How to spot a small penis
“Jesus!? How should I know!?” I said with a squeak on the word Jesus. I have been bombarded with about every dating question you can imagine but this one had me at a loss. What threw me even more was the fact that she was SO determined to glean the answer. “You aren’t bi, seriously?” there was silence on the phone while my face contorted into something similar to porky pig about to sneeze.
What the hell?
Recently I was reading an interesting article on Datedaily by a Ashley Levine titled Penis size matters The author demands a certain sized penis, and she goes as far to not date/sleep with men that are not endowed to her requirements. Since she doesn’t like to waste time she will out right ask a man his dimensions. This made me laugh and think of my friend Dating Diva at Tales from an Internet Dater
“I couldn’t tell, I looked, but it is so hard to judge!” I laughed again, listening to DD explain how she expertly assessed her dates penis size visually. I imagine her pointing to something across the room and saying, “What the hell is that!” The second he looks, she turns her intensity to his crotch, attempting to peel back the layers of his denim with pure will power.
“I don’t want to waste time. I know what I like and if he doesn’t make the grade why should I bother?” At some point during the date, I ask him a couple of questions about sex and I usually get a clue as to whether or not he’s packin’. Here are some signs from Dating Diva’s post “that might mean he is bad in bed” OR what she really meant to say, “5 signs to tell if he has a small penis.”
1. “I REALLY love foreplay.” That is code for-that’s all I can really do because my small penis just won’t cut it and I don’t want you to be disappointed.
2. “My last girlfriend told me I was the biggest she ever had.” That week? That month? Ask her to be more specific.
3. “I only like to do it from behind.” Here he is really saying, ‘so that you don’t notice my unusually small package.’
4. “Size doesn’t really matter, right?” This is code for, I’m just trying to see if you’ll sleep with a guy who is the size of your pinky.
5. “No one has ever complained about my size before.” Right, no one has ever complained TO YOUR FACE.
“Do you have a big penis?” she asked me, since this is such a ludicrous question I answered with the opposite. “No… I am like a baby, cocktail wieners frustrate me with their girth and even my nuts are tiny, like two little pistachios.” When my friend Jack is asked this question he responds, “Why, do you have a big vagina?” Both of us feel that this is a very inappropriate question, just screaming to not be answered.
But wait, seriously, I think this is very important to address…
Here are some indicators that his penis size might be about the size of a blistered pinky.
1. Talks about sex, constantly (this could be mistaken for him being male)
2. Still wears tighty whities (constricts growth)
3. Organizes his sock drawer
4. Shaves all his pubic hair (hey, it looks a little bigger)
5. Has moobs, the larger they are, the smaller his junk (this actually has physiological truth)
6. Obsessed with anal sex (do I really need to explain this?)
7. Likes women with small hands
Indicator’s that he is he is carrying a baby’s arm holding an apple:
1. Constant adjustment (this is based off the fear of accidentally sitting on it)
2. Has a porn collection – of himself
3. There is a soft slapping sound when he walks (could also be very large testicles)
4. Outrageously arrogant (often coupled with premature ejaculation)
5. Loves BIG women (not threatened by scale)
6. Swings one arm when walking (this is a counter balance, like a cat’s tail)
7. Drips on the toilet seat (when he sits down, it face plants on the ring)
Now I will admit, I have had times when I felt rather massive and proud of my Shaku Hachi (Japanese for 8 holed flute) This occurred when I first bought condoms in Japan. The first one I tore, and the second I shot across the room hitting the girl in the forehead, “Jesus, don’t you know how to put a condom on?” I looked at her a bit stunned, “Okay Jenna Jameson, you fucking do it,” There was an awkward silence in which I realized Australian’s had different porn icons. She took charge and was very determined, when she finally got it on I felt like I was wearing a 5 year-olds turtle neck, with a belt cinched to the breaking point. When my penis actually started wheezing it pretty much killed the mood.
If you religiously follow my above indicators you will most certainly find that 1-2% of the population over 7 inches. Did you get that? 1-2% Seriously, it is that rare… I was a bit surprised myself considering how much I swing one arm. This is a fish you will only land one in 50 men, is that really worth it to keep such a fierce look out?
My friend Dating Diva is finally seeing someone that she is crazy about. Does he have the goods to please her? Absolutely, is he hung? No, he falls into the same category as over 50% of all men in the United States. Is he a good lover? From what she says, he is wonderful. Does she wish he were bigger? Absolutely, she is shallow just like me and you.