IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU

by Mike Masters on July 6, 2010

Screw you, I don't care if he is using me

God… This fucking question again. This is a Girls Ask Guys reader which is an obnoxious website where young people scream at each other. Kinda like this girl does to me after I give her an answer. Sorry I didn’t edit her mail down. Scan it if you want. I am busy marketing a book so I don’t really have the time to make this post perfect but regardless it was an interesting email interaction.

I met a guy 7 months ago in a new job, we were both starting out as contractors with a group of people and we ended up sitting together during training. We became friends and eventually we began to like each other, thing is he has a live-in girlfriend, so we both backed off. Our friendship grew along with out liking of each other until I asked him to choose one or the other. He said he didn’t know, he liked us both and was confused. Few months passed and our connection grew more and more, he asked me if I was capable of moving in with him or marrying him (which is what we both wanted at this point in life), at the moment I didn’t believe in living together before marriage (call me old-fashioned). He was throwing questions around, measuring me I guess. For you to better understand this maybe you might need to know a bit about him, he’s 27 yrs old, his gf is 30, (I’m 23) they’ve been together for a yr and half or so (he doesn’t really know) and they moved in together quite quickly. He’s proud, he’s stubborn, he’s brutally honest with me and he makes rash decisions. He used to be a player but decided he didn’t want that anymore and settled with this girl, he had no intentions of cheating at any point and honestly thought he was going to marry her at some point, in fact when we first met he told me he was asking a friend of his to design an engagement ring.

A couple of months passed and again I asked him to make a choice, he didn’t. Like started to turn more into love and he said he loved us both and was heartbreakingly confused as to what he wanted. I made a deal with him and told him that we should give it a year, if he still wanted me in a year then he would chose me because obviously it was strong enough, he agreed. Emotionally I think he relies a lot on me, we’re both stuck in a crap job we both hate, he has plans for what he wants, plans I completely support and have helped him through, and sexually there is amazing chemistry, while we haven’t slept together other things have happened (which we don’t do anymore because we know it’s wrong and we got carried away), the way he looks at me tells me everything I need to know about him. He knows I’ll support him in everything he does and that I understand what he likes and want to help him get it. Whereas his gf doesn’t understand or care much about it.

However, he recently broke the one year agreement saying he couldn’t do this anymore, it was eating him up to live like this. It broke my heart. He’s “broken up” with me about 5 times before saying the same thing and he always comes back to me one way or another. he argues that he’s no good for me, that I’m too nice and he’s afraid he’ll hurt me and he’s not willing to do so. I tell him it’s a risk I’m willing to take, that it’s my decision. He disagrees. I asked him if he would be happier with her, he refused to answer until I pushed him so much that he said an unconvincing yes, I think he was just tired and broken-hearted and knew that would make me back-off.  Time passed and we were able to speak again without me breaking into tears, and eventually he told me to relax. He said he wasn’t planning on getting married, that he didn’t want to yet and he wasn’t buying any engagement ring. That if we were meant to be than we would be together someday but that for now he was in a relationship.

Things between us have pretty much gone back to normal again, without the sexual things, there are innuendos and he asks for stuff but always backs off, saying he’s controlling himself now. He still calls me babe, he looks at me and he’s realized once more how much he wants/loves me, which pissed him off because I let him see it again, but he doesn’t deny it he can’t. He told me he’d do anything to be with me, so my reaction was a clear well wtf? Just be with me, but he says he can’t. I tell him that it’s not that he can’t because he’s not married and has no children with this woman, I tell him it’s that he doesn’t want to. He says no, I just can’t.

He believes a lot in destiny and so do I. Neither of us were planned to work on this particular account, but we ended up there, our seats were assigned next to each other, our whole group got fired one but one, except us. We’ve been to numerous interviews and applied to a lot of jobs to get out of here but we never make it. Something always happens that keeps him from starting his own business.. I mean, come on, right? Any insight would be much appreciated, I’m a broken mess but far too in love to leave it.  Thanks so much again, seriously, and sorry for the long novel. :)
On Fri, Jul 2, 2010 at 8:09 PM, Mike Masters wrote:

Sorry didn’t mail you back last night, I am in japan and we got a little drunk.

I get a lot of mails like this so it is hard to answer them all. I value that you took the time to write this out and that you are asking me for help. Very flattering but hard to keep up with.

So, you read my post on the subject and I think you understand a little bit better about where I stand.

Okay… I am going to be brutally honest with you and to confirm what I am going to tell you, please ask a friend if they agree. I don’t know the entire situation but I think I have a good feel for it.

You are in love, and because you are in love you are not listening to reality. You are blinded by your hormonal/emotional need, this need is what is destroying your ability to think strait. You are in a horribly unbalanced situation and it is making you look and act disgustingly weak, something that is a huge turn-off for any man. You are waiting for a fantasy that will never, ever, ever materialize. It is this simple.

IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.

Sure his feelings might have been strong in the beginning but he has changed, and you are still clinging to what he told you in the beginning of the relationship. He is trying to tell you the truth but you are refusing to listen. What is it going to take for you to hear what he is communicating in VOLUME by his actions.

Life is so short and to be wasting your valuable emotional time on a man that is unavailable is insane on your part. PLEASE HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT AND STOP THIS NOW.

Imagine relationships are like a teeter totter. The only way it can work is if it is balanced. He moves forward, you move forward, he moves back, you move back. Right now you are the only one doing the moving, you are the only one on the ride. This is so unhealthy, you must stop now. He hit the ground and got off the teeter totter a long time ago and you still sitting there, hoping and praying that he would join you again is painfully sad.

So I hate to say this, since I like to give people what they want but in this case the only way to get what you want is to change what you want. Find a man that loves you, wants you, DOESN’T HAVE A GF!!!  and one more time

IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.

Sweetie, I would love to give you a different answer but the road to power and relationship success is directly related to self respect. I would never pine after a woman that didn’t feel the same. I love myself too much for that, sure it hurts, sure I want to move mountains to fix the problem but sometimes you just can’t. Knowing when to quit and find something that actually is fruitful is the key.

Wow… that was a bit longer than I meant it to be. Maybe I will write a book on this! (seriously, I might)

You are free to email me again and don’t be so apologetic and passive this time. Those are not attractive traits.

(Also undoubtedly I got some details wrong but I imagine that I see most of the picture, extra details are not going to help or change what I think)

And she responded rather unfriendly

Awesome. Hope you’re, having fun.

Apologetic and passive? With you or with life? Because I don’t think I’m in a position to be a little aggressive if I find myself asking a total stranger for help with my emotional life. But if you want me to be more aggressive then fine by me.

Thank you for your generic email, I’m not fooled. I do appreciate the effort though, and I’m sure you think the same about every bloody situation you hear about. I can’t blame you at all, in fact I’d probably answer the same, except I’m not offering people advice and writing a blog on it. Had I wanted to read an answer that would apply to all cases without singling out any little detail that might affect the outcome, like him begging me not to stop talking to him after “breaking it off”, then I would’ve read some cheap psychological bullshit from some women’s magazine who claims to know better than everyone else, when in fact it might not be anything other than some single girl shacking it up in her mother’s attic, eating ice cream each night wondering why the hell she hasn’t found the perfect man.

But alas, I do thank you for your email anyway, you had absolutely no need to answer it, much less in such a lengthy way. I’m sure you’re right, everything you said I already knew though. I wanted to just know the difference between a wan’t and a can’t in his mind, and what might be holding him back. Either way, believe it or not I’m doing my best in letting him go, little by little each day, hard as it may be.

So excuse my passiveness, I’m sorry it’s not attractive to you, apparently I do this all the time. I hope this e-mail is slightly less passive for you, if not well fuck it, I’m not here to make anyone’s life better, at least not right now. Right now is about me and me alone.

Thank you anyway and I hope you’re having a blast in Japan.

On Mon, Jul 5, 2010 at 4:29 PM, Mike Masters wrote:

Actually no, that was not a canned response, and your response to me was rather angry.

You have a man, that has a GF, you are in love with him, you are not sleeping with him, he doesn’t seem to reciprocate your feelings, and you don’t seem to care. Am I missing something here? Do you need a reality slap in person? or is there some crucial detail you left out?

You didn’t seem to want to hear what I wrote and why it doesn’t apply to you wasn’t explained. My opinion is not some cheap woman’s magazine tripe and I do get paid for my work.

End of correspondence.

My final take?

I shouldn’t have wasted the 20 minutes answering a petulant child that refused to listen.

So cheers from Japan guys, having a fucking amazing time.

P.S.  She is totally sleeping with him. Why lie to a complete stranger? Guilt is a bitch…

Want to really figure out why he won’t commit?? Why he isn’t getting serious and what to do about it? Check out my best selling book on Amazon for only 2.99! Click here for 75 Secrets Why He Won’t Commit And What To Do About It

{ 76 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jillian July 6, 2010 at 12:56 am

I have to agree with your assessment in that she is likely emotionally enmeshed in this situation. I don’t know that she’s sleeping with him, but emotionally that doesn’t matter, Mike. This wasn’t a real question, rather it was a back-me-up request. The question was written in a way that was begging for someone, anyone, to please say that she wasn’t crazy to love him, she wasn’t crazy to wait and she was just fine staying with the behavior she was exhibiting. She didn’t want to hear what you had to say, hence the angry response.

No one that cares for other people is going to give her the response she wants because the situation she is in is going to put her in the way of a shattering heartbreak. Either way, she has already lost in this situation. If he wanted her, he would have jetted that relationship long ago. She’s already lost and the only way to pretend to herself that she hasn’t is by trying to make a go of whatever she has left.

You said it best when you said he’s using her. She’s allowing it because she’s scared to let go and letting go is admitting that he used her, she allowed it and it’s over. If she sees this, I just wanted to recommend a great book I’m reading right now called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I have a feeling she’s going to need it after this one.
Jillian´s last blog post ..Oh the places you’ll go…

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2 K.E. June 22, 2011 at 12:20 am

I agree with Mike and Jillian… except my favorite book is Fire Your Shrink, by Michele Wiener. It’s all about doing less of what isn’t working, and more of what works. That, plus taking care of yourself regardless, and letting the other player make their own decisions…

Honestly notice your love-object’s actions – those speak louder than words (as Mike already pointed out!) If they act in your benefit, keep doing what you’re doing. If they act to your detriment – be realistic, stop doing what isn’t working, and take care of yourself first.

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3 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 1:09 am

You Rock Jillian,
Dear anonymous questioner, Jillian is a Psychotherapist.
If you don’t wish to listen to me, at least listen to her.

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4 Jillian July 6, 2010 at 1:15 am

Hah! For the record, I don’t give official advice or therapy on the internet. :P
Jillian´s last blog post ..Oh the places you’ll go…

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5 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Jillian, will you fix me?
I mean literally. The thought of being sexually viable gives me nightmares.

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6 Jillian July 6, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Oh, sweetie, you are fine just as you are. Literally. You are fiiiiiine. *laughing* Would you quit?
Jillian´s last blog post ..Oh the places you’ll go…

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7 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 3:55 pm

As the Japanese say, “pipe cut” (apparently the word vasectomy was too hard to pronounce)
Hey I want to the flow to the hose going I just don’t want any “contaminants” to ruin my life.

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8 Jillian July 6, 2010 at 3:58 pm

It’s quite possible that they already have. ;)
Jillian´s last blog post ..Oh the places you’ll go…

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9 Jillian July 6, 2010 at 1:16 am

And thank you, Mike.
Jillian´s last blog post ..Oh the places you’ll go…

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10 Jersey B July 6, 2010 at 4:37 am

Man, I see this all the time. Reading her initial email is cringe-inducing. The hopelessness of her situation is obvious to anyone and everyone, except her because she is desperately clinging to ANY possible fact that supports her desire to have this guy like her. Take her insistence that the guy “begged” her not to stop talking to him after they broke it off. Allow me to help. He is a man. Men have big egos. He doesn’t want you, but he wants you to continue pining away for him. Not because he will ever want you. He just likes the effect it has on his ego.

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11 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 3:37 pm

JB
if you ever find yourself wanting to write an ebook or any joint project for that matter I am totally in. Always impressed with what you have to say.
The ego part is golden and horribly true. Women do this too but guys are out of control! The more women we have desperately in love with us, the better, there is no substitute.
I am no exception, the most gorgeous words I will ever hear out of a woman’s mouth are, “you ruined me”
HAHAHA!!! I will rule the WORLD!!!

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12 Jersey B July 7, 2010 at 8:00 am

Yeah we are all guilty of it. Why do I still talk to stalker girls I have zero interest in? Because they make me feel like Zeus! Hahaha

Thanks for the complement – means a lot coming from the Masterdater. Like I’ve said before, one of these days I’ll get my act together and think of some ideas. Could be sooner rather than later now that I’m single again.

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13 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 5:16 pm

And yet another excellent observation.
I collect them at well but I first make sure they are well and truly addicted, cant have them being nutty with some other guy!

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14 Lifebeginsat30ty July 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

I think you should write about this ‘collecting’ business. I mean, I have lots of guy friends but if I found out they were secretly in love with me, that’d be the end of that. Also hard to be friends with a guy I’ve dated, although has been done. But keeping a bunch of guys around that I know are into me? Don’t see the point. You must enlighten us, Mike-San.
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog post ..Dating vs Relationships

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15 K.E. June 22, 2011 at 12:37 am

I think when I was younger I sometimes wanted to feel like some ex was still “mine” or still wanted me (ego-wise) … but in general, once I really broke up with a guy (sometimes that might take awhile, on either side) – I never really wanted him back. Call it a learning curve. I never wanted to re-experience whatever made that particular relationship go south.

I can only really be friends with a guy if he’s in a serious relationship / married, and only then if it doesn’t threaten his girl. (I’m married, but I was the same about this when I was single/dating.) I make it clear that I’m just platonic to potential guy-friends, but sometimes that doesn’t get through to all the parties involved, in which case, no guy-friendship other than work-related.

My husband seems to like to stay amicable/friends with ex’s and ex-flings, and they seem fine with it (lots of them are married, live elsewhere, etc). Mostly this means facebook-ing.

I do suspect it feeds his ego a bit, but it seems harmless to me. He was like that long before I dated him, but I’m the one he asked to marry him, so that’s enough for me ;)

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16 Jen November 1, 2010 at 4:30 pm

I just happened to stumble upon this as I was googling “If he wanted to, he would”. This is my mantra. Does it hurt when suddenly the guy that’s been calling and texting like you’re the only girl on the planet disappears? Hell yes. But will I go chasing him? Hell no. If he wanted to, he would. PERIOD. He doesn’t want to, I’m not worth it to him then why the hell is he worth it to me? Okay, okay…so I am googling phrases and chatting on a random thread but I am not calling him or texting why waa waa waa even though part of me wants to. He can go feel like Zeus with someone else. It’s offensive but totally believable that this is exactly how guys think and act. I appreciate the enlightenment and the fuel for my fire. Rock on, date on but not with me! Haha.

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17 smail024 October 27, 2010 at 1:43 am

Love it ! it is soooo true – it’s like these men are MISOGYNIST’S!!

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18 Mike Masters November 1, 2010 at 6:20 pm

What a unintelligent thing to say

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19 Sandy January 18, 2013 at 7:43 pm

The woman above the last comment notes that a man just up and stopped calling her. Disappeared. You have written all of these books on how to turn things around. Well the how does she? I am not talking about the original email, but the one from Jen.

Thanks

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20 mikaya July 6, 2010 at 5:32 am

Mike you think like a man ‘here’s the problem…here’s the solution’, I feel this girl though, she thinks like i once did (lol probably still..to a lesser degree does). The thinking is ‘once i love him and he see’s that i’m a good person things will work out’, this usually never happens, the sooner she gets out of this twilight zone the better for her. As expected she will be upset for a while because u harshly hit the nail on the head, but she’ll eventually get it!

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21 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Mikaya, hello?
I am a relationship blogger NOT one of her girlfriends! I am not going to pussy foot around with the answer. I think I was rather nice actually.
But with that said, I am a guy and I love pounding that nail!
How are you doing BTW, haven’t talk to you in a while.

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22 Connie July 6, 2010 at 1:59 pm

Mike is right, this young lady is feeding this guys ego. He has the best of both worlds. If she loves herself then she should realize that he doesn’t lover her. As the saying goes “love is blind”, she is blind right now and unfortunately when everything comes to a crashing halt she will realize that the guy is just a fool.
She wrote to you for advice, but she already knows the answer because if she felt t was right and so perfect she would have no question in her mind.

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23 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Every time I have someone blow up I realize I wrote a good post.
Now let me finish my article on the Joys of kiddy porn. (for you idiots out there, that was a joke)

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24 Patrizia July 6, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Mike, that was unreal, as was her nasty reply to you.
I don’t know how people manage to detach themselves from the reality that stares them in the face…and justify their behavior.
The only thing I can think of, is that maybe it’s just another way to get attention. There is a lot of recognition in acting like a martyr. I don’t know…I don’t get it!

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25 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 3:52 pm

I used to teach weight loss to a bunch of unhappy obese people. I learned to fucking hate it. Why? because I had to deal with all of the defense mechanisms surrounding their choices in life. It was so frustrating that I would only accept clients that were HIGHLY motivated.

This girl is exactly the same. She is defending her emotional obesity, she is defending her poor choices. She knows what she has done, she knows how to fix it. My only hope is that this was all shocking enough to snap out of her out of it.

But most likely she was just paint over the graffiti on the wall. Nope! didn’t happen! Pass the Ben and Jerrys please!

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26 K.E. June 30, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Mike, I would love the male straight-shooter’s point of view re: dealing with a man who’s very defensive. I already have a friggin encyclopedic download re: psych ( from reading over the years, and noticing common thread – led to a lot of solution-focus techniques) – but I’d just love to hear your own, no-nonsense advise for dealing with defensive guys. I don’t run into it all that often (in general), but I do see it in my husband. I’m actually trying to focus on myself, notice my own reactions, etc., but any techniques. observations appreciated – thanks!

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27 Lifebeginsat30ty July 6, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Ugh. How rude is that to ask for advice and then shit all over it? You took the time to read her novel and write a lengthy reply! Some people are just ungrateful.

My only thought when reading this was: “Boy, this guys got the best of both worlds! He goes home and he has a girlfriend. He comes to work and he has an almost girlfriend who stares at him with stars in her eyes and would sleep with him if he wanted!” Of course he doesn’t want to break up with the girlfriend! That would disturb his carefully created equilibrium. He.
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog post ..Dating vs Relationships

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28 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 4:01 pm

That actually really bent me out of shape. In her defense she doesn’t read masterdater and she doesn’t really get that this is my job. With that said… It was still pretty shitty of her.

and it was a fucking novel eh? it is as if the more details you can give the more you can justify your behavior. Can you believe I get about 3 or 4 of those a week? and they are all that long. Or longer!

This is exactly what is meant by having your cake and eating it too. I love these kind of girls, totally willing to suspend reality.

“No honey, I love you, really I do… Could I have another $100 bucks now?”

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29 Zoe July 6, 2010 at 4:17 pm

Yeah. Hate to say it, but even *I* know when the game is over. And girlie, that game has ended a long time ago. The sooner you look for other men the better. Better yet, take a vacation. That should do the trick. Sometimes we need to be physically removed from our current location in order to have a clearer perspective. Am I right, Mike? ;)
Zoe´s last blog post ..Happy Canada Day

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30 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 5:32 pm

EVEN YOU???
Totally agree with you on the break, the part that they work together is really the problem. Hard to quit cocaine when you live in Columbia

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31 K.E. June 30, 2012 at 11:02 pm

How come I can’t “like ” your comment?
“Hard to quit cocaine when you live in Columbia” — that’s great!

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32 Carla Wolt July 6, 2010 at 5:24 pm

What a Drama Queen, Just send her a bill for your advice and maybe she will wake up and smell the coffee.

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33 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Hahaha, maybe I will do that.

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34 Something She Dated July 6, 2010 at 11:04 pm

Umm…sorry in advance to people who believe in soulmates, crystals, fortune cookies, knocking on wood, and all that other ridiculousness…but did no one else notice the reference to destiny and the bullshit facts she gave as proof? The girl’s a fuckin’ looney tune! She’s probably checking their horoscopes right now to find the answer to her emotional turmoil.

Virgo: Hang on for dear life. This man is your only hope at happiness. Ignore his girlfriend. Ignore the fact that he doesn’t want to be with you. Focus solely on bullshit data that you’ve hand-picked to backup your bullshit theory. Unless it’s wednesday. Then get a fucking clue. Get a backbone. Get a life. Get a brain. Get it together. DUDE DOES NOT WANT YOU! Feel free to call his girlfriend and pass that along but then get the hell outta dodge. Oh yeah and don’t blame not getting a better job on fate. Fate hates when you do that. You’re probably just retarded. That’s not fate’s fault. Maybe you should just spice up your resume a bit. Or practice interview skills with your parents. Just Sayin’.
Something She Dated´s last blog post ..Mega Love- A Dilemma

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35 Mike Masters July 6, 2010 at 11:51 pm

Oh my god… You fucking slay me… That was AWESOME!!!

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36 Bela April 20, 2011 at 5:55 am

I think you are being judgemental by labelling someone ‘retarded’. You are the one who needs to get a brain. There’s always another valid position other than your own however much you may hate it. You don’t have proof otherwise. You don’t know how things will turn out. As you say there is no crystal ball. Mike, you and your readers need to swear less.

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37 Mike Masters April 20, 2011 at 6:17 am

I will do my best not to react to you calling me brainless.
So, smarty pants, you got a intelligent answer or do you just want call me brainless and do the same you accused me of?
fuck, shit, cock….

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38 JL July 7, 2010 at 9:56 am

Poor girl… she will probably be dumb enough to stick around until his girlfriend dumps him. Wonder why he won’t be able to be commit to her then. He used to be a player.. what a joke! Honey he still is!! Playing your butt right now………

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39 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Hi jerri
yup… even if he left his GF she wouldn’t be an option. Kinda sad.

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40 Maris July 7, 2010 at 10:07 am

It’s so easy to be blinded to the truth when you are so madly in love. Having been in the same situation before, I know how it hurts to admit to oneself that “you are the only one in love.” Although men have baffled me since they first caught my interest as a teen, I know for a fact that when it comes to wanting someone, men and women are basically they same: they don’t let anything get in their way of being with their special someone no matter what.
Maris´s last blog post ..Welcome the Summer With Chili-Rubbed Chicken

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41 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 5:38 pm

“I know how it hurts to admit to oneself that “you are the only one in love.””

This is so true, I hate being on the other side of it to be honest. Sure it boosts the ego but after 10 years of this mental masturbation I like to think I have matured.

Now look above to my comments to Jersey Brett and see me contradict myself.

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42 Eli July 7, 2010 at 5:09 pm

Good stuff…Honestly I have never given much thought to the mind set of “the other woman”, however disgustingly weak seems a fitting description.

I also agree she is totally sleeping with him!

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43 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 5:35 pm

I really haven’t given much thought of the other women much either but since I have been inundated with the same email over and over and over again. I really want to write a book about it.

I am really surprised that so many people read her email. You ladies much like to peek into the heads of other women.

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44 LindseyLoo July 7, 2010 at 6:35 pm

Girl, you are a damn door mat. Seriously, this guy lacks character, and if you find this appealing you should question yours. I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but we’ve been there and dealt with that and he is the type of guy that has his cake and eats it too. He gets ass where he wants it with numerous multiple connections. You need to think more of yourself to deserve a man that has your undivided attention. If he has some other girl’s on the side, then he has personality issues, codependency issues, cheating issues, and it shouldn’t be your issue. The guy lacks character, move on.

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45 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 6:43 pm

Damn… Never had so many women jump up and give a girl such a GIANT bitch slap! I am kinda getting turned on!

Lindsey, I think rather they both lack character. Like attracts like.

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46 LindseyLoo July 7, 2010 at 7:38 pm

It’s a love tap, and I hope you’re turned on. I think the age difference between the two may say lack of character on his part and lack of experience (or character) on her part. When approaching relationships, both men and women deserve to be the one and only for their partner’s lives. If not, then move on, there are plenty of fish in the sea. People need not to think in black and white, rather shades of gray. Don’t settle if it makes you miserable. There are much worse things in life to deal with then optional pain with dysfunctional relationships.

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47 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 8:03 pm

I would agree to a degree about the experience but the character part I am going to hold firm on. It doesn’t take experience to know when something is wrong. She is looking the other way because she is too afraid to deserve something better for her life.

You need your own blog Lindsey, or were you giving advice to me because there is this girl…
She has herpes but I really love her…
Her three boys are from 4 different men and one is my classmate…
She keeps screwing my brothers…
She lives in Afghanistan…
and I think she used to be a man…

Question: How do I get her away from her husband and her ex girlfriend????
please email me
Tearsinmysoul@gmail.com

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48 LindseyLoo July 7, 2010 at 8:07 pm

hahahahahaha, damnit Mike that is so funny!! How do you answer those questions? Perhaps you could address more normal single misguided souls like myself. I do want to start my own blog and website, and I plan to do it soon (thanks for the inspiration). I’ve got some sage advice and maybe someone will listen. You crack me up. I can guarantee you get laid a lot. lol

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49 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 9:15 pm

No comment but it is remarkable how humor is directly attached to the clitoris. Add onto that a guy that insists on making that clitoris sing as often as possible but once again, no comment.
What are you doing later?

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50 LindseyLoo July 7, 2010 at 9:22 pm

What is so humorous about the clitoris? The foreskin is funny, but I am glad you aren’t singing about that…. Are you?? lol

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51 Mike Masters July 7, 2010 at 9:52 pm

It looks like a dirty little nun.
One I want to convert.

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52 LindseyLoo July 7, 2010 at 10:03 pm

Father, I doubt you could handle me nevertheless convert me ;)

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53 Mike Masters July 8, 2010 at 8:29 pm

Yeah, like I haven’t heard that a million times.

Get on your knees, shut up and confess, you know you will feel better.

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54 LindseyLoo July 8, 2010 at 9:12 pm

So you have been told that a million times, I see ;) hehe

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55 Dating Dufus July 7, 2010 at 10:16 pm

I’m afraid she took her frustration about how that guy is treating her (cheap sex?) and dumped it on you… Actually Mike I think you did a nice job writing a helpful and lengthy response considering you are supposed to be having fun in Japan! Anybody who reads your blog on a regular basis would know that was NOT a canned response and in fact you tried to give her a badly needed reality check. Oh well… some people have to learn the hard way… and they will….

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56 Dating Dufus July 7, 2010 at 11:43 pm

It might be helpful to focus on an aspect of this situation many of us can relate to. The attraction starts off mutual, he’s making the effort… and then??? The guy stops calling, is busy or “just can’t.” It takes time to realize something has changed and we don’t know why. Already invested in the relationship, we hang in there thinking it might get better again.

We replay the nice things he said before, the nice things he did… was he lying or did he change his mind, and if so WHY? Women drive themselves crazy asking these questions. We begin making excuses for his “strange” behavior (like having another girlfriend)… But Mike, as hard as it is to accept, I believe the bottom line IS as you said: “IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.” It really hurts, but it’s true.

The problem is the heart is not rational. Yes, we know better, but the heart is still attached. I’ve been there too. Sometimes I feel like a bug caught in a whirlpool drain– can’t get a firm enough footing to put the brakes on. How to stop the feelings?

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57 Mike Masters July 8, 2010 at 8:36 pm

You made a good point when you mentioned how things start as mutual and then often change on his part.
You are still going a 100 MPH but he has slowed way down. Since you don’t understand and don’t want to understand you blow past him emotionally and there is no longer is a race. One you have lost by going too fast.
This is why it is so crucial to pay attention, to be aware, to sense the balance. The teeter totter analogy is one of my favorites because everyone knows what happens when the other person jumps off, you hit the ground and it HURTS!
Matching his speed and his balance is uber important, something that doesn’t need an explanation. He feels the way he does and you need to act accordingly. This balance is attractive, this balance maintains tension and since you are going the same speed, it is possible to start the game again, when he is ready.
Upshot, don’t fucking think so much, just react to the balance ALWAYS!

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58 Dating Dufus July 9, 2010 at 1:33 am

Thanks Mike, this is VERY HELPFUL!!!! And encouraging actually… Yes I think we can always FEEL what’s going on with the power balance. It sounds like the trick is to keep responding to the CURRENT SITUATION and not get confused by what was going on 6 months or even 2 weeks ago.

We just have to trust our instincts and focus on getting the power back, not do something stupid (like send him a dumb ass letter)… :-/ Luckily I am now getting SAGE advice from you and don’t do those things any more! Thanks again for all your great help. Hope you are having a great time in Nihon!

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59 Patricia July 8, 2010 at 8:27 am

hahaha! this is great Mike :) Indeed, a good laugh and a lil’ insight into the minds of desperate women. Damn! when are we gonna learn that we always have options?

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60 Esme July 9, 2010 at 10:00 am

You called it when you told her to get some self-respect. I never understood how women can be a doormat to men and their whims (to be fair, there are men out there like that too-so unattractive). The man has the best of both worlds…why would he change anything? She needs to grow up-never let yourself be someone’s option while making them your priority!
Esme
Esme´s last blog post ..Wrong In Every Way

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61 Mike Masters July 9, 2010 at 4:12 pm

That last line needs to be the title of a book.
Excellent.

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62 Telstar July 11, 2010 at 1:20 am

I’d feel sorry for this girl but she’s only 23!!!! plenty of time to get out there and date a bunch of other guys (and maybe make some more mistakes along the way) before meeting the real ‘one’ (she also seemed a little smug about here age compared to the 30 year old gf)
Now, with that out of the way..Mike I’m gonna stoke your ego a bit here (and I’m gathering that with guys its all about the ego!)…I just stumbled across this website about a week ago and have been GLUED to it ever since. I think I’ve read nearly all the past posts and alot of the reader comments
Lord, I should have read this stuff years ago…genius topics, thoughtfully and wittily written, true ‘inside the mind of a man’ insights (thanks dude!)….and on top of all that, reader comment that are intelligent (unlike comments on most websites that always seem to have been written by a bunch of illiterate morons)

I have about a million questions / ideas for additional topics that I’d love to see your opinion on Mike but should probably email them to you seperatly!

One thing I will ask now….really interested in your ‘reacting to the balance’ comment….I had a very bad break-up/heartache in my early twenties, where I held onto a dysfunctional relationship for waaayy too long, with someone who cheated on me that I was unfortunately besotted with. The result of that is that in every relationship (or potential) since, at the first sign of perceived ‘trouble/issue’, or if I get the impression that the guy is hesitating or not sure (e.g. longer than 3/4 days with no contact) I basically freeze them out immediately (regardless of how painful it is…I’ve done this recently with a guy I REALLY liked) in anticipation of the worst on the premise that I’m about to get hurt again and need to avoid this for the sake of pride etc. …..but I wonder if I’m doing this too quickly and need to give guys the benefit of the doubt in the beginning. How soon does a guy know that he really likes a girl and might be ready to consider her his gf (and therefore what kind of timeline should I feel comfortable with?)…..I know alot of girls have ‘instant relationship’ syndrome.

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63 Hate Cheaters July 20, 2010 at 5:56 pm

All of you laughing at her should be ashamed of yourselves. Who are you to judge her? She is obviously in pain and doesn’t know how to let go and the narcissist piece of shit keeps pulling her in. Do unto others! and Reap what you sow! Sweetie, may you find peace and love. You do deserve so much more, you need to demand it! This is a learning lessen, next time you won’t put up with any crap. Kick em’ to the curb early and set your goals and standards high! God Bless.

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64 Mike Masters July 21, 2010 at 12:19 am

Dear cheater hater.
Ahh… clearly you didn’t read the entire post and you douche with kumba ya.
This girl needs a fucking slap in the face, not love to pacify her idiocy. I told her strait and very decently and I got kicked in the balls for it. Hopefully a violent retribution from her female peers will wake her deluded ass up.
You… are no help and need step out of your own pacifying delusions.

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65 LindseyLoo July 23, 2010 at 12:41 am

I bet a few bucks that this is either the girl who originally wrote you using an alias, or a friend of the girl. She appears to be emotionally laden and highly upset siding with the girl. She needs to read the content behind the messages and not view the messages as hostile herself. It seems as if she has an hostile attributional bias towards situation such that she reads every situation as threatening.

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66 Jessy July 27, 2010 at 8:15 pm

And this post is why I love your blog and push all my girlfriends to read it!
My little sister has been is the same situation as this girl for the past 2 years and I’ve lost count of the reasons why they can’t be together just yet (all his reasons). I don’t get why people are so ready to live their lives on someone else’s terms.
I’m a big believer in you get what you ask for. If you are in a situation where someone is walking all over you it’s because you are letting them walk all over you. If you are with a guy who won’t commit to you it’s because you deep down don’t want to be commited to anyone.
And just finally, no one is in love with anyone in the above scenario. Love is soooo not like that. Great work Mr Master :)

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67 Rose August 30, 2010 at 1:19 pm

…Just re-read the title of this, and thought about it in the reverse sense. I am dating a nice guy who can be very shy. I worry because of the lack of public affection, and recently have become upset about it, and asked him if he wants me / wants to break up / would be upset if we did break up… He’s always said he does want me, that staying with me because he is a nice person wouldnt help anyone, and that he would be upset if we broke up.

I should just listen: He is with me, so he wants to be with me.

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68 Aplus September 22, 2010 at 12:33 am

And just like that the tables turn, one can be so naieve when it comes to liking someone.

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69 ifUseekAmy September 25, 2010 at 8:14 am

” I wanted to just know the difference between a wan’t and a can’t in his mind, and what might be holding him back.”

If this is what she was looking for an answer to, then gee, who should she be directing this question to??? Hmmm, maybe the man (and I’m using that term loosely here based on what I know about him from her email)? Or someone she doesn’t personally know, who doesn’t know the *man* in question? This woman wanted to hear one thing and one thing only – that she is excused in feeling/acting as she does. If she wants that whole “you’re doing the right thing and 100% entitled to feel and act the way she does” than she needs to turn to her friends. Unless, of course and I hope, her friends are telling her to grow a pair and stop her pining/whining/woe is me tale and STFU already, leave him, leave the job and get over it. Bet she’s glad I’m not her friend :)
ifUseekAmy´s last blog post ..me and my ageism

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70 smail024 October 27, 2010 at 1:40 am

I feel for the girl.

The hormones mash up your head! and that innate need to be with someone – blinds us sometimes – 6 months ago my ex ripped away the two way ambilical cord – the aftermath of the mess, confusion and loss leaves you floored – i pray she re-builds her self esteem and doesnt dig a deeper hole for herself! Aren’t we human beings wonderful! I love you all xx

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71 Mike Masters November 1, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Don’t, she needs this pain to wake up.

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72 sonia November 22, 2010 at 10:38 pm

This can happens to girls. You gave her advice, she refused to listen but she knew that you are right. Only time will make her admit that.

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73 Maria February 3, 2011 at 12:13 pm

There is nothing as deceptive as the truth. Denial is tough and stubborn shell to crack and this girl OWNS denial. Great response.

Love love love this blog, Mike, just found it and will keep reading, your past posts and future writings. Your response could not get be more true and bang on and insightful.

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74 Lini November 26, 2011 at 4:09 am

Ouch! That hurt to read.
What happened with her daddy? I want to shake her hard and then send her to emotional boot camp.
Oh, that’s right, silly me, she is too busy stalking his Facebook page right now…..
:(
Unless she has since become a woman.
Desperate Girls, who feel angry with Mike’s response, just love yourselves. Men already like you simply because you are a female. You have nothing to earn or to prove in that respect. …well, that doesn’t mean you may walk around in baggy bleach stained sweats. Ever…….. …that’s a different subject. Anyway, be the best you (and for the sake of the sexes, don’t you ever allow yourself to be a snivelling thing or a stalker. Ever!)
Be kind. Be confident. Be sweet. Be fun. Be alive! … be a woman! and you will LOVE you.(!!!) When you love you, men will love you. I guarantee it. ^-^

Funny thing is, by the time you reach that point of loving yourself, validation from that man, or men in general, won’t feel as important as breathing is to you anymore… :)
You won’t feel you need it. (Because, really, you don’t need it.)

But men’s healthy and natural attention will always be verrrry much appreciated……….. ;)

So, if you learn to truly love yourself (respect comes with that) your entire reality, personality, everything will change for the better. Then you’ll be able to have the precious give-and-receive that is *real* love with everyone you know.

Or..you can keep wasting way, riding the already too full “But He Said He Loved Me” train. Climb aboard & you will forever be a non-woman. Broken. Confused. Insecure. Never completely loved, adored, cherished, loved, protected. Etc etc. Like everything else….it’s up to you.

- Lini
((Oh, I typed wayyyy more than I thought I would!))

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75 mina December 24, 2011 at 12:32 pm

i need advice my boyfriend wont take me back n it was somethunng i saw him inbox a chick on fb still i aoligize but he said he not going to forgive me this time

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76 Pin January 12, 2014 at 8:22 pm

He didnt love her really, he found excuse after excuse maybe trying to avoid her and maintained her with words not actions. He maybe liked the attention she gave him and the free sex. She just cling to a hopeless situation. She just wanted to hear from you: ”oh, he loves you, just wait for him and eventually he will come to you” NOT. But she was way to young to listen. Wonder what happend to them.

So, eventually what comes around goes around.

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