God… This fucking question again. This is a Girls Ask Guys reader which is an obnoxious website where young people scream at each other. Kinda like this girl does to me after I give her an answer. Sorry I didn’t edit her mail down. Scan it if you want. I am busy marketing a book so I don’t really have the time to make this post perfect but regardless it was an interesting email interaction.
I met a guy 7 months ago in a new job, we were both starting out as contractors with a group of people and we ended up sitting together during training. We became friends and eventually we began to like each other, thing is he has a live-in girlfriend, so we both backed off. Our friendship grew along with out liking of each other until I asked him to choose one or the other. He said he didn’t know, he liked us both and was confused. Few months passed and our connection grew more and more, he asked me if I was capable of moving in with him or marrying him (which is what we both wanted at this point in life), at the moment I didn’t believe in living together before marriage (call me old-fashioned). He was throwing questions around, measuring me I guess. For you to better understand this maybe you might need to know a bit about him, he’s 27 yrs old, his gf is 30, (I’m 23) they’ve been together for a yr and half or so (he doesn’t really know) and they moved in together quite quickly. He’s proud, he’s stubborn, he’s brutally honest with me and he makes rash decisions. He used to be a player but decided he didn’t want that anymore and settled with this girl, he had no intentions of cheating at any point and honestly thought he was going to marry her at some point, in fact when we first met he told me he was asking a friend of his to design an engagement ring.
A couple of months passed and again I asked him to make a choice, he didn’t. Like started to turn more into love and he said he loved us both and was heartbreakingly confused as to what he wanted. I made a deal with him and told him that we should give it a year, if he still wanted me in a year then he would chose me because obviously it was strong enough, he agreed. Emotionally I think he relies a lot on me, we’re both stuck in a crap job we both hate, he has plans for what he wants, plans I completely support and have helped him through, and sexually there is amazing chemistry, while we haven’t slept together other things have happened (which we don’t do anymore because we know it’s wrong and we got carried away), the way he looks at me tells me everything I need to know about him. He knows I’ll support him in everything he does and that I understand what he likes and want to help him get it. Whereas his gf doesn’t understand or care much about it.
However, he recently broke the one year agreement saying he couldn’t do this anymore, it was eating him up to live like this. It broke my heart. He’s “broken up” with me about 5 times before saying the same thing and he always comes back to me one way or another. he argues that he’s no good for me, that I’m too nice and he’s afraid he’ll hurt me and he’s not willing to do so. I tell him it’s a risk I’m willing to take, that it’s my decision. He disagrees. I asked him if he would be happier with her, he refused to answer until I pushed him so much that he said an unconvincing yes, I think he was just tired and broken-hearted and knew that would make me back-off. Time passed and we were able to speak again without me breaking into tears, and eventually he told me to relax. He said he wasn’t planning on getting married, that he didn’t want to yet and he wasn’t buying any engagement ring. That if we were meant to be than we would be together someday but that for now he was in a relationship.
Things between us have pretty much gone back to normal again, without the sexual things, there are innuendos and he asks for stuff but always backs off, saying he’s controlling himself now. He still calls me babe, he looks at me and he’s realized once more how much he wants/loves me, which pissed him off because I let him see it again, but he doesn’t deny it he can’t. He told me he’d do anything to be with me, so my reaction was a clear well wtf? Just be with me, but he says he can’t. I tell him that it’s not that he can’t because he’s not married and has no children with this woman, I tell him it’s that he doesn’t want to. He says no, I just can’t.
He believes a lot in destiny and so do I. Neither of us were planned to work on this particular account, but we ended up there, our seats were assigned next to each other, our whole group got fired one but one, except us. We’ve been to numerous interviews and applied to a lot of jobs to get out of here but we never make it. Something always happens that keeps him from starting his own business.. I mean, come on, right? Any insight would be much appreciated, I’m a broken mess but far too in love to leave it. Thanks so much again, seriously, and sorry for the long novel.
On Fri, Jul 2, 2010 at 8:09 PM, Mike Masters wrote:
Sorry didn’t mail you back last night, I am in japan and we got a little drunk.
I get a lot of mails like this so it is hard to answer them all. I value that you took the time to write this out and that you are asking me for help. Very flattering but hard to keep up with.
So, you read my post on the subject and I think you understand a little bit better about where I stand.
Okay… I am going to be brutally honest with you and to confirm what I am going to tell you, please ask a friend if they agree. I don’t know the entire situation but I think I have a good feel for it.
You are in love, and because you are in love you are not listening to reality. You are blinded by your hormonal/emotional need, this need is what is destroying your ability to think strait. You are in a horribly unbalanced situation and it is making you look and act disgustingly weak, something that is a huge turn-off for any man. You are waiting for a fantasy that will never, ever, ever materialize. It is this simple.
IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.
Sure his feelings might have been strong in the beginning but he has changed, and you are still clinging to what he told you in the beginning of the relationship. He is trying to tell you the truth but you are refusing to listen. What is it going to take for you to hear what he is communicating in VOLUME by his actions.
Life is so short and to be wasting your valuable emotional time on a man that is unavailable is insane on your part. PLEASE HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT AND STOP THIS NOW.
Imagine relationships are like a teeter totter. The only way it can work is if it is balanced. He moves forward, you move forward, he moves back, you move back. Right now you are the only one doing the moving, you are the only one on the ride. This is so unhealthy, you must stop now. He hit the ground and got off the teeter totter a long time ago and you still sitting there, hoping and praying that he would join you again is painfully sad.
So I hate to say this, since I like to give people what they want but in this case the only way to get what you want is to change what you want. Find a man that loves you, wants you, DOESN’T HAVE A GF!!! and one more time
IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.
Sweetie, I would love to give you a different answer but the road to power and relationship success is directly related to self respect. I would never pine after a woman that didn’t feel the same. I love myself too much for that, sure it hurts, sure I want to move mountains to fix the problem but sometimes you just can’t. Knowing when to quit and find something that actually is fruitful is the key.
Wow… that was a bit longer than I meant it to be. Maybe I will write a book on this! (seriously, I might)
You are free to email me again and don’t be so apologetic and passive this time. Those are not attractive traits.
(Also undoubtedly I got some details wrong but I imagine that I see most of the picture, extra details are not going to help or change what I think)
And she responded rather unfriendly
Awesome. Hope you’re, having fun.
Apologetic and passive? With you or with life? Because I don’t think I’m in a position to be a little aggressive if I find myself asking a total stranger for help with my emotional life. But if you want me to be more aggressive then fine by me.
Thank you for your generic email, I’m not fooled. I do appreciate the effort though, and I’m sure you think the same about every bloody situation you hear about. I can’t blame you at all, in fact I’d probably answer the same, except I’m not offering people advice and writing a blog on it. Had I wanted to read an answer that would apply to all cases without singling out any little detail that might affect the outcome, like him begging me not to stop talking to him after “breaking it off”, then I would’ve read some cheap psychological bullshit from some women’s magazine who claims to know better than everyone else, when in fact it might not be anything other than some single girl shacking it up in her mother’s attic, eating ice cream each night wondering why the hell she hasn’t found the perfect man.
But alas, I do thank you for your email anyway, you had absolutely no need to answer it, much less in such a lengthy way. I’m sure you’re right, everything you said I already knew though. I wanted to just know the difference between a wan’t and a can’t in his mind, and what might be holding him back. Either way, believe it or not I’m doing my best in letting him go, little by little each day, hard as it may be.
So excuse my passiveness, I’m sorry it’s not attractive to you, apparently I do this all the time. I hope this e-mail is slightly less passive for you, if not well fuck it, I’m not here to make anyone’s life better, at least not right now. Right now is about me and me alone.
Thank you anyway and I hope you’re having a blast in Japan.
On Mon, Jul 5, 2010 at 4:29 PM, Mike Masters wrote:
Actually no, that was not a canned response, and your response to me was rather angry.
You have a man, that has a GF, you are in love with him, you are not sleeping with him, he doesn’t seem to reciprocate your feelings, and you don’t seem to care. Am I missing something here? Do you need a reality slap in person? or is there some crucial detail you left out?
You didn’t seem to want to hear what I wrote and why it doesn’t apply to you wasn’t explained. My opinion is not some cheap woman’s magazine tripe and I do get paid for my work.
End of correspondence.
My final take?
I shouldn’t have wasted the 20 minutes answering a petulant child that refused to listen.
So cheers from Japan guys, having a fucking amazing time.
P.S. She is totally sleeping with him. Why lie to a complete stranger? Guilt is a bitch…
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