Is this too much power?
This is part 5 of the soulmate series – understanding how it can start so good and end so bad.
- Power balance
- Feminine vs masculine
- Logical vs creative
- The Archetypes
- Compensating for power shifts and maintaining tension
- Mental stability and unhealthy attraction
Tension, why we are attracted to each other
A friend of mine from fullofhateandreadytodate.com let me read his book recently and I realized that we talk about very similar things but use different language. I say, there can be no attraction without a balance of power. He says, that attraction starts with Tension. I think we are basically saying the same thing. When we sense someone is powerful, tension is created and attraction often occurs.
The Challenge of Maintaining Tension
I believe that this tension or balance must be maintained throughout the relationship or it will suffer boredom, confusion and frustration.
The best example I have ever had on the lesson of tension and power balance was when I over extended myself and dated a minor celebrity.
I get my ass kicked
She was a Radio DJ in one of the largest cities in Japan and I was… wait for it… wait… a kindergarten teacher. When we first met I was so confident around women that the power was very well established. We were equally balanced and enough of opposites that attraction was strong. To my later misery, all the ingredients were there for an enormous mess.
Things were pretty amazing for the first few weeks, up until… I realized something, I couldn’t even begin to understand the life she lived. She was all over Japan, Korea and the US, conducting interviews with people (I was told) were stupidly famous. She wore designer jeans that cost over $400 bucks and her penthouse apartment was more to rent than my entire monthly salary. When this started to sink in, I could feel myself shrink.
I felt the irrational need to hang on to something I really wasn’t losing. I started to contact her too much, I met her too often, I said too many needy things. The tension I had deftly created in the beginning vanished over night. She could feel her power in the relationship expand and she very quickly disposed of me. Ouch… No worse feeling.
I have talked about this before in the post Giving back power and keeping the balance. Most people in the beginning, are in a constant silent struggle. They push and pull their partners to define unseen boundaries and test compatibility. If they are a match they might stay together for a while. However, not forever! Relationships almost always break down because one partner or another loses that balance.
Step the fuck up!
Often the reaction of the partner that gained too much strength, is to push the other away. To abuse them into a state of reaction, I call, “step the fuck up” syndrome, and it kinda sucks.
Unfortunately, “step the fuck up” often does the opposite, your partner is already losing power and this only adds to their load.
What if you were able to “step the fuck down”?
The human knee jerk to push their partner is an attempt regain that tension but I believe the opposite can be more effective. You want that tension back? You want to feel attracted again? Maybe, you can give your power back? Maybe you can sabotage yourself to give him strength.
Being on the side of power is a lot easier place to be than on the side of weakness. However, if we want the relationship to continue we may have to give back some of what we may not want. On the opposite side of that equation? Check out the power balance series
- If you feel weak, seek out something outside of the relationship that makes you strong (other friends, skills, sports)
- Choose someone that is in balance with you, don’t choose someone for tension alone
- Stay vigilant and seek to maintain this balance, your attraction depends on it.
- Don’t hesitate to give back power when the moment requires