Big noses, long hoses – how to spot a keeper

by Mike Masters on June 20, 2010

AKA dick nose

AKA dick nose

How to spot a small penis

“Jesus!? How should I know!?”  I said with a squeak on the word Jesus. I have been bombarded with about every dating question you can imagine but this one had me at a loss. What threw me even more was the fact that she was SO determined to glean the answer. “You aren’t bi, seriously?” there was silence on the phone while my face contorted into something similar to porky pig about to sneeze.

What the hell?

Recently I was reading an interesting article on Datedaily by a Ashley Levine titled Penis size matters The author demands a certain sized penis, and she goes as far to not date/sleep with men that are not endowed to her requirements. Since she doesn’t like to waste time she will out right ask a man his dimensions. This made me laugh and think of my friend Dating Diva at Tales from an Internet Dater

“I couldn’t tell, I looked, but it is so hard to judge!” I laughed again, listening to DD explain how she expertly assessed her dates penis size visually. I imagine her pointing to something across the room and saying, “What the hell is that!” The second he looks, she turns her intensity to his crotch, attempting to peel back the layers of his denim with pure will power.

“I don’t want to waste time. I know what I like and if he doesn’t make the grade why should I bother?” At some point during the date, I ask him a couple of questions about sex and I usually get a clue as to whether or not he’s packin’. Here are some signs from Dating Diva’s post “that might mean he is bad in bed” OR what she really meant to say, “5 signs to tell if he has a small penis.”

1. “I REALLY love foreplay.” That is code for-that’s all I can really do because my small penis just won’t cut it and I don’t want you to be disappointed.
2. “My last girlfriend told me I was the biggest she ever had.” That week? That month? Ask her to be more specific.
3. “I only like to do it from behind.” Here he is really saying, ‘so that you don’t notice my unusually small package.’
4. “Size doesn’t really matter, right?” This is code for, I’m just trying to see if you’ll sleep with a guy who is the size of your pinky.
5. “No one has ever complained about my size before.” Right, no one has ever complained TO YOUR FACE.

“Do you have a big penis?” she asked me, since this is such a ludicrous question I answered with the opposite. “No… I am like a baby, cocktail wieners frustrate me with their girth and even my nuts are tiny, like two little pistachios.” When my friend Jack is asked this question he responds, “Why, do you have a big vagina?”  Both of us feel that this is a very inappropriate question, just screaming to not be answered.

But wait, seriously, I think this is very important to address…

Here are some indicators that his penis size might be about the size of a blistered pinky.

1.    Talks about sex, constantly (this could be mistaken for him being male)
2.    Still wears tighty whities  (constricts growth)
3.    Organizes his sock drawer
4.    Shaves all his pubic hair (hey, it looks a little bigger)
5.    Has moobs, the larger they are, the smaller his junk (this actually has physiological truth)
6.    Obsessed with anal sex (do I really need to explain this?)
7.    Likes women with small hands

Indicator’s that he is he is carrying a baby’s arm holding an apple:

1.    Constant adjustment (this is based off the fear of accidentally sitting on it)
2.    Has a porn collection – of himself
3.    There is a soft slapping sound when he walks (could also be very large testicles)
4.    Outrageously arrogant (often coupled with premature ejaculation)
5.    Loves BIG women (not threatened by scale)
6.    Swings one arm when walking (this is a counter balance, like a cat’s tail)
7.    Drips on the toilet seat (when he sits down, it face plants on the ring)

Now I will admit, I have had times when I felt rather massive and proud of my Shaku Hachi (Japanese for 8 holed flute) This occurred when I first bought condoms in Japan. The first one I tore, and the second I shot across the room hitting the girl in the forehead, “Jesus, don’t you know how to put a condom on?” I looked at her a bit stunned, “Okay Jenna Jameson, you fucking do it,” There was an awkward silence in which I realized Australian’s had different porn icons.  She took charge and was very determined, when she finally got it on I felt like I was wearing  a  5 year-olds turtle neck, with a belt cinched to the breaking point. When my penis actually started wheezing it pretty much killed the mood.

790px-Penis_frequency.svgA shot of reality

If you religiously follow my above indicators you will most certainly find that 1-2% of the population over 7 inches. Did you get that? 1-2% Seriously, it is that rare… I was a bit surprised myself considering how much I swing one arm. This is a fish you will only land one in 50 men, is that really worth it to keep such a fierce look out?

My friend Dating Diva is finally seeing someone that she is crazy about. Does he have the goods to please her? Absolutely, is he hung? No, he falls into the same category as over 50% of all men in the United States. Is he a good lover? From what she says, he is wonderful. Does she wish he were bigger? Absolutely, she is shallow just like me and you.

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1 Dating Diva March 31, 2010 at 8:29 am

Bwahahahahahahahaha! Oh good Lord! And you are right, I am super crazy in love with someone who is not the size of a yardstick. Go figure.
.-= Dating Diva´s last blog ..The Lost Art of Communication…Has Been Found! =-.

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2 Mike Masters March 31, 2010 at 8:00 pm

Fantastic, are you going to throw the yardstick away now?

Thanks for being an inspiration for this DD, and thanks for being such a good sport about it.

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3 lisa March 31, 2010 at 8:34 am

Had to read this one twice because I laughed so hard. ;) I don’t even know what to say now!

I think 8″ is my personal penis maximus size, but the guy’s gotta have some girth, too, if he’s under 8″. And NO, I do not have a big vagina; it just feels reeeally good when you’re, um, fulfilled.
.-= lisa´s last blog ..blegh. =-.

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4 -NN- March 31, 2010 at 6:08 pm

I agree – GIRTH is more important that length.

I don’t want a spagetti with meatballs – it needs to be a close (or over) 2 inch diameter sausage – but 6 inch length is enough.

When I meet a man I look at the fingers – that is easy. There was this study which said same gene in boys is activated when penis is develops and fingers do. It is not fool proof, but I don’t risk anyone whose hand is same size as mine – he is supposed to be a MAN, I’m not bi enough to live with foreplay.

The only shrimp that I have met was my first lover, had tiny fingers – and he said he loved foreplay – it was the only thing I got from him, since he was so small that I couldn’t feel him inside when he penetrated.
I should have known, since when I gave him oral, I could get it inside my mouth – totally. But I was a virgin..
(That’s why some men love virgins.. no comparison)

I often wondered that can I count that as a loss of virginity, since the miniscule thing left no memory. =D

Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4

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5 Mike Masters March 31, 2010 at 8:07 pm

You are from the Philippines! where you do you find food that size?

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6 Mike Masters March 31, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Lisa so happy to make you laugh. That is the goal!
Also quite happy to hear about your penis size preference… Makes me feel more confident when we meet.

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7 nandoism March 31, 2010 at 8:38 am

Awesome post–but I think for Gay men it’s different–go figure. You made me laugh out loud–but it’s sad that people in general will make such harsh statements like that and cast off meeting really great people because in the end–how much will you be using that penis? (And I say that for any ONE characteristic people are hung up on) I had a guy tell me he doesn’t date guys with facial hair. Wow, okay, really? I replied, good–because I don’t date guys who highlights his hair, who are you Lance Bass?
.-= nandoism´s last blog ..Our First Argument:The Lesson Learned =-.

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8 Mike Masters March 31, 2010 at 8:10 pm

So with you, had a girl reject me because I had peach fuzz on my butt. :(

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9 Zoe March 31, 2010 at 8:45 am

Oh gosh, my employers better not find this one.

OK, here’s the thing about penis size: I’ve dated a good portion of men, all range of sizes. NEVER had a problem with “too small” (of course, “too small” meant about 4-5 inches at its best) but ALWAYS had a problem with “too big” (8-9+ inches, if you believe me). Maybe it’s just the way I’M built, but there you go, Mike, that’s my two cents.

This post distracted me enough during a lecture (yes, I’m in class) that I had to post a comment immediately. Thanks for the laugh. :)
.-= Zoe´s last blog ..Out of office reply: Spring break =-.

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10 Mike Masters March 31, 2010 at 8:11 pm

Happy to distract.
See you tomorrow!

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11 singlegirlie March 31, 2010 at 9:15 am

LOL, very cute post. Wait, am I allowed to call it “cute” or does that make it seem small? ;)

I would like to say that not all women think this way. Some women like big dicks, some women like medium dicks and some women like small dicks (yes, it’s true). Some women don’t really care. Everyone’s preference is different. So guys, don’t get too hung up on it (haha, I said “hung”). You just need to find the right peen-vag match.
.-= singlegirlie´s last blog ..Friday Night with Fred: I Never Promised You a BJ =-.

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12 Mike Masters March 31, 2010 at 8:13 pm

This is why I feel so strongly about driving the car before you fucking buy it!

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13 MissMelisaMae March 31, 2010 at 9:23 am

Love, love, loved this post! Hilarious! Being a Peni connoisseur myself I can relate to your friend the Dating Diva. I don’t, however, use that as my only prerequisite to dating a guy. It’s a preference, sure, just as some men prefer petit women or blonde hair but not the only thing when determining someone’s bedroom prowess. Thanks for the laugh and I’m sure I could add a few things to your lists ;-)
.-= MissMelisaMae´s last blog ..The Fireman (Part 3) =-.

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14 Mike Masters April 1, 2010 at 6:35 am

feel free to ad a few things next time!
I know what I like but I have so often been surprised at who I fall in love with, very rarely are they my “ideal”

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15 Nicole March 31, 2010 at 9:31 am

That. Was. Awesome! Also, for a long time I thought that size mattered..a lot. I have totally changed my mind. Some guys just know how to use what they got.

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16 Mike Masters April 1, 2010 at 9:52 am

This post really jumped into my head after I read the by Levine demanding a certain dick size. I thought this was a little ridiculous since she is bound to be disappointed literally 95% of the time.

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17 JM March 31, 2010 at 9:41 am

I like all your indicators for carrying a babies arm holding an apple. Really funny. Great read.
.-= JM´s last blog ..How My Girlfriend And I Started Dating =-.

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18 Mike Masters April 1, 2010 at 9:57 am

Glad you enjoyed it JM

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19 jackie March 31, 2010 at 9:43 am

a telltale sign you might have a larger than normal sized member: your nickname in bed is: ‘ow, CERVIX!!!’

uh ya. sorry about that hon.
jfb

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20 Mike Masters April 1, 2010 at 9:58 am

This is why I know intimately what an IUD feels like

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21 Jersey B March 31, 2010 at 10:36 am

Interesting. I think I read somewhere that like 90% of guys fall within a very narrow range – about 5 1/2 – 6 1/2 inches. So how do girls are into “huge” guys find them, if at all? I’ve also heard some women claim that they would only date a guy with a huge penis, but doesn’t this mean you really have to see quite a few to weed out the overwhelming majority of the rest of them? Or are some women just not very good at estimating a guy’s size just by looking at it/feeling it? I’ve got a feeling that most of the guys women think are 8 inches are really 6 1/2 or 7 but rigid, and that most of the guys women think are 4 inches are like 5 (and not so rigid).

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22 Mike Masters April 1, 2010 at 10:02 am

Totally agree that most women really have no idea how large a guy “really” is. After all who is telling them the dimensions in the first place! I seriously doubt they are double checking with a ruler what a guy tells them, not to mention that the guy is undoubtedly going to exaggerate. For example I am only 9” but I often tell people I am 10”
Your comment also made me think that if these uber hung guys are in such demand they should really create on online site just for them. This will allow them to sleep with as many women as possible without having to be in a relationship.

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23 Miss Alpha March 31, 2010 at 10:49 am

Height means nothing but the nose thing has been spot-on for me… more so speaking in proportions than measurable size. I’ve always been a fan of straight, Roman noses. ::awkward pause::

Mostly, you can tell if a guy is big or small… by how he acts. Men who are confident with their size and prowess don’t feel the need to impress anyone. Yet another reason confidence is sexy!

Great post. Especially the part about “Why… is your vagina small?” Turnabout is fair play after all. Kegel exercises anyone?
.-= Miss Alpha´s last blog ..Third Date Dishes – Pizza with Homemade Dough =-.

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24 Mike Masters April 1, 2010 at 10:03 am

Glad you liked the post, I don’t agree with the nose thing since I have a pretty big one. ☺

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25 d June 5, 2013 at 9:56 pm

again, seriously mike. we got it, you’re hung. and therefore you are worthy of our praise. we will bow and worship you like the god you are.

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26 Mike Masters June 10, 2013 at 10:42 pm

Idiot.

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27 Elissa March 31, 2010 at 11:02 am

I really don’t care about the size as long as they know what they are doing. I slept with a guy whose at least 7-8 inches and thick, and he has no fucking idea what he’s doing in bed. He basically thinks because he’s well-endowed he doesn’t have to do anything else.(The foreplay-if you can call it that- is awful) So clearly the sex isn’t that great for me.

On the other hand i was with a guy that normal about 6 and the sex was amazing, because he know whats he’s doing. Plus i don’t feel like i’m choking on his dick when i’m giving a BJ.

Wow, that may be the crudest language i’ve ever used.
.-= Elissa´s last blog ..Confession: I Wanna Be Sedated =-.

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28 Mike Masters April 1, 2010 at 10:03 am

You are dirty little whore Elissa but I promise not to tell anyone.

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29 Elissa April 1, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Why do people keep calling me that?

I swear i haven’t slept with that many people!
.-= Elissa´s last blog ..I’m Gonna Die! =-.

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30 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:59 pm

Cool, where do you live and what is your number?

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31 Rachel March 31, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Had a blast reading your post Mike! I was in class what caused me problems. First of all I was not in the last roll so possibly the guy behind me also read your post. As I couldn’t laugh I had an awkward smile in my face. Than I needed to google some inch/centimeters conversion tool…as I didn’t want to guess about something so important… you have international readers my friend! So my conclusion is: “More important than having a big, average or small size is what you can or cannot do with it”. You need to know how to use it well!

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32 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Sorry about that, next time i will include a calculator. :)

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33 Lifebeginsat30ty March 31, 2010 at 2:43 pm

When you said you were going to talk about penises, I didn’t think you meant literally! Bwahahaha.

Seriously, I want to see a penis wheeze. The visual! Ahahaha. Oh, wearing a turtleneck and wheezing :D

Okay, to the question. I guess I’ve only met the ‘normal’ ones. Although this girlfriend has a story about a Chip N Dales in Windsor. A point for the Canadians. I’m on the knowing how to use it bandwagon myself.

Now how does width fit into this? Once met a very long pencil, but couldn’t assess correctly because of ‘too much beer’. He.
.-= Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..After-hours, or Fucktard Date 2, part III =-.

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34 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Glad you laughed at that, it always surprises me who laughs at what.

Sorry to hear about the pencil penis, always was a little curious as to what problems being to thin would create.

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35 Man-shopper March 31, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Ferociously funny, Mike! Now I know that I shouldn’t be drinking any beverages while reading your blog. I managed to dribble water down my shirt because I was giggling so much. You and your damn chuckle-factory of a blog post were to blame for why I was sporting the wet t-shirt look at the office.

- I think the winning line was the one that made me think about a baby with a vienna sausage wiener and pistachio testicles. Methinks a cartoon character is in order here…
- Organized sock drawer? I had no idea! What’s the connection? (I color-code everything in my closet, but then again, I’m a slightly unhinged female.)
- Moobs… I gotta ask. Lay some physiological truthiness on me, sir!
- HAHAHA women with small hands. On the other hand (pun definitely intended), what’s your take on women with large hands?
- the last two indicators, swinging one arm while walking and dripping on the toilet seat… The images that came to mind SLEW me. I had to go to dinner with hiccups because I choked on the little bit of water that WASN’T on my shirt.

P.S. Dating Diva, your telltale signs of a bomb in the boudoir… phenomenal.
.-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Ms. Brazen Hussy =-.

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36 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Damn, that is hot…
I hope when I meet you for the first time these conditions will be present.

Once again so surprised at what different people laugh at. Thank you so much for the feedback.

I wonder what color coding your closet would indicate?

Moobs, the higher a mans body fat the faster he converts testosterone to estrogen. I this is the case with a young man, his hormones will focus a little more on breast tissue development that penile development.

Large hands, attracts men with big balls.

:) the toilet seat one was from complaints of an old roomy, didn’t know I was doing it. And the arm swinging? no idea…

Love you here Helene

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37 AV March 31, 2010 at 3:39 pm

1. Talks about sex, constantly (well, duh, he’s with me)
2. Still wears tighty whities (hot! Boxers hide the package.)
3. Organizes his sock drawer (OCD! Just like me — I organize my lingerie in accordance with the visible light spectrum)
4. Shaves all his pubic hair (manscaping is trending. I love hair — he better not touch his chest hair if he has any or I’ll kill him)
5. Has moobs, the larger they are, the smaller his junk (ew)
6. Obsessed with anal sex (well, duh, he’s with me)
7. Likes women with small hands (I do, too, they’re so dainty and perfectly feminine. But he’ll learn to love my epic, basketball-palming hands. I can squeeze cum from a stone… or so I’m told. Which I’m pretty sure is code for, “baby, your mouth might be too small for my monster cock.”)
.-= AV´s last blog ..Data Meets Self-Obsession, An App Is Born =-.

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38 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:47 pm

Manscaping! hahaha, that is awesome…
Cum from a stone
AV you are probably the only girl I know that can make me blush.

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39 girltrueheart March 31, 2010 at 4:28 pm

I’ve dated some incredibly Italian men with some incredibly Italian schnozols on their faces…I can honestly say that the nose is not a good indicator for me. But more importantly, I didn’t care as much as what they could do with what they had.

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40 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Schnozols! can I borrow that?

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41 Heather April 19, 2011 at 8:59 am

Indeed, Italians are the only Europeans I’ll date, and you are absolutely correct, GTH: the nose lies sometimes.

Hint: examine the length, thickness and beauty of the ring finger. If it’s well-knuckled, supple, equal proportion long and thick, and well-shaped, and especially if the skin is smooth and somewhat moist, you have a keeper ;)

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42 Patrizia April 1, 2010 at 4:38 am

Let me get this straight…why can man prefer boobs size, bur women can’t choose a man by the size of their package? I always look! Much to the dismay of my American friends..my eyes become this involuntary muscles that travels south every time i talk to a guy. Blame it on my upbringing. Having been born and raised on an Italian beach resort I spend most of my adult life looking at man in their speedo strutting around their package. It’s impossible not to notice.
Granted these poor fellas are forced to look at women that are missing the top piece of their bathing suite ALL DAY LONG. It’s a hardship, I am sure! Nevertheless when I moved to the States in my late twenties,the fact that guys wore those very large swimming trunks that reveal nothing was a trauma for me. I was in mourning for a very long time, I tell you that for sure! The moral of the story is… wear mirror sunglasses and keep on looking. And thanks God for skinny jeans!

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43 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:57 pm

I will put on my skinny jeans asap

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44 Heather April 19, 2011 at 9:03 am

Absolutely, Patrizia: men judge our bodies all the time. This is the one category where we can return the favor. I won’t waste a moment’s time with anything less than 8 inches. When it comes down to it, why should you really, ladies?

What astounds me are these women who will put up with being ordered around and other miserable thuggish behavior from men who are less than 6 inches long.

Talk about being preconditioned. Society has us quite well-trained. NO woman should settle EVER for less than 8 inches. It’s nature’s way of letting you know his genes should continue. It’s just as good and healthy as men looking at our waistlines, boobs, butts and shiny hair and teeth. You have the right to attractive genes in your bedroom, too. Nature sez. LET NO MAN DECEIVE YOU ON THIS.

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45 Something She Dated April 1, 2010 at 9:20 am

So just to double check then…you never ask a chick her bra size? (I’m pretty new to your blog so don’t hold it against me for asking) I only mention it because I get asked ALL THE TIME…no bear in mind it’s usually from guys on POF (don’t judge lol in vancouver, there are many good dating sites lol!) and I figure it’s akin to asking about penis size…though essentially it’s even stupider since at least they get to see the package wrapping clearly defined :P Great blog!
.-= Something She Dated´s last blog ..TEDanese 101: Chapter One — Introduction and Origins =-.

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46 Mike Masters April 2, 2010 at 5:59 pm

I would never ask a girl her bra size, I wouldn’t need to.

but good point, I think if more men would wear a cup day to day we could start a trend?

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47 Skye Blue April 4, 2010 at 3:39 am

“Drips on the toilet seat (when he sits down, it face plants on the ring)” – Classic.

My two cents – Not sure why women are so hung up on the size thing, as most of us don’t have vaginal columns that could handle 7+” anyway (though I was once told by another black woman complaining about all the ‘brothers’ who choose to date interracially, that our vaginas are longer to accomodate black men. hooray for me I guess?). I don’t know about most women, but I sure don’t want anyone’s junk banging my nose bone.

Also, if he’s super girthy, unless you’re vag is as wide as the bat cave or you like the feeling of being stretched a whole lot (apparently some women do), it really isn’t fun. Besides when it comes to a woman’s enjoyment doesn’t her partner’s skill and attitude towards sex matter more than what he’s packing in his pants?
.-= Skye Blue´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.

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48 Aplus September 22, 2010 at 11:34 pm

Wow. talk about a distraction, are these people for real.

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49 Heather April 19, 2011 at 8:54 am

Mike, I’m new to your blog, and as a female size queen, I have to tell you, THIS:

>>5. Loves BIG women (not threatened by scale)

Is spot-on.

And now you know why black women such as myself largely don’t waste any time with white men. You guys are so hung up on women being size 000 with the streamlined bodies of aerodesigned jets, it tells black and Latina women exactly what we need to know. According to many white guys who have wanted me, and failed, the above statement kind of solves a very long raciosexual mystery.

No offense, and no racism. It’s just that your cultural micromanagement of white women’s bodies and their sizes TELEGRAPHS CLEAR INFORMATION TO THE WISE. True post. Size does matter.

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50 Mike July 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Funny ending. I think that chart is now extinct with the number of penis enlargement surgeries going on in the world. I guess that will mean more work for vaginal rejuvenation doctors after those prostetics start super streching the meat curtains!! haha

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51 eric August 10, 2012 at 11:37 am

Nice, I’m in the 1 to 2 % or maybe even .05% being bigger than 7

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