choices, you can't have both
I received this email from a reader a week ago:
I have been dating the same girl for a year and a half, I love her but we fight a lot and disagree on almost everything and she constantly tells me that “maybe we’re just not right for each other”. I can’t picture my life without her in it, it’s been my longest relationship yet even though my family and friends don’t necessarily like her. However, I recently met someone who I cannot stop thinking about. We have so much in common, we get along great and I’m very happy when I’m with her, basically the opposite of my current girlfriend. I want to know, do you think it’s possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time? They are 2 completely different people but I’m so confused on what to do. PLEASE HELP, I need all the advice I can get right now.
-Jay
“I love her but we fight a lot”
There are a few reasons for constantly fighting:
1. It creates negative tension and leads to sex (click to learn more)
2. The two of you are still struggling for dominance
3. You have too much commonality and do not grace each other (see the soulmate series)
Fighting, and not leaving, in any relationship screams codependency. What that means is that you and she are accepting something unpleasant because both of you are receiving something out of the disharmony. It could be great sex, but more likely it is a feeding of mutual insecurities. There is no reason EVER to be in a relationship that is in conflict all of the time, and she is starting to get a glimmer of that truth. She is wise to want out, but you are still hanging on. No HEALTHY person should put up with a negative relationship of any kind, for any reason.
“I can’t picture my life without her”
Of course you cant, but that doesn’t mean it will be a bad thing. I can’t picture my life without chest hair or my short little hobbit toes. What you are experiencing is a trick the brain plays on us because it doesn’t like to change its patterns. The brain is rather stubborn in this regard, since stability is usually associated with safety but if you find yourself in pain because you are hanging on to that stability you must override this safety reflex and cut off that arm. The phantom limb you will be left with can eventually heal or be replaced with something a little less diseased but keep things as they are and it will poison the rest of you.
“my family and friends don’t necessarily like her”
Here is a huge sign that you are in a codependent situation. Your family and friends don’t have your addiction and they can see the situation for what it is, fucked up. Your brain has a need for something unhealthy and it is satisfying that with an unhealthy relationship. The reason why it is so hard for you to see, is because your brain is covering it up! Yup, that little glob of goo between your ears doesn’t necessarily have your best intentions at heart. Don’t believe me? Talk to a recovering drug addict, their brains fuck with them 24/7.
“I recently met someone who I cannot stop thinking about”
Whoo-hoo!!! Breath of fresh air! Or is it? Okay, I will put down the pessimist mic for a second an assume that she really is the answer to all your problems. There are two types of attraction, Negative and Positive. The two are very easy to discern, in the positive friends are usually supportive and in the negative vice versa. You appear to be in a negative relationship that is feeding a vacuum in your personality. (Example: My father beat me, so I visit a dominatrix once a week)
The other side of attraction is positive and effortless, the person that naturally graces who you are with their wonderful differences. I think what you have here is a positive attraction to someone, a bridge to safety and you wish you could cross.
“do you think it’s possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time”
Of course it is possible but that really isn’t your question because you cannot create a web of lies that allow you to keep both. You have the emotional cash to make payments on one girlfriend, NOT two. but I know that isn’t what you really meant! The drug addict in your head is whispering Gollum like lies in to your ears, “How can we have both precious?? I know we can probably pull it off, just see the new girl in secret and keep your dirty addiction at home, we can do it, we are smart like that…”
This is a lie, either you cut off the diseased arm or live with it. There is no room for a third party in this dance. I would suggest leaving her ASAP, you have been given a clear message that things are sucking and it is up to you to listen to that message. Get out… and don’t hesitate.
As for the new girl? She is only an indicator of your misery. Is she the answer? probably not, but it won’t hurt to spend some time with her, maybe she can speed the healing process. (Just make sure you meet her AFTER you are single)
This is a really tough situation for you and I understand your misgivings. It appears like you need to choose which woman but what you really need to do is look at how unhealthy your current situation is and WHY. Having a good life is very much in your control and is a function of exercising choice. You can leave her, you can have something better. You can heal your own demons.
Anyone know where I put the Tequila and Vicodin?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, a post on a Saturday! My lucky day
I totally agree with what you said here, Mike. I was nodding my head in agreement throughout the entire thing. I don’t think he should be thinking one girl or another. He needs to first decide whether he wants to be with the girlfriend. Then when he is single, pursue the other woman. Otherwise it gets all kind of messy. I’ve never thought jumping from one relationship to another was healthy. Great post!
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..I will never understand men
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Thanks sweetie, glad you agree. What other wisdom would you give the Jay?
Oh no, you did not just call me sweetie! *sigh* Random strangers on the street call me this. Ugh.
As for Jay, I agree with Betty that he needs to be single first before latching onto this new girl. Also, from this new girl’s perspective (hint, I’ve been in her shoes), him ending things with the old girlfriend before dating her shows strength of character and respect for both women. Maybe also being around this new women has shown him that something was wrong with the other relationship?
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..I will never understand men
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Mike, because this post was wondrously comprehensive and spot on, I just emailed it to one of my friends. Obviously, subtlety is not my forte. I may lose a friend by tomorrow, but it’s worth it.
And Lifebeginsat30ty, I’m not a fan of “sweetie” either. However, I love being called “sugar” — but only in a southern accent.
Man-shopper´s last blog ..Ms. Perv-Magnet
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Man-shopper/sugar pie
My friend just told me this post was so boring! So I am happy that you found it helpful. At least for your friend eh?
I am wondering if I need to meld the two voices. Funny and informative?
Hey Snukums,
Thanks for the two cents! I think everyone says something similar about being single for a while but I don’t think I have ever met anyone that has actually been able to do it. Have you?
So random people call you sweetie? How did I know?
Cupcake,
I am currently single. Have been dating for the past year since divorce, but haven’t wanted a relationship. It can be done!
Yes, yes, my face must excuse sweetness or something. On days I don’t want to particularly called sweety, I wear a tshirt that says: ‘i prefer to be called ruler of all that is evil, but I will answer to satan’
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..I will never understand men
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As I’m currently recovered from the breakup of what I thought it was the love of my life, I can tell that he needs to end that relationship, heal, find out who he is, what he wants from life and when he’s finally ok and free of codependencies, find a healthy person for a healthy relationship. No matter how good this new girl appears now, it’d be a shame for both if he clinged on her as if she were his only source of happiness. He has to learn to be happy for and by himself first.
Betty´s last blog ..Cantinflas
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Hey Betty long time no see!
Agreed, as long as Jay keeps his eyes open if he enters into this new relationship.
I have no clever quip or witty question. Top Notch. Freakin’ Brilliant.
Something She Dated´s last blog ..Attn: Fellow Bloggers…This One’s For You
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this is soo true, many people are in this situation.
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Hi,
I’ve only just come across this website and couldn’t help but comment on this particular dilemma. I feel like I’m reliving my own experience and actually, reading this has shown me how I’m still nor over it. I really enjoy your feed back but things aren’t always black and white.
I recently went through an extremely painful break up about 4 months ago. We too were constantly arguing but at the time i was in a really bad place with family; wasn’t getting along with any of them, moving into an apartment that I hated and felt so alone. My self esteem had fallen to an all time low of not even existing and I found myself in really unhappy place. I had no one around, even friends were sparse, so it was only natural that I leaned more on him then maybe I would’ve done if I had family and friends around. But with all the issues I was having and pressures on his side the arguments grew so much more intense. Our relationship had always been tempestuous as he was a self confessed angry person. I just always thought it was because we were passionate people, no one could doubt that we loved each other. Plus I’m not a door mat I respect myself enough to not let someone shout at me the way he would shout and not just to me but to everyone, did I mention he was an angry person. When we met I was coming out of a relationship and 3 months later we were together. 3 1/2 years of on and off not being able to let each other go, we tried to give it a go but then all the above issues took place as well as his own issues with trying to get his life together (employment/financial wise). I used to secretly think he was insecure purely because of his paranoia that women can’t be trusted and that they cheat and that one day I could possibly to it too. He would have dreams that was cheating on him with either the guy at work or someone from church. I put it all down tot he fact that he had done some bad things himself and was now unable to trust anyone else. BUt he trusted me why? Because I was safe. He knew that I would never do anything like that to him. Of course he would deny it, he was said that my insecurity was messing up the relationship when really its because i felt a shift in our relationship. Its funny before we got intot he relationship I was at my best I was sure of myself confident and whole (as a person) all that was missing was him as I was still in love with him. And I remember saying to him that if at any point in the relationship I no longer felt that way I’d know that something was up. Being insecure doesn’t always mean how you feel about yourself sometimes its to do with no longer feeling like your partner is someone you can trust to stay and not leave at any given moment. Which then fuels further insecurities, you start to doubt yourself and think that there’s something wrong with you. You start to then give too much power to that person and allow them to validate you, to affirm you to decide what and who you are and without having people you can love and trust around you to help you see what reality is your completely in trouble. I was there for him throughout his difficult times but its like he couldn’t discern that maybe things were going wrong or the arguments were becoming more frequent because of the what was happening in my life. When I first moved out he was there for me and then I guess the novelty wore off and he just didn’t want to come up anymore. Then after months of searching he got onto a gym course that he’d been looking at and suddenly changed even more. He started on the Monday and by the Thursday it was over. Friday I received at text whilst at work which read:
”Keep everything, anything you don’t want throw away I love you but it isn’t going to work take care”
I played back our last conversation the fact that he had become more short tempered. On the Thursday we were speaking to each other and he apologized for being so short tempered and that he knew that I was alone and how he’s been inconsiderate knowing that i had no one around me and that he also knew he had been even more considerate as he had started to comment on my weight, how I was loosing my shape which he was begging to find unattractive (he likes more curvier females but due the stress of my family issues and being unhappy living where i was, I didn’t actually realize how much weight i was loosing). The he said that he loved me and that he didn’t want anyone else but me…
We carry the conversation on and talk about other things. He then starts to talk about his gym instructor how funny she is and how she did this and that in the training session. My response was a bit defensive as all he’d been doing over the past couple of weeks was argue and be critical towards me about the way i look and my body etc so obviously to hear him speak so highly of another women when all I got was the negative would naturally get your back up. His response was to yell and swear at me that if i didn’t f****** like it he would talk about her to his friends…then the rest of the conversation got ugly with him sounding very resentful towards out relationship. He then said that he didn’t have the fight for our relationship anymore and that he didn’t want to argue. The following day I received the text. I was so broken i had to move back home and start again with family and with anew job and with my life in general. to be that much in love with someone and then they leave you when you needed them the most is something that I can’t describe. Abandonment and rejection is something that takes a lot to get over. I’ll never know whether there was someone else, whether are just both young, wether he just wanted to be free to have his options opened or whether he just wasn’t happy all I know is that its not always the case that its all about co-dependency, aren’t you supposed to lean on the one you love when your going through things? Throughout all his medical issues and family issues and financial issues and self esteem issues I was there for him but it just didn’t come back to me the same way. And maybe there were times when I should’ve had the smarts to leave myself but I completely and utterly was in love with him and would never leave him knowing he was going through something so painful. There was actual real issues behind the arguments he just chose to not look behind it. Maybe its just a reflection that maybe he just wasn’t for me which is so hard to accept when you’ve given your all and then some to someone who obviously wasn’t capable of giving it back. Our love levels were different. I’ve blamed myself for so long that it was me who drive him away, that I didn’t deserve him. That he was going to do so much better. The mere fact that i’ve made it to 4 months without contacting him is an accomplishment in itself and he hasn’t called either. We haven’t spoken since the split. We naturally had a lot of things against us. My mum and family didn’t like him but tolerated him for me. I always thought his family thought I was a nice girl, and could see that I genuinely loved and care him. His dad was against the relationship due to culture reasons my mum thought he was too argumentative and angry for me but I really did think he loved me. I’m still so heart broken the fact that he just left. I’m doing better and knowing that he lives 7mins away doesn’t help but things are getting better….Well slowly. I just want to be ok. He left me in the worst way, humiliating me and leaving me to pick up the pieces and start again I haven’t even got the energy to hate him he doesn’t deserve that emotion.
This email has gone on for much longer then I thought it would but I guess I’m still dealing with it and your page just reignited the fire.
To the young man that had fallen for someone else, isn’t that just down to the fact things weren’t right at home? If you both had things sorted you might not have even looked at this other women. But then again if your girlfriend is the one suggesting to end it and you’ve noticed someone it only highlights that you’ve both moved on anyway.
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