Are my dreams worth it?
Valentines day sucks
I hate this day, every year it hammers my emotions, reminding me of all the wonderful people I have lost. I woke up twice this morning, sleeping through my alarm, desperate to recapture the dream of my ex. The dream was vividly painful, she had a family and it wasn’t with me. I was with her, I could hold her, but only a slight vestige of the person she used to be still cared. I woke up in tears and the reality if the dream lingered all day.
Relationship suicide
Somehow I made it to age 36 without being married and I ask myself, “Am I broken?” I had always envisioned being married by age 28 and having a family by 30. I wanted the cliche 30 something lifestyle, with the SUV, the JOB and a huge home mortgage. Somehow things didn’t pan out this way. I now distrust that cliche life and am circling like a dog on his favorite mat, trying to find the exact spot of comfort, direction but It isn’t there, it isn’t clear. What is clear is that relationship is not appropriate at the moment and my dreams are. It is incredibly frustrating to not be able to lay down in comfort, curled up on the floor. I accept that this is my journey even though it pains me there is no one to travel with me.
Not my Journey
For a many people, part of their journey is finding that one amazing person and creating more amazing little people. Sometimes, my sleeping dreams take me down that path and I wake with a hangover of sadness, but that is not my journey, not my passion. Now, every relationship I enter I can’t help but feel a fraud, half man that can never give everything. I probably sabotage many of the wonderful relationships out of my drive for exploration, to find what is missing. I have been happy with someone many times, flirting with the idea that maybe this is it; until the incessant current of my dreams rips away my emotions. Sometimes I hate them, but they are my reason for living.
So, here is to that other life. To the tears of happiness I shed over the child I may never have. Here is to the wonderful woman I left now creating her new life. Here is to the dreams that I pray are worth it.
Happy valentines day, I hope you have found someone to love this year.
P.S. I despise Valentines day but if you want to send me chocolate I wont say no!
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Here is to making your relationship your friendships, your journey, your family and the passions that make up your life. You are loved.
J
Jillian´s last blog ..Living in a Snow Globe
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Thank You J
Hope you and your sexy hair have a good VD day.
Wow Mike, I think this is my favorite post of yours because it is so honest and heart-felt. First of all, sucky to you for letting a created holiday for letting it make you feel shitty about your life choices. Speaking as someone who got married when they were 24, had the house with the 2-car garage, etc and is now divorced at 31: it is not worth it unless it is with the right person.
But the question of children is a tricky matter. When i did decide to get divorced, it was really at the time when it was stay and have a kid or leave and set that choice off for a while. I think it’s a much more time-limited issue for women. A woman at 36 is an entirely different thing than a man. I have a friend though that got to 36 and wasn’t any closer to finding Mr. Right, so went down to the sperm bank and now has a beautiful daughter. I thought it was the most courageous thing I’d ever seen. That’s my plan B
So my message is: you can always impregnate someone, you can play house with someone but if it’s not with the right person or you have to give up your dreams to do it, then what’s the point?
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Mr. Fish Strikes Again
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Wow… That sperm bank story is interesting. I have actually thought about getting some of my boys frozen and getting a vasectomy. (seriously)
Glad you enjoyed the post. I really came from a heart felt place. I was in tears the whole post and it isn’t well edited because I didn’t want to read it again and again.
I know I am making the right choice but often that choice is painful.
I was in the grocery store this morning and the back ground music of course was one love song after the other. I felt some sadness as well and a few tears welled in my eyes, not for love I have lost, but for love that I have not yet found. While listening to these songs though, I also felt hope. It’s a journey and at the young age of 36, yours has just begun.
I have 10 years on you, still single as well, but so much better prepared for when love does finally find me.
Robin´s last blog ..From my heart to yours
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
You sound like a smart, wonderful guy, and I’m confident that you’ll find someone fabulous at some point — as you know, you just have to be patient.
And if you still want kids: as a 36-year-old guy, you still have plenty of time.
I’m 40 and single, and would really like to meet someone special. But I also realize that there’s so much more to life than just being part of a couple, so until that happens, I’m living the best life possible: enjoying times with wonderful friends, traveling, and just living it up.
Sure, I get dismayed by the dating process at times — you just have to stay positive.
Loverville´s last blog ..Date #156… and an apology.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
I despise this stupid day too Mike(somehow I knew you would which is why I am here on the day seeing what your saying)… and I too thought everything would have fallen into place by 30… (especially since I am so pleasant to look at and so much fun to be around)…so know that you are not alone… I rarely publicize my age as I actually look 10-12 years younger but since you guys can’t actually see me, I will loudly say that I am 38 and I too have never been married… I would think it was me but I KNOW that I have yet to meet someone that I would consider worthy of even saying that I would be committed to them for the rest of my life… that’s a long time (I hope), and I want to at least feel that we are compatible… the thing is that being a self-help junkie, I am constantly growing as a human being and unless I am with someone who is the same kind of junkie… I usually out-grow the person and then we are no longer compatible… I could quit learning but then I would be miserable… I have actually gotten use to the idea of being single (I refuse to settle for less than what I want)… now if only I could bring myself to engage in casual sex…
Let me just add, you said, “my drive for exploration, to find what is missing”
Have you considered the idea that nothing is actually missing? I use to feel exaclty the same way until I decided, whatever the f*ck is missing is just going to be missing because I am tired of picking myself apart… I am still a self help freak(I just love information-I’m probably more of a info-junkie), but after 2 years of purely accepting myself, flaws and all, I now, for the first time since a child, feel like a WHOLE person…
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Excellent comment!
It sounds like we are very similar, I am also a self help junkie and I understand very well the concept of “happiness is not a destination”
With that said I am not really looking for something to complete me but I am suffering the delightful consequences of following a different path. Sometimes this is wonderful and I love the challenge but at other times I feel and acute pain that another life would have given me.
Do I truly regret leaving this wonderful woman? No, I had to. I am okay with that and happy with it. Only in times of weakness do I look back and say, “what if?”
I am on the right path and it sounds like you are as well. It sometimes is a lonely path because radically changing your life and growing exponentially leaves you somewhat lonely in a sea of TV addicts, going through the dull-drums of life in an effort to ignore the passions they are too fearful to follow.
I know when I come out the other side of the current water slide I am on I will be ready for something else. At the moment though, very few people are on this ride and therefore are not really compatible with me. (or you)
This is a road of self improvement, discovery and passion. I love the road I am on but things like Valentines day, remind me of what I have given up. It stings but I would have it no other way.
We are definitely similar because I love this HARD ass road too, and I definitely wouldn’t have it any other way because I REFUSE to have ANY regrets at the end of this life… if I am ever in Cali I’m gonna look you up… I never met anyone that reminded me of myself before.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
and yes, YOUR DREAMS ARE TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!!!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Hey Mike, very touching post. You should follow your dreams, and I hope they all come true! You deserve to get everything you want out of life. Just be thankful you’re not a girl, and still have as much time as you want to decide to settle down and have a family if that remains part of your plan
Good luck!
PrincessT´s last blog ..Friends with Benefits
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Just an anecdote, but maybe a glimpse of the future too.
My mother never gave up on love and family. She got married FOUR freaking times! Her last marriage was when she was 60 and he was 59, he never had children. She died, very suddenly, five years later and was still silly in love with #4. After her funeral, I was walking with my step-father and he said “Oh my God, I’ve become a single father at 64!” I always thought he was a pretty good guy, but right then, I loved him to pieces and haven’t stopped.
Maybe we give up our dreams, and maybe we just give them up for a while. He would have been a terrible father to me as a little girl (yeah, I’m positive on this) but he is a perfect one for me now. He came along when he did, equipped to have a family…it was a LOT later than he intended, but there we are, his family.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0