Ninja? or did someone fart?
I have a fear of my own functions
I usually fart on the first or second date, this is for two reasons. I want to make sure that the person knows I am not uptight and also because I fart a lot. This was not the case though when I met an ex girlfriend in Vegas. We had not seen each other in a very long time and I found myself wanting to make a good impression. We got a beautiful suite at Treasure Island (back when it was a bit newer). The room was amazing, gorgeous views, a huge living room and… a bathroom with a window…? Huh? I could feel my guts seize up when I saw this. How could I use this? With the massive amount of food intake in Vegas you are bound to go number 2 quite often! Constipation was threatening as I thought of options. Run the shower and steam up the window? Hang a towel? Or would that seem too obvious?? By the third day I was in convulsive pain, I laid wide awake next to her listening for heavy breathing. It finally came and I bolted out of the room and down the elevator to use the casino restroom. I think she did the same thing the next night.
Don’t poop while I’m in the shower!
You know when you are just too comfortable with someone? Worse yet, someone is just too comfortable with you?
I have a rule, No Pooping While I am in the Shower! “Ahhh!!! What are you doing??” I yell at Erin. She is on the toilet and I am in the shower starting to get a whiff of her steamy remains. “Don’t worry about it, I will be done in a second.” I protest, “Damn it Erin! Now I am stuck here! Smelling your crap!” She giggles, flushes the toilet and most evilly turns off the exhaust fan. But this is not the worst thing she has done.
I still have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from what happened next.
Erin and I had a very very fun sexual relationship. One day coming home from work I opened the bedroom door to find Erin butt naked and doing something bad… WOW!! I said, sounding too much like Steve Martin. I ripped my clothes off and joined in. While I was “down south” she decided it would be funny to let one loose… Seriously… she did… Not only did she do the unthinkable but it was a window shaking tear jerker of a rip. I gasped, not only in shock but because I got some in my mouth!! “AHHHHH!!!! SHIT!!!! WHAT THE HELL ERIN!!!” Erin was laughing hysterically rolling around, about to wet the bed. I didn’t know what to do, I felt as if a quadriplegic purposely hit me with their motorized wheel chair… and then gave me the finger.
My sister farts like a sailor
God, so glad I am not as bad as my sister and the smell!! Puts dog farts to shame! While sis is busy tooting away her husband is completely silent. Not a whisper out of him. My Japanese girlfriend was the same running out side and standing backside against the railing. This is where culture comes in… Some families find burping and farting revolting and other don’t. I suggest you let him lead the way but I for one truly enjoy a good ripper from a girl!
- Don’t poop while I am in the shower!!
- Girl don’t poop as far as guys are concerned
- Got to fart? Stop eating so much junk food
- Let him break the ice first (or tell him it is revenge for him farting in his sleep)
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG that clip was hilarious and i love the stories you shared too Mike.
I agree when you are in the moment with the girl, the farting can really throw things off for you.
Personally I find it kind of rude if people around me burp but thats just me, probably a cultural thing too.
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First, I must get this out of the way. Girls don’t fart they “fluf”, mmk?I have been with my bf for seven months and haven’t heard one ’squeak’ out of him. I’m beginning to think that he is a fartless, gasless, tootless, pootless son of a gun.wonk wonk wonk
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Mike I love your stories lol It makes your posts so much more interesting, fun and makes it super easy to relate and understand. I also agree that it’s a cultural thing. I for example wouldn’t belch or fart or do anything like that infront of my boyfriend, or worse, date. That’s just gross to me and maybe even disrespectful. I just think it leaves the wrong impression.
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That is the whole idea. I really want people to understand so I tell as many stories as I can. That is how I learned after all.