bi-polar bear
Erin was wonderful except when she wasn’t
God it was so good with Erin. I have never been so in love or felt such a connection. We were both in our early 20’s and I was sure that I had found the person I was going to be with the rest of my life. We lived together for over a year, practicing for marriage. It was a like a 1950’s black and white drama as we gardened for hours and laughed over a burnt recipe. The sweet sappiness was what I had always wanted in a relationship, except… when it was bad. I should have seen the signs right away but my need for this fantasy blinded me. In the first month we dated I was late to pick her up from her apartment one evening. The reason being that I was picking up flowers and ice cream for her. The door was open but the lights off “Erin?” I said as I cracked the door. I could hear muffled crying “go away.” She said into her pillow. “Honey what’s wrong?” I said, patiently listening as she cried, she admitted that because I was late I was just like everyone else. I didn’t want to be with her or I was with another girl. The ice cream and flowers righteously explained my case but that night was a precursor to many many sleepless nights holding sobbing Erin. It broke my heart that all of my efforts to fix her only made things worse. I gave up after about two years of effort and spent an entire year recovering from misplaced guilt.
The fix it gene
I was born with the ability to fix about anything. Just last week I took apart my mothers iTouch and replaced the digitizer, didn’t know I could do that! I started fixing VCRs when I was 12 (remember those?) and I rebuilt my first motorcycle engine when I was 18. Later I moved on to cars and finally, my truck. I loved my old Scout truck, I put the engine in it myself, redid all the electricals and put in a transmission that weighed more than a Prius. I was so proud when the truck roared down the street on tires that could flatten a child; it was wonderful but of course that was not always the case. I spent hundreds of grease covered hours under the hood of that beast, constantly addressing one new problem after another. Only the love of that car kept me going. One day when moving my stuff from UC Davis back to Santa Barbara the inevitable happened. CRACK!! DUK DUK DUK DUK DUK BOOOOOMM!!! I white knuckled the steering wheel as a chunk of the engine shot out the side of my truck! Yelling “Holy shit!!” I muscled the truck to the side of the road since the power steering and brakes died with the engine. My lovely scout was dead and all the work I had done went with it.
50% wonderful is not enough
Relationships take resources and work. Some demand serious time to understand one another, others demand a constant patching of the same issues. I was only 20 when I had the Scout and I didn’t have the resources to keep it going. It was a losing battle the day I bought it. My relationship with the Scout and with Erin taught me a tremendous amount which I would not take back. Because of them I made much wiser choices in the future, determined that I would not repeat past mistakes. The Scout could have been fixed but of course broken people are more permanent. Erin was broken in a way that I couldn’t fix. Nothing I did would bring health to the relationship I loved so much. 50% of the time it was wonderful the other 50% of the time it was hell. I don’t care how much you want something to work it does not equate that it will.
Good sucks
Good is one of the most dangerous states in existence, it keeps you just comfortable enough to not pursue great. You might believe that you can make good into great but it is rarely the case. People just don’t change (or it is EXTREMELY rare!!). Tell yourself, from this point on that 50% wonderful is not enough! The other 50% bad will tax your resources to a degree that will leave you broken down with me and my Scout.
- Don’t ignore the bad because of the good
- Good is a four letter word
- YOU CAN’T FIX THEM…
- You are not a bad person for leaving
- Let someone else deal with thier problems, you want something better
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I agree with you! I spent 8 years trying to keep someone who was broken happy. Every time I was able to fix the primary cause of his angst he came up with a new one shortly after. I finally deduced that he had to have this state of unhappiness to feel normal. He couldn’t take being happy and satisfied. It was CONSTANT work in that relationship and it drained me……..mind, body, and soal. I thankfully moved on even though it was hard (years of wondering what I could do to make it work and beating myself up over it) but now I can see that I did all I could and that he was the one who was broken. Like a fine china vase that had been broken and glued back together, he would never be fixed completely. Today I have a relationship that is easy. I don’t think a relationship has to be hard work to be good. When there is a common bond and understanding and caring it’s really quite easy. There is respect and good conversation along with love. Even silence is not uneasy for me now because I know it is what it is, just quiet. In my old relationship silence ment anger and I would wait for the inevitable blow up to follow. Now I just enjoy the peace.
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@Tammy So glad you found the peace that everyone deserves! Oh and thank you again for writing to Glamor magazine about me. How cool is Tammy!? She writes Glamor to suggest that I should be the replacement for their current relationship adviser!
So you do have a domestic side! I was beginning to wonder, what with your globe-trotting and swinging single ways.
In all seriousness, though, there’s truth here–we often get it in our heads that some how we can fix or change others, but we can’t. And it isn’t our responsibility to fix them. So no matter how good the good times, if the bad times are beyond doing anything about or overlooking–outta there!! Makes me thankful to have found a good balanced, healthy man who complements me (and I him) and even more thankful that I had the guts to hang on to him. It’s just too easy to believe that good is good enough, or that (even worse) we don’t deserve wonderful when we find it.
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@Sarah Thanks for the comment! Yes somewhere buried deep is someone who likes to garden.
So, so true. Many people are plagued with the “fix it gene.” There’s a nonchalant gene that must balance it out. Dr. Laura points out that men (among their numerous downsides) are more likely to let things go than spend a week, month a decade brooding over someone else’s problem. We’ve all known a “scorned” woman. My advice on the heels of this post would be to echo your sentiments: let people be. They will change when they’re damn good and ready or when life corners them into a new reality. Great post Mike!
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@Casey Amen brother!!
How do you know, Mike? How do you know if it’s good, great or your own inability to be satisfied? Life is hard.
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@Jillian The last thing you said tells me that you might be the limiting factor to great. You can never reach it if you don’t have yourself figured out first. Maybe that is why I am not married yet!
This post hits home more than ever! For years, I attempted to carry on relationships with “wounded” men, just waiting…and waiting…to “fix” them. I’d desperately come to their aid; morning, noon, and night. The more I attempted to lend a helping hand, the more I got rejected, emotionally AND physically, and even got myself DUMPED in an effort to make their life “all better.” =(
Finally, after a few years of marriage, it just recently began to hit me. YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE! My husband began telling me this when we first started dating, and I never really “mentally registered” his suggestions until now. He explained to me that people need to be personally ready, willing, and able to make those changes within themselves.
I must say that this is, by far, the most difficult lesson I’ve ever had to learn. It’s still a difficult practice for me. I struggle with WHY old friendships have “died off,” how one is just supposed to “watch the train wreck” in someone’s family life as the solution to the issue is glaring them straight in the eye, and so on. I just do my best to look out for NUMBER ONE (That’s ME, now!), and let others take care of themselves. IF and WHEN they come around and see the light, I just might be awaiting them with open, long-awaited arms. =)
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@LMN
AMEN… Yes you are supposed to just watch the train wreck; It is the path the need to take to grow.
I definately agree, 1 whole + 1 broken does not = 2 whole people. But I personally have to be careful not to assume that everyone is perfect. We all have issues. I just have to recognize what broken means. I have been learning a lot about this as it seems that I discard men for the most petty of reasons…a funny walk or liking stupid movies….my guy friends say I need to watch some truly stupid movies (Eurotrip) in order to be able to appreciate this side of a man. I am going to investigate this…
I also believe that people can change…but not by sitting still. And if they are not moving, it is likely that issue will take deep roots.
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@Sha Good point about the movies. Whatever the opposite sex finds entertaining can give us a wonderful insight.
and… Of course people can change but it is so rare. I refuse to play that lotto.
@Mike, so the question is: What if you are and you don’t have it figured out? :p
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This probably needs to become a priority in your life or you can do what I did and make it your job! LOL (referring to me being fat and becoming a nutritionist)
Sorry, seriously, This has to become your priority since it is the limiting factor in your happiness, not only in a relationship but in life.
I’m trying, my dear. I became a therapist, after all. LOL It’s easier to focus on it when the problem is NOT yours. But, yes, I agree. Something needs to be done. At this point, I’m not quite sure what it is, though.
You were not fat! Were you? Lies, all lies!
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I’ve been there. As in I’ve been Erin.
I gave my ex-boyfriend crap when I wasn’t getting – in my opinion – enough attention. Things were great until something – an innocent comment, him concentrating on the tv instead of me – pulled the trigger. And then, of course, the misplaced guilt you mention on you entry.
There was NOTHING wrong with him and I knew that from the beginning. The problem was that I did not love him AND I wasn’t brave enough to tell him.
I let him believe it was his fault and I regret it tremendously because I hurt him.
Now I’m too scared to date: I could live the rest of my life alone but I cannot live knowing that I’ve broken some else’s heart, again.
People out there: you DO deserve GREATNESS! and for fok’s sake, COMMUNICATE!
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Re: that buried gardener. Let him out my friend! Gardening is great for relationships–a joint creative project that requires care and commitment, not to mention the fun post-gardening clean up…
. Oh, and it’s fantastic for a raw food diet. And did I mention how sexy it is to women when men engage in domestic behaviors? And if those domestic behaviors happen to show off a mans physique (think shoveling, lifting, etc.) so much the better….
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Ro, this is a brave, brave post. I wanted to thank you for making it. I know I benefited from reading it because I think there are a lot of things in my life that I’m not brave enough to own right now. Your self-awareness is the first step in healing some of the things that went wrong, I think. Please don’t write yourself off. People grow from their experiences and I can hear your regret. Thank you, again.
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Sarah chan!
Want to garden with me?? I know what I am wearing!
Mike-san, you devil! Put your efforts toward someone you want to nab and keep!
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yeah you’re right I only want to nab you…
Thanks for this Mike. I never thought of it that way. It seems like we live in a world where we think we’ll never find better…. and then you remind us that we will.
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The path of self awareness is not in seeking new landscapes but in looking at things with new eyes, for our self and others. Maturity allowes us to see, tolerate, and adjust (within reason) to other people’s quirks and idiosyncrasies. Doing so should never bring unhappiness, but it should be part of growing together as a couple. (true psychos need not apply please!)
The thing is..relationships are really hard work, and compromising is vital to the success of it. In my life I met a lot of grown ups but very few adults…hell I lived with one for most of my adult life… and yet I am determined to give people the benefit of the doubt. And that’s my two cents!
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Very valid points here… but where do you think a person should draw the line between “not settling for good enough” and accepting that perfect does not exist?
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I guess where we decide where the line in the sand is…the one that we will absolutely not cross, also comes from maturity. Also with it, comes the self awareness about what we will absolutely not just “settle” for, (ugly word settle,… nobody should ever settle) AND that perfect does not exist
Does it sound too much like a utopia?
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Sorry for no answer, I have been sick in bed!
I totally agree with you that accepting and understanding anothers idiosyncrasy and down right irritating habits can easily be mitigated by love and maturity.
However, I have been in a few relationships that I would call remarkable and none of them were really that difficult. but maybe I am just being a devils advocate.
The line between good and great? It is constantly shifting and is extremely personal. I believe that life is the same and one who is willing to take on the uncertainty of a great life is also opening their mind to a great partner. People that live a life of fear and the mundane will never find “great” in a lover, it is not in their capacity.
So where is the line? to me it is painfully obvious and clearly my match is not perfect because I am not perfect (close I will admit)
I am sorry you were sick. I hope you feel better
I think we are both saying the same thing…
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No way! you just don’t want to argue with someone as handsome as I am.
very true:)
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I want to argue with where ya’ve been hiding for the past few weeks *taps foot* ;p
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Boys with No Honey, or speed dating II
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God… that is so mean.
I want to write a post on the virtues of agreeing.
There you go..See how easy that was ??? And you got inspiration for something new to write about to boot!
Ciao
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Couldn’t agree more with the conclusion.
Love your post. As always.
Capoupascap xoxo
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Been there! Excellent article, very well put!
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Amen, 50% is not even close to being good enough. Haha, “good enough” is not even good enough. I think even though we can never be perfect, doesn’t mean that we can’t at least try to be perfect for the other person. We should always try to perfect ourselves while being aware that we can never be completely perfect. Great Blog!!!
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