Why don't I like him?
Hi Mike, I am so frustrated!!!
I have been seeing this one guy on and off for about a year. I’ve had this ridiculous crush on him and although he does things that irk me to no end, things that I wouldn’t put up with for anyone else! He cancel dates, show up late, and tells stupid white lies! Grrr… Recently, I met this really nice guy. We have been seeing each other about once a week. When I first saw him I was like,“eh, I’ll make the best of the night,”but we have a great time when we hang out. He is responsible, sweet, fun, witty. I like him, but I’m not passionate about him, like I am with douche #1. So, I’m digging into my psyche trying to figure out what is wrong with me? Why do I insist an pursuing #1, why do I struggle letting him go? And now that #2 is here and I can’t see a single thing wrong with him, why don’t I like him!? Why is there no passion?
This is a much harder question to answer than you might think. The answer lies hidden in the maturity level of both the conscious and unconscious mind. Stick with me, I will explain through pop-up pictures and scratch and sniff.
Age 15 My first girlfriend, her name was Annie, she was a very troubled Korean/American girl adopted by a Chinese family. Last I heard she was working as a stripper/escort, she was probably the origin of my yellow fever.
Conscious rational mind – 10% in control: Really had no idea what was going on, I knew I liked her, but didn’t understand that her being suicidal and a cutter was a huge part of my attraction.
Subconscious animal mind – 90% in control: Turned on as HELL, it was in the driver’s seat and was so nuts about this girl that when she broke up with me I actually snuck into her room in the middle of the night. I am still in shock that I wasn’t arrested or mauled by their German Shepard.
Age 17 Kimie was a Japanese/American girl. (seeing a pattern?) She was my first heavily sexual relationship. It blows my mind, to this day that I didn’t get her pregnant.
Conscious rational mind – 20% in control: Kinda getting more of a clue and overall the relationship was pretty good. Until some really gnarly went shit down.
Subconscious animal mind – 80% in control: This was my first experience with INSANE jealousy. Kimie was a knockout and my college friends went after her. I will never forget throwing a party at my place, and walking into MY room to see two of my “friends” fucking her on my bed. It pushed me over the edge, creating disgust and a venomous attraction to her.
Age 24 When I met Shannon all bets were off, I instantly killed all other relationships. She was a brilliant, hilarious, half Chinese/British girl.
Conscious rational mind – 40% in control: I was a bright guy that had slept with a lot of girls, and had enough whoring under my belt to feel ready for something wholesome. I consciously recognized that Shannon was amazing, satisfying so much of what I wanted. What I didn’t understand was that I couldn’t fix what was broken, and I never should have tried.
Subconscious animal mind – 60% in control: Shannon stimulated this part of my brain mostly in the positive, but unfortunately she stimulated my need for acceptance. It took a long time for my conscious mind to pick up on this dynamic since my SC was feeding off it like a pig on slop. Shannon was possibly bipolar and instilled delicious insecurities I was dying to solve. (Read more about her here, in my most popular post to date Positive sexual tension)
Age 28, I met Nao in japan one month after being there. She was my first real attempt at controlling the uncontrollable, not only in her but in my myself.
Conscious rational mind – 50% in control: She was a land mark relationship because I consciously knew she was horrible for me but I decided to satisfy my hedonistic desires and do my best to “control” the situation. I nearly pulled it off, but like anyone that plays with these dangers knows – they will eventually get you.
Subconscious animal mind – 50% in control: I was in shear ecstasy with this girl. She PUNCHED every dirty little button that drove my animal mind into leg kicking conniptions. She became the drug the halted my control, but at the same time she introduced me to the limits of my control. Never again will I expose my limbic mind to this kind of girl/drug. (I wrote more about her here in the very horny post Negative sexual tension)
Age 32 Ai, I also met in Japan, she was a pivotal relationship because for the first time my rational mind held 51% of the stock.
Conscious rational mind – 60% in control: In the past I wouldn’t have given this type of girl a second chance. She was too young, too cute, too sweet, too innocent and too inexperienced. It was tough, and I spent the first three months slapping down the impulses of my animal mind to rend this poor sweet thing into edible chunks.
Subconscious animal mind – 40% in control: The lack of animal involvement here was a shockingly huge problem. I had to manufacture my attraction and the desire to cheat was often overwhelming. I mistakenly thought that her goodness was worth looking past all of the things missing. I incorrectly thought that my animal mind was the source of all my trouble and as a solution, I would bypass it. I was horribly wrong in thinking I could wrest control from my carnal side but in the action I realized how much it was a crucial part of me.
The maturation of the animal mind
As I grew older, wiser and more experienced my conscious understanding of relationships increased radically and this wisdom started to trickle down to my subconscious.
Not only did my subconscious start to wise-up it actually rolled over and played dead in my last serious relationship, killing all passion for me at the same time.
So can I answer the question above? Give her a quick fix? No… I can’t, training one’s self is a huge task and the maturation of the egoic mind is a slow arduous process. Especially, if it has a lot of negative crappy programming from childhood.
What I CAN say is: if you are aware, if you are attentive and you bend your love and acceptance to the needs of the child-like animal mind. It will start to listen and eventually, ever so slowly it will synchronize and become one with the conscious. When this happens you will finally be aware of of the needs of both the conscious and the unconscious, the essential crazy glue amazing partnerships are made of.
It has come to my attention that this post is still a little confusing to people, here is a comment that I answered that might help:
LC – Mike, do you think this girl doesn’t feel she deserves something good? Why would she continue to punish herself with the douche? Or because there isn’t that magnetic attraction from the start? Is that a red flag something is wrong?
Mike – The problem isn’t that she is punishing herself, the problem is that her subconscious mind hasn’t matured enough (isn’t experienced enough) to see through it’s attraction to the douche. The conscious mind sees and understand the warning signs but the SC is doing what it wants anyway. So the point is, that she is not ready for a decent guy because her SC mind is stuck in a junk food stage. What she needs to do is use other people to keep her actions under accountability with the guy she doesn’t want to see. With the “good guy” she needs to give him a chance to turn on her SC as well.( I think she is discrediting him too soon) The strange side effect of this is that the junk food will want to be eaten all the more and guy number 1 will start to make a bit of a bid for her attention. As attractive as this sounds she must avoid that. Enjoy his renewed interest but tell him to, “suck it”
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree that once you are little older you understand past relationships, flings, hook-ups whatever. For me it comes down to a personality/chemistry thing – good, bad or indifferent. Then I look at the situation – could it potentially be a healthy relationship or am I in it for fun. Does this person have the integrity, honesty, values (whatever your preferences are) that I am looking for? Yes or No. Period. And you have to be honest with yourself. Anyone can fool themselves into thinking “this person’s it” for a variety of reasons. But we really know they aren’t healthy for us. Mr. Right, Wrong, Bad, Good, etc. doesn’t matter what you label them, you know if someone “works” with you or doesn’t – on every plane. Some things just fall into place naturally. Yes have a fling with the bad boy/bad girl but you know why you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. It’s exciting but not healthy.
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I think it takes quite a bit of time to really know what stimulates both sides of the mind, wouldn’t you agree?
Mike totally agree with you. It does take time to relationships and realize what stimulates/works for me. I think that your core personality drives it but you have the added value of age and wisdom. And I’m old I know this lol.
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As old a me? (you don’t have to admit that)
It seems like that neither guy this girl is seeing are right for her. The first guy isn’t that into her and will walk all over her (which is obviously what intrigues her so much). And the second guy, no matter how “nice,” will bore her to tears. I think the hard thing for most people to realize is that you can have both: someone who is responsible and good, but also challenging and exciting. The problem is that finding someone like that is so rare that most people stopped looking for it long ago, or never started in the first place. It’s about respecting your own standards and not accepting less, because every second you spend with the wrong person is a second you could have been looking for the right person.
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amen JB, I totally agree. She is not ready for either person. The only thing I would argue is that it takes a while to understand what your standards are and even longer to know how much of the animal mind to dominate.
know what I mean?
I agree about getting wiser as we grow older. First off, you don’t go for the same type of guys when you’re 36 as opposed to 26. if you do, all of your past relationships didn’t really teach much.
But I do think that when you’re with a person who is right for you, you know it and it will be easy, not confusing. He won’t be the one who drives you crazy with anger/ passion/ jealousy etc., nor will he be the friend who is sweet, kind and yawn…not your type. But he will be the guy that allows you to be truly yourself better than anyone.
The key to finding the right guy is through these relationships you are having…get to know yourself first. You can’t attract the right person until you know what you want, and sometimes the way to know what you want is the process of elimination.
Kelly Seal´s last blog ..Do you wear your heart on your sleeve?
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I totally agree but the reason I wanted to write this post was, the hit and miss nature of dating kinda sucks.
I think by understanding your animal nature and your rational needs is the key to getting to the perfect person much much faster.
Just like language you can absorb it and become fluent without deconstructing. However, the constant contradictory nature of the mind blocks this to a certain degree. That is why breaking it apart can really open ones mind to why they are limiting themselves.
Know what I mean?
Try answering the question next time Mike… you always give a story, usually they’re more coherent than this one (which makes no sense), but you never explain yourself. Maybe if you can learn to explain yourself you can finally go somewhere…….
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I assume it was Kate West that thumbed everyone down.
You don’t understand so you have the need to attack? How very limbic brained of you.
it makes even less sense to continue visiting a blog that makes no sense to you
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Hahahaha
Actually, thanks for assuming, but I didn’t thumb anyone down. I really enjoy your articles, it’s just sometimes frustrating for me to have you explain only 80% of an important idea instead of finishing your thoughts.
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Your comment was not kind in the slightest. Why would you expect me to assume something kind about you?
This concept is hard, and if you look at the post again, I added some more information. I do my best to explain things but a lot of this understanding I have never put into words.
I would appreciate a question next time.
The day someone figures out how to master this is the day the entire dating blogosphere will come to a halt.
We follow our sexual organs into relationships, and follow our rational minds out. With the right mix of self-awareness, luck and patience, you get someone that makes both mostly happy.
Miss Alpha´s last blog ..Third Date Dishes – Spicy Tuna Sashimi
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I think it is the mastering that is so much fun. Sure my animal mind is a lot more on board than it used to be but by no means is it all the way.
Although it would be very cool to meet someone at the same stage.
Well, if Mike isn’t too angry at me, I would like to respond
Why date who is around? If you just date the best of who is available, well, then that is what you will get. If you are looking for a specific kind of guy, focus on that and you will attract that person. Otherwise, life will be a series of random encounters and who wants that?
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Why would I be angry with you?
What you are saying is very true but strangely I personally have no desire to attract the ONE. Not yet at least, so I will just date the people around me.
Well, you sounded angry in your last respoonse to me. I posted under a different name. We were talking about soulmates and you ended with the point that men and women are different in regards to sexual attitudes. Something like that.
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Don’t remember that, so keep changing your name and you should be safe.
Although I really don’t understand how your comment is related to the post.
Well, her question was about her inability to go for #2 because he doesn’t excite her. Well, why should she settle for 1 or 2? Why can’t she have both? She can. That is why I talked about the law of attraction. She can focus on the things she likes about both men to get the ideal man.
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This is part of the problem with the LOA. She doesn’t know what she wants since there are two brains giving contradictory commands. This is why a lot of LOA practitioners talk about removing blocks and limiting beliefs.
And in all actuality she was already using LOA to draw these guys and that is why she received the contradiction.
I wouldn’t say the problem is with the law of attraction, but her. Well, not really a problem, but if you don’t know what you want, how can the law help you?
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Well, you don’t have to attract THE ONE to use the law of attraction. You can attract a casual love interest, etc. It’s up to YOU.
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Law of attraction works to a certain degree, the only problem with it is when it doesn’t.
That is when we feel frustration and confusion over why we don’t have the control button on our lives.
I teach a little LOA but it really is rather limiting.
What are you talking about? ^_^ The law of attraction works for everything. EVERYTHING! -_- Well, you can’t control another person’s intentions, but if they are receptive, you can manifest what you want. You must not have read “Ask and It is Given” by Jerry and Esther Hicks. Or have you? ~_~ With the law of attraction, almost anything is possible.
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I base my belief in the law of attraction on experience and intuition, not because other people say so. Don’t limit yourself.
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Sorry to threaten your LOA religion but it isn’t that simple. Can you really honestly say that you have received everything you have asked for? LOA is a stepping stone and a very valuable one but I disagree with putting all your eggs in this basket.
Well, I don’t see it as a religion. I am very passionate about it, however. I can’t say I’ve received everything, but to be honest, I am still learning the ropes. I have manifested some amazing things, however. Whatever you believe is fine. I was being a bit facetious, but tone can be hard to convey through the written word, hence the smileys. Anyways, yeah, you shouldn’t limit yourself. Don’t take my word for it. Experiment. That is all.
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Look, LOA has a lot of truths I don’t refute that.
So maybe the LOA attraction brought me in to your life to tell you there is more going on?
Or maybe it was to react to the “tone” that you seem to always put your comments in?
(I have read every LOA book in existence, I am not new to the subject but I am glad you have passion for it)
I will disagree with your points as they relate to the law of attraction and why I was attracted here. In regards to the “tone”, perhaps you were offended. But on the internet, I always try to be more understanding of the other person because I know that words can’t always convey everything. Sometimes, a spirited and passionate post can come off as forceful and aggressive at first glance. One needs to allow for the ambiguity of certain situations. Not everything can be read one way.
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I wasn’t offended.
Mike, do you think this girl doesn’t feel she deserves something good? Why would she continue to punish herself with the douche? Or because there isn’t that magnetic attraction from he start that is a red flag something is wrong?
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The problem isn’t that she is punishing herself the problem is that her subconscious mind hasn’t matured enough to (isn’t experienced enough) to see through it’s attraction to the douche.
the conscious mind sees and understand the warning signs but the SC is doing what it wants anyway.
So the point is that it is very possible that she is not ready for a decent guy because her SC mind is stuck in a junk food stage.
What she needs to do is use other people to keep her actions under accountability with the guy she doesn’t want to see.
With the “good guy” she needs to give him a chance to turn on her SC as well. I think she is discrediting him too soon.
The strange side effect of this will be that the junk food will want to be eaten all the more and guy number 1 will start to make a bit of a bid for her attention. As attractive as this sounds she must avoided that. Enjoy his renewed interest but tell him to, “suck it”
It wasn’t until this comment that i understood what you were saying at all. Most of them time i get the point you are trying to make with your stories, but this one didn’t make any sense.
That being said i totally agree. I was attracted to worthless guys for years all of them had drug habits and didn’t finish college (some didn’t finish HS), some even had children (and i’m only just 25). None of them were going to fit my clean cut, ambitious lifestyle, but i wanted them anyways. Now i’m still attracted to those guys but I know they are bad for me and i either don’t date them, or i just sleep with them to get them out of my system. Recently i fell for a really smart, well-educated, ambitious guy who i’ve got amazing chemistry with.
Elissa´s last blog ..Skankzilla
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Yeah, sorry about that.
I really debated whether or not I was going to write about this.
It is such a tough subject, especially if you haven’t heard of it before. Also it is my theory, based on years and years helping people lose weight. This is why I often make food references.
Jack, in is up and coming post makes a similar reference to the separation of the mind. We talk sometimes.
Maybe I will cut and paste that comment into the post?
The separation of the mind is so strange and doubly strange since the Conscious mind loves to hide the existence of the SC influence. This is why we make so many excuses for our negative behavior. The Conscious is threatened by the SC and the SC really would rather work in the shadows. That is why you don’t hear of these things spoken of very often. No one wants to admit or embrace that they are not in the drivers seat of their own choices.
This is a great post Mike. Funny that you always post stuff I need to hear when I am trying to figure myself out.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Relationships: Trying to Avoid Self Sabotage
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Interesting! Your post title looks like it is directly related to what I am talking about.
Such a strange confusing thing when we sabotage. That is why when you can satisfy the SC, get it on board, you no longer have to worry about it.
I have to admit it gets me sometimes, the only difference is I no longer get angry at it and I stopped beating the puppy years ago.
Now I feel like it is more on my side and it’s giving me more of a heads up to it’s intentions. Now, I can second guess it and avoid the triggers that get me into trouble.
Like drinking too much with a friends sister, oops…
I totally agree about the subconscious mind!
Correct me if this example does not fit what you’re talking about, but, with one guy I found my self crazily attracted to because I couldn’t tell if he liked me or not. So I assumed he was not interested, and that drew me to him more. Once he started to show actual interest, I mean, with some pretty out there texts, then I kind of..sunk back thinking “is THAT what I wanted?”. I kept telling myself to give it a chance, in the back of my head. So I ended up dreaming about him, and the next day I was back on the crush train. Dreams I assume are part of the unconscious, and I have had quite a few that change my perception and thoughts; or bring back memories and ignite a better mood the next day. Is anyone with me on this? Know what I’m talking about? This is why I love sleep. haha
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I think your story is a good example of the struggle between the two minds.
I am not really sure about dreams, they seem to be virtual playing field that the mind uses to practice real life. Children, when they talk in their sleep use much more complicated sentence structure (years ahead of their true development) but I am not really sure how much this applies to adults.
There is so much going on here that I could start a new blog on just this subject.
For example, self-talk. It goes right into the SC and is very much an author of it’s programing. For example if you say, “What is wrong with me? why do I keep going for addicts?” That self talk says: I love addicts because I am broken.
This in turn give the SC mind free reign to follow up on this dysfunction and it will seek out your drug like a missile.
This is why it is so important to embrace the SC mind, give it a hug, tell it that you understand it’s desires and agree to work with it. Since after all, it is a 500 pound gorilla that will get its way whether you like it or not.
The reason I bring up dreams, here, wikipedia says (Hey, no one give me shit for using wikipedia as a reference)
“The unconscious mind can be seen as the source of night dreams and automatic thoughts (those that appear without apparent cause). It can be seen as the repository of memories that have been forgotten but that may nevertheless be accessible to consciousness at some later time. It can be seen as the locus of implicit knowledge, i.e. all the things that we have learned so well that we do them without thinking. One familiar example of the operation of the unconscious is the phenomenon where one fails to immediately solve a given problem and then suddenly has a flash of insight that provides a solution maybe days later at some odd moment during the day.”
SO yeah, that is what I was referring to. That having a certain dream can make you realize something or kind of change how you consciously think or feel about something — someone?
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This is where science and I differentiate on terminology (Wikipedia is an excellent reference and only snobby professors refuse to recognize it)
When I say unconscious, I mean, the limbic brain, the reptilian old brain. The original animal brain.
the Conscious brain is the relatively new, it is the prefontal lobes that gives us our awareness and ability to reason/choose.
The problem is that both brains are running at the same time yet they have very different agendas
The wikipedia is referring more to the unconscious computer that is running in the background at all times. It microprocessor that is feeding stimulous to both the new and old brain. It doesnt have its own awareness or agenda, it simply takes orders from the two captins in your head.
So this is really an argument of semantics and I use UC mind just to simplify things.
So does that dream make your realize something? Yes, but like I said before it is like the practice field for real life. You played something out in your dreams that changed your perceptions towards someone. but it wasn’t fueled by the animal brain I speak of, it is simply processing information that you would have probably reached anyway.
Oh ok!! I get what you’re saying now.
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really? I don’t even know if I do…
Mike you could not have said it better, i believe it is a course we (or most of us) have to go through in order to mature us to a point of understanding where we can look back and understand why we did some of the crap we did!
The sad thing about it Mike is that some of us NEVER learn after even terrible experiences. Who says age always brings wisdom??
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This article resonates so much for me.
I’m having the most difficult time settling down with a “good guy”, even though I know it is better for me. What’s even more sick is that I found my “dream guy” who, really when it comes down to has everything I want, but its an internal fight (my SC) to be happy long-term with him. I feel sick at the thought that it might take me another 5-10 years to reconcile my SC with my conscious.
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