Big noses, long hoses – how to spot a keeper

53 Responses to “Big noses, long hoses – how to spot a keeper”


  1. Dating Diva says:

    Bwahahahahahahahaha! Oh good Lord! And you are right, I am super crazy in love with someone who is not the size of a yardstick. Go figure.
    .-= Dating Diva´s last blog ..The Lost Art of Communication…Has Been Found! =-.

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  2. lisa says:

    Had to read this one twice because I laughed so hard. 😉 I don’t even know what to say now!

    I think 8″ is my personal penis maximus size, but the guy’s gotta have some girth, too, if he’s under 8″. And NO, I do not have a big vagina; it just feels reeeally good when you’re, um, fulfilled.
    .-= lisa´s last blog ..blegh. =-.

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    • -NN- says:

      I agree – GIRTH is more important that length.

      I don’t want a spagetti with meatballs – it needs to be a close (or over) 2 inch diameter sausage – but 6 inch length is enough.

      When I meet a man I look at the fingers – that is easy. There was this study which said same gene in boys is activated when penis is develops and fingers do. It is not fool proof, but I don’t risk anyone whose hand is same size as mine – he is supposed to be a MAN, I’m not bi enough to live with foreplay.

      The only shrimp that I have met was my first lover, had tiny fingers – and he said he loved foreplay – it was the only thing I got from him, since he was so small that I couldn’t feel him inside when he penetrated.
      I should have known, since when I gave him oral, I could get it inside my mouth – totally. But I was a virgin..
      (That’s why some men love virgins.. no comparison)

      I often wondered that can I count that as a loss of virginity, since the miniscule thing left no memory. =D

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    • Mike Masters says:

      Lisa so happy to make you laugh. That is the goal!
      Also quite happy to hear about your penis size preference… Makes me feel more confident when we meet.

  3. nandoism says:

    Awesome post–but I think for Gay men it’s different–go figure. You made me laugh out loud–but it’s sad that people in general will make such harsh statements like that and cast off meeting really great people because in the end–how much will you be using that penis? (And I say that for any ONE characteristic people are hung up on) I had a guy tell me he doesn’t date guys with facial hair. Wow, okay, really? I replied, good–because I don’t date guys who highlights his hair, who are you Lance Bass?
    .-= nandoism´s last blog ..Our First Argument:The Lesson Learned =-.

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  4. Zoe says:

    Oh gosh, my employers better not find this one.

    OK, here’s the thing about penis size: I’ve dated a good portion of men, all range of sizes. NEVER had a problem with “too small” (of course, “too small” meant about 4-5 inches at its best) but ALWAYS had a problem with “too big” (8-9+ inches, if you believe me). Maybe it’s just the way I’M built, but there you go, Mike, that’s my two cents.

    This post distracted me enough during a lecture (yes, I’m in class) that I had to post a comment immediately. Thanks for the laugh. :)
    .-= Zoe´s last blog ..Out of office reply: Spring break =-.

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  5. singlegirlie says:

    LOL, very cute post. Wait, am I allowed to call it “cute” or does that make it seem small? 😉

    I would like to say that not all women think this way. Some women like big dicks, some women like medium dicks and some women like small dicks (yes, it’s true). Some women don’t really care. Everyone’s preference is different. So guys, don’t get too hung up on it (haha, I said “hung”). You just need to find the right peen-vag match.
    .-= singlegirlie´s last blog ..Friday Night with Fred: I Never Promised You a BJ =-.

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  6. Love, love, loved this post! Hilarious! Being a Peni connoisseur myself I can relate to your friend the Dating Diva. I don’t, however, use that as my only prerequisite to dating a guy. It’s a preference, sure, just as some men prefer petit women or blonde hair but not the only thing when determining someone’s bedroom prowess. Thanks for the laugh and I’m sure I could add a few things to your lists 😉
    .-= MissMelisaMae´s last blog ..The Fireman (Part 3) =-.

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  7. Nicole says:

    That. Was. Awesome! Also, for a long time I thought that size mattered..a lot. I have totally changed my mind. Some guys just know how to use what they got.

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    • Mike Masters says:

      This post really jumped into my head after I read the by Levine demanding a certain dick size. I thought this was a little ridiculous since she is bound to be disappointed literally 95% of the time.

  8. JM says:

    I like all your indicators for carrying a babies arm holding an apple. Really funny. Great read.
    .-= JM´s last blog ..How My Girlfriend And I Started Dating =-.

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  9. jackie says:

    a telltale sign you might have a larger than normal sized member: your nickname in bed is: ‘ow, CERVIX!!!’

    uh ya. sorry about that hon.

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  10. Jersey B says:

    Interesting. I think I read somewhere that like 90% of guys fall within a very narrow range – about 5 1/2 – 6 1/2 inches. So how do girls are into “huge” guys find them, if at all? I’ve also heard some women claim that they would only date a guy with a huge penis, but doesn’t this mean you really have to see quite a few to weed out the overwhelming majority of the rest of them? Or are some women just not very good at estimating a guy’s size just by looking at it/feeling it? I’ve got a feeling that most of the guys women think are 8 inches are really 6 1/2 or 7 but rigid, and that most of the guys women think are 4 inches are like 5 (and not so rigid).

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    • Mike Masters says:

      Totally agree that most women really have no idea how large a guy “really” is. After all who is telling them the dimensions in the first place! I seriously doubt they are double checking with a ruler what a guy tells them, not to mention that the guy is undoubtedly going to exaggerate. For example I am only 9” but I often tell people I am 10”
      Your comment also made me think that if these uber hung guys are in such demand they should really create on online site just for them. This will allow them to sleep with as many women as possible without having to be in a relationship.

  11. Miss Alpha says:

    Height means nothing but the nose thing has been spot-on for me… more so speaking in proportions than measurable size. I’ve always been a fan of straight, Roman noses. ::awkward pause::

    Mostly, you can tell if a guy is big or small… by how he acts. Men who are confident with their size and prowess don’t feel the need to impress anyone. Yet another reason confidence is sexy!

    Great post. Especially the part about “Why… is your vagina small?” Turnabout is fair play after all. Kegel exercises anyone?
    .-= Miss Alpha´s last blog ..Third Date Dishes – Pizza with Homemade Dough =-.

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  12. Elissa says:

    I really don’t care about the size as long as they know what they are doing. I slept with a guy whose at least 7-8 inches and thick, and he has no fucking idea what he’s doing in bed. He basically thinks because he’s well-endowed he doesn’t have to do anything else.(The foreplay-if you can call it that- is awful) So clearly the sex isn’t that great for me.

    On the other hand i was with a guy that normal about 6 and the sex was amazing, because he know whats he’s doing. Plus i don’t feel like i’m choking on his dick when i’m giving a BJ.

    Wow, that may be the crudest language i’ve ever used.
    .-= Elissa´s last blog ..Confession: I Wanna Be Sedated =-.

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  13. Rachel says:

    Had a blast reading your post Mike! I was in class what caused me problems. First of all I was not in the last roll so possibly the guy behind me also read your post. As I couldn’t laugh I had an awkward smile in my face. Than I needed to google some inch/centimeters conversion tool…as I didn’t want to guess about something so important… you have international readers my friend! So my conclusion is: “More important than having a big, average or small size is what you can or cannot do with it”. You need to know how to use it well!

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  14. When you said you were going to talk about penises, I didn’t think you meant literally! Bwahahaha.

    Seriously, I want to see a penis wheeze. The visual! Ahahaha. Oh, wearing a turtleneck and wheezing 😀

    Okay, to the question. I guess I’ve only met the ‘normal’ ones. Although this girlfriend has a story about a Chip N Dales in Windsor. A point for the Canadians. I’m on the knowing how to use it bandwagon myself.

    Now how does width fit into this? Once met a very long pencil, but couldn’t assess correctly because of ‘too much beer’. He.
    .-= Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..After-hours, or Fucktard Date 2, part III =-.

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    • Mike Masters says:

      Glad you laughed at that, it always surprises me who laughs at what.

      Sorry to hear about the pencil penis, always was a little curious as to what problems being to thin would create.

  15. Man-shopper says:

    Ferociously funny, Mike! Now I know that I shouldn’t be drinking any beverages while reading your blog. I managed to dribble water down my shirt because I was giggling so much. You and your damn chuckle-factory of a blog post were to blame for why I was sporting the wet t-shirt look at the office.

    – I think the winning line was the one that made me think about a baby with a vienna sausage wiener and pistachio testicles. Methinks a cartoon character is in order here…
    – Organized sock drawer? I had no idea! What’s the connection? (I color-code everything in my closet, but then again, I’m a slightly unhinged female.)
    – Moobs… I gotta ask. Lay some physiological truthiness on me, sir!
    – HAHAHA women with small hands. On the other hand (pun definitely intended), what’s your take on women with large hands?
    – the last two indicators, swinging one arm while walking and dripping on the toilet seat… The images that came to mind SLEW me. I had to go to dinner with hiccups because I choked on the little bit of water that WASN’T on my shirt.

    P.S. Dating Diva, your telltale signs of a bomb in the boudoir… phenomenal.
    .-= Man-shopper´s last blog ..Ms. Brazen Hussy =-.

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    • Mike Masters says:

      Damn, that is hot…
      I hope when I meet you for the first time these conditions will be present.

      Once again so surprised at what different people laugh at. Thank you so much for the feedback.

      I wonder what color coding your closet would indicate?

      Moobs, the higher a mans body fat the faster he converts testosterone to estrogen. I this is the case with a young man, his hormones will focus a little more on breast tissue development that penile development.

      Large hands, attracts men with big balls.

      :) the toilet seat one was from complaints of an old roomy, didn’t know I was doing it. And the arm swinging? no idea…

      Love you here Helene

  16. AV says:

    1. Talks about sex, constantly (well, duh, he’s with me)
    2. Still wears tighty whities (hot! Boxers hide the package.)
    3. Organizes his sock drawer (OCD! Just like me — I organize my lingerie in accordance with the visible light spectrum)
    4. Shaves all his pubic hair (manscaping is trending. I love hair — he better not touch his chest hair if he has any or I’ll kill him)
    5. Has moobs, the larger they are, the smaller his junk (ew)
    6. Obsessed with anal sex (well, duh, he’s with me)
    7. Likes women with small hands (I do, too, they’re so dainty and perfectly feminine. But he’ll learn to love my epic, basketball-palming hands. I can squeeze cum from a stone… or so I’m told. Which I’m pretty sure is code for, “baby, your mouth might be too small for my monster cock.”)
    .-= AV´s last blog ..Data Meets Self-Obsession, An App Is Born =-.

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  17. I’ve dated some incredibly Italian men with some incredibly Italian schnozols on their faces…I can honestly say that the nose is not a good indicator for me. But more importantly, I didn’t care as much as what they could do with what they had.

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    • Mike Masters says:

      Schnozols! can I borrow that?

    • Heather says:

      Indeed, Italians are the only Europeans I’ll date, and you are absolutely correct, GTH: the nose lies sometimes.

      Hint: examine the length, thickness and beauty of the ring finger. If it’s well-knuckled, supple, equal proportion long and thick, and well-shaped, and especially if the skin is smooth and somewhat moist, you have a keeper 😉

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  18. Patrizia says:

    Let me get this straight…why can man prefer boobs size, bur women can’t choose a man by the size of their package? I always look! Much to the dismay of my American eyes become this involuntary muscles that travels south every time i talk to a guy. Blame it on my upbringing. Having been born and raised on an Italian beach resort I spend most of my adult life looking at man in their speedo strutting around their package. It’s impossible not to notice.
    Granted these poor fellas are forced to look at women that are missing the top piece of their bathing suite ALL DAY LONG. It’s a hardship, I am sure! Nevertheless when I moved to the States in my late twenties,the fact that guys wore those very large swimming trunks that reveal nothing was a trauma for me. I was in mourning for a very long time, I tell you that for sure! The moral of the story is… wear mirror sunglasses and keep on looking. And thanks God for skinny jeans!

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    • Mike Masters says:

      I will put on my skinny jeans asap

    • Heather says:

      Absolutely, Patrizia: men judge our bodies all the time. This is the one category where we can return the favor. I won’t waste a moment’s time with anything less than 8 inches. When it comes down to it, why should you really, ladies?

      What astounds me are these women who will put up with being ordered around and other miserable thuggish behavior from men who are less than 6 inches long.

      Talk about being preconditioned. Society has us quite well-trained. NO woman should settle EVER for less than 8 inches. It’s nature’s way of letting you know his genes should continue. It’s just as good and healthy as men looking at our waistlines, boobs, butts and shiny hair and teeth. You have the right to attractive genes in your bedroom, too. Nature sez. LET NO MAN DECEIVE YOU ON THIS.

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  19. So just to double check then…you never ask a chick her bra size? (I’m pretty new to your blog so don’t hold it against me for asking) I only mention it because I get asked ALL THE TIME…no bear in mind it’s usually from guys on POF (don’t judge lol in vancouver, there are many good dating sites lol!) and I figure it’s akin to asking about penis size…though essentially it’s even stupider since at least they get to see the package wrapping clearly defined 😛 Great blog!
    .-= Something She Dated´s last blog ..TEDanese 101: Chapter One — Introduction and Origins =-.

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  20. Skye Blue says:

    “Drips on the toilet seat (when he sits down, it face plants on the ring)” – Classic.

    My two cents – Not sure why women are so hung up on the size thing, as most of us don’t have vaginal columns that could handle 7+” anyway (though I was once told by another black woman complaining about all the ‘brothers’ who choose to date interracially, that our vaginas are longer to accomodate black men. hooray for me I guess?). I don’t know about most women, but I sure don’t want anyone’s junk banging my nose bone.

    Also, if he’s super girthy, unless you’re vag is as wide as the bat cave or you like the feeling of being stretched a whole lot (apparently some women do), it really isn’t fun. Besides when it comes to a woman’s enjoyment doesn’t her partner’s skill and attitude towards sex matter more than what he’s packing in his pants?
    .-= Skye Blue´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.

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  21. Aplus says:

    Wow. talk about a distraction, are these people for real.

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  22. Heather says:

    Mike, I’m new to your blog, and as a female size queen, I have to tell you, THIS:

    >>5. Loves BIG women (not threatened by scale)

    Is spot-on.

    And now you know why black women such as myself largely don’t waste any time with white men. You guys are so hung up on women being size 000 with the streamlined bodies of aerodesigned jets, it tells black and Latina women exactly what we need to know. According to many white guys who have wanted me, and failed, the above statement kind of solves a very long raciosexual mystery.

    No offense, and no racism. It’s just that your cultural micromanagement of white women’s bodies and their sizes TELEGRAPHS CLEAR INFORMATION TO THE WISE. True post. Size does matter.

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  23. Mike says:

    Funny ending. I think that chart is now extinct with the number of penis enlargement surgeries going on in the world. I guess that will mean more work for vaginal rejuvenation doctors after those prostetics start super streching the meat curtains!! haha

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  24. eric says:

    Nice, I’m in the 1 to 2 % or maybe even .05% being bigger than 7

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  25. TheVth says:

    …No one seems to have commented about being flipped off by the chart? I found it quite amusing considering the topic and creativity of it, but maybe the chart was real after all?

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  1. […] I’ve been thinking about this a lot, ever since I read this post back in March by Mike the Master Dater (whoever he is):–-how-to-spot-a-keeper/ […]

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