Comments on: Happy and divorced or miserable together? http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/power-balance/happy-and-divorced-or-miserable-together/ Dating advice for women and men Wed, 01 Feb 2012 09:02:50 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Sarah http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/power-balance/happy-and-divorced-or-miserable-together/comment-page-1/#comment-923 Sarah Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:20:42 +0000 http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/?p=809#comment-923 As another kid with six parents (Mike, we really should start a club), I gotta say that the single best thing that all of my parents did for my sisters and me was to present a united front. No matter which house we were at, or which parent we were with, the rules, rewards, punishments, and expectations were the same. And birthdays and holidays weren't bad--we had a system of alternating that worked really well and now that I'm married, we've worked my in-laws into the rotation (though they don't like that there's a rotation, but that's a different issue!). As for weddings and graduations--everyone gets together and has a great time without fighting or bickering because all of the parents are too busy being proud and happy for us kids! As another kid with six parents (Mike, we really should start a club), I gotta say that the single best thing that all of my parents did for my sisters and me was to present a united front. No matter which house we were at, or which parent we were with, the rules, rewards, punishments, and expectations were the same. And birthdays and holidays weren’t bad–we had a system of alternating that worked really well and now that I’m married, we’ve worked my in-laws into the rotation (though they don’t like that there’s a rotation, but that’s a different issue!). As for weddings and graduations–everyone gets together and has a great time without fighting or bickering because all of the parents are too busy being proud and happy for us kids!

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]]> By: Mike Masters http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/power-balance/happy-and-divorced-or-miserable-together/comment-page-1/#comment-918 Mike Masters Mon, 29 Jun 2009 05:30:39 +0000 http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/?p=809#comment-918 good point Cara thanks for adding that. If John wants to move to another place how would that affect the kids. Having a good relationship with your ex is imperative for the health of the kids. Fortunately I grew up with that! good point Cara thanks for adding that. If John wants to move to another place how would that affect the kids. Having a good relationship with your ex is imperative for the health of the kids. Fortunately I grew up with that!

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]]> By: cara http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/power-balance/happy-and-divorced-or-miserable-together/comment-page-1/#comment-917 cara Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:22:54 +0000 http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/?p=809#comment-917 I have always gotten along well with my ex for the sake of our child. Sure there have been arguments, even some big ones, but I have always apologized if I was in the wrong and vice versa. I think it makes things much easier for my son and has allowed him to be more well adjusted. I stop over at my ex's family things once in a while and I get along with his girlfriend(s) over the years and his one currently. My parents' divorce was very bitter and hurt all of us kids, probably contributing to my fear of commitment and my complete self-reliance. Parents staying together for the children messes them up just as much. Being a father of divorced kids may make your job harder than it is now, but would also allow them to really see your personality and not your marriage personality. Would your wife allow her unhappiness to taint your children? After the period of adjustment would she also be happier? You also have to remember that no one will love your kids like you and your wife. When you are an old man you won't be able to share the memories of their life up to this point with anyone else. Holidays won't be celebrated as a family and some of the balance of how an intact family operates will not be the same. Will you be able to work with your ex through teenage years, going to college, marriages? Sometimes people overlook these parts. Just things to add to your list... I have always gotten along well with my ex for the sake of our child. Sure there have been arguments, even some big ones, but I have always apologized if I was in the wrong and vice versa. I think it makes things much easier for my son and has allowed him to be more well adjusted. I stop over at my ex’s family things once in a while and I get along with his girlfriend(s) over the years and his one currently. My parents’ divorce was very bitter and hurt all of us kids, probably contributing to my fear of commitment and my complete self-reliance. Parents staying together for the children messes them up just as much. Being a father of divorced kids may make your job harder than it is now, but would also allow them to really see your personality and not your marriage personality. Would your wife allow her unhappiness to taint your children? After the period of adjustment would she also be happier? You also have to remember that no one will love your kids like you and your wife. When you are an old man you won’t be able to share the memories of their life up to this point with anyone else. Holidays won’t be celebrated as a family and some of the balance of how an intact family operates will not be the same. Will you be able to work with your ex through teenage years, going to college, marriages? Sometimes people overlook these parts. Just things to add to your list…

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]]> By: Mike Masters http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/power-balance/happy-and-divorced-or-miserable-together/comment-page-1/#comment-914 Mike Masters Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:50:09 +0000 http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/?p=809#comment-914 YES! I totally agree with you. Don't fuck up your kids because you don't have the courage to get a divorce. I had a wonderful stepfather that raised me and I would not have it any other way and neither would my real father. I hope that your kids are raised by as good a guy as I was. Granted we are a bit at odds now! but I was loved and that is what matters. YES! I totally agree with you. Don’t fuck up your kids because you don’t have the courage to get a divorce.
I had a wonderful stepfather that raised me and I would not have it any other way and neither would my real father. I hope that your kids are raised by as good a guy as I was. Granted we are a bit at odds now! but I was loved and that is what matters.

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]]> By: That Girl http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/power-balance/happy-and-divorced-or-miserable-together/comment-page-1/#comment-912 That Girl Sun, 28 Jun 2009 11:00:41 +0000 http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/?p=809#comment-912 I am an adult child of divorced parents. Mine split up when I was in my early twenties after about 7 years of sheer hell for all of us. Their relationship was disintegrating for a long time, but they didn't split right away because the years before that were really good. I can understand this. However. Because they were so preoccupied with their own problems, they were not present for me and my two siblings. We were left to fend for ourselves, plus we took on the role of caretaker for our mother, who had the roughest time emotionally. I do think this was very unfair. When I was 28, I married a man who was very much like my own father. Took me years to realize this, and to admit that the unhappiness I felt in my own marriage was not normal, and not going away. By the time I realized this, we had two children, ages 2 and 4. The biggest deciding factor for me to leave the marriage was that I was modeling an unhealthy relationship for my children. We didn't argue in front of them nor much at all - our ways of conducting a marriage were vastly different from each other and there was a huge divide in ways we lived our daily lives and worked out conflicts. It's hard to explain, except to say arguing didn't seem to be a solution, nor did it seem worth the effort. So, when our children were 2 and 4, my husband and I split up. I moved to an apartment 5 blocks away. We shared custody and access 50/50, which worked (and still does) very well. Because I left, I forced my ex to become an involved father. Before then, he had never had the kids on his own, and so they would naturally come to me to fulfill all of their needs. Because I left, he is a great dad. Because I left, my kids see me happy, and him happy. They don't see a negative marriage that they would inevitably subconsciously repeat. Our kids are now 6 and 8, and I can honestly say they are very happy and well-adjusted. My ex and I live within 1 kilometre of each other, and are great co-parents. We both attend school concerts, birthday parties, etc. We have always put the kids first, and are very flexible with our schedules when necessary. I've had people tell me I have the best kind of parenting set-up - I have my kids half the time, and the other half they are happily with their father while I pursue my own goals and take care of myself. I'm about to get remarried. The man I chose is a wonderful family man (he has three kids himself) and lovely person in general. He and I get along like peas and carrots, and my kids love him and his kids. I feel very confident demonstrating to our kids what a healthy happy marriage looks like. Has everything been easy? Hell no. There have been many times I have had to bite bite bite my tongue with regards to my ex. But it's totally worth it to preserve the image my kids have of their father. It's such an important relationship! Many people don't understand that I left my husband so that we would have a more balanced relationship with our kids. They don't understand my anger at the time came from him not being the father our kids (any kids, for that matter) needed him to be - involved. Obviously I don't agree that staying together is better for children. I think happy parents who have the brain-space to properly raise their children is best! I am an adult child of divorced parents. Mine split up when I was in my early twenties after about 7 years of sheer hell for all of us. Their relationship was disintegrating for a long time, but they didn’t split right away because the years before that were really good. I can understand this. However. Because they were so preoccupied with their own problems, they were not present for me and my two siblings. We were left to fend for ourselves, plus we took on the role of caretaker for our mother, who had the roughest time emotionally. I do think this was very unfair.

When I was 28, I married a man who was very much like my own father. Took me years to realize this, and to admit that the unhappiness I felt in my own marriage was not normal, and not going away. By the time I realized this, we had two children, ages 2 and 4. The biggest deciding factor for me to leave the marriage was that I was modeling an unhealthy relationship for my children. We didn’t argue in front of them nor much at all – our ways of conducting a marriage were vastly different from each other and there was a huge divide in ways we lived our daily lives and worked out conflicts. It’s hard to explain, except to say arguing didn’t seem to be a solution, nor did it seem worth the effort.

So, when our children were 2 and 4, my husband and I split up. I moved to an apartment 5 blocks away. We shared custody and access 50/50, which worked (and still does) very well. Because I left, I forced my ex to become an involved father. Before then, he had never had the kids on his own, and so they would naturally come to me to fulfill all of their needs. Because I left, he is a great dad. Because I left, my kids see me happy, and him happy. They don’t see a negative marriage that they would inevitably subconsciously repeat.

Our kids are now 6 and 8, and I can honestly say they are very happy and well-adjusted. My ex and I live within 1 kilometre of each other, and are great co-parents. We both attend school concerts, birthday parties, etc. We have always put the kids first, and are very flexible with our schedules when necessary. I’ve had people tell me I have the best kind of parenting set-up – I have my kids half the time, and the other half they are happily with their father while I pursue my own goals and take care of myself.

I’m about to get remarried. The man I chose is a wonderful family man (he has three kids himself) and lovely person in general. He and I get along like peas and carrots, and my kids love him and his kids. I feel very confident demonstrating to our kids what a healthy happy marriage looks like.

Has everything been easy? Hell no. There have been many times I have had to bite bite bite my tongue with regards to my ex. But it’s totally worth it to preserve the image my kids have of their father. It’s such an important relationship! Many people don’t understand that I left my husband so that we would have a more balanced relationship with our kids. They don’t understand my anger at the time came from him not being the father our kids (any kids, for that matter) needed him to be – involved.

Obviously I don’t agree that staying together is better for children. I think happy parents who have the brain-space to properly raise their children is best!

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