Should a girl ask a guy out? 13 answers!

by Mike Masters on January 7, 2010

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Can I ask a guy out? Please!!????

The last few days I emailed, Facebooked, Twittered and personally interviewed everyone I could find to answer one simple question:

Should girls ask a guy out and if so how do you do it???

Most of you that read my site know that I am very against blatantly asking a guy out. However, I could be wrong… see what a pile of very intelligent women have to say!

Megan (Student and cute barista) – I don’t like to ask guys out because I am a bit shy but if I have to I will quietly ask them to something I can back out of. You know, ask them out as friends and if it doesn’t seem to be going well, then it is not a big deal.

Vi (mom/student) said – If you think he’s interested in you then bring something up like, “I’m hungry” or “I want to see that new movie” or “I’m dying to try that new place.”  If he likes you then he’ll ask you out. I could be wrong, but it hasn’t failed yet.

I like how simple this is, I have to admit if I were into a girl and she gave me something so easy to work with… hard to refuse. –Mike

Crystal (student, professional partier) We shouldn’t have to ask you out! Lol, show interest yes and if the girl shows that she’s interested, HE should be the one to ask her out. Confidence is attractive guys!!

Resonanteye TM (blogger?/tattoo artist) I have asked the guy out almost every time so far. I won’t any more though; it seems to set me up to do all the work from then on as well.
It always feels like I end up doing the emotional work in a relationship, so if I take that initial risk too. . . It’s just too easy for the guy and more work for me.
Flirting and showing interest I always do. I’m just only done “asking out“ a guy.
I’ve always succeeded when I’ve asked a guy out. It’s just that- well, I start to feel as if I am the one taking all the steps. And I like to also feel that I am wanted, not just wanting.

This is EXACTLY why I tell women not to take the lead in the relationship – Mike

Sharon (has dated men that make more than the GDP of many small countries) – Basically, as long as you understand that men think about pussy constantly and since you have a pussy, you don’t have to be very creative to get a date. If you make him think you’re eventually going to give him the pussy, he will do ANYTHING for you until he gets it.  If you’ve got skills, he will be hooked by then and won’t take off after getting it.  Unless you want him to…

If you use raw sexuality to lure the fish, often it bites only to leave the hook bare, Sharon is a master angler and knows how to set the hook without losing her bait. – Mike (I would love to write about how Sharon lost her bait once but I think she would have me killed)

Christine (Married/blogger/fitness nut) When I was in school, I asked guys out, but it didn’t work for me, and I stopped. I think Resonanteye sums up a lot of how I feel. I’m super turned on by confidence and competence, and guys you have to drag along are usually neither.
STOP asking out immature, indecisive guys who don’t have the balls to ask you out or treat you right! :*) Hehehehehe…

Jeanette (Aussie business woman and Maneater) Well said, Christine! I’m not against flirting and showing clear interest if a guy I like seems shy (returning texts quickly, referencing restaurants I’d like to try, the classic ‘eyes’…), but if after a little while he doesn’t take initiative, I take it to mean he’s either under-confident, emotionally lazy, or just not interested: all of which is better to know sooner rather than later. :)

Amen Jeanette! I hear so many women say, “Why doesn’t he just ManUp and ask me out???” Well, like Jeanette says, there is a reason. – Mike

Jamie (Canadian business women, and a friend) In the case of my current boyfriend, he was the guy I never expected anything long term from because he was the popular with the ladies, so i played the “whatever happens” card. I figured it was a short-term thing and we were just having fun so I had fun and was “breezy”… Well apparently that is attractive, I was a challenge, and he worked for it… We are still together 4 years later!!! All and all the playing field was equal.. I showed interest but I didn’t show desperation… and it worked.

Rose (red head, Brit, vegan,  and a little bit scary) No, I never ask a guy out. I’m a woman who prefers to be chased. Every woman FLIRTS with a guy they find attractive, making more effort with appearance, perhaps avoiding certain topics, and mentioning others. But if a guy has shown ZERO interest no way I’d make a move, chances are I don’t fancy them either and so I’d like to be friends
If a guy has been VERY obvious and said what they’d like to do with me, naughty or otherwise, and I like them, yeah, I will make sure it actually happens. BUT, I will always leave the commitment talk to them. Those that are actually a catch tend to be lured into commitment by, you guessed it Jaime, my wonderful rack and superior bed skills over any waif. :D

Rose says something key here, LET THE GUY DO THE FOLLOW UP. I know it really really sucks but this is how it works! And if you are not getting that call, you are sleeping with the wrong guys! – Mike

Mindy (mommy and ob nurse) I have asked guys out…and it’s always worked…to me it shows confidence…not weakness (if done with confidence)! I’ll use the analogy of fishing. I throw the lure (me and my proposition for a drink etc.) in front of them…they then have to chase the lure and the lucky ones catch it and get a bite. That is to say that I don’t mind making the initial proposition…to get them hooked. However, after that…it’s his responsibility…and he must pursue me.
Yea…I can see that if it were to set the precedent for the dynamics of the relationship (you putting forth all the effort and him…none) then it could work against you! That would not be good! I’m old-fashioned too….in a modern sort of way…lol! :-)

Agree, drop the hint and back the fuck off – Mike

QT Mama (Problogger, mom and martini addict) Not anymore, one thing I’ve learned in the 37 years I’ve been on this planet? If a boy likes you, really likes you? He’ll find a way to ask you out. Period.
I hear ya on that one Mindy, and I use to do the same thing actually. Then … well, I realized if I was doing all the work (cuz it always felt like I was), what was HE doing? *Laugh* I dunno, I am old-fashioned in a lot of ways, I admit that too.

T (blogger mom and has actually made me blush) Oh VERY straight forward. Then again, you probably assumed that about me. :) Mike, I asked my ex-husband out initially and yes, unfortunately, it was a pattern repeated all through our relationship/marriage and into today as we co-parent our children. He just let me drive the whole thing. (I screwed that up didn’t I?)
I do like being pursued. However usually, the pursuing would turn me off… which is why I usually did the asking out. Now that I’ve been through a couple of relationships where I did all the driving… then was in a relationship with a very controlling man….I finally feel like there’s balance in my current relationship.
But I wouldn’t have known that had I not initially asked a guy out. Live and learn, right?

Good point T! Often you just never get the lesson unless you have beat your head against it for a few years. – Mike

Nando (Problogger, friend and lover of men) A few of the comments I read said that if a woman asks a guy out–she’s setting herself up to do all of the work. So if he asks you out–are you accepting the submissive role and then have to do it “his” way all along?
That confuses me.
Why not have a little 50/50 mix?
The question here is not should you ask him out–but are you doing the hook & switch well? hhmm?

Very interesting last comment! Especially the 50/50.  Nanado is a guy that dates guys, but I wonder does it really work the same? Is it really 50/50 for him? Why does the guy need to take the lead in heterosexual relationships? – Mike

Thanks so much to everyone for building this post.

I listed all the answers as I received them,

I look forward to the next time we can do this!

Learn how to ask him out via text?!

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{ 3 trackbacks }

Why can’t girls ask guys out? The three major reason why… | MasterDater
January 11, 2010 at 8:24 am
How to ask a guy out – what you don’t understand… | MasterDater
January 13, 2010 at 10:27 pm
Girls being forward. Yay or nay? « This Blog Sparkles. No Really.
October 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Rose January 8, 2010 at 12:54 pm

“scary” – only scary because I told you what a git you were for covering for a male friend who cheated on his pregnant wife! Excuse me for having standards, Mike.

Mike clearly cannot take criticism, he is the “master” not “relatively experienced” dater, after all.

What does my being vegan have to do with how I date, anyway? I might not be impressed if my date orders steak, but somehow I don’t think this bears any relevance to your article.

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2 Mike Masters January 8, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Jesus Rose, calm down
Scary because you are very very vocal as you show in the above comment.

Vegan, it is part of what defines you, it says a lot about you and is very relevant to the article, something that I figure you would be proud to have the world know.

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3 Rose January 8, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Sure, but its not that relevant. Perhaps it shows a certain level of discipline and niceness though? i.e. less likely to put up with crap. Still, I think “intelligent”, or “sexy”, might be more flattering. “highly-sexed” or “picky” might be more accurate and relevant to the article, too. I would also think the fact I swing quite relevant – since sex is important to me in a relationship but not a reason to get into one…

…and I think you are just scared because I’m not as easily charmed as some, and will still judge. You did that article about not taking shit from a partner… Fair enough, you certainly don’t like it when friends call you up on things though!

Incidentally, Crystal said the same thing as me.

Sharon is spot on as well. I find girls that chase men pretty scary.

HOWEVER – another point – I have noticed that the very nicest of my male friends only end up dating women that have forcibly caught them and trapped them into relationships. They often weren’t happy and left them not long after, but they certainly got there way for a while, up to 9 months!

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4 nandoism January 8, 2010 at 5:51 pm

I think my comment was misunderstood. Or maybe I misunderstood it. Wait–who am I?
Okay, the 50/50 mix–is what I preach. Several of the women made comments that every time they asked a guy out–that set the bar for the relationship. I just don’t get it–and as far as gay men (you can say gay, Mike) it really is a 50/50, at least for me. Sometimes I get asked out and other times I do the asking. But which ever the case may be, it doesn’t set the bar for the relationship, meaning who ever originally did the asking–is the BOSS…NOPE.

But you know…it might just be personality. I have a new question–the women who did the asking out–are you more of a confident self-assured woman in all your matters? (work, play, relationships) as opposed to the women who let the men do the asking (more submissive in life?)

Riddle me that!
.-= nandoism´s last blog ..The Inebriation of Mimi =-.

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5 Rose January 8, 2010 at 9:09 pm

I wonder if it has something to do with our relationship ideals. I’m dominant in friendships, equal in relationships, and submissive in bed. I never ask guys out, which surprises friends who know how outgoing I am, but perhaps when you consider my relationship and bedroom personas, it is less surprising.

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6 Natalie January 8, 2010 at 7:28 pm

I got what you were saying, Nando.

I have always been too straightforward to enjoy many dating games and as a result, my relationships have either been tawdry and short-lived or lasted way longer than they should have.

Luckily, my husband appreciates my brand of crazy and it turned out, I didn’t have to play any games at all.
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..foto friday: snow day =-.

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7 Lisa January 8, 2010 at 9:23 pm

Nice Mike….it was fun reading the compilation of responses, especially when they referenced you. ;) And to add my 2 cents, since I always do, I still think it’s about doing what works for you. I wouldn’t simply b/c I love old school courting, and the brief initial stages when I guy goes out of his way to convey his sincere interest in you, but a lot of my female friends would prefer to have the control.

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8 Mike Masters January 8, 2010 at 9:55 pm

Thanks Lisa!
This is all very interesting especially with Nando in on the mix. (read his comments if you haven’t yet)
A lot of people say that they are “old school” with courting. I don’t believe this is something that will every disappear. In other words there will never be a “new school” girls are always going to want to be courted and guys will always want to chase.
This is in our genetic code and a recent cultural change (feminist movement/feminist backlash) has confused this role for both men and women. Men don’t know what they are supposed to do and women are frustrated that guys don’t act.
Fascinating stuff

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9 Lifebeginsat30ty January 9, 2010 at 11:22 am

You certainly do bring up interesting topics! And the comments were fun too :)

I have to say I think the answer to this question depends on what kind of partner you are looking for. Me personally I like taking the ‘girl’ role. I am not submissive in a relationship, I like equality and will stand up for myself, but I also like to be courted. I’ve had a lot of conversations with guy friends about the ‘chase’ and that if a guy can have a girl right away, they lose interest. I think the same is true for me in that if I have to ask a guy out, I don’t really want them anymore. But I think this depends on your personality and such. Great post!

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10 Mike Masters January 9, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Surprisingly the topics brought up are things that I get asked a lot. This question in particular comes up all the time. Although I have only ever heard it asked in the states.
The chase is so interesting… That is what I teach all the time but I get so much grief over it.

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11 lifebeginsat30ty January 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm

I didn’t like it either but when one day I’m sitting at a table of a bunch of guy friends and one said that and they all started shaking their heads in unison, I listened!

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12 Mike Masters January 11, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Got me a bit curious now, you started to talk about the game and the all… What?

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13 thomas January 9, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Good point Mike about the recent cultural movement of feminism. As a result, we see women taking control of their life which at least for me, is highly desirable and respectful.

Therefore, here is a few points to consider:
If you just wait for someone else to do the work, will you get anywhere? Remember, there are 3 types of people; those who say what happened(thinker), those who make it happen(doer) and those who just watch(talker).
.-= thomas´s last blog ..2 important principles about managing money =-.

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14 Mike Masters January 9, 2010 at 4:56 pm

The feminist backlash, AKA the wussification of the American male is pretty darn interesting.
Part of the reason I write masterdater. Lot of confusion out there.

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15 T January 10, 2010 at 7:49 am

“Old school courting” sounds wonderful to me now. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it earlier in life either but for some reason, I (can’t believe I thought this) considered it a sign of weakness. And it always seemed like guys that I didn’t have much interest in. Or perhaps I didn’t have interest because they were courting me? Either way, over the course of my years, I realized eventually it was because I couldn’t see myself the way they saw me. I didn’t believe I was worthy of all of the adoration they were giving me. I guess it was my own block to intimacy. After all, I was raised by a mother who every day told me that ‘all men are assholes’ and a dad who said that ‘if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.’

So, I always went for the unrequited love. I was the dominant one. I asked out. I made the decisions. I “did everything myself”. I even married someone who declared early on that he’d never love me the way I loved him.

In other words, I had to learn and grow. A LOT.

Somewhere in there, perhaps after my last relationship where I allowed the guy to court and control, I realized that I am worth more than that. I realized that someone could love me just the way that I am. Thankfully, I found someone who does adore me. And this time, I actually agree with him.
.-= T´s last blog ..Learning to shine my light =-.

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16 Mike Masters January 10, 2010 at 9:20 am

Wow, that should have been a blog post itself.

I was explaining something similar to my dad last night. “People seek out what reinforces their world view/beliefs” He didn’t really get it and I used the example of a certain type of woman I used to date.

I was horribly attracted to a crappy angry girl that would tell me she loved me and hated me in the same day. I believe this is because my mother was like this. I needed to be with someone that reinforced that I was a bad but sometimes lovable person. T

Breaking out of this stagnant mold was one of the most difficult transitions I have ever made.
So T… I know what you mean! and thank you for sharing.

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