His secret dating profile
Hi there…I’m stumped and need some advice. Short story-my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. He’s 33, I’m 30-he has 2 daughters (two different women) that are almost 10. They already call me their ’step-mommy’ and love me to death. His family talks to me more than they talk to him. Him and I are very much in love. We’re one another’s best friends. Lately though I feel like he’s being weird. I found a profile on a dating Web site that he put up there.
A friend of mine caught it.. I confronted him and went ballistic..since then it’s been touch & go. He said it was a joke and started laughing. Like he got off on me being jealous or thinking he was cheating on me. He said it was just an ego boost. Wtf?
He’s not been doing so well career-wise lately and I keep soaring in mine. Sometimes I think he feels inferior to me. Anyhow, I just gave myself some distance from him over it b/c at the end of the day, I know “guys will be guys,”, right?
This past weekend we were together and he told me that he is just so stressed and yada yada. He said that he loved me so much and all he wants is to marry me.
Well, financially, he cannot afford a wedding right now…or a ring. Today he sent me a message and said that all he thinks about is marriage, 24/7. I guess some friends of his have been telling him that if he doesn’t get it together soon, I’m out. I’m too much of a good thing to just keep waiting around..someone else will snag me up.
I guess my question is, what is going on? Is he really stressed about paying for marriage and if so, then what’s with the “ego” boost crap? I’m sure it’s as simple as, “Do I still have it..” kind of crap, but..c’mon, to know us is to know how much we actual are in love. We’ve had our roller coaster rides, but who hasn’t? That’s what’s makes it real. He acts ‘hard’ sometimes, but is the biggest teddy bear I’ve ever met. I don’t talk about marriage b/c I don’t want him to feel pressure, but he talks about it… a lot. What’s going on with him? Is he serious about marriage? Is he freaking out and on a road to calling it quits? What gives?
….ok that’s all for now 
Thanks so much!
I really want to slap both of you! but I would have to slap myself since I have been caught up in this type of mess more than once.
You hit so may triggers here I don’t know where to start!! Big sigh… I guess at the biggest and messiest.
“I found a profile on a dating Web site that he put up there.”
If you found an open condom wrapper in his office/car and he gave you the excuse, “I only like to put them on” or how about a friend of mine who’s girlfriend found Viagra pills in his travel toiletries bag, his excuse was, “They’re for us honey,” yeah… were you on that business trip too?? Have you ever here the song, “It wasn’t me” by Shaggy? I hate to say it but it illustrates beautifully people’s amazing ability to look the other way rather than lose what they desire.
You are facing a smoking gun here, just because there isn’t a dead body doesn’t mean he didn’t kill someone or had the intention of killing someone. Next time this happens, create your own profile, contact him and see for yourself that he had every intention of cheating.
“Sometimes I think he feels inferior to me”
DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER! This is the death knoll of almost any relationship, I hate to say it but men can’t handle being perceived as the weak link in the relationship. Most men need to be the provider, and if they cannot they consider themselves a failure as a man. The only way to circumvent this is talk to him about his fears and insecurities. Then as a team discover what is best to do and feel. Unfortunately, he probably would rather ask directions, in his home town, from an old woman, than go this route. What he will do instead is, sabotage the relationship to remove himself from something he finds excruciating.
“Today he sent me a message and said that all he thinks about is marriage, 24/7”
Suddenly he is so pro-relationship?? That should have raised an eyebrow or two! The reason he is this way is because he is feeling like he is going to lose something huge. I mentioned this tendency in my post, The top ten signs the bastard is cheating on you. It is a fluctuation of hot and cold while he drifts back and forth from two contradictory desires in life. I think this is what you are currently experiencing with his mood swings.
I could make this a 10 page post analyzing all of his behavior but lets cut to the chase. What is going on and what to do about it??
First a few observations:
I think it is fair that you went ballistic after the online profile thing. At the same time I don’t think you are listening to what he is really communicating. I think you are focused on a specific outcome and are experiencing selective comprehension.
I also sense that you are a very strong woman that usually gets what she wants or makes it happen. This is not going to work in this case, and he probably is encouraging a relationship cancer subconsciously in order to escape. (Cowardly but understandable)
So the problem appears to be that he is in a state of cataplexy! He cannot communicate his true desires out of a massive fear of you and the situation. This means that he really truly does not know what he wants because there is too much pressure on him. Also, lets not forget that because he is a pleaser he is swayed heavily by your needs.
What to do?
The only answer is to remove yourself and your needs from the equation. He will never be able to give you a strait answer in the face of his fear of failing you, family, and friends. You must remove pressure from him if you want to get an honest answer.
Even if he freaks out and says he needs you back you must not give in. It will be much better in the long run for him to really feel it rather than just missing your warm spot in his bed. Give him and yourself a break , a month might be long enough for both of you to screw your sanity back on.
I know this sounds drastic but which is worse: taking a break, or getting married to a man that is currently trying to destroy the relationship?
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
You are so smart, Mike. I would have just said: Run! Putting up an on-line profile?!? Someone is just itching to get out of that relationship. Or no, stay in the relationship and get a little something on the side. I agree, she needs to leave and let him know that behavior is not acceptable. Maybe separating herself from him a bit will give her a better perspective on the situation too.
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Tuesday Truths: Black Tables
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I am so smart!?
I love comments like that. Going to give you a big thumbs up. I think I was intoxicated when I wrote that post. Wasn’t sure what I was going to come out.
Well don’t let it go to your head now
You should write intoxicated more often, lol.
Although now that I’ve read Princess T’s comments, I am leaning her way. This guy is just throwing red flags all over the place! But at the same time, we don’t really know the whole situation. But I think her letting him sweep something like that under the rug, without bigger consequences, is a mistake. I myself would have at least left for a few days when I initially found out. I wish her luck.
lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Tuesday Truths: Black Tables
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This post relates directly to the entire purpose and message of the blog and that is taking personal responsibility for everything we receive in life.
I think this is a difficult if not impossible concept for most people to wrap their heads around. Yet I will keep sending the message out until it takes root!
Who is responsible this situation? If I am giving her advice 100% hers, If I were giving him advice 100% his. Blaming and being a victim of circumstance is 100% useless. Not taking 100% responsibility for any and all situation only increases what is not desired.
Lets say the woman here takes home the message that he is a bastard, she needs to leave him and be more vigilant towards men in the future. Will that truly improve her situation? Or will she like a racist see reasons to hate and distrust in any and all, thereby creating what she desires and expects to see.
There is no right, there is no wrong, there is only responsibility for what we create.
No, I’m not saying she is a 100% the victim or to blame. But if she was to just stay with him and pretend like nothing happened, I don’t think that’s right either. In the best case scenario, they would be in a situation where she could communicate to him honestly how much him making a profile upset her. And he would be able to tell her why he did it and why he’s suddenly on the marriage stick. Based on her letter, I see two people who are not communicating with each other about what they need from the other.
Whether he is a bastard, we will never know. What matters is that she feels that something is not right/that she is not being treated right and needs to communicate that in some way.
lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Tuesday Truths: Black Tables
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oh no..
Don’t get me wrong, I totally think he is a bastard and a coward and the communication sucks.
What I find unacceptable is to think that what is external has nothing to do with you.
Gonna go take a nap now.
Still sick!
Ya I’m going to be brutally honest, but even from cyberspace I can see that this guy is a DOG! Red flag waving, siren wailing type of guy… RUN! If you’re too much of a good thing and think some other guy with “snag” (whatever that’s supposed to me) you up, then what are you doing spending five years with a guy like that?! What does this guy have going for him? Two children from two previous women, no money, a career that’s going nowhere, and he’s a lying cheating bastard to boot! When a guy puts up an online profile, it’s not a joke! When he says he needs an ego boost, that’s serious! Next thing you know, he’ll be sleeping with other girls as an ego boost (although he probably already has/is… ). His ego is more important than you and your relationship – what does that tell you? And suddenly he’s talking about marriage? PPUUHHHLLLEEAASSSSEEEEE – OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK! “I really want to marry you… I just can’t afford it right now baby…. But it’s all I can think about honest!” That’s right up there with “I really didn’t mean to hit you, it just happened. I’m so stressed, it’ll never happen again. I really do love you and I’d never want to hurt you, honest!”
Never listen to what men say – their actions speak louder than their words. Just get out and find yourself a real man!
Princess T´s last blog ..Friends with Benefits
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Jeez, tell me how you really feel!
I can’t help but point out, people choose the partners they are with for a very good reason. She is not as much of a victim as she might appear to be.
Since the only person you really have power over is yourself, I don’t like to condemning advice. I believe the true power is in changing yourself so that you wont ever find yourself in that kind of situation again.
And sometimes people choose the partners they are with for very bad reasons. Doesn’t change the fact that he’s a dog.
Ok ok, I admit I’ve never been in this situation before, so I can’t have all that level headed empathy… and I’m not generally very good with empathy anyway. So I apologise for being as subtle as a jack hammer. It just makes me angry when women excuse this sort of behaviour. But whatever… it’s her life not mine.
All I know is what I would do in that situation…
Princess T´s last blog ..Friends with Benefits
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“I apologize for being as subtle as a jack hammer. It just makes me angry when women excuse this sort of behavior.”
Don’t apologize! This is why I write my blog.
but I don’t understand what you mean? It makes you mad when women excuse this behavior? I totally agree!! but why be angry at the guy? It is her that is not acting, her that is purposely ignoring. Why not be angry and frustrated at her?????
Haha that is precisely who I AM angry and frustrated with!
Yes he’s a total jerk and what he did was awful. BUT we all decide for ourselves how we are going to be treated, and her question screams ‘I’m going to LET this guy treat me like crap because I don’t want to leave him’ and that kind of attitude makes me angry! I don’t know why, it just does! My rant had nothing to do with the guy, who cares if he’s a jerk… It’s her perspective on the situation that just boggles my mind!
PrincessT´s last blog ..Friends with Benefits
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Her perspective is based on an outcome she is not willing to give up.
I could talk a long time about the contradiction of the mind and why it creates situations like this.
Lets just say that her rational mind and her unconscious animal mind have two different agendas.
This is usually why men and women but heads in the first place. and why we can’t seem to stick to a diet!
Why does it make you mad? because you see a reflection of your past in it?
Mike Masters´s last blog ..How to use a DIG to create massive attraction
I hear what you’re saying, and I don’t know why it makes me angry… actually people who can’t stick to diets make me angry too! Haha I think you’d need a team of psychiatrists analyzing me full time for the rest of my life to sort out my issues there because it has nothing to do with a reflection of myself or my past. I’ve always been able to walk away (from the boyfriend or the chocolate cake… and I LOVE chocolate cake…), not matter how hard it was. AND all my past boyfriends were lovely and never did anything bad to me which made leaving them even harder, but I did it because I knew I didn’t want to settle for a relationship that was just acceptable, or average, or ok for now but…
So I have no answers… it’s completely irrational. I should probably work on that.
Back to the point, she should still leave him.
PrincessT´s last blog ..Friends with Benefits
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Wow this sounds awfully familiar. For a minute I thought you were pretending I wrote you a letter! All I know is I heard the same exact excuses when the online profile was found…and I did just what you suggested and found out he had every intention of cheating on me. So my advice to this girl is to leave this guy because she deserves better.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..When You Wish Upon a Star…
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Hey!
Glad to here that you back up my assumption.
No guy spends 2 hours + on a profile (and pays for it!) if he is just flexing his flirtation muscles. He has every intention of laying pipe!
Speaking of laying pipe, how did your date go DD?
Agreed…creating a profile is WAY too much work unless he was serious about finding girls to hook up with. I feel sorry for the girls emailing him on the site…THAT’s going to be disappointing.
And I agree about not being the victim and taking responsibility. I know it’s 5 years of investment in someone, but is it really worth it to “stick it out” when you are wondering the whole time if he is cheating?? I don’t get it. Time to move on, because he doesn’t know what he wants.
Sigh.
Kelly Seal´s last blog ..Should women date (much) older men?
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I love your commenters so much – I’m considering becoming one myself. Seriously though, loving your work. And thanks for the #FF today.
Fishy´s last blog ..Something Fishy in the Newspaper
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Thanks Fishy!
My pleasure, I have head about you a few times and seen you on DD’s blog.
Hope we can work together sometime.