You cannot force balance
“Nooo!!!” She screamed at me. “No no no!!!” she was red in the face eyes rimmed with redness and tears running down her face. She straddled the front tire of my road bike stopping me from moving forward. (The scene must have been a bit comical with me still wearing tight shorts and a helmet) My face was grim, I wanted desperately to give into her but I knew I just couldn’t. “You can’t do this!! I won’t let you do this!” her eyes turned from sadness to determined anger. I hardened as well and pulled the bike back to get away from her. She grabbed the handlebars refusing to let me go. “Why, Why?!!!” She yelled and her voice cracked with the intensity. I pushed her hands off the bike slowly but with force. “I’m sorry…” I said, she slowly relinquished her grip from the relationship as well as the bike. She collapsed in a squat to the cement in tears of frustration. I turned myself around and my own tears exploded from my eyes. I had finally escaped her, finally released myself from Keiko.
Harley Dude almost gets canned
Literally last night I was hanging out with my buddy John and he told me a story while kicking my ass in pool. John got into a little bit of trouble for calling a coworker a “little bitch.” John’s coworker was not pulling his weight at work and probably deserved this comment. Unfortunately John’s “bitch” went to John’s boss and complained. Sounds reasonable? Or not?
John is a 250 lb shaved headed 40-year-old construction worker with a Harley Davidson goatee and a tee shirt not allowed at TGIFs. John is rough, intimidating and has emotional turrets. This has gotten the very competent and intelligent John fired from many jobs. Is the point about John? Not really… it is more about has 50-year-old coworker that ran to the boss. Was this a good power balance move? Threatening John’s livelihood? Going to the teacher and saying “John called me a bitch!!”
Both of these stories involve anger and bad power balance decisions but I think I am still eluding my point a bit. Ahh… I have a good one.
Angie sends her big brother to force love
Angie was 15 and I was 16, we went to different high schools but we met every once in a while for a little heavy petting. After a few months of this I didn’t call Angie because I met someone new. I got a few angry phone calls and once she showed up at my school during lunch hour. She found me, cornered me and yelled at me. This of course repelled me from her as if she were covered in fresh greasy pigs feces. (I fell up to my neck in the stuff once, had to throw away my clothing) When her yelling tirade didn’t work she sent in some heavy muscle. Her big brother cornered me after school one day. “Hey! Masters!” I didn’t know him so I was caught off guard, when I turned to him my heart fell out of my ass. He had a good 50lbs on me and so did the two guys he was with. My brain raced trying to think if any girl I had recently slept with had a boyfriend. “What’s your problem dude!?” He said pushing me against the tennis court fence. “Who are you??” I said. “You know Angie… why are you screwing her around? She likes you dude why don’t you like her back…” My face went slack with shock and along with it Angie’s chances of ever having a relationship with me.
You cannot take what someone does not want to give
Okay… The point… I beat it to death with examples simply because I think it is elusive to identify. Simply put, YOU CAN NOT FORCE POWER BALANCE. If the balance was entirely up to you of course more energy might make things work but there are two people pulling on this rope. The more energy you put into forcing things to work the more he will pull away. This is a Chinese a finger trap and cannot be escaped by force. John’s coworker did a very dishonorable and damaging thing by threatening his job. The proper thing to do was is respond in kind and then later address if John was correct. When you pull out the “big guns” to make a situation work you inevitably doom it to fail.
What is the right path? Just like the Chinese finger puzzle you must relax to escape it. I think this is scary because it takes away our control and puts or power into the hands of the other person. When you lose power from a significant other the knee jerk is to be like a five year old demanding YOUR toy back. This will only lead to the other toddler running away with it.
It never left you
To truly get your power back you must first realize that no one ever took it… You can have your power back in the next few seconds if you understand this. Your power is yours, the only thing someone can do is your refuse your desires. If someone leaves you, it hurts, you feel empty but you heal and are soon whole. If time could heal this vacuum did it ever really exist?
- Anger is one of the ugliest emotions and like pitbull should always be on a leash
- In relationships, you may not win if you don’t fight but you cannot win if you do
- Loss is only perception
- Can’t help but fight? remove yourself instead.
Continue to Giving back power, keeping balance in the relationship 3 of 5
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m feeling bad for John, but that was some poor judgment there. Feeling less sorry for Angie.
Balance is a big deal for me. I think that the majority of dysfunction is caused by lack of balance in life. Of course, I think this post is brilliant because of that.
I think a lot of people struggle with the idea of HOW to get their power back because they have given it away. You CAN lose it, if you give it up. It may be within you, but that doesn’t mean that you can easily regain it. Especially if the other end of the relationship doesn’t respect you. This feels like more of an esteem and confidence issue.
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You hit the nail on the head with regaining the power, once it is gone… it is nearly impossible to get back.
That is what happened with Angie. Didn’t want to continue with someone I was unbalanced with.
Well, or someone that every time you would disagree would get someone to beat the crap out of you. Logistically, that would make for a poor relationship.
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well, unless you were into that…
Into getting beat up by her brother?
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And, by the way, you didn’t add me to your links page. I’m ok with it, though.
Punk.
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don’t be so butt hurt… I will do it now =P
Do I look butt hurt to you? Frankly, I hardly care at all.
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Ooooh, are we going to argue? This might be fun and, at the very least, would bring drama mongers to your blog.
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Damn it Jillian this isn’t twitter or an IM box…
Wow. You really hurt my feelings.
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Not sure what it’s about? It doesn’t have a glaring theme, this I know. It’s just about life. Ups, downs, and in betweens.
By the way, for those not privvy, Mike and I are just joking in our comments. I’m not really hurt at all. We like to pick at one another. I will let you know if he ever really ticks me off. Right after I let him know and we fix it.
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Jillian
I think you should send your older brother and his friends to kick Mike’s ass after school! wow…sometimes it feels good to be this old and be juvenile
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I love to be childish! bring it on Jillian! If my dad didn’t have MS he could totally kick your dad’s ass!
Are you calling me juvenile? You wanna go, too?
Unfortunately, I don’t have any brothers.
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…
..
.
Mike, I don’t know who my dad is. I’m illegitimate.
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Jillian
You’re the best! BTW…I am the juvenile one – whenever I can be and it is lots of fun!
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RTM, you just don’t want a piece of this.
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Jillian you must have the same mail man as my neighbor, you guys look IDENTICAL!
All y’all are making me crack up!
Reminds me of The Police song line “My brother’s gonna kill you and he’s six foot ten!”
I gotta admit that there have been times in my life when I wished I had a man ready and willing to fight for me. Alas, I’m the oldest of three daughters and have to fight my own fights. At least I can throw a real punch (punched my sister through a window once, breaking the glass on my way through).
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I would fight for you Sarah but it sounds like you are tougher than I am! Through glass?? that is some Bruce Lee stuff…
I’m slow to anger, but once there, oh man–not pretty. One of the few times in my life I was so mad I saw red…. And it was a thing of beauty, as clean as can be–not a single cut and the punch landed squarely on my sister’s jaw. And talk about anger and power–my sister totally backed down after that!
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@Mike, you’re just saying that to excuse your naughty behavior with your mailman.
@Sarah, holy cow, lady. I could use someone like you to defend me. Are you free for dinner friday night?
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@Mike–(slap to forehead here) I misread your post as “I would fight you” but you said you’d fight FOR me. Anytime Darling!!!!
@Jillian Ah ha! a new career possibility here–personal security. Now what to call my service…Lethal Ladies Protection Service? Think that will intimidate your foe?
Funny, but true, my 6 foot 5 ex-marine specialist, multiple black-belt-something-or-another (trained in Japan) office mate always told me he was more scared of tiny women than any other force in the world. Apparently his ass had been well and truly kicked by more than one. Truth be told, though, he saved my ass on a number of occasions–apparently I only break glass when REALLY furious, otherwise, I’m a scaredy cat.
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Love your website – it’s been … an interesting read. For future reference, though, you seem to be confusing “turrets” with “Tourette’s,” as in “emotional turrets.” A “turret” is a tower. Tourette’s is the one where people don’t appear to have much control over what they say. My apologies if I mis-read.
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Hahaha, you are right
never thought to question my spell check