Does he want me or the ironing board back?
This morning I logged on to a site that I write for and a girl was there waiting for me. She asked me a question twice and I had forgotten to answer because I get a lot of mails and often only go for the more juicy ones. However looking at her question again I realized there is a whole lot going on here.
Here is here question and my answer over IM
My ex broke up with me last Thursday but days prior he loved me, I was so different and he was so much more attracted to me. But then he got sick of my nagging (which was never me nagging it was me trying to talk to him and him being immature and not being able to talk). So anyways he text me yesterday with ” Hey you, I need my ironing board back”. Let me say that I have never seen this fool iron a day in his life. He gave that ironing board to me months and months ago and now all of sudden he needs it back. Last week he didn’t need the shit back and now he does. PLEASE! WHY DO YOU THINK HE TEXT ME THAT?
windyone:
can you answer a question for me
mikethemasterdater:
Sure, first what do you think is going on?
windyone:
its one of two things either he really needs it back or he is using it as an excuse for me to text or call back
mikethemasterdater:
I would agree but to answer this completely I am going to have to go after you a bit.
windyone:
yes im all ears
mikethemasterdater:
okay, how does your mom treat your father?
windyone:
they dont talk at all, had an abusive relationship, been divorced for 15 years
mikethemasterdater:
how much of that did you witness? the abuse?
windyone:
alot since I was 5 to 15
mikethemasterdater:
those are formative years, I experienced something similar and it messed me up
windyone:
yes it did me as well but I have dealt with it and put it behind me
mikethemasterdater:
well the way you react to men makes me think that you haven’t. In fact you are comfortable with this kind of dynamic
windyone:
No im not comfortable at all with it
but I will say that I still seem to attract guys who have issues
mikethemasterdater:
and you insist on changing them?
windyone:
not at all I know they wont change unless they want to. But this guy has issues he doesnt talk to his mom or dad and now doesnt want to talk to his sister
mikethemasterdater:
why is that your concern?
windyone:
it concerns me because I have always payed attention to how a man treats him mom and he just screams issues
mikethemasterdater:
So if he screams issues why didn’t you leave the situation? Why stay with it and why be concerned about it still?
I think you like a messed up guy.
windyone:
I care about him but I know this is for the best and I’m actually fine with this break up but then I feel bad that he will be alone for thanksgiving
but when he text for the dang board!
mikethemasterdater:
Whatever, you wanted to know if he still cares about you
windyone:
just seems to me he plays games
mikethemasterdater:
everyone plays games
windyone:
I just don’t understand that kind of thinking
mikethemasterdater:
he doesn’t understand it either, he probably doesn’t know why he wants to contact you
he is thinking of you and there is still a connection but you both know it is very unhealthy
windyone:
why did you say how I respond to men makes you think Im ok with it
mikethemasterdater:
you are attracted to a dysfunctional addictive situation. Usually people date the ones that fulfill a need regardless if it is a negative or positive one
windyone:
geez how do I stop attracting guys with issues
mikethemasterdater:
You have to discover that dysfunction in yourself
it all starts with you, the world is a reflection of who you are.
windyone:
Thats true but I have been through therapy and dealt with it I thought
and am not the kind of woman to jump from relationship to relationship to make myself feel better I always take time to heal and make myself better but I guess that’s not working
mikethemasterdater:
people often never get rid of damage from childhood. It is kinda like weight loss; you have to constantly be vigilant
Also the word healing means that a wound was inflicted. Doesn’t sound very positive. It would really help to change your language
windyone:
hmmm… well thank you for your input
mikethemasterdater:
you don’t sound very satisfied with my answers
windyone:
I know youre right and I know it now I must deal with it and really let go of him
mikethemasterdater:
Let him go, and go find a guy that needs NO fixing!
windyone:
I will let him find me but until then I am choosing to work on me but I have learned some lessons from him and will be a better woman for the next man
mikethemasterdater:
Good, I like that
Windyone reads my website so responding will be received by her.
What do you think of this problem?
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow… This article has come in a timely manner, Mike.
You remember this boy, my recent breakup? Well, we finally spoke a couple weeks ago, after a two months silence. Of course, I had hopes of coming back, but he didn’t. It was a bittersweet chat, which left me hurt because he told me things about myself, things i know are true but I thought he loved me, flaws and all, and now he seemed to have this huge revelation of them as a reason to not come back. It hurt me a lot, but now I’m fine again…
Last week he emailed me just to say he had paid the renewal of one of my domains -he’s got two of mine, and hosts my sites for free in his server. Althought it was well meant and all -he’s a sweet guy- I still felt hurt and upset just by seeing his name on my inbox, y’know? I talked to him for a while, letting him know that I needed his help, that I need to get over him, and I can’t do that if he keeps contacting me. He understood and agreed, telling me that would give me ftp access so I could download all my stuff and move to another server (not that he minds, since he gets the server for free at his IT job). He didn’t write me afterwards, and I still don’t have ftp access. I gave him the chance to cut ALL bonds with me but he hasn’t taken it, out of laziness or whatever. Of course, I’m not writing him again, I’m not insisting. He’ll send me the ftp access until he finally wants to.
I’m getting my life together, studying myself and my childhood traumas, so I can have a better and healthier relationship in the future
Thank you for your kind advice, Mike!
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Hi windyone (and Mike of course lol),
i totally understand what you are saying having been dealing with similar issues on and off most of my life… unlike you i don’t have the family abuse situation to explain my behaviour, just an over-active sympathy gland for the “needy” that always works out worse for me than him. I also tend to hang on for longer than is healthy which only makes me feel worse.
Remember, think about YOU, what YOU deserve from a guy and don’t settle for less nor put yourself through hell for someone who doesn’t appreciate you. You deserve better but only you can show him that. There are plenty of way better fish in the sea ☺
And when you’ve let go, continue to be on your guard, cos in my experience, he will want you back and it’s up to you to be strong and keep yourself healthy and happy. It’s not easy but it’s worth it!
Good luck, you’ll be fine I reckon x
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Well first I can relate to her breaking up then him suddenly asking for an ironing board and how that odd type of communication from him can make her confused. But I think you were right when you told her that he doesn’t even know why, but most likely it is because the connection is still there. But regardless that it is a connection at all, it is an unhealthy one, and Windyone should definitely just let it go. How much is an ironing board? $20? He can go buy a new one. It’s not worth possibly being roped back into something that is not good for you…or for potentially more heartache.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Internet Dating: Profile Picture Do’s & Don’ts
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Appropriate, considering I’ve actually been through a similar dynamic. It’s comforting, to a degree, to discover that a lot of women seem to go through the sympathetic concern thing for guys with emotional baggage. Windyone *CAN* do better and I hope she finds someone who is better for her instead of letting that joke of a man back into her like. Good men aren’t nonexistent, they’re just hard to find.
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I am really impressed with women. I can’t believe how supportive you are with one another! It is really too bad that men don’t have the trait.
Ladies thanks for supporting windy and for showing me another reason to think so highly of women.
(thanks for not being a douche, Mike)
Dear Windyone,
Writing this response to you is kind of like writing a letter to my 20-year-old self. I want to shake you, like I want sometimes to shake the younger me, but I also want to hug you and tell you that you will work the need for guys like Ironing-Board Man out of your system.
Like Mike says, you have to constantly be vigilant of your own tendencies to fall back into the same old trap: if you want a fixer-upper, buy an old house. You’ll never be “whole” in the sense that I think YOU think “whole” means, but you are obviously a warm, nurturing woman with a lot of love to give. You will find someone who deserves your love and asks for nothing BUT love. The guy sounds like a soul-sucking little boy without a clue. Don’t waste your time or the ironing board.
One thing I wanted to say again (MIke already pointed it out) is to be wary of the language you use. “Healing” and “dealt with it” and “issues” are negative terms and also, rather dismissive. It’s like why I hate the word “but” – it negates whatever follows.
“I am over him, but….”
“I went to therapy and dealt with it, but….”
“I know he’s no good for me, but….”
You see the pattern?
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
BELIEVE IT.
If you don’t, fake it til you make it. My cousin got me a mirror. It had YOU GO GIRL written around it. So small, but every morning I looked in it, read the words, and eventually, I got it.
Big hugs.
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Wow Natalie,
Excellent advice to windy.
I didn’t focus in on what I call the “yeah butts”
I agree but…
I like myself but…
I am glad you picked it up. We are SO influenced by the words we use and negating the positives with the use of butt not only kills forward momentum but it gives the insidious illusion that we are moving forward when we are not.
Kinda curious though why Say “thanks for not being a douche” ???
What??? Are you trying to encourage me to be? a challenge like that…
Very tempting to flex my douchiness
In fact I am going to go spam your blog
Hi everyone it’s Windyone. I just wanted to thank you all for you comments and let you know that I really appreciate it. We woman must stick together and it makes me feel better knowing other woman have been through similar situations and have come out the other side a better person learning from their mistakes.
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I looked all over my blog and not a single hint of Spam a la Mike. HMph.
(By “Thanks for not being a douche” I just really meant, thanks for not being a douche. I’m sneaky like that.)
Natalie´s last blog ..i kin cook: steak and eggs
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