Whose reality is stronger, how he can change you! 5 of 5

by Mike Masters on May 27, 2009

ringuI am not really sure if I should tell this story since it is very disturbing to me. However it is the greatest illustration of how I have been affected by the intensity of another. Please understand that I am extremely uncomfortable telling it…

Not surprisingly it is Halloween

I am out on the town in Japan on a Friday night. There are smatterings of people lightly dressed up in something cute but hardly resembling a costume you might see in the states. I am somewhat relieved this is the case since I am tired of scouring thrift stores and over priced Halloween shops to find only weak parts to the costume I want to build. I guess I should stick to being a pirate instead of trying to create a Godzilla suit out of cardboard and paper mache. The upshot was that I went out in pretty normal clothing, looking good but pretty normal. I was only in my 2nd year overseas and I was still quite high on myself. Reveling in the rock star popularity a good-looking foreigner experiences overseas. I radiated this attitude as I walked into a club banging techno music so loud it was impossible to talk. I was supposed to meet someone there that I had only met once before. She was cute, friendly but honestly only my libido continued my interest. After a few drinks and some dancing amidst goofy painted faces and someone dressed as giant testicles we decided to go. We club hopped a bit more and continued to have a few drinks. Eventually we ended up at my place.

Scared the living hell out of me

Thinking back now it is a bit ironic that it was Halloween, since things got so incredibly creepy. I opened the door to my apartment and she went strait to my room and flopped on my bed as if she lived there. She didn’t say anything, just lay there facing the wall. I eventually laid next to her, not really knowing what to do. I lay there for on my back for a minute thinking she was asleep when she suddenly rolled over, grabbed me and kissed me. “Hey, what are you…” I said inhaling the words back in with her kissing. After a short time I reached back for her and explosively she pulled away as if I had a knife in each hand. She tucked in the corner, panting in a panic looking at me as if I was about to cut her. I went wide-eyed as well and opened both palms in alarm, “are you okay??” She didn’t say a word and I was getting freaked out. I lay down again, extremely confused, I raced through possible reasons why she did this. Then, To my shock she was kissing me again!! I reached for her and she pulled away panting again in terror as if I had punched her . I was slack jawed and feeling something very strange.

Something terrifying shifted in my head

To my surprise I started to get angry and aggressive. She lay there radiating fear and I felt drawn in to the role of the creator of that fear. I wanted to leave to the same intensity I wanted to stay, like a tight rope I was drawn into immobility. When the scene played out for the third time I found my heart beating madly as I broke one of the buttons on her shirt as she pulled away. My eyes were wide and my breath fast and shallow, I was terrified!! But I couldn’t move… As I stared at her in confused shock, my head froze in comprehension as she mouthed the words, “raappee mmeee” I shook with fear-induced hypothermia still holding her shirt in my fist. Images raced through my mind that I have rejected my whole life. My animal mind fought with my moral mind for control of the situation. To my extreme shame I wanted to… and I have never been more afraid of myself. I let go of her shirt, tore my eyes away and said, “You have to go…” I left the room and locked myself in the guest room. 10 minutes later I heard her leave and thankfully I never saw her again.

I would never ever ever do this

Telling this story now makes my heart race and I can feel the fear I felt then. I can also feel the emotions that she was radiating towards me. She wanted me to slap her and rip her clothing off. The thing that shocked me more than anything is that I was drawn in. Please understand that I could never ever physically harm someone! If I find a spider I pick it up and let it go outside with a little cash to boot! I would never ever ever ever hurt someone like this… I have never entertained violent thoughts or sexual fantasies like this. In this regard I am as extreme in this as Gandhi is to Hitler! What the hell happened???

The bubble of reality

I believe that everyone carries around with them a bubble of reality. This bubble extends beyond all of us to intersect and interact with other people’s bubbles. Sometimes bubbles are in sync and they spin together creating a larger bubble to effect others. In some cases bubbles clash and you are repelled by a person though you may not know why. These bubbles seem to affect others even without words expressed, they seem to be able to radiate out from the smallest cues or none at all. We are affected by these bubbles and unless we have a very strong reality ourselves we are drawn into the spin of someone else. In the case psycho-rape-me girl, I was pulled into the role I normally would never play. This extreme case blew my mind since I seemed to have so little control over my emotions. I felt as if I were the puppet and she the puppeteer. Her reality was the string that was tugging on violence I never knew existed.

Know your reality and defend it

This is perhaps the most powerful key to power balance. The one with the strongest belief is the one that creates the next moment.  My reality was nearly crumbled by someone with a damaged mind but I was able to stick to what I knew was right. I know many people that have been sucked into a demented unhealthy place because they lost their grip on what they knew was correct.
Maybe there is no magic bubble or vibration that radiates from another person but this does not make this influence any less real. If you do not know who you are and what you want I can promise you that someone will define it for you.

Whoa… that was intense…

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How him “wearing the pants” leaves you naked 4 of 5 | MasterDater
December 20, 2009 at 11:18 am

{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Mike Masters May 27, 2009 at 10:31 pm

Didn’t mean for that entry to get so serious! and I don’t want the reader to get lost on the negative only! This can be a powerful tool for you to use in your favor.

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2 Christina May 28, 2009 at 3:52 pm

So sorry I had to go, I wasn’t quite done talking with you but will have to continue that later……so uhhh this was uncomfortable, even for me to read. Astonishing that someone would have or want this…..it is morally wrong, but it was either her only previous experience or something she wanted to try on, uh yeah that doesn’t sound right. However, a thought did pop for me, I have a friend that has this as a fantasy, but also wants control of the experience. She to this day does not understand you have no control in that type of situation, I mean in the act. The control you have is keeping it a reality that it is a wrong situation to put oneself in.
It is also a good point you made that we all can be sucked in to the vortex that is someone else’s bubble, I think even I do that at times without realizing. Even thought it was uncomfortable I still feel it was a very important experience to share and many readers need to know. Thanks love C

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3 Mike Masters May 28, 2009 at 7:21 pm

@Christina thanks for stopping by! It was really awful to experience this but of course I have worse… i won’t share those over the blog but maybe over some whiskey!?

@Sarah at the time I was just becoming who I am today. I was passing through the gauntlet of self absorption most people go though in high school. Oh wait… maybe I am still going through it?
I think I am well defined now, I know who I am and I would smell that girls sickness a mile away. (curious to see what I would do now)

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4 Sarah May 28, 2009 at 4:08 pm

That hurts all the way over here to New York, my friend. It literally makes me want to be sick–her treatment of you was awful, but in some sense her treatment of herself was even worse. What a broken wretch of a soul. I am so sorry!!!!

But to your take home point:”To thine own self be true” as the saying goes. Be who you are, be confident in that, and calmly yet authoritatively radiate that confident self image where ever you go–you’ll find that that’s the way people will treat you. This is true in relationships of any sort–love, work, family (sometimes it doesn’t work there though), friends, sports, whatever!

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5 Sarah May 28, 2009 at 7:53 pm

@Mike–I know you are your own self. Slipped up there on the use of the rhetorical you. Next time I’ll get all Victorian and say “one shall”, or “one ought,” or “one must” :)

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6 Christina May 29, 2009 at 9:22 am

when you are in town next I’ll pour and your welcome love to read the blog

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7 QTMama May 29, 2009 at 11:09 am

Wow, Sarah is right you know. Her treatment of you was sorry, but her treatment of herself was downright pitiful. I could not, on the lowest day and point in my life, hmmm, or the most drunkest point either, imagine saying, “rape me” to a man. Christ Almighty.

I dig your theory of the bubble reality. It’s a good analogy actually. Sometimes though, it’s learning who we are, and accepting ourselves for who and what we are that can be in the kick in the ass.

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8 Jillian May 29, 2009 at 2:59 pm

Sorry guys, I love each and every one of you, not in a stalker way, but enough to tell you that I completely disagree with you. I think this was a fantasy for her. It seems odd to me that she would trust Mike enough to live it out with someone she barely knew, but the feeling I get from this is that she wanted to absolve her own responsibility for her half of the situation for a night and that she wanted Mike to be the aggressor for a night.

The rape fantasy is actually a pretty common one, from my understanding and I don’t think less of Mike for the half a second he actually considered going along with it. It allowed him to let go and take charge for once as well. She was still giving her permission for the act and it allowed his own fantasy of being completely in charge to take over.

Please note that I don’t advocate this kind of love play in a new relationship or endorse the feelings behind it. They can be dangerous. But I don’t think it’s as crazy or as self-loathing as it might seem.

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9 Mike Masters May 29, 2009 at 4:36 pm

@QTMama it was pretty darn creepy!! I really like the bubble theory too, it has been ten years in the making. This is why I believe is is imperative you choose well with the people you spend time with!

@Sarah, I was just rambling

@Jillian Rape fantasy? I don’t think so, I think she had been raped a few times and associated it as an acceptable practice. As for the fantasy part, of course it is common, I think all girls have wrestled with their boyfriends while he tried to have his way. Sometimes they stopped him because it was freaky or they got into it. Was it associated with her self esteem?, absolutely!!! I don’t believe for a second that she would like herself the next day, she was conditioned to believe it was right or okay. This girl had zero self confidence and if she had it she would have the guts to know this was wrong. She was seriously fucked up in the head…
“allowed him to let go and take charge for once” Jillian!!?? what do you think of me?? that someone who calls themselves the masterdater would be passive in bed?? not take charge?? This was unhealthy and I was going to have nothing to do with it.
Reminds me of a girl who told me I could choke her if I wanted to, her ex used to do it and she didn’t mind. Deviant sexual behavioral is undoubtedly associated with self esteem or drug use (which of course leads back to self esteem)

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10 Jillian May 29, 2009 at 5:24 pm

@Mike Actually, I do think you may be more submissive than you let on, Mr. Water. I don’t doubt that there is some sexual abuse in the past, but that doesn’t mean there was any sexual fantasy that was part of this. Acceptable practice has it’s basis in that fantasy arena. It’s what it takes for her to get where she needs to go. Victims often have difficulty with accepting that they enjoyed what was happening to them.

To say that she was off her rocker feels misleading because we don’t know what caused her to get to this point. If it was part of her fantasy and she associates that fear and feelings with it to enjoyment, she may be ok with it. It may be part of her adaptive defense mechanisms and it may be how she’s convinced herself that she’s still ok regardless of what happened to her?

Granted, this is all of us making a LOT of assumptions about this girl.

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11 Sha May 31, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Wow, that was deep.
A very strong write on “know your reality, and defend it”. Very good Mike.
Thanks for the honesty.

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12 Mike Masters May 31, 2009 at 6:03 pm

@Jillian The axe murderer has a very good excuse but I am not going to hang out with him. It does not matter to me what has happened to her or if it is justified. She like the axe murderer has an agenda I do not share. Labeling her may not be “fair” but it is a very effective way to avoid what I consider illness.
and… Punk.. You get divorced and lets have a talk about how watery I am… ;-)

@Sha good to see you around! Protecting your power/reality is very important! I have had it stolen so many times and every time I kick myself thinking… “damn it! again?? really??”

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13 Jillian May 31, 2009 at 6:22 pm

@Mike I’m not saying that you have to go along with her fantasy. I’m just saying that she can’t defend herself on this and I’d be interested in her side of this. I agree with you totally in that we do what we have to do in relationships to avoid places that are too dark for us and, in this case, I do think you were justified in doing so. My point is that we, being the commenters, weren’t there, and so for us to label isn’t fair.

Hahahahahah. Flirt. I’ll keep it in mind, punk.

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14 Sarah June 2, 2009 at 6:58 am

@Jillian–good points about not judging this girl, though I still can’t help but think that something is still pretty broken if she has to have such a convoluted defense mechanism for dealing with it. I’m thinking of Freud here, and descriptions of how symptoms emerge from negative sexual experienced that may be deeply repressed and unrecognizable to the person, but emerge as somewhat odd behaviors. But you’re right, without knowing her, it’s hard to say anything meaningful.

@Mike–you’re incorrigible, flirting with a married woman that way!! ;)

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15 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 11:05 am

*whistles innocently*

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16 Sarah June 2, 2009 at 11:12 am

Yeah, I see you flirting right back… but then how can we resist our dear Mike?

*sly grin*

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17 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 11:13 am

Why, Sarah, I have no idea what you might be talking about?

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18 Sarah June 2, 2009 at 11:19 am

Oh, of course not! *big innocent eyes*

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19 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 11:20 am

Huh? What were we talking about? Bunnies?

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20 Sarah June 2, 2009 at 11:24 am

Oh yeah, that was it, cute furry little bunnies….and that in the Hopi culture, a man presents the woman he desires with two bunnies. :)

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21 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 11:26 am

Hrm. Let’s just say I’ve haven’t been presented any bunnies and I’m not the Hopi man’s type in the slightest. ;)

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22 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 11:27 am

“I Haven’t”

I hate realizing I made a grammatical error as the comment is loading and I am powerless to stop it!

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23 Sarah June 2, 2009 at 11:32 am

That’s probably for the best, ’cause then the woman, if she accepts the proposition, has to gut, skin and prepare the rabbits for the man–she gets the short end of the stick in my opinion!

Boy, we digress *hee hee*

And I totally understand about the grammar thing–frustrating!

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24 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 11:33 am

Screw that. Bunnies are pets. Not food. Cows on the other hand…;)

Digression is a fun and necessary part of life. At least in this post, I think.

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25 Sarah June 2, 2009 at 11:42 am

I hear you–and what is it with men giving gifts that require more work to receive than it cost them to give? Always cleaning up after them, we are… *sigh*

Now if a man presents a cow killed, cleaned, and butchered, then we’re talking serious business! Then we know he’s serious! :)

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26 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 11:53 am

Well, quite frankly, it needs to be on a grill with a nice red wine as well.

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27 Sarah June 2, 2009 at 12:07 pm

some form of chocolate and we’re all set (taking notes Mike?)

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28 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm

Chocolate covered strawberries are good so we can pretend we’re eating “healthy.” :D

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29 roadtripmama June 2, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Okay, enough with the dead bunnies! Jillian, I agree, bunnies are pets. I have 2 that are 18 pounds each (not a typo!). If a man really really wants to give you a gift, Tiffany is the place. Just love those little blue boxes!

Mike, how about some thoughts on what you think of during the marathon??? Unless it’s weird sexual fantasies about girls who wish to be raped. That whole story gave me the heebie jeebies.

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30 Mike Masters June 2, 2009 at 6:59 pm

What is wrong with you people!?? of course bunnies are food!
Except RTM’s
She has like… 30 lb monster rabbits!!

What did I think of during the marathon?? Strangely… very little. (the girls butt in front of me?) Was playing an audio book while running but don’t remember a word of it. I think I was completely in the zone. Smiling like a bobble head and occasionally thinking. “oh god… it is only mile ___ ?” then suddenly I started running next to a really cute 22 year old Korean girl. I swear I draw these girls like flies to poop… She runs me in the last three miles at a break neck half sprint. Didn’t know if I was in love or wanted to see her hit the deck screaming in pain with a cramp. I think maybe the former. Evil woman…

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31 Jillian June 2, 2009 at 6:51 pm

RTM! I’ve missed you! And I can be persuaded with Tiffany.

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32 roadtripmama June 2, 2009 at 8:41 pm

I seemed to notice you have a tendency toward Asian women….curious about that. One of my best friends (freshly divorced) travels quite a bit and has this “thing” for Asian women as well.

Jillian – had a few “road trips” but always follow the conversations. Thanks for missing me!!!! I did agree with all your points on this one tho….very thought out. You always see things from a different perspective that has such insight and wisdom.

And they aren’t 30 lbs….just slightly less, each.

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33 Jillian June 3, 2009 at 11:54 am

RTM– Aw, thanks!

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34 Maerie October 5, 2011 at 5:37 am

As a person who has rape fantasies i am no more “crazy” or “pyscho” then your so called “rape me girl”. I highly educated have a family and successful career and im not even 30. Everyone i know who has a rape fantasy ( Men AND Women) have them for different reasons, but none of them are crazy. I get how some people are sensitive about the subject and i get that, but for you to talk so badly about this girl without knowing the slightest bit of ANYTHING about the fantasy is ignorant and wrong. I seriously think you changed the ending of your story. What really happened was you agreed to “rape her” but during she turned out to be a dominatrix and had you bent over crying for mommy. Maybe im wrong but who knows what happened i wasnt there and shes not here to defend herself so ill keep that version in my mind to be more entertaining. Take Care. :)

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35 Gracie October 10, 2011 at 9:25 am

You’re looking at it from the wrong perspective, this fantasy is just that, a fantasy. I have never been raped or molested or suffered any sexual trauma at all, yet a rape fantasy is a common one for me. All it really is for me is the ability to prove complete trust for your partner and completely submit yourself to their will. And when these fantasy’s are acted out, a safe word is easily created in case it goes to far, which it rarely will if you lay out what you expect before hand. I’m not deranged or a freak of any kind. I’m going to med school, have a great boyfriend who’s loved me for three years and knows all my fantasies, and am at the top of my class of students. You can’t judge one person by what they fantasize about it, that my friend, makes you in the wrong.

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36 Mike Masters October 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

Whatever, the girl was a fruit loop with a history of sexual violence.

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37 Gracie October 11, 2011 at 5:13 am

Or you’re an ass with a history of creating false judgements on others to make yourself feel better about the things you’ve done.

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38 Mariana December 1, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Just exploring the web and stumbled upon this…I must say it appalls me the way you label this girl. Saying she has an illness or is wrong in the head is just like saying homosexuality or heterosexuality is an illness. Fantasies are fantasies, and there’s really nothing we can changed about that. So she’s into things that scare some people, that doesn’t mean she’s terrible. What if she was somewhere out there and saw the way you label her? Don’t you think that she would be painfully upset about such treatment? I understand the reason you didn’t go along with it, as I never would either, but she’s just a woman trying to live out her sexual fantasies. To be perfectly honest, if a man i was dating had posted such harsh things about another girl, regardless of the situation leading up to them, i’d leave him in a heartbeat. It’s not our place to judge in this world.

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