About 10 years ago my Japanese teacher from America came to visit Japan to see her family. She was average cute, married, 6 years older than me, but had an attractive body. She came over to my house one day and we got a bit drunk, to my surprise she asked me if I had any pornography. I said in Tequila excitement, “Fuck yeah I do, I am a guy!” so I played a little bit on the computer and she didn’t seem all that excited. Then she took another shot of tequila and said, “Do you have any rape porn?” My eyebrows raised in surprise and my thoughts went to a Japanese vid I had downloaded and couldn’t figure out if it was real or not. It was so intense that I felt guilty owning it. (I have since found out the Japanese are masters at false rape porn)
This video clearly struck a cord in Hitomi and she was riveted and I was riveted to her. I asked her to stand up and she did so while still watching, she didn’t even flinch when I reached up her dress and pulled her underwear down. Ten minutes later we were having rough hair pulling, ass slapping, nipple biting sex. Hitomi was fantastic in bed and we devoured each other for over half the night.
The next day I was elated, I had finally had sex with a woman I had been obsessed with for 3 years. Not only that but I had shown her such a good time that undoubtedly she would be back in my bed soon. But I was wrong.
The next couple of weeks were incredibly frustrating, she kept dodging my calls, and avoiding my texts. I remember this feeling hitting a crescendo when I saw her out with a Japanese guy (who I found out later was her boyfriend) “Fuck!” I said and I punched the wall expecting to hit concrete. Instead putting my hand through the thin Japanese drywall. My Japanese roomy looked at me a bit like he was ready to bolt or call the police.
That night I got quite drunk with a friend who finally opened my eyes. “Mike, I hate to break it to you but Hitomi is not that great.” I looked away pissy. “She got some fucked up teeth, she isn’t all that pretty, she is as flat as a boy, she looks really old, she is dishonest not only with her husband but with her boyfriend, and she really isn’t all that interesting. Although, the whole rape porn bit bumps her up a notch.” He looked at me to see if this was sinking in at all, while I wallowed in my 8th beer. “Mike, wake up! What the fuck are you thinking, she isn’t even worth being friends with!!??”
It took a while, probably about a month but I did finally get over Hitomi. I did so by really pulling the situation apart and seeing what was going on. Something that I was completely clueless about in my lustful obsessed state.
First: There was oodles of sexual tension (not so positive)
- She was my professor
- She was married
- I hated her husband
- She had a boyfriend in Japan
- We flirted for years without acting on it
- She liked porn and deviant porn at that!
- She was dishonest, therefore dangerous, therefore exciting
- She didn’t reciprocate my feelings, which made me chase her more
Next: What I refused to see because I was obsessed
- She really wasn’t very physically attractive
- She really wasn’t a very good person
- She was mildly interesting at best
- She was a liar, an unacceptable trait
- She was a cheater
- She had a boyfriend and a husband, which made me a liar by having sex with her
- She was mildly nuts, something I knew from day one
- Oh, oh, oh almost forgot. She had really bad B.O., and terrible breath! WTF eh?
After pulling this all apart I realized that I was driven by negative attraction to someone that wasn’t even worth my time. This is one of the strangest things about attraction, it is often ridiculous in it’s demands. If I had met Hitomi in a cafe somewhere I would have been repulsed by her but because the testicles of my animal mind got stroked by the inappropriate, I did something stupid.
When I finally got my head back on, Hitomi sensed it and I got a text, “Got any more interesting videos?” I happily responded, “Nope!” and felt all the power she had taken (I had given) flow back into me. Then I looked up at the hand sized hole in the wall and shook my head in disbelief, how could I have been so blind?
(Hey, before I get any crazy comments about rape porn, I don’t look for it, I don’t like it and I think rapists should be castrated. I was more interested in the fact that Hitomi was captured by it, tell me that isn’t interesting)