Relationships are poker, DONT show your hand!
This is a reader who purchased my TextAppeal book.
Hi Mike,
I have a question I would LOVE answered. Recently a guy I met tried to kiss me, I pushed him away, laughed at him and told him I had a boyfriend (not true). We spoke randomly over private FaceBook messages over the next 2 weeks. Then the following week, he did something that really got my attention and I found myself really liking him. Anyway, out of the blue, he asked me over. I went over to his place and we spent the night kissing. He tried to have sex with me and I said “no and that I’m not like that” he responded with “i wasn’t expecting it anyway”. I walked away that night feeling like i’ve met someone and that I had just had the most amazing night of my life.
So I didn’t hear from him……………..
Then I hooked up with him the following week when I seen him out, I stayed at his place and again I didn’t have sex with him BUT I thought things again were awesome. I didn’t hear from him again!!! When I say I didn’t hear from him, I mean I sent him a message on FaceBook but he took 3 days to respond and it was a very short response. 2 weeks later, on a Sat night I sent him a message telling him that I liked him and that I wanted to see him. He wrote back at 3:30am just asking what I was doing. It was short and sweet.
I didn’t hear from him after that until I seen him at a mutual friend’s party. He ignored me most of the night until we were all out at a night club. He kissed me and was very jealous when I spoke to other guys. Then I asked him if I was wasting my time with him and he said that I wasn’t.
He stayed at my place, this time we did have sex…………………. I wrote him a message later that night on FaceBook………………….That was Sunday night, it’s now Tuesday………. No reply!!
What do you make of this??
PLEASE HELP??? WAS I PLAYED???
Why did he disappear?
First of all, I hate to say it but you are clearly far more interested in him than he is in you. You said on more than one occasion that you liked him that you were interested in him, it seem like he reciprocated but only after you took the lead. This is something that I harp on over and over. You MUST match the guys interest and actually be one step behind him. In this case you are taking the lead, you are the one showing interest.
There really aren’t many factors driving human nature, we want to eat, poop, fuck… and number one? Have an interesting life. What??? most people would substitute “be happy” but that really is bullshit. Humans have a ton of motivations in life but when it all boils away you are left with that very very simple fact. We must stay stimulated or we go nuts. How does this apply to you?
You were too easy for him. You were not a challenge. He blew your mind but this was not reciprocated by him. You contacted him right after your encounter via FB or texting and it took him a while to respond. Do you know anyone that doesn’t check FB daily? If he was as interested in you are you are in him he would have contacted you right away.
Did I get used?
I have a knee jerk bit of anger towards this very typical female bit of language but you seem very nice so I am going to swallow it, but I still will give you a little bit of hell. However, first let’s cover what the guy is responsible for. Is he responsible for your feelings? For not reciprocating your interest to the same degree? Yes and no… Yes, a more mature guy will understand not to get involved with a girl that he knows he will hurt. No, because if you had more experience you wouldn’t get involved with a guy that wasn’t giving you the right signals. THEN you throw in a little ALCOHOL and HORNINESS, now even the last vestiges of good judgement on both sides are shot. Bummer
The upshot is that you are both responsible and this is a learning experience. One that is for you only, he can learn his own lessons on his own, it is not your responsibility to “educate” him.
Can you salvage the situation?
It is possible for you to take another swing at this pinata but I think the candy is gone. They only route you have is to become interesting to him again. You were interesting before because he had never had sex with you but once the sex is given up he no longer is interested. Why? because you showed too much interest initially and became boring to him. This is why he didn’t spend much time with you at the club initially. The only thing you can do is reset, this means:
- No FB messages
- No email
- No phone call
Wait for him to contact you and now allow him to chase you NOT vice versa. Unfortunately, it is very hard to recover once things go this direction, even for me.
What to do next time
Relationships are like a poker game. If you show your hand the game is no longer challenging and it is no longer exciting. You showed your hand when you kept contacting him and telling him you liked him. Why in the world would he want to play with you if he already knows the outcome?
I don’t care about what any idiot author in Cosmo says, EVERYONE is the same. If there is no challenge in the relationship there is no tension, without tension there is no attraction. At all costs you must maintain excitement in the relationship, you must be worthy of his attentions.
Hope this helps you.
Take care
Mike
P.S. Do you all get the take home message here? Let me restate it so the world can become a better place. Guys in general do not mean to be bastards, they only get bullied by their genitals to sleep with girls that they may not be interested in but 99% of them are just as baffled as you are after sex. You are waiting for the call and often he is shocked at the sense of repulsion he feels towards that call. Is it real? Maybe.
You see this is what happened, there was not enough healthy balance in the beginning but his testicles insisted that there was. Since the only glue binding his interest was sexual, milliseconds after his orgasm that tension is broken and his delusion becomes crystal clear. He no longer wants to be there and your post coital cuddle is akin to being handcuffed to a horny yeti.
The secret is sensing that balance immediately, and understanding that his reality is clouded by a stronger sexual need to conquer every member of the opposite sex than you do. The above girl could have succeed with this guy if she was more cautious with her feelings and allowed him to pursue. She could have bagged him if she created tension other than sexual. This is the key to keeping the elusive guy, be just as elusive, just as interesting, keep him just as off balance and thus create balance.
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Bless you Mike! I so needed this post. I have been trying to date again after the end of my 13 year marriage (I haven’t REALLY dated since high school) and I have been screwing up big time. My mind kept saying “You are way to mature to play these little games, just be honest and upfront about what you want and if he can’t handle it, screw him”. But then, of course, you meet that guy who turns your head and the next thing you know you’ve got feelings for him and since your so honest and upfront (!) about how you feel, the game is over before its really begun. Anyway, keep up the good work. I am learning and getting better all the time! Oh, and I am going to be buying your new book today!
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13 years and back in the game?
Our book was written for you. I know you will enjoy it.
Mike
I am a pro at all this stuff, but I needed the reminder. It’s harder when you like the guy and I often have to just sit on my fingers to keep from contacting, but it is so worth it! Long term satisfaction, not instant gratification!
Robin´s last blog ..Men Made Easy updated Tue Jul 6 2010 2-02 pm CDT
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You are a pro Robin!
Looking forward to the Facebook book!
Will we ever fucking learn? ( Pardon my French)
Some days I wish I was born a man, that way my feelings would be much easier, since they would be coming from that single cell that dangles between my legs!
But nooooo…I have to be woman, and analyze…rationalize and lie to myself to justify my temporary lack of good judgment. And these statements probably make me sound like such a bitch!
Ya just can’t win!
There……..I feel better now!
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Hahaha, yeah sometimes it is much easier being a man.
I kinda enjoy sitting back watching the emotional turmoil so many of you go through. It is better than watching the simpsons!
we’ve all been there! the days of waiting by the phone have passed and now we have to be tortured by FBook, Insant Messenger, Text, email and everywhere else hoping that some sort of communication will come from some where! all the channels make it all the more tempting to reach out, but try to resist the urge!
jewels´s last blog ..How About WeGet a Grip
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FB is the worst
Had to unfriend my ex because I was so sick of her and her new BF showing up in my feed. PUKE!
i was in a similar predicament and recently left FB:
i think you give some sound relationship advice from a guy’s perspective.
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I almost see it as a reliability issue. I know right away whether I’m gonna sleep with someone but I at times make sure he is the kinda guy who calls when he says, etc. Just to save myself the worry and self-doubt. However, there are times I do it anyway and just accept as part of the fun that he is definitely NOT gonna end up as the love of my life. In other words, just for the thrill of it! Enjoy it for what it is and keep on looking!
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Cara, you are a dude and I totally want to sleep with you.
Or wait… Have we already?
This guy played it well. The old “chase and disappear.” It’s a good move. You chase a woman and she starts off running. Then suddenly, you stop and run the other direction. The woman, confused, then starts running after you! Haha ahh how I love the game.
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I find it quite disturbing (feeling abit bitter) after being foolish to a very similar situation – i kept up the chase, ‘the tension’ for two years unintentionally as I myself had some committment issues, the guys was persistant throughout the two years, treats me like a princess for for the whole time, but as soon as he wins me over and i decide to reciprocate his attention and feelings he dumps me over a telephone call, runs with his life and tells me never to contact him again and that i am ‘dead to him’ LOL Jeeez almighty…what is right with the world hey?
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Its a phenomenon thats been in existence since middle school. A guy liking a girl usually got shunned if she wasnt interested and no one care but a girl liking a guy could start a war between her girlfriends and the guy, telling him to man up and ask her out. Guy is usually labelled a jerk if he gives in and ends up hurting her. As we grow, things doing really change much, in many cases its the girl herself doing the pressuring. If a man turns down the offer, he is considered gay and needs to grow balls, but if he gives in (again) and it doesnt work out he get labelled again, negatively. I think the lady above rushed into the emotional territory REALLY quick due to a few minor acts..a mistake a lot of women do, i personally dont see anything wrong in her telling him she has feelings but saying it more than once..gets irritating.
Mike, the way you replied was SUPERB (as always) and not going easy..thats what i’d do. she really has to hit the reset button…its the only deciding factor..gives him and her a chance. A chance for him to run and a chance for her figure out the truth and avoid more hurt (or she can keep up the spamming and see where it leads). Good article.
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I AM a dude, I think. Why wait til date 3 when you know you wanna do it? If it is a good vibe, he’s gonna call back no matter what. Make no excuses for bad behavior either. If he’s supposed to call, he better call or I may take my business elsewhere.
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Cara, I totally agree with you!
, I think the guy has already made up their mind on whether they will call or not before sex is involved. Might as well enjoy him if you are so inclined.
I have been enjoying what’s out there…I go out with no expectations. And if I feel like taking something further? Who the hell cares?? I don’t have to prove anything. Honestly, and Mike you will tell me if I am wrong I am sure
Aaaand I have been known to not return calls…flip the tables on them. Way more fun, way less stressful!
Esme´s last blog ..Wrong In Every Way
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Look, I HATE to say this, because it is hypocritical, but I can’t help responding to the last two posts. If a girl sleeps with me on the first date/meeting, she gets put in a certain category. It sucks, but it’s reality. I will hook up with her for 2 months and then bail. If a girl makes me wait until at least the third date, she’s possibly dating material. Why? I can’t really say, to be honest, but it’s just the way it is.
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Jersey-Maybe all I want is a fun two months as well
Esme´s last blog ..Back On That Dating Horse!
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“I have a knee jerk bit of anger towards this very typical female bit of language but you seem very nice so I am going to swallow it…” Hahahahaha! Men complain about being used for sex, too, although more rarely. You are making a good point though.
@lena_fm´s last blog ..Make love not porn
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a LOT of the dating gurus all advise waiting, waiting, and more waiting before sleeping with a guy….Christian Carter (Catch Him and Keep Him) says MONTHS…Steve Harvey (Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man) has a 90 day rule. I’ve seen it work both ways in real life….I know 2 female friends who dated guys for quite a while after an initial ‘one night stand’…but have also seen where it lead to nothing. Its difficult to judge but I think you need to use your own intuition and personal radar to judge if a guy is going to bail once the dog has caught the rabbit. Maybe at the end of the day its about the right guy rather than the right action.
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Haha! All this waiting business is irrelevant. In theory, yes, makes sense. But in practice, it’s not going to change a damn thing. And if the guy is purely a “hunter”, or a “puritan”, he will ^uck off as soon as the girl stops being pure (or unattainable). My ex-husband #3 was originally a one-night stand (yes I started getting married early, and did it often – voila – no complains at all
@lena_fm´s last blog ..Make love not porn
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Christian Carter recommends MONTHS!!!???
that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! It isn’t about the act it is about the reaction!
Harvey says 90 days??? His is an idiot too… If I were a woman I would fuck his brains out the first night, tell him to fuck off and then fuck his best friend.
They would be following me around like lost puppies and throwing down money like drunken Japanese business men.
Mastering male need and having them fall into vicious lust is not about a waiting game!
If you’re making a guy wait 90 days you’re still getting laid somewhere else right? Because otherwise the joke is really on you cuz you’ve gone 90 days without sex. Fail!
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I have been celibate (without sex from men) for over a year. And I feel I have lost nothing.
Simply put the last time was so boooring.
He looked ok, but I was just a living breathing blow up doll to him. He had zero interest to my fantasies, he didn’t even listen to what I said I wanted.. even if we had spoken about them, and had fooled around for a few times.
I played him to orgasm a few times, but he got me just bored, since he was so easy.
I had zero interest to repeat it.. even if he talked a few times that we should get together. Why, since I got nothing as he didn’t listen what I said that he should do.
After that, I have met men.. dated too, but if they can’t turn me on, why should I shag with them.
I wont’ get intimate unless I am really attracted to a man.. in more levels than one. Otherwise it is just plain boring, I have proven it more than once..
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Amen to that.
I almost feel like blogging about this right here and now. Such a Stupid Stupid concept. Totally misses the point of what is really going on.
Mike Masters´s last blog ..PLEASE HELP WAS I PLAYED
The entirety of this advice presupposes that the male you are chasing is rather immature, unfortunately the majority of the western populous is exactly that. The average person gets bored easily and cannot manage to productively entertain themselves or find satisfaction on there own in there own life. People like games, I love games, I do my best to turn life in general into a giant game. My personal exception being romantic and/or sexual encounters. I very much know what I like when I like it in this area. I know myself well and enjoy my alone time tremendously. I prefer motto waste it with people or on things I dislike. If I like you I am very direct, if I’m sexually attracted I am direct. In both cases I’m open but respectful. If the feeling is not mutual or the other can’t make up there mind then I walk away rather than waste my time or theirs. Wuihy-washy or indecisive is extremely unattractive to those with confidence and value of themselves. My feelings are not hurt if I feel stronger just as I do not feel bad if I do not return interest. This notion that sex or romance has to be a game is infuriating at times, -(“sex games” for fun are different story, I do not want confusion here). Unfortunately the average male cannot think decisively in the romance/sexual arena and must be entertained to perform. Much like many sports fans, their entertainment can be more important to them the the physical activity.
In short, play games if you want to continue wondering about your self worth. It will help attract boys, and keep them on the hook, but you won’t learn to value your own time or feelings. You will also cause mature men to flee the moment the games start. Don’t be afraid to be on your own from time to time while learning to raise your standards from the partners (be it long term or one nighters) that you seek.
The trickiest part is identifying just how much you yourself are in it for the game. Just because a person loses often doesn’t mean that they aren’t gaining something personally fulfilling from playing the game. I’m only 29 and my early twenties were occasionally difficult as I learned how to identify and set standards that were actually good for me. Now I have had fulfilling relationships as well as some amazing purely physical encounters. I have no ill will held by or against me, and speak with those I continue to share interests with as often as the interests come up. Some I haven’t seen in years and I’m sure they are just as alright with that as I am. I have a past love from a fulfilling relationship that I still love, but we both understand fully that while the love is there – we just don’t work. It is unfortunate but accepted and rather than lament over the fact that we didn’t work together, we value the experience and have learned from it. Recently I met someone that I am physically and otherwise generally very compatable with. We had some brief times together but as he was moving hundreds of miles away and neither of us wanted to do anything long distance – when i learned he was leaving in a couple of weeks i didnt break it ofandorra fear of future loss, rather I appreciated the directness and we just had fun and said goodbye without sadness or woe over “things that could have been”.
I only include a small portion of my romantic/sexual past to illustrate that it is not easy to find the right person at the right time and place in your life when there are no games and just open clear communication, why on Earth (if you do truly value and seek genuine relationships/bonds with others) would you turn it into a game and waste your time with others that are not capable of enjoying time with you (and probably others) without some form of false and demeaning excitement added to the mix.
A post-script apology for any grammatical/spelling errors, I am writing on an iPhone that posseses auto-correction and it’s own prose style -and turning the auto-correct off just isn’t exciting enough and without it and the added frustration, I probably would have stopped typing two words in.
Summation – if you like games keep them in the areas that you choose to value less. In the areas you value – grow and learn so that you can develop those areas further. Like anything if you are just trying to keep entertained or pass time – you will be like most people and never gain anything exceptional – and there is nothing wrong with that for many people.
(I also can not seem to review and edit down my response on the iPhone either – double appologies for redundant thoughts or ill-stated opinions.)
It is just not my personal choice, and I’m far from alone. We just tend to stay clear of players – we are kind of like the people that refuse to eat in a restaurant that allows small, loud and energetic children – it tends to detract from our meal.
The point of
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Love what you are saying!! I think all this gameplaying is a load of b****** it really negates from the quality of your life and does take away from your self worth. In my view it is important to seek genuine connections based on truth, openess and communication then you can really experience true love, growth and intimacey on a whole different level.
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I tend to receive a level of grief for using the word game when it comes to relationships but the major problem is that people simply don’t understand what I mean by the word game.
“Games” in relationships, is a trigger word for so many because they believe it to be a type of manipulation, where one person wins and one person loses. While often there are people that do this, it is certainly not what I am trying to communicate above.
The Game I refer to rather, is one you experience when you first meet anyone, not just the opposite sex. It is the process of getting to know one another. Which seems very strait forward but most certainly is not. What people most often miss is that the animal nature of human beings force us to play this power struggle. We think that our rational mind is side stepping it, but rarely can’t we completely (if ever) wrest control from the animal mind.
What I want people to understand is that the game is not something that is a negative thing. It is only perceived as negative because so many of us do not understand the rules, or the definition of the game. When someone comes along and says, “game playing takes away from yourself worth” it is so easy to jump on that bandwagon agree with some luke warm advice that makes us feel all nice and gooey inside. However, this is where the bullshit lies.
The reason my advice relies so heavily on the game analogy is because the girl getting “played” was at the beginning of her interaction with a new guy. This is when the “evil” game is at its peak but after a short the intensity mellows and we fall into what the above commenter might call “honesty.” But, the tension is still in the background and the balance must be maintained.
If we change our perception of the game slightly and our definition of the word to something positive, my advice and the whole experience of meeting someone is totally different. The interaction I have with someone new, is one of matching compatibility and if it isn’t there I politely move on. If that compatibility is there, the “game” of getting to know them and exploring that compatibility is one of the best feelings I know.
Please try to understand that we are not playing the game for the conscious mind but rather the animal one, where attraction lies. When one understands, either intuitively or consciously how to communicate to animal mind the game becomes quite easy and it leaves the conscious mind of two adults free to enjoy each others company.
Sigh… I wish I could go more deeply into this but I have a book to edit.
“We are not humans with animal nature, we are animals with human nature” – Me or a friend of mine, can’t remember.
You were so played, you were clearly more interested in him than he was in you, you were running after him. That is why he didn’t bother to try because he new that you would eventually give in to what he wanted.
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I agree with mike totally. It was evident from reading the very beginning of the entry that the guy did not seem seriously interested. If a males personal first reaction toward me is to try to kiss me rather than the more respectful hey, what’s your name approach and maybe a “you’re beautiful” tossed in there, I wouldn’t treat it very seriously.
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