Comments on: Are you responsible for him treating you bad?

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 07 May 2009 20:20:57 +0000

@RTM (to borrow from Jillian). Yes, now if only I could convince my classes of college students of that little fact re: “thinking”–thinking and responsibility seem to be foreign concepts to them…

And I had some of the same experience with my own husband that you’ve described for yours–he took a few years to train up right, but now I couldn’t imagine a better partner. (sorry Mike )

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By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 07 May 2009 20:13:26 +0000

@Mike–You sure that’s not the other way around?

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By: roadtripmama

roadtripmama — Thu, 07 May 2009 19:52:52 +0000

Maybe I am just old and tarnished from my generation. Mike, you seem a lot more thoughtful than the guys that I grew up with and the ones my daughter seems to pick to date – My perspective is different – My husband has gone from ultimately very selfish, irresponsible and unaware of how he feels to being a really great partner…and I had almost given up! So, people can change if they want. Sarah…you were right on the money when you said responsibility requires “thinking”!

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By: Jillian

Jillian — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:24:30 +0000

You think everyone has the hots for you. Snot.

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By: Mike Masters

Mike Masters — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:23:17 +0000

Totally agree Sarah and I am glad you know me well enough to infer my intentions. It was a good lesson though, I know now to be a little more cautious with how I address my audience!
I agree with the selfishness and I might write a post on it? maybe…
(BTW Sarah and I went to high school together and I think she still has the hots for me…)

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By: Sha

Sha — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:32:45 +0000

Well said Sarah!

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By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:13:04 +0000

Oh and re: selfishness. I think it’s actually *hard* to be selfish if you take responsibility for your own actions. Responsibility requires that you think about how what you do affects others, which per force, means you have to think about others. That said, there’s still some selfishness involved in that you’re aiming to get what you feel you deserve and want out of a relationship, so at the end of the day, there’s still some “it’s all about me” involved.

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By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:00:45 +0000

Congratulations on the new baby in your life! Maybe he or she will pull some more of that sweet domestic side out of you. Babies (even if not your own), gardens…what’s next?

I like this post–it shifts things to a more equal stance for both parties involved in relationships. A gripe I was going to pick with the previous post was that it sounded a bit like it emphasized what men expect from women and the advice came across as if you were suggesting that women shift to meet those expectations a bit. I doubt that’s what you meant, but it’s still how it read–to me anyway. But responsibility is gender neutral and if either party takes responsibility and the other doesn’t then you have yet another test for whether a relationship can work. If only one person takes responsibility for themselves, then the relationship is still pretty doomed. It’s when both sides take responsibility that things really start to happen in amazing ways that make you feel like you are lucky (though I take your point that there really isn’t luck–just energy that you draw to yourself).

So is it a niece or a nephew? For your sake, I wish for a niece. Baby girls have a way of wrapping selfish men around their little fingers in magical ways. And BTW, you aren’t really all that selfish–no more so than any of us are, anyway. This blog is proof of that….

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By: Jillian

Jillian — Thu, 07 May 2009 04:21:53 +0000

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By: Mike Masters

Mike Masters — Thu, 07 May 2009 03:53:05 +0000

Having a hard time interjecting here!
I got home for the hospital at 7 in the morning and pretty much slept the day away. I usually like to argue with analytical Jillian but I think I am going to agree with her. A lot of guys I know have really changed once a baby was brought into the world. I know that men do get a hit of oxytocin just like new mothers do but it does wear off a lot sooner! Is is possible that this is a generation gap? Men are a lot more involved than they ever used to be.

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By: Jillian

Jillian — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:45:21 +0000

RTM you are then, my dear. I think life experience and personal beliefs determine how people act regardless of gender. Granted, I generally look at things from the position of cognitive behavior. It’s not just men.

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By: roadtripmama

roadtripmama — Wed, 06 May 2009 23:53:05 +0000

Credit where credit is due Jillian (I like the RTM btw). Men do turn to mush with their kids…and single parents get ALL my respect – don’t know how anyone does it! It is the hardest thing in the world to do. But, single parents aside, men usually think with the wrong head….which is selfish! They can be trained tho. It’s a tedious process and they have to want to. My husband slips back into the behavior once in a while but sometimes, he even catches himself (maybe it’s “the look” I give him)and he pulls his head out.

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By: Jillian

Jillian — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:56:32 +0000

I don’t know, RTM. I’ve seen men turn to mush with their kids. Especially the single dads.

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By: roadtripmama

roadtripmama — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:40:21 +0000

Jillian – I have found that us moms- if we were selfish to begin with – become selfless when our kids are born. The men/dads, not so much. The majority of parents put their kids needs first, but they don’t get that they still need that selfless behavior with their spouse/significant other. And then those teenage years, most of the time, you have to actually revert to being selfish with your kids – with your time – or those lovely children take advantage…it’s all part of the cycle. Having a “maternal” instinct makes us less selfish in general – not to man bash – but guys really have to work on it! All the time. It just isn’t a natural thing for them. Sorry guys.

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By: Jillian

Jillian — Wed, 06 May 2009 19:50:49 +0000

I don’t know. I only felt meh about this one and maybe it’s residual after the last post or maybe I like my posts a little more passionate. I do like the message, but I had to read it twice to get it the way I wanted it. Oh well, doing it twice is better than doing it once I suppose.

Congratulations! Here’s the thing they don’t tell you: Most selfish people will lose a lot (if not all) of that when they have kids. Some don’t, so if you have the choice, it’s awesome that you wait. I was incredibly selfish when I got pregnant and the one thing I found is that when my son’s needs are up in competition with mine, it’s never a question as to who gets taken care of first. Things change because of love.

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By: Christina

Christina — Wed, 06 May 2009 18:34:10 +0000

Mike
all I can say is excellent, we all need to hold ourselve accountable even if we don’t want to…..as you know I have had too and I am not enjoying it entirely.
But it is so true we are responsible for what we have either in our relationships, our jobs, our families, our lives in general….everything we have we made the choice to be in it, do it and participate.
Now if we all can follow our own advice.

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