20 gloriously stupid things guys say to women

by Mike Masters on April 22, 2010

with her it was just sex, but I LOVE you!

with her it was just sex, but I LOVE you!

1. Stupid speak
A statement from a man or a woman that has dual meanings. Often the meaning is veiled from the speaker as well as the listener.

2. Stupid speak
The majority of things that come out of Mike’s mouth, with full knowledge of both meanings.

I love stupid speak, simply because I get to translate and unravel what the user really intended OR I get to throw down some really confusing prose, to harass confuse and befuddle my target.

Examples of girl/guy, post coital stupid speak:

I just have too much going on to really get serious right now
I really think we are better as friends.
I still want to be your friend
I’m attracted to you but I do not believe its worth our friendship to continue

Post coital freakout is very simple, you shouldn’t have screwed. The friendship “out” is so often used even if you aren’t friends. You could be mortal enemies but somehow moving him or her from terrifying relationship potential to friend status mitigates the let down. I usually sleep with all my friends beforehand just to get it out of the way. (I have no male friends for those of you wanting to joke)

Sex talk stupid speak:

Am I the biggest you have ever been with? – Translation: A couple of ladies have lied to me and I would love it if you did as well. This not only feeds my ego but allows me to relax since I don’t have to emotionally battle with your exs massive member.

Come on baby, Just the tip - Translation: “Saki cho dake” this is Japanese for “Just the tip,” in fact I think most languages have a version of this. Apparently men from around the world figure if they can just get their penile foot in the door they can force it open, usually they are right.

My girlfriend and I have an open relationship - Translation:  She probably actually said, “I don’t mind if you have female friends.” Which was thus translated in his mind as, “Make and sleep with as many female friends as you can and if you get caught you can fall back on this lame misunderstanding!”

It is easiest for me to cum from behind - Translation: If you have ever heard that from me please ignore, with most men it means one of two things: either he has a small package and doesn’t want you to see OR while he is hamster-ing your backside he is imagining another girl more easily. I usually ask her to just go all out and wear my ex’s clothing.

Have you ever been in a threeway? – Translation: This is double edged like the size question, he is asking if you are a slut, so he can get disturbed and he also figures this would be a great way to approach the subject of him having sex with another woman, which really is his agenda. (Guys, really really worry if SHE brings this up)

Do you always get excited like this in bed? – Translation: this is pure inexperience on his part, he wants to know if he is the cause, so he can pin it to his manliness! OR if you would respond the same on a bicycle with a hard seat.

Was it hard to keep up with me? You have never had it like that have you… – Translation: He is relatively young and is pretty full of himself. He has had a few women tell him he is the most amazing lover EVER! And since you didn’t tell him yet he is ego fishing. I would respond with something that makes him work for it, “You were pretty good but I am not digging that whole refractory period part.”

Relationship stupid speak:

I just don’t want a relationship right now - Translation: “I really shouldn’t have slept with you, would you mind not telling my friends?”

I really respect you for your mind – Translation: “Could you lose a few pounds? Possibly get a boob job?”

You scare me, I don’t want to fall in love with you because I cant have you – Translation: I have been temporarily hijacked by my penises’ ego and the fact that I can’t have you is driving me to say something totally untrue.

I am private about relationships and I cant share right now - Translation: I am probably married or engaged and I expect that you are so into me that you won’t bother to ask. Now hurry up, fall in love with me, so that I can disappear without a trace in two months.

I’d totally date you but I’ve seen your mom – Translation: Wow, if this were true I would be forever single. My ex’s mom had breath so bad it could melt your contacts at 4 ft. No joke…
Any guy that has the guts to say this is a keeper, rip on his father and immediately sleep with him.

I am not happy and u make me feel it again – Translation: I am obsessed with this feeling that my penis is generating, but the second I ejaculate in you, I will be thrust into guilt and have to clean my penile tract out with drano and an inverted umbrella.

Cheater stupid speak:

I’m not married in my heart… – Translation: Jesus, did he really say something that stupid? Dude, fuck your heart, you are a pathetic little bitch. (You didn’t fall for that did you?)

I am in an unhappy relationship - Translation: “Could someone pass me a fork? I want to take a big bite of this cake. Oh and could you keep the box? I want to sell it later.”

So what is your friend’s story? – Translation: This is why I have sex with you from the back, Its so that I can think of your friend in order to ejaculate. “So… have you ever had a threesome?”

Soon I will rip on the ladies, hope you are ready to call me an asshole because I am not going to pull any punches.

Okay let’s beat up on the ladies now!!! 25 wonderfully full of shit things women say!

Want to really figure out why he won’t commit?? Why he isn’t getting serious and what to do about it? Check out my best selling book on Amazon for only 2.99! Click here for 75 Secrets Why He Won’t Commit And What To Do About It

{ 2 trackbacks }

uberVU - social comments
April 22, 2010 at 9:54 am
25 wonderfully, full of sh*t things women say
April 27, 2010 at 12:52 pm

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Zoë April 22, 2010 at 7:35 am

Yay! My line got in there! :) (“I’d date you but I’ve seen your mom.”) I love this line because it can go two ways:

1) I’ve seen your mom and if THAT’S what you’ll look like in 20 years, I’d rather pass.
2) I’ve seen your mom and she’s so disturbingly hot I can’t think about anyone else – you included – when I’m near her.

So, there you go. Zoë’s (tiny) contribution to one helluva funny post.
.-= Zoë´s last blog ..Leaving on a jet plane: A familiar goodbye =-.

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2 Mike Masters April 22, 2010 at 7:42 am

Please… No guy is thinking the second one!

And Zoe (not pronounced like hoe) you can contribute anytime! that actually was one of my favorite lines.

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3 Tuppence April 22, 2010 at 8:42 am

Love, love, love this post! So damn funny, but also horribly and painfully familiar…
.-= Tuppence´s last blog ..Tuppenny Tales Too – Two for the Price of One! =-.

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4 Mike Masters April 22, 2010 at 9:00 am

Isn’t it painful??? So nuts the lies we tell ourselves

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5 Kali April 22, 2010 at 8:47 am

Loved this post Mike. I can’t wait for the girl version!

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6 Mike Masters April 22, 2010 at 9:00 am

The girl version I am going to CRUSH IT. None of you will want to speak to me ever again.

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7 Lifebeginsat30ty April 23, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Au contraire. I can’t wait! Bring it on!

Why can’t people just say what they mean? I’d rather hear the honest truth than a bunch if crap. Keep it up!

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8 Mike Masters April 23, 2010 at 6:41 pm

I think most people have no idea, what they really mean.
but at the same time I am happy to give them hell for their carelessness.

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9 Lifebeginsat30ty April 24, 2010 at 6:59 am

Ha, very true! Or maybe it’s just a superficiality? I think most people know, or would if they thought about it.

Give them a little hell for me too ;)
.-= Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..I will never understand men =-.

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10 lisa April 22, 2010 at 9:15 am

We’ll either never speak to you again or thank you for the major groundbreaking therapy session!
.-= lisa´s last blog ..Lioness =-.

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11 Mike Masters April 22, 2010 at 9:25 am

Looking forward to it but I will do my best to offend. It means I really hit the mark!

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12 Man-shopper April 22, 2010 at 12:50 pm

a-HA! Funny Mike is back! My favorite part was the bit about the penile foot in the door.

I’ll try to gather all my stupid-speak for your girl version. I’m warning you, I’m pretty damn stupid.
.-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Ms. Speed Dater (Part 2) =-.

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13 Mike Masters April 22, 2010 at 1:08 pm

I am thinking I might just stay funny mike, this jerking back and forth is giving me a headache.

Hey I would love to hear your girlisms! give me what you got!

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14 jablueskies April 22, 2010 at 5:34 pm

All I have to say about this post is “This is hilarious, Mike!”. Keep up the entertaining posts and you’ll keep me as a reader! lol

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15 Mike Masters April 22, 2010 at 7:11 pm

I love to entertain as much as possible!

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16 Kelly Seal April 23, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Yeah, I’m curious about the girl version. And thanks for the heads-up on the Japanese translation of “just the tip”…good to know!

Awesome list, thanks. My favs are the cheaters. I think another one:
“I would leave my wife but I can’t right now.” Translation: I’ll keep fucking you until you tell me to go away. Meow.
.-= Kelly Seal´s last blog ..Most women go on 24 dates before finding “the right one”? That would be nice. =-.

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17 Aplus September 25, 2010 at 1:43 am

Ha ha very funny, you have me in stitches, good blog.

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18 fitness girl January 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

OMG..Kelly,what if she wont go away because she want you to fuck her always? That would be a big problem lol,,,,

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19 Tracy July 24, 2011 at 4:06 am

A few more stupid ones…

“Hey why is your pussy so big?”- from a loser with a small wank
“Hey why are you so hairy?”- coming from a hairless Asian guy
“I think I am going to go home and become a monk.” to which I replied, “Okay dude, you have full freedom to do so.”

After knowing a man for one week he said to me, “Do you like marriage aprons?I want to buy you one.” He was Tibetan.

Another one “Did that feel good?” I reach over to his chest and flat palm his chest and rub in wide hard circles and say, “Did that feel good?” He replies, “No.” I say, “You got your answer, dude.”

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