Recently there has been a few comments on my last post about responsibility. Granted this all came up because I was not really clear about what I meant. This has led me to want to go into a little more depth about what I mean by responsibility in relationships.
Who is responsible here?
The first time I was exposed to the concept of complete responsibility was through Brian Tracy an amazing business/self improvement speaker. In a nut shell Brian would corner the listener and explain “you are responsible for what you have in life, not your parents, not the government, YOU.” This concept was not that strange since I already believed I was very much in charge of my life. However the level of responsibility Brian was asking me to take I didn’t quite understand. I always felt that much was just luck of the draw; that it was not my fault if my boss was an ass or my girlfriend cheated. I thought the world was just full of jerks and I was unlucky enough to run into them periodically.
An old woman kicks my ass
I was in Japan and was training for a triathlon. I was training at the local public pool and was initially shocked that the pool was full of geriatrics! It was so annoying; they would float around bumping into me like injured manatees. To give you a little background I really struggled with older people in Japan. I felt they were very rude and xenophobic. This feeling came to a crescendo at the pool. I wanted to strangle one particular turkey necked woman who would PURPOSELY get in my way. I would try to pass her and feel her swerve out to block me. I could feel the anger ignite in me. I was training here!! I was a proper swimmer!! Get these freakin floating corpses away from me! I radiated hate as I did a flip turn a little too close the offending liver warted centurion. 10 minutes later I was in an argument with the lifeguard and was soon banned from the pool. To say the least I was livid. Still in an explosive state I asked a friend of mine for advice, he gave it to me but not in the form I desired, while looking for empathy I got honesty. “I hate to tell you this buddy but if was going to happen to someone it would happen to you.” I got off the phone stunned by that comment and when I finally embraced my role in the dance I was ashamed.
This is an embarrassing story for me to tell because I am so ashamed by my behavior. I don’t know why I was such an ass, I was in a foreign country, and it was a public pool predominantly used by senior citizens. What in the hell made me think that I could force my will there? My anger and geriatric-phobia radiated out to the 30 senior citizens there and I managed to attract and antagonize the one angry one. It was clear to me that my frustration and nonacceptance was being reflected back at me. Unfortunately I was blind to it because I had shrouded myself in blame and finger pointing.
How does this possibly relate to dating???
I don’t have to like the angry lady that made my swimming so difficult. She was bitchy xenophobic pile of refuse but by radiating the same energy I ended up taking a huge whiff of her crap. What I am saying is don’t get caught in this trap! Don’t get caught in the cycle of finger pointing and fear. Sure he is an asshole, I totally agree with you! But so what!! Life is about happiness and if given another chance I would have never gotten kicked out of that pool. Maybe you feel this is offensive and you think “I am not that way, I didn’t bring this on. It was him! He was the liar! How could I be responsible for that???” I grew up lying to my stepfather but never my mother for simple reasons. He was very critical and I was afraid of him. Does that excuse my dishonesty? NO… but there is a reasons why you are getting what you are getting. There are probably many reason why and they can not be solved one at a time. The first step is to consider that you might have something to do with it.
-Mike
- The greatest thing you will ever master is you own thinking, start now
- Afraid of him/her cheating? Guess what your brain will find for you…
- Energy draws energy, Hate draws hate and victims draw victimizers
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Blog was good…the point that really hit home was
The greatest thing you will ever master is you own thinking, start now… i like that and i have heard it before but not in the context…
I have started following you because of my BFF that “recommended” you..
keep it moving
Amanda
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Wait a minute . . . I’m confused. Did you and the old Japanese lady have sex or didn’t you???
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oh Riff Dog, you made my day with your comment! Mike, back to responsibility. It is so true. You are responsible for yourself and your feelings and how you treat others. How others respond to you is their responsibility. When you lose the bad attitude, you attract people with good attitudes. When you lose the entitlement issue (wow, look at me, I’m better, I DESERVE to be in the pool), you see things much more clearly! And when you are in a relationship and have entitlement issues, forget it. When you are in any relationship (boy/girl, boy/boy, friend/friend, parent/kid) if everyone has a “servant” attitude – what can I do for YOU – we all win.
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wow Mike…this is really good. I think this is the best post of yours that I have read. We all have something we can draw from it.
Deep yet clear, empowering, and selfless. I dig it.
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Great post! I have a friend who has road rage. I hate riding in the car with her, and she lives in Orange County, so watch out for her. Anyways, I ask her why she doesn’t try being nice and letting people merge (or drive the speed limit, even if they are in front of her). She replied “Cuz no one is ever nice to me! So why be nice to them?” She doesn’t see that her attitude comes back to her. I find when I’m happy and positive, things go so much smoother. When my attitude is bad, obstacles keep popping up all over. There is something about personal responsibility. I read the book from the previous post, and really the only thing I took was to not lie to yourself. Don’t sit there and think he is into you while feeling like crap cuz he’s not calling.
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@riff yup, I did. I like nasty women.
@everyone, glad the post was a little more accepted than the last one! But maybe I won’t get as many comments and that kinda sucks. I will have to be a little more inflamitory on the next posts!
So I am at the hospital waiting for my sister to have her first child. It reminds me that this is part of what it is all about. One day when I am a little less selfish I will have one too.
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As for this post, fair enough Mr. Dater, fair enough.
As for your niece/nephew being born, congratulations! That’s fabulous news. And it’s also kinda cool you recognize that you’re selfish. Well, enough so that you shouldn’t have kids yet.
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Mike
all I can say is excellent, we all need to hold ourselve accountable even if we don’t want to…..as you know I have had too and I am not enjoying it entirely.
But it is so true we are responsible for what we have either in our relationships, our jobs, our families, our lives in general….everything we have we made the choice to be in it, do it and participate.
Now if we all can follow our own advice.
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I don’t know. I only felt meh about this one and maybe it’s residual after the last post or maybe I like my posts a little more passionate.
I do like the message, but I had to read it twice to get it the way I wanted it. Oh well, doing it twice is better than doing it once I suppose.
Congratulations! Here’s the thing they don’t tell you: Most selfish people will lose a lot (if not all) of that when they have kids. Some don’t, so if you have the choice, it’s awesome that you wait. I was incredibly selfish when I got pregnant and the one thing I found is that when my son’s needs are up in competition with mine, it’s never a question as to who gets taken care of first. Things change because of love.
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Jillian – I have found that us moms- if we were selfish to begin with – become selfless when our kids are born. The men/dads, not so much. The majority of parents put their kids needs first, but they don’t get that they still need that selfless behavior with their spouse/significant other. And then those teenage years, most of the time, you have to actually revert to being selfish with your kids – with your time – or those lovely children take advantage…it’s all part of the cycle. Having a “maternal” instinct makes us less selfish in general – not to man bash – but guys really have to work on it! All the time. It just isn’t a natural thing for them. Sorry guys.
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I don’t know, RTM. I’ve seen men turn to mush with their kids. Especially the single dads.
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Credit where credit is due Jillian (I like the RTM btw). Men do turn to mush with their kids…and single parents get ALL my respect – don’t know how anyone does it! It is the hardest thing in the world to do. But, single parents aside, men usually think with the wrong head….which is selfish! They can be trained tho. It’s a tedious process and they have to want to. My husband slips back into the behavior once in a while but sometimes, he even catches himself (maybe it’s “the look” I give him)and he pulls his head out.
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RTM you are then, my dear. I think life experience and personal beliefs determine how people act regardless of gender. Granted, I generally look at things from the position of cognitive behavior. It’s not just men.
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Having a hard time interjecting here!
I got home for the hospital at 7 in the morning and pretty much slept the day away. I usually like to argue with analytical Jillian but I think I am going to agree with her. A lot of guys I know have really changed once a baby was brought into the world. I know that men do get a hit of oxytocin just like new mothers do but it does wear off a lot sooner! Is is possible that this is a generation gap? Men are a lot more involved than they ever used to be.
:p
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Congratulations on the new baby in your life! Maybe he or she will pull some more of that sweet domestic side out of you. Babies (even if not your own), gardens…what’s next?
I like this post–it shifts things to a more equal stance for both parties involved in relationships. A gripe I was going to pick with the previous post was that it sounded a bit like it emphasized what men expect from women and the advice came across as if you were suggesting that women shift to meet those expectations a bit. I doubt that’s what you meant, but it’s still how it read–to me anyway. But responsibility is gender neutral and if either party takes responsibility and the other doesn’t then you have yet another test for whether a relationship can work. If only one person takes responsibility for themselves, then the relationship is still pretty doomed. It’s when both sides take responsibility that things really start to happen in amazing ways that make you feel like you are lucky (though I take your point that there really isn’t luck–just energy that you draw to yourself).
So is it a niece or a nephew? For your sake, I wish for a niece. Baby girls have a way of wrapping selfish men around their little fingers in magical ways. And BTW, you aren’t really all that selfish–no more so than any of us are, anyway. This blog is proof of that….
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Oh and re: selfishness. I think it’s actually *hard* to be selfish if you take responsibility for your own actions. Responsibility requires that you think about how what you do affects others, which per force, means you have to think about others. That said, there’s still some selfishness involved in that you’re aiming to get what you feel you deserve and want out of a relationship, so at the end of the day, there’s still some “it’s all about me” involved.
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Well said Sarah!
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Totally agree Sarah and I am glad you know me well enough to infer my intentions. It was a good lesson though, I know now to be a little more cautious with how I address my audience!
I agree with the selfishness and I might write a post on it? maybe…
(BTW Sarah and I went to high school together and I think she still has the hots for me…)
You think everyone has the hots for you. Snot.
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Maybe I am just old and tarnished from my generation. Mike, you seem a lot more thoughtful than the guys that I grew up with and the ones my daughter seems to pick to date – My perspective is different – My husband has gone from ultimately very selfish, irresponsible and unaware of how he feels to being a really great partner…and I had almost given up! So, people can change if they want. Sarah…you were right on the money when you said responsibility requires “thinking”!
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@Mike–You sure that’s not the other way around?
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@RTM (to borrow from Jillian). Yes, now if only I could convince my classes of college students of that little fact re: “thinking”–thinking and responsibility seem to be foreign concepts to them…
And I had some of the same experience with my own husband that you’ve described for yours–he took a few years to train up right, but now I couldn’t imagine a better partner. (sorry Mike
)
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