My good friend Linda calls me a lot to ask about a guy she just started to date. She was initially really confused about this guy since he seemed so reluctant to ask her out. We sent some excellent text messages and dropped some REALLY big hints but he was oblivious. Unfortunately there were some speed bumps. For one, they were of a different race, for another they worked together, and finally he was religious (a huge sexual monkey wrench). We talked over his responses after her hints and it was really odd. He would drop interested comments like “that guy you were with, is your boyfriend?” but there it would stop. This was getting irritating since after all I AM…. THE MASTERDATER. So I decided to take the bull by the balls, “Okay, It is one of two things he is either not interested in you or too inexperienced.” I said with authority. “It is time to take a chance, make it really really clear.” The next day sent him an email saying, “call me tonight” including her number. He called a fricken week later! but now they are dating? Well kinda…
When I was in my last years of college I dated a girl named Annie. She was a really fun and we had a great time. We would go snowboarding, dancing and drinking together. She was really tomboyish and I felt very comfortable with a girl that could belch louder than I. There was only one problem, about once a week she would get really pissed at me. It was always about the same thing. “Why don’t you open the door for me? Why don’t you ever buy me anything nice? Why don’t you cuddle with me after sex? Why don’t you give me back rubs more often?? Back rubs!!?? She never offered to give me one! Open her door? A girl that belches like a horse with an ulcer wants her door opened? What game are we playing??? I soon became afraid around her. Desperately trying to read her body language to figure out what she wanted. This of course didn’t work since by the time her body language gave it away I had already fucked up. I finally got outrageously feed up with this spoiled brat and the extra 2,000 bucks on my credit card. I decided to break it off, I was so happy to be free of the most selfish girl I have ever met. Of course in retrospect I see it was more complicated than that.
Have you ever learned something profound that forced you to rewrite all of your past experiences? For example learned that a past boyfriend had a violent father or discovered that asshole boss was going through a divorce? What you originally assumed was not really the case. You felt humbled as the blocks of confusion fell into place and your vision cleared. They were not really a moron, it was because of this… That “ah hah!” moment hit me when I read the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book opened my eyes to how people perceive love. That’s it! That is why Annie was such a brat! Her father showed her love by buying and doing things for her. This was how she was programmed. When I didn’t do things for her she didn’t feel loved. The clarity was comforting but I still thought the way she needed love expressed would send my wallet screaming back to the cow it was cut from.
Annie had a ton of expectations and I frantically tried to meet them because I wanted to be with her. Since I didn’t understand her game, I was constantly losing and I finally had to stop playing. In the first story my interracial couple was having similar problems. She wants him to ask her out but he just doesn’t get it. It seems like he doesnt like her but that may not be the case. He is too inexperienced to understand my friend’s needs. So, do you hand him the above love book and say, “read this and figure out how to be a man!” Sounds like fun but sometimes you have to drop the game and explain the rules. Linda has to sit down with her boy and explain her needs. This has to be done in a non threatening way. Since as strongly as every man resists asking directions he is equally convinced he is the Masterdater. But because there can be only one, be gentle with him and tell him your needs without creating insecurities. Lead the horse to water and hopefully he will drink.
Bullets:
The first time you gave oral sex you were good? He needs some guidance too
Really inexperienced guys take more handholding but they can be trained!!
Be aware that he may just not be into you but you must take the risk to find out
Expectations suck, you cannot have them if he does not know about them
Be aware of what makes you feel loved and communicate this to him. What is clear to you may not be to him
