Choices – The balls or the face?

I received this email from a reader a week ago:

I have been dating the same girl for a year and a half, I love her but we fight a lot and disagree on almost everything and she constantly tells me that “maybe we’re just not right for each other”. I can’t picture my life without her in it, it’s been my longest relationship yet even though my family and friends don’t necessarily like her. However, I recently met someone who I cannot stop thinking about. We have so much in common, we get along great and I’m very happy when I’m with her, basically the opposite of my current girlfriend. I want to know, do you think it’s possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time? They are 2 completely different people but I’m so confused on what to do. PLEASE HELP, I need all the advice I can get right now.

-Jay

“I love her but we fight a lot”

There are a few reasons for constantly fighting:

1. It creates negative tension and leads to sex (click to learn more)
2. The two of you are still struggling for dominance
3. You have too much commonality and do not grace each other (see the soulmate series)

Fighting, and not leaving, in any relationship screams codependency. What that means is that you and she are accepting something unpleasant because both of you are receiving something out of the disharmony. It could be great sex, but more likely it is a feeding of mutual insecurities. There is no reason EVER to be in a relationship that is in conflict all of the time, and she is starting to get a glimmer of that truth. She is wise to want out, but you are still hanging on. No HEALTHY person should put up with a negative relationship of any kind, for any reason.

“I can’t picture my life without her”

Of course you cant, but that doesn’t mean it will be a bad thing. I can’t picture my life without chest hair or my short little hobbit toes. What you are experiencing is a trick the brain plays on us because it doesn’t like to change its patterns. The brain is rather stubborn in this regard, since stability is usually associated with safety but if you find yourself in pain because you are hanging on to that stability you must override this safety reflex and cut off that arm. The phantom limb you will be left with can eventually heal or be replaced with something a little less diseased but keep things as they are and it will poison the rest of you.

“my family and friends don’t necessarily like her”

Here is a huge sign that you are in a codependent situation. Your family and friends don’t have your addiction and they can see the situation for what it is, fucked up. Your brain has a need for something unhealthy and it is satisfying that with an unhealthy relationship. The reason why it is so hard for you to see, is because your brain is covering it up! Yup, that little glob of goo between your ears doesn’t necessarily have your best intentions at heart. Don’t believe me? Talk to a recovering drug addict, their brains fuck with them 24/7.

“I recently met someone who I cannot stop thinking about”

Whoo-hoo!!! Breath of fresh air! Or is it? Okay, I will put down the pessimist mic for a second an assume that she really is the answer to all your problems. There are two types of attraction, Negative and Positive. The two are very easy to discern, in the positive friends are usually supportive and in the negative vice versa. You appear to be in a negative relationship that is feeding a vacuum in your personality. (Example: My father beat me, so I visit a dominatrix once a week)

The other side of attraction is positive and effortless, the person that naturally graces who you are with their wonderful differences. I think what you have here is a positive attraction to someone, a bridge to safety and you wish you could cross.

“do you think it’s possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time”

Of course it is possible but that really isn’t your question because you cannot create a web of lies that allow you to keep both. You have the emotional cash to make payments on one girlfriend, NOT two. but I know that isn’t what you really meant! The drug addict in your head is whispering Gollum like lies in to your ears, “How can we have both precious?? I know we can probably pull it off, just see the new girl in secret and keep your dirty addiction at home, we can do it, we are smart like that…”

This is a lie, either you cut off the diseased arm or live with it. There is no room for a third party in this dance. I would suggest leaving her ASAP, you have been given a clear message that things are sucking and it is up to you to listen to that message. Get out… and don’t hesitate.

As for the new girl? She is only an indicator of your misery. Is she the answer? probably not, but it won’t hurt to spend some time with her, maybe she can speed the healing process. (Just make sure you meet her AFTER you are single)

This is a really tough situation for you and I understand your misgivings. It appears like you need to choose which woman but what you really need to do is look at how unhealthy your current situation is and WHY. Having a good life is very much in your control and is a function of exercising choice. You can leave her, you can have something better. You can heal your own demons.

Anyone know where I put the Tequila and Vicodin?

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Tagged as: Break up, negative relationship, negative tension, reader question