! – This is when you are unlucky enough to run into the guy that doesn’t care or is possibly into blood. If you feign horrible blood-curdling cramps as well I am sure you could frighten even Edward Cullen.
You couldn’t cope with my hormones – Did I just get used for sex? And then pushed away by that ridiculous line? RIGHT ON!!
Just plain mean
A lot of men are like puppies that cannot stop playing or trying to hump their favorite tickle-me-elmo doll. This leads to women pushing the puppy away, when he doesn’t stop she gives him a little kick, when this doesn’t deter him she grabs the nearest sports equipment and brains the little bastard.
I fell asleep – Has every woman used this to get out of a date at one time or another? As long as it was not mid sex I prefer to believe the lies.
Sorry, I don’t own a phone – I don’t think I have ever heard this one, but seriously? I imagine that fate would make the sucker ring the second that lie passed your lips.
I’m sorry, do I know you? or You’re confusing me with someone else – This is usually after some horrendously bad sex or you can’t believe you slept with someone that just saw Kenny Rogers in concert.
Sorry did you call my phone? The battery died, I guess I missed a lot of calls – Ah… the battery died. The fallback of cheaters and the deathly afraid. What you can’t explain is how you managed to accidentally answer while the battery was dead. Hey I totally get it, the end call button is hard to reach mid sex.
And last from the master of escaping horny Frenchmen – Man-shopper in Paris
You can’t kiss me/come home with me because
(1) it will mess up my lip gloss
(2) I’m menstruating
(3) my roommate is a fundamentalist Christian
(4) I’m homeless
don’t forget to visit 20 gloriously stupid things guys say to women