I love that she doesn’t put up with my bullshit

by Mike Masters on January 2, 2010

bullshit1How many times have you heard a variation of:

  • she doesn’t put up with my bullshit
  • He calls me on my shit
  • She doesn’t let me get away with things
  • He keeps me in check

Usually, when we hear a statement like this we nod sagely fondly thinking back to a partner that did the same for us but do we really understand what this statement means? What does it say about human nature, what does this say about us?

The most attractive, sweetest, generous, kindest, most wonderful, etc!! girl I have ever gone out with was a Thai stewardess. I met her in a grocery store while foraging in the frozen section. We hit it off instantly and I had to seriously bite down some insecurity to feel adequate enough to walk next to this girl. When I discovered her purity of soul matched her beauty I was even more intimidated.  It blew my mind to discover that I would eventually run away from most amazing girl I have ever met.

I don’t think had my head on at this time, which was probably why I really wasn’t well suited for this amazing girl. Deep down I really felt undeserving. About a month later I met the antithesis of this girl, she was not exceptionally attractive and her soul was as comfortably dirty as mine. On top of these traits she, “Didn’t put up with my bullshit.”

I ditched the most attractive, amazing girl I have ever met for someone angry and relatively average.

Why? There are many reasons, but this post focuses on the most crucial one; keeping someone in check and having the courage to set boundaries. My Thai stewardess lived life wearing blinders and rose colored glasses. She was a victim that expected men to treat her poorly, she would constantly set herself up for failure . The angry girl I left her for had a whole other set of problems but she set boundaries incredibly well.

The person I am seeing right now is very sharp and she allows me to bounce ideas off of her. While exploring our attraction to one another she made the statement that this post is based on, “I like how you don’t put up with my bullshit.” This statement made me think…

People push boundaries, children push boundaries, my fucking parrot pushes boundaries. It is human and animal nature to discover the limits of any relationship. Not only that but we rely on others to keep us morally in check. We are attracted to the people that make us stronger and better. We are attracted to the people that have the strength to reign in our poor behavior. And we must must must! have the courage to do the same and call them on their bullshit.

  • Getting walked on in relationships? You are probably afraid of rejection and thus create it
  • He doesn’t respect you? It is because you don’t respect yourself enough to set boundaries
  • Afraid you will lose him if you stand up for what you believe? Nothing could be further from the truth
  • It is possible to be too powerful!

Did this post make sense? Would you like me to list when and what to set boundaries with?

Don’t put up with his bullshit over the phone either!

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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jules January 2, 2010 at 9:13 am

Right on! You that beautifully!

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2 Mike Masters January 2, 2010 at 6:31 pm

I would like to interpret that comment as self serving as possible.

Thank you, yes I am beautiful.
or
Thank you, I like to write.

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3 Bonita May 16, 2010 at 7:47 am

Hilarious! Thanks for that!

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4 T January 2, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Yes, Mike, YES!

I love this post! My bf and I were just having this discussion last night. He was saying that he loves that I let him know when he’s being an ass. However, he admitted, he likes the way I do this. He said that he doesn’t feel as if I’m condescending. In that way, he learns from the experience rather than reacting to it. He does the same to me. He’s so gentle and honest.

I love it.

Great post honey!
.-= T´s last blog ..Happy 2010/Birthday: The Night in Pics =-.

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5 Mike Masters January 2, 2010 at 6:38 pm

To get a thumbs up from a great writer like yourself feels excellent. Thank you T!
I like what you added too, it is not just about joking around and hinting at someones bad behavior but it is about communication.
I think many of us don’t communicate because we are afraid of what we might lose. It is like playing black jack without any money. No risk, no payout.

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6 Elissa January 2, 2010 at 2:09 pm

So were my answer’s correct? Did i get an A?
.-= Elissa´s last blog ..Goodbye 2009 =-.

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7 Mike Masters January 2, 2010 at 6:39 pm

You always get a thumbs up!
thanks for interacting with me the other day, so did I get an A? do you see where I am coming from?

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8 Jaime January 2, 2010 at 7:40 pm

Nicely done mike.
This reminds me of the conversation we has while on the hwy after the bike “malfunction”.
This was a huge reason Shaun and I worked so well, I met an equal and when I pulled a little “Shit Fit” he called me out on it… It was refreshing and attractive because I had found an equal.

Good topic!

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9 Mike Masters January 2, 2010 at 8:55 pm

Thanks Jaime!
Good to see you here. Isn’t it amazing when someone has the strength?
I love it too, gives me wood.

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10 Natalie January 2, 2010 at 7:57 pm

This post makes sense, but I think many people confuse setting boundaries with putting up emotional walls.
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..two things i did this weekend, and facebook musings =-.

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11 Mike Masters January 2, 2010 at 8:51 pm

excellent point, walls are totally different and usually get poor results

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12 Tammy January 2, 2010 at 8:06 pm

I think you are correct in the fact that we only put up with less if that is what we feel we deserve. When one becomes secure in their own right to have someone treat them well, then they won’t put up with someone who doesn’t treat them well. In other words, they won’t put up with bullshit. Either that or they are bitter and jaded and don’t give a shit if they piss off the other persons by calling them on their behavior because they either want someone they can control or they want to get rid of them.

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13 Mike Masters January 2, 2010 at 8:53 pm

I often date the angry girl not afraid to set boundaries but they were usually unfair ones. I mistakenly found this attractive. Oops…

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14 Dating Diva January 2, 2010 at 9:14 pm

haha, how many times have I told you I get so hot for the guys who can keep me in check? It is so true.
.-= Dating Diva´s last blog ..Dating Stories: Too Much PDA =-.

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15 Mike Masters January 2, 2010 at 9:24 pm

That’s why you like me, huh?

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16 Dating Diva January 5, 2010 at 5:11 am

Well you mean besides the lisp and bad highlights? ha!

Well I do think it is one of the reasons why we are good friends–you totally call me out on stuff. I prefer friends like that than ones who just yes you to death. xo
.-= Dating Diva´s last blog ..When is it OK to Lie on my Dating Profile? =-.

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17 Lifebeginsat30ty January 3, 2010 at 9:06 am

What a great post! I totally agree with finding someone who will set boundaries as attractive. But I will also lose respect for someone who wont. If someone just let’s me run all over them, I just lose interest. But it also has to be done in a good way; like a previous commenter said. This is definitely on my list of what I’d like to have in a future partner!

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18 Mike Masters January 3, 2010 at 9:12 am

Thanks!
Curious as to what you think is a good way?

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19 Lifebeginsat30ty January 3, 2010 at 12:29 pm

In a way that is considerate of the other person, I guess. Not in an angry/bitchy/defensive way. Does that make sense?

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20 Olivia January 6, 2010 at 9:52 am

Okay, I realize I totally need assistance understanding this. This article made me realize I am completely missing something in the dating game and it has probably bitten me in the butt many times without me realizing it…

What is “bullshit” in a relationship and why would anyone want to give it to someone they liked? In the same vein I never understood the pushing boundaries thing, even as a child. This doesn’t mean I am passive, I am usually the dominant one in my relationships, but now I wonder, have I failed some “tests” with guys that I didn’t even know were going on?

So, I guess my main questions are:
1. What is “bullshit” in this context, being mean? Ignoring the other person?
2. If you genuinely like somebody, doesn’t it really bother you to hurt them?
3. If the person you liked pulled BS with you, why would you want any more to do with them?
4. What is “not taking” BS? What does that even look like?

I would love to read a scenario with a guy pulling BS with a girl, and her “not taking it.”

I realize that this whole question sounds completely ridiculous, but this seriously is completely foreign to me. Help all of the Thai stewardesses out there!

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21 Mike Masters January 6, 2010 at 10:25 am

Very simple, BS is when you or the other person “try to get away with something”
So for example the first time your boyfriend asks you to fetch him a beer while he is watching TV. The Thai stewardess would say, “sure honey” but feel a little bad about it. My angry ex would say, “get the fuck up and get it yourself” and feel fine about it.
Now this doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t get something for a girl if she asked me for it. However if she asked me in the first month of dating I might be hesitant. This is because the lines and boundaries of any relationship are being forged at that time and people tend to push those lines, the pushing is the bullshit.
Another example, the girl I am dating right now is very very tough and is used to getting away with relationship murder. This makes her feel a bit bored since she is able to walk on every guy she see. I am fascinating for her because she can’t do it with me, I refuse to put up with her bratty inner child.
Quick example:
I am over at her place and we are talking at the kitchen table. She gets a phone call and launches into a long conversation with her friend about her ex. I get up, grab my coat and head for the door. “Where are you going?” she says covering the phone, “going home, you look busy on the phone” She immediately hangs up and tries to plead her case. I didn’t bother to argue, I had just called her on her bullshit and she knew it.
Understand?

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22 thomas January 6, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Well the first thing that comes to mind is it is quite natural for humans to associate ourselves with others who are below us. It is a way to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

Although, there are few people out there that strive to associate themselves with people above them as a way to learn from them and become them.

Another thing interesting about this post is that we begin to appreciate the good things once we have seen the other side.
.-= thomas´s last blog ..Celebrities are puppets to corporations =-.

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23 Kelli January 12, 2010 at 4:26 pm

I’d like to know more about the type of boundaries. I’m typically the type to be laid back, so this would be informative.
.-= Kelli´s last blog ..Bamenda Tote =-.

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24 Mike Masters January 12, 2010 at 5:25 pm

I will be writing about boundaries again soon. I think they are extremely important.

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25 Olivia January 12, 2010 at 6:43 pm

Thanks Mike! That response was totally helpful. (Though it makes me a little sad that people push those that they are supposed to be behind.)

My next questions are along the lines of…if we are always maintaining boundaries with those that we are with, when do you act “sweet”, “adoring” etc… (I am also bad with that stuff.) I sound like Data.

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26 Mike Masters January 13, 2010 at 10:35 am

I think it is very simple, you let the guy take the lead.
Since the guy is most likely to bail out of the relationship on an emotional whim. It makes sense to let him take the first steps in the emotional direction.

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27 Fiona March 4, 2010 at 1:46 am

This is really interesting and good stuff. It all ring so true. Any tips on handling these scenarios better and setting boundaries? I was raised to be so nice and polite this doesn’t come naturally and is ruining my love life! lol I am the Thai woman! Although not literally because I am English!

Thanks,

Fiona

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28 No BS April 9, 2010 at 12:37 pm

I just had a situation where I called a man I was dating on his bullshit. He was making some lame excuse about why he had not been calling, we are not exclusive so it really was no big deal. Then I found out he was lying about having to go out of town for work (when he was really going on another date). I told him

“You owe me no explanation, we are both adults and can date who we want to date. However, I will not tolerate a man who lies to me, it is unacceptable and disrespectful. I informed him that when a man lies to me the first time, it will also be the last time. I wished him the best and good luck”.

Now he will probably be all over me, but it’s too late. A man without integrity is a man who will never have my heart, nor deserve it. He is a boy amongst men.

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29 Danny November 15, 2010 at 8:30 am

Sir mike I understand how seting boundaries is a key point to having a partner repect you. I can honestly say I haven’t done that but know it geting to a point wer she’s geting to me and I’m geting over her do to the fact that I didn’t set thos boundaries now she walks all over me and I’m starting to not care about wat she does and I’m eager to start seting boundaries . How do you go about starting to set them…?

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30 Danny November 15, 2010 at 8:39 am

I guess I’m takin the emotion out of the situation and starting to think more clear and I’m starting to feall like I deserve better.I’m pritty much geting in touch with my self and starting to think greater of myself she does treat me like shit but only couse I let her but like I said know Im starting to get angry and think that I’m a great person and I don’t deserve this. So I’m ready to start seting some boundaries and If she can’t respect them then I don’t want to be with.her so how do I start setting those boundaries and leting her know that I’m not Gona put up with her bullshit eny longer?

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31 Barbara - inspired girl April 24, 2013 at 7:13 am

LOVE this! so true =) On the surface, sometimes it seems like my husband just wants me to do what he wants in the moment. But I know that in the long run, he is so grateful that I don’t put up with his ‘shit’ and that I stick up for myself, and call him forward to meet me halfway! It preserves the life of our relationship. If I didn’t do that, he would get bored, and I would wind up resentful, and one or both of us would leave!

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