Trust me, I have no use for your sperm

I was lucky enough to get a second guest post from the prolific Skye Blue make sure you visit her at Metanotherfrog.com

Skittish men

Him: What do you mean you want to date?

Me: You know, hang out a few times a month, and spend time talking, getting to know each other, and having fun.  And if through all of that we find out we’re compatible, maybe some time way down the line – we could make things exclusive

Him: Oh…Okay. I thought you meant date as in being in an exclusive relationship right now.

Me: Dude, we just met two weeks ago and we’ve only spent a few hours together. How could I possibly know I want a relationship with you yet?

Him: Well, you and I think alike, which is a good thing. But you’d be surprised how many times I’ve had women try to lock things down with me after just two dates.

Me: Come on, you sure you’re not just a little high on yourself?

Him: Trust me Skye. Most of the women I meet are looking for a man to wife ‘em and then drop some seed real quick. Because I so rarely meet women who aren’t moving on that program, I just assume that that’s what most women in their 30s want now – even when they tell me they don’t.

Me: Wow. So what you’re saying is that you don’t really believe I just want to date and see how things go?

Him: Let’s just say I won’t be surprised if you come to me singing a different tune in a few weeks.

I’ve had conversations like the one above far too many times. Generally when I meet an eligible man, who is both single and childless, I have to navigate the waters around him really carefully. Why? Well, in my experience, many together, single and childless men are crazy skittish about dating single (as in never been married) and childless 30-something women. And why is that you ask? As far as I can tell it’s because the vast majority (I’m talking like 90% here folks) of women who fall into this category are fixated on getting married and pushing out some young’uns STAT – as in like yesterday.

I’m sure that you’re all aware of the type. I’m talking about the women that:

• Are on the hunt for the ‘perfect’ man to insert into their vision of an ideal life.
• Have all the details of their wedding (down to the dress and ring) planned and the names of their future offspring picked out.
• Won’t go on a date with any man they don’t immediately see as marriage material, even when they have nothing to do but sit at home.
• Cajole their boyfriends into asking them to marry them.
• Complain about their live-in boyfriends/fiancées incessantly, but won’t leave because then thought of ‘starting from scratch with a new man’ – one they might be more compatible with – is just ‘too much work’.
• Claim that any man who breaks up with them or any relationship that ends was a ‘wasted investment of their time’ (no matter how toxic the relationship may have been) because their child-bearing years are slipping away.

Now, for the record I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman wanting to be married or to have children. Having such desires is perfectly conformist normal and they only become problematic when said woman chooses to impose them on an uninterested party – i.e. a man who simply isn’t ready or willing to settle down.

As you can imagine trying to force or coerce a man to get married is bound to cause grief for the woman in question. However, assuming she is unsuccessful in her attempts to acquire a rock, there’s a good chance her problem will become ours – i.e. all single, dating women. How so you ask? Well, let me tell you. The man who successfully rebuffs the efforts of one woman to cow, browbeat, push and/or manipulate him into marrying her, is virtually guaranteed to become yet another skittish, anti-relationship guy (SARG) on the dating scene (fml).

I’m sure, that much like me, some (if not most) of the single women out there have encountered one or more SARGs over the course of your dating lives. These men who have been scathed by the accelerated “Insert Man Here” style of dating most “I- wannabe-your-wife-and-the-mother-of-your-children-right-NOW” women are into, are often exceedingly difficult to date and/or form connections with. A SARG will take four steps back (at minimum) each and every time you make the slightest move to get close to him. And trust me, the skittishness you experience with SARGs will only get worse the closer you get to your fortieth birthday.

You see, single, childless women over 35 (even younger in some circles) are deemed to be ‘more desperate’ to seal the marriage and crotchfruit deal than the rest, simply because they’ve got even less time to get the whole reproduction thing done. Even when a mid-late 30-something woman explains to a SARG that her feelings about marriage and kids range from ambivalence to HELL MUTHA FUCKIN’ NO, he’s likely to give her a side eye of suspicion, as if he’s waiting for her ‘true colours’ (i.e. her empty throbbing womb to compel her to press him for a ring and progeny) to show. And God help her if she mentions the word ‘relationship’ too early in the game for a SARG’s liking. He’ll give her the old ‘sorry it’s not you, it’s me’ speech and head out the door so fast she’ll be left wondering if she dreamed their time together.

So what’s a lovely 30-something who isn’t trying to score a rock and some seed to do to when faced with a SARG?  Well, I’m no dating expert, but what’s worked for me is the following:

1. Being super honest (with the man in question and yourself) and clear about what you want and don’t want.
2. Listening real carefully to what he says to ensure that you are on the same or at least similar pages. This is a big one girls. LISTEN to him and take his words at face value – even if you don’t like what he’s saying. Doing this will save you a world of hurt and trouble – trust me.
3. Taking it slow and easy on the frequency of phone calls and dates initially to make sure your SARG feels like he’s got a lot of space.
4. Check yourself insecurities at the door when you hang with him. SARGs, and all men for that matter, like confident women. Period.

That’s my two cents good people.  Your thoughts?

Visit Skye Blue her at Metanotherfrog.com

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Tagged as: baby daddy, guest post, met another frog, skittish men