I am not really sure if I should tell this story since it is very disturbing to me. However it is the greatest illustration of how I have been affected by the intensity of another. Please understand that I am extremely uncomfortable telling it…
Not surprisingly it is Halloween
I am out on the town in Japan on a Friday night. There are smatterings of people lightly dressed up in something cute but hardly resembling a costume you might see in the states. I am somewhat relieved this is the case since I am tired of scouring thrift stores and over priced Halloween shops to find only weak parts to the costume I want to build. I guess I should stick to being a pirate instead of trying to create a Godzilla suit out of cardboard and paper mache. The upshot was that I went out in pretty normal clothing, looking good but pretty normal. I was only in my 2nd year overseas and I was still quite high on myself. Reveling in the rock star popularity a good-looking foreigner experiences overseas. I radiated this attitude as I walked into a club banging techno music so loud it was impossible to talk. I was supposed to meet someone there that I had only met once before. She was cute, friendly but honestly only my libido continued my interest. After a few drinks and some dancing amidst goofy painted faces and someone dressed as giant testicles we decided to go. We club hopped a bit more and continued to have a few drinks. Eventually we ended up at my place.
Scared the living hell out of me
Thinking back now it is a bit ironic that it was Halloween, since things got so incredibly creepy. I opened the door to my apartment and she went strait to my room and flopped on my bed as if she lived there. She didn’t say anything, just lay there facing the wall. I eventually laid next to her, not really knowing what to do. I lay there for on my back for a minute thinking she was asleep when she suddenly rolled over, grabbed me and kissed me. “Hey, what are you…” I said inhaling the words back in with her kissing. After a short time I reached back for her and explosively she pulled away as if I had a knife in each hand. She tucked in the corner, panting in a panic looking at me as if I was about to cut her. I went wide-eyed as well and opened both palms in alarm, “are you okay??” She didn’t say a word and I was getting freaked out. I lay down again, extremely confused, I raced through possible reasons why she did this. Then, To my shock she was kissing me again!! I reached for her and she pulled away panting again in terror as if I had punched her . I was slack jawed and feeling something very strange.
Something terrifying shifted in my head
To my surprise I started to get angry and aggressive. She lay there radiating fear and I felt drawn in to the role of the creator of that fear. I wanted to leave to the same intensity I wanted to stay, like a tight rope I was drawn into immobility. When the scene played out for the third time I found my heart beating madly as I broke one of the buttons on her shirt as she pulled away. My eyes were wide and my breath fast and shallow, I was terrified!! But I couldn’t move… As I stared at her in confused shock, my head froze in comprehension as she mouthed the words, “raappee mmeee” I shook with fear-induced hypothermia still holding her shirt in my fist. Images raced through my mind that I have rejected my whole life. My animal mind fought with my moral mind for control of the situation. To my extreme shame I wanted to… and I have never been more afraid of myself. I let go of her shirt, tore my eyes away and said, “You have to go…” I left the room and locked myself in the guest room. 10 minutes later I heard her leave and thankfully I never saw her again.
I would never ever ever do this
Telling this story now makes my heart race and I can feel the fear I felt then. I can also feel the emotions that she was radiating towards me. She wanted me to slap her and rip her clothing off. The thing that shocked me more than anything is that I was drawn in. Please understand that I could never ever physically harm someone! If I find a spider I pick it up and let it go outside with a little cash to boot! I would never ever ever ever hurt someone like this… I have never entertained violent thoughts or sexual fantasies like this. In this regard I am as extreme in this as Gandhi is to Hitler! What the hell happened???
The bubble of reality
I believe that everyone carries around with them a bubble of reality. This bubble extends beyond all of us to intersect and interact with other people’s bubbles. Sometimes bubbles are in sync and they spin together creating a larger bubble to effect others. In some cases bubbles clash and you are repelled by a person though you may not know why. These bubbles seem to affect others even without words expressed, they seem to be able to radiate out from the smallest cues or none at all. We are affected by these bubbles and unless we have a very strong reality ourselves we are drawn into the spin of someone else. In the case psycho-rape-me girl, I was pulled into the role I normally would never play. This extreme case blew my mind since I seemed to have so little control over my emotions. I felt as if I were the puppet and she the puppeteer. Her reality was the string that was tugging on violence I never knew existed.
Know your reality and defend it
This is perhaps the most powerful key to power balance. The one with the strongest belief is the one that creates the next moment. My reality was nearly crumbled by someone with a damaged mind but I was able to stick to what I knew was right. I know many people that have been sucked into a demented unhealthy place because they lost their grip on what they knew was correct.
Maybe there is no magic bubble or vibration that radiates from another person but this does not make this influence any less real. If you do not know who you are and what you want I can promise you that someone will define it for you.
Whoa… that was intense…