Hookers, Sluts, Morality, and I hate myelf

by Mike Masters on January 25, 2011

God damn! I love Viet Nam!

Angel on my Shoulder and a Devil in my Head

I am sitting with my friend Matt on low 70’s lounge chairs that belong on the beach rather than outside a grubby local bar. We are both sipping Saigon Greens as we watch the foot traffic of back packers, locals and expats go by. Most of the back packers are white European couples, a few Chinese, and a smattering a guys that recently escaped their frat. Some of the frat guys, and the expats are with a disproportionately pretty Vietnamese girl, I mentally grind my teeth.

I look to my right, and I elbow Matt, “Look at this fucking garbage,” I blatantly point across the street, not minding if my target of disdain hears or sees me. Matt laughs and in barely comprehensible, extremely fast Queen’s English says something like, “I hope your wife is fucking the pool boy, you fucking fat wanker…!” (Matt’s funny) We both throw squinty-eyed glares at the 300+ pound rotund man waddling past. He has his prize in hand, a petite gorgeous girl that in the States could pass for 15.

I used to live in a small apartment building in Japan, and the guy next door drove me a little nuts, he liked to slam his door, shaking the entire concrete building. I got used to this, but curiously not the daily horse like “clip clop” of high heels on the hallway tile. I thought, I know those shoes, they belong to his Monday girl, and she will soon make the walk of shame past the disapproving Japanese staff at 7 in the morning. This happened about 4 days out of the week, a new girl, and a new set of shoes in front of his door. Granted, unlike the man above he isn’t hiring hookers, a pretty common occurrence in Saigon but not Japan. Rather, he went online, and offered language exchange to these girls. Of course, they are all quite young and naive, and he claimed to have, on the first “date,” a 90% sex rate. That’s great buddy, so impressed, but am I really being honest with myself?

Matt and I went on a pho noodle run last night and stumbled upon a massive dead rat and the above topics. “There used to be this guy I knew in my building named Leon, just a sleazy, ugly English fuck, had a new girl over every night.” Matt nodded understanding, “I’ll never understand how a sleazy bugger like that gets a lot of play, where do they find all of them?” I said, “Online… he raved about it, says it is ridiculously easy.” The conversation digressed more and became downright shitty towards Leon and the obese German man. Fortunately, I have been in this mental shit hole of “better than thou” enough times to know it goes nowhere. I stopped and sighed a bit, “It sucks that we keep harping on this because essentially we are just jealous.” “True that,” said Matt and we dropped it.

There are a lot of people I hate, and have good reason to. Rapists for example should be put to death, as well as anyone trafficking in children, and countless other offenses. Why? because these people that rip away the freewill of an innocent are truly evil.

But what about the 20-year-old hooker or the 20 year old “language exchange” girls? Are they victims? No… Not at all. Don’t ask me how, but I actually am on friendly speaking terms with a couple of prostitutes that work a local bar. Are they fucked up? Nope, most are ridiculously normal. Are they forced into this? Honestly no… not at all, some don’t mind the job, some are looking for boyfriends, most just need money for their families (but honestly they could have worked at KFC instead). The girls that Leon brought over? Is he fucking them up? Sure, I heard them crying sometimes in the morning or the occasional fight at night but if they were honest with themselves, all they wanted was a western boyfriend or a little excitement.

Why am I so angry at these guys? Because I see shadows of myself here and it is terrifying. I don’t want to be the guy that takes advantage of, and crushes the ridiculous expectations of an 18-year-old girl. I don’t want to be the guy that carries the dirty guilt of fucking a woman younger than his daughter while his wife is at home watching American Idol. I see a guy in my past I no longer wish to be, and a man in my future that I would hate to become.

It pains me to look in the mirror and see potential reflections of morality I loathe.

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jillian January 25, 2011 at 10:20 pm

In.ter.esting. Someone is experiencing growth and not the kind he’s used to experiencing. Great post and a good way of letting us know you live.
Jillian´s last blog post ..Book Review- Under the Mercy Trees by Heather Newton

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2 Mike Masters January 25, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Please… I have known this since age 16.
What surprises me is that I have to keep catching that little hate demon, slap him on the head, and send him in the right direction.

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3 Mike Masters January 25, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Oh, and it is great to hear from you Jillian, I’ve missed you.

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4 Jillian January 25, 2011 at 11:00 pm

And I, you, dear friend. I am eagerly awaiting your return to us in the West so we can have some of our late night conversations.
Jillian´s last blog post ..Book Review- Under the Mercy Trees by Heather Newton

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5 Mike Masters January 25, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Skype is perfectly acceptable

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6 Jillian January 25, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I’m on a new schedule. I should have been asleep two hours ago. We can coordinate schedules, though.
Jillian´s last blog post ..Book Review- Under the Mercy Trees by Heather Newton

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7 Jillian January 25, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Don’t you “Please” me, Mike. If you’d experienced it like this you are NOT the kind of person that would continue the pattern. Aren’t you the one that is on top of breaking patterns? If you keep doing it, break that crap already.
Jillian´s last blog post ..Book Review- Under the Mercy Trees by Heather Newton

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8 Mike Masters January 25, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Come on therapist, no one ever truly gets rid of the skeletons in their closet, and there are always new bodies we are trying to shove in there. AND you know that no story is fun with the drama! I didn’t experience it like this at all, rather a shadow of it.

Embellishment is my right as a story teller and a blogger, but thank you for your concern for my well being.

I will be writing a lot about morality/sex, since I am working on a rough draft of a book about this. Just exploring ideas and getting back into the groove of writing.

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9 Jillian January 25, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Hah! That’s not exactly true and you know it. It’s possible to move beyond those skeletons or at least shake the soup out of them and make them smaller. If I didn’t believe that I couldn’t do what I do, happily. Morality and sex…hrmmmmm…can’t wait!

Getting back into the groove is good. You tend to get on those grooves when you get out and do stuff. Good to see you there. And as it didn’t snow, as predicted, I’m off to bed so I can be bright-eyed to teach my morning class.
Jillian´s last blog post ..Book Review- Under the Mercy Trees by Heather Newton

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10 Mike Masters January 25, 2011 at 11:23 pm

There are so many shades and facets to this argument that I refuse to go here. I know you understand that I unfairly beat up on myself in order to get points across. My true skeletons are far more obtuse and generally creepy.

Night Jillian, and once again SKYPE…

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11 MissMelisaMae January 25, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Is my dear Mikey growing up? Say it isn’t so!
MissMelisaMae´s last blog post ..Thank You For Caring- Fuck You For Sharing

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12 Mike Masters January 25, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Oh, Jesus… not you too!? Like I told Jillian, my true issues are far more disturbing.
Plus the only reason you say this is because you don’t want your friends to positively affect you.

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13 jackie January 26, 2011 at 5:05 am

Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

Fuck growing up; the real insight is growing IN. It takes courage to see ourselves reflected in others and question our motives. I’m looking forward to seeing where this is leading.

Welcome back bro.
JFB
jackie´s last blog post ..The Golden Ratio of Attraction

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14 Mike Masters January 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

Good to hear from you Jack.
You are right, this was more an experimental post. Just getting back in to the swing of things. Figured I would start with a little self deprecation.
Finding my voice again. It has been a while

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15 Mike Masters January 26, 2011 at 7:10 pm

No idea what I was talking about here, I was on pain killers and vodka. (It wasn’t recreational)

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16 Man-shopper January 29, 2011 at 5:04 am

Welcome back, Mike! Painkillers and vodka? You’re remarkably lucid and insightful! If I were to put painkillers and vodka in me, the best that I could hope for whatever drivel I end up typing with my face.

Seriously though, you are hard on yourself, as we are all wont to be. However, I have faith that you won’t become that guy. The anger that you feel seems to me to be a decent enough deterrent!
Man-shopper´s last blog post ..Ms Alpine Goddess

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17 Mike Masters January 29, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Ohhhh… I always get the tingle of goose bumps when you comment on my site.

I would love to see you type with your face, when are you going to come back and visit your mother land? I am waiting for you! (vodka only tonight, no pain killers)

Yes it is true, I am a remarkably lucid/functional drunk, no one ever really knows. It is probably because I am the same person when I drink. Can’t say the same for most people.

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18 Man-shopper February 1, 2011 at 1:44 pm

It may be a while yet before I arrange a trip to the mother land. It’s a little out of the way, and there is currently some family drama in that department…

And yes, after a number of beverages, I do sometimes think that I can type with my face. It never ends well. My sister tells me that I’m “less of a weirdo” when I’m drunk. I’m not sure what she means by that, but I’m just going to take it as a compliment and assume she means that I am a delightful drunk.

I am glad to see that the need for pain killers has passed!
Man-shopper´s last blog post ..Ms Alpine Goddess

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19 Divorce Guru January 31, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Fantastic post! Wow, really makes you stop for a beat and think. Well done.

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20 Something She Dated February 15, 2011 at 1:14 am

Oh Mike. You know how I love you. Though I have to admit. This isn’t my favorite post. Why? It mostly just grosses me out. Hookers? Ick. Cheating on wives? Bleh. Fucking chicks young enough to be one’s own daughter? Dis-fucking-gusting! I guess it’s awesome that you recognize what you don’t want to be and all. I often think to myself…don’t be slutty. But then again, who would I really be hurting except for myself? And that’s an “if at all” situation. Any of the above possibilities for old married dudes with foreign chicks??? Yeah those are hurting somebody. Hurting the wife being cheated on. Hurting the young chick who doesn’t yet know better. Hurting the dude for being sick and gross and paying for sex. Hurting all around my friend.

On the upside…I’m sure you won’t become one of those dudes.
Something She Dated´s last blog post ..Come Back Charlies Part IV

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21 Mike Masters February 15, 2011 at 1:33 am

Honestly I am not afraid of being one of those guys but you would be surprised how powerful the temptation is. Introduce a even a young man to a beautiful girl and then arm him with the knowledge that he can take her home, have sex with her, and get rid of her in the morning. Now have this cost $25 bucks, tell you what I have seen quite a few really nice guys have a few beers and do this.
My argument here is not a personal one, it is one of morality and personally I find it to be much worse to prey on the girls with such high expectations. In fact, I think is is quite mean.
So yeah, grossness all around but there are many shades of gray in morality and being surrounded by it is fascinating.
Mike Masters´s last blog post ..My morality is inversely proportional to her hotness – A cheater’s story

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22 lifebeginsat30ty April 5, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I think it’s brave (even in blogger-world) to admit something like this. We all have urges to do amoral and shitty things. That doesn’t make you a bad person. If you were really amoral, you wouldn’t see anything wrong with it. Definitely did make me think. Didn’t know you were writing again. Welcome back!

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