This is a question I answered from the awesome Tina Tobin’s site http://luvemorleavem.com/
I think this was a killer question and one that ALL of us have suffered from or are suffering from. Don’t miss one…
Posted By: Brian
Dating > 3 yrs, 29-35 yrs
Where do you begin? 3.5 years of waves, both passionate and loving beyond measure and more heart damaging than jagged oceanic outcroppings. I cannot force myself to not love her and our almost 7 month old son is very precious to me. My background: German, mom and dad issues, college educated, good job, no drugs ( psychopharmicueticals) or alcohol abuse for over 12 years, went to prison over a girl at 18.
Her background: italian/lebanese, dad issues, previous rave drugs, heroine/cocaine/alcohol abuse to December 2009 (I honestly did not know until I found Pandora’s bag), escort to age 33 (I was already in love when she told me about her job), very sweet yet has the art of verbal samurai swords. I took care of my girl throughout the pregnancy and stood behind her, even taking her to the methadone clinic 4am every morning (did not know about that either) Until her mom stepped in towards the end of the pregnancy and bought her a house (and herself away from husband no 2) as I guess the one I got was not good enough or affluent enough. Stuff went further down hill from there.
The springer court drama started, $$, we got back together when the mom started going back to another part of the state w the husband, crappy agreement was created where her mother would get sole custody, I fought it, stopped communication with her and at least have 3 hours a week (supervised by her mother) and it is ongoing to November 2011. We recently started talking again, very positive, things much clearer to each other etc. But all hell broke loose again after I texted the mom about how my little guy was (apparently it is a secret that my son goes with them every weekend leaving her to do whatever).
It has been volatile and loving. I don’t want to give up on us at least having a friendship (she says she at least wanted that). I am so lost and just want to be a good dad (parenting classes and everything by the way). I mean just this past weekend we talked sensibly for many hours, worked out together and when I just grabbed her and held her close she squeezed me as if never wanting to let go and told me how she felt so safe and secure in my arms (her thing to say). Yes, dummy, dummy, we kissed passionately. We are not supposed to talk to each other per each of our lawyers and I am sure her mother. It was just October and November that we lie entangled telling each other how much we wanted a slice of normal and how perfect it felt to have our son soundly sleeping near us.
We only got through a few couples counseling sessions before all communication ended in December and that was nuts. The counselor did say we were text book and she the attacker I the defender. If only Yoda had said it more eloquently. I am not entirely dumb as I know things were not perfect between us and there would be a lot of hard work keeping things going especially with her severe trust issues and insecurity with any man. The mom is something too. Hell she argued with me about taking out the trash for instance. It was full and I was going outside so I started to take it out, yikes she ended up getting between the can and I and taking out the trash. And yes she practically lives with her daughter throughout the week hours from her husband. She didn’t even want me to use my skills and tools to fix things, but would waste money on a stranger handyman. I know she is part of the problem and is factually funding the legal tirade as well as started it. My ex does not know pluck about the law whereas that is where my studies lie as well as forensics. I am going to continue to fight to be a dad, but do I continue trying to fight for my love? She is quite barricaded on this chessboard of insanity. She would rather self destruct than move forward and think for herself it seems and certainly the controlling, gold digger mother in law is not helping. Lost is an understatement of what I feel and the loss I feel for my little guy is unbearable. I went to every one of his appointments while inside the womb and have not so much as known who the pediatrician is since his birth. I could go on with this missive and certainly apologize, so will end. Hit me where it hurts if you need to. Be honest.
Mike Masters says:
Okay, there are so many things going on here that I could write about 2000 plus words on it, but I need to keep it short.
First before I continue, start here, it is a blog post I wrote a while ago. http://www.mikethemasterdater.com/breakup/the-relationship-is-50-wonderful-50-nightmare-get-out/
For other people reading, that may not want to jump over, simply put, Even if the relationship is 50% incredible, you deserve more. I don’t believe that anyone can find 100% perfect (that would be boring) but they can certainly find 80%!
Oh lord… What a mess, and you are tethered to this mess. However there really is only one tether and that is your son. The other tether is one of sickness and that sickness is on your part.
I am not being an asshole when I say to you, “sorry I don’t believe for a second that you didn’t know about her drug issues or her employment.” You may not have known exact details but there where many clues and you looked the other way. Even now you are trying to convince us, and yourself that you got blindsided by this succubus. Horseshit… You do it, I do it, and the reader does it. We lie to ourselves to justify our poor choices in life. I apologize for hitting you over the head but neither of us has time for me to be polite.
So I ask you, why did you choose her, why are you still choosing her? Is she really the kind of person that will lift your life up? Let’s reiterate:
• Drug addict
• Ex Escort
• Very dishonest (it’s not your son)
• Very emotionally unstable
• An attacker (samurai swords)
• Manipulative (yes I added that but we both know it is very true)
• Rooted in her training as a Sith lord (her mother being the Emperor)
Okay, now that I have defined that she is human cancer what the f*ck are you thinking? Do you honestly ever think this tumor will metastasize into something positive? EVER!?? Unless, there is a major life change (like cancer, or her joining an aggressive cult) she will never change. So, now I know you agree with me, let me ask you a question. Why, do you continue to think in any way shape or form that you can change the situation?
I just talked to a friend of mine today over a very similar situation, I said to her, “Ti, why are you standing in the middle of the road? You can’t have it both ways, make a fucking choice and remove the fucking stress!” She understood, now I am asking YOU to make a choice. Stand on the side of the road that has no cancer.
Why do you feel a resistance to this? Because like I said before, the dysfunction started with you. There are no innocents, if I get punched in the face in a bar, 99 times out of a 100 I did something that brought it to me. You got a relationship punch in the face, and you will continue to receive this punch until you learn why you keep getting punched.
I don’t really have the time to tell you all the phycology behind why we do what we do but I will bullet a few.
• You have negative sexual tension with her, which makes the bad, sexy
• You are satisfying the fixer in yourself, which of course needs something broken.
• You are partially using the connection with your son to keep a connection with your cancer
• Like a bad child your ex is in a pattern with you, one of, “I’ll be bad, now you give me the attention.”
• The crazy girl is exciting but not healthy, now put down the candy bar and eat some spinach.
I could go into more detail but you would have to hire me for that.
Recap: Keep the connection with your son, you love him, he needs you BUT limit your contact with his mother and her mother to as great a degree as possible. If this cannot be done, I hate to say it; you might need to choose yourself over your son. As a child I only saw my true father, once a year and I was raised by a very good stepfather. I now have an excellent relationship with my real father, even though my father chose to start a new one.