I broke up with him but he still wont change!

I broke-up with him, why won't he change??

Email from one of my readers

On Sep 2, 2009, Danielle M. wrote

I was with this guy for a year. I broke up with him a month ago because we didn’t want the same things in our future. I wanted children and possibly marriage. Recently I explained to him it we didn’t have to get married (we were only together for a year) but if we didn’t get to that point this option was closed off to me with other people. I told him this a month ago and after I said what I needed to say he came back with, “I still have feelings for you but I don’t want to be with you right now.” He might have just said that because I just broke up with him.

I am very hurt over this, I do care for him and I am perplexed and hurt that he has made no attempt to contact me. I feel like he doesn’t care since he hasn’t called. Why is it he can just let me go so easily?

Let me add that I am doing ok I am working on myself and working out and being a healthier person and mother. I am not the type of woman to just jump from man to man because I am hurt and need something to take my mind off of things. I think it is much healthier to sit with my emotions and deal with them. Thanks Mike any input would be so helpful.

Date: Thu, 3 Sep 2009 Mike Masters Wrote:

Questions like this always make me smile because I have been guilty of this too.

So wait, you broke up with him for very good reasons. Did you expect him to change?

At the moment I am going through something similar with a friend of mine. Well now an ex-friend, he has violated my friendship code so badly that I have cut him off. Did I do it in order to force him to change? To have him come crawling back and say, “Mike, I am so sorry, you are right I need to fix my ways and be the type of friend you need.” Maybe in my deluded fantasies this might happen but I also might have Lucy Liu meet me at a hotel tonight. (Lucy I am currently in Aberdeen WA, call me)

Don’t’ forget you rejected him for a reason! Why do you keep hanging on to him thinking he is going to change? Well… he might but the odds of that are about a million to one. Do you really want to stick it out?

The truth is that he has a handle on your ego. His not changing is a type of rejection of you as a person. This of course is not true, the reality is that you have separate paths in life and his is not going to meet up with yours anytime soon. This is fine, this is okay and this is normal.

Trying to get some guys to take a relationship seriously is a bit like playing poker. He wants the milk for free and she wants him to buy the cow. This struggle usually goes on until one or the other gives in or someone gets feed up enough to break up. Did they want to break up? not really, they just wanted to bluff. You just bluffed and he called your bluff. You were hoping he cared about you enough to change and now that you know he doesn’t it is a bit hurtful.

Once again… this is normal… don’t take it personally and move on ASAP.

On Sept 5, 2009, Danielle M. wrote:

Thanks so much for getting back to me and you are so right. No I didn’t expect him to change but you hit the nail on the head when you said he had a hold on my ego. That’s for sure or at least he did. I know him not contacting me in no way shape or form determines my self worth but it sure did bruise the F*** out of my ego. The more time goes by the more I realize I made the right decision. This decision was hard but I refuse to settle. He wasn’t willing to change and I didn’t expect him to but neither was I. I am working on myself walking through my own emotions and issues and dealing with them in a healthy way. Thanks again

Never sacrifice your relationship needs for a hurt ego
It is perfectly okay for him not to have the same path
Be super careful not to get addicted to unavailable guys out of the need for drama!