How to ask a guy out – what you don’t understand…

by Mike Masters on January 13, 2010


Ask me out damn it!!!

The last few posts I ranted that you should never ask out a guy yet, I am a bit full of it. The last two relationships I have been in, started with the girl asking me out.  Although both girls that asked me out were very smart about it.

The whole reason I don’t want you to ask a guy out is due to one concept – The Wanting it Tax…

In my last post Why can’t girls ask guys out, the three major reasons why. I explained that many guys would consider going out with a girl that they were not interested in to get sex. This is because the guy senses the wanting it tax.

The “wanting it tax” is something you want to avoid at all costs! Many of you understand this concept intuitively but some have no F-ing clue, so I will explain.

You are in Thailand, backpacking around and you see a vendor selling a fake purse that in the states cost about $500 bucks. You know this purse well and the copy is perfect, your mom will love it. In your excitement you light up, look the vendor with lust in your eyes and say, “How much!?” The seller takes one look at your clothes, nationality, face and eyes and says:

B) $25
C) $50

Obviously he will pick C, even though he might have just sold the same purse to a hippy New Zealand chick for only $10. Why? I think you know the answer.

“The more you appear to want something, the higher it’s value is perceived”

So why not ask a guy out? Because if you do, you are going to be hit with the wanting it tax and it will cost more than you may wish to spend. So physically how does the wanting it tax play out? It usually takes the form of, him having too much power, you having to do all the work, sex without a relationship, etc… Make sense?

But I want to ask him out!! I know, I know… I am getting there. It is perfectly fine to ask a guy out as long as you don’t incur the tax. There are a few ways to do this, some are easy and some take a ton of confidence.

Get him to ask you out

This is the safest way but also the most difficult to orchestrate. How to do this? Guys ask girls out for a few simple reasons and you need to bank on these reasons:

  • You are sexy – Guys are horny and they ask out the same girls that they would love to sleep with. If you don’t turn them on, they may not ask you out.
  • You get a lot of attention – Girls that get attention from men and women are considered a better catch. This means that a girl that cultures attention from men, gets more attention from men!
  • You are fun and interesting – Guys like to be smile on a date too! If you are the quiet shy type you probably will never show up on his radar.

Getting him to ask you out is basically creating enough interest to get him to take action. Unfortunately, this is slow and can be horribly frustrating if he is not paying attention. I talk a bit more about that in my post Making the guy you want chase you…

*** This sidesteps the wanting it tax because he never really knows your interest and he remains “on sale” ***

Ask him out subversively

Most guys are pretty clueless when it comes to women being attracted to them, me included. Guys usually have to be shown where to drink or they will be too paralyzed (or stupid) to act. This means that even if the guy identifies an attraction he may need your help to act on it OR… he needs help identifying his own attraction!

You set up the venue for him to “figure it out” and develop the attraction. You lead the horse to water, and if he is interested he will take a long, slow, sexy drink! I like how my friend Vi answered this question on the post, Should a girl ask a guy out? 13 answers! her’s is the second answer.

This is so safe and easy, and any guy that has any interest will pick up on it. All you have to do is hint at a date and if you are really good at it the guy will think it is his idea.

***This beautifully avoids the wanting it tax because he thinks it was his idea to ask you out***

Ask him out directly and then pull back

I mentioned earlier in the post, I have been asked out directly, a few times without any problems. Why did this work for the girls asking me out? The major reason why, was that they didn’t try to keep the attraction going if it wasn’t there. They put the ball in my court then pulled back, If I didn’t want to return the serve they had the confidence to move on.

Now, I am not telling you to ask him out the same way a guy might ask you out, you still need to be a little secretive about it. The way I have been successfully approached is:

  • Being invited to a party
  • Asked for my help
  • Invited out for something simple like coffee
  • Been told, “Your a lot of fun, let’s get a drink sometime” (fun being the key word)
  • There are, TONS of opportunities to subversively ask him out exist, be creative

This is the fastest way to create a relationship with a guy but you really need a thick hide to do this since rejection might occur. This is fast, can be very effective, but often scary!

***This flirts a bit with the wanting it tax and you need to be cautious here. This is the place the more confident woman does her work***

Ask him out directly – when it does work

This is the hardest but most direct form of getting the guy you want. The kind of girl that can pull this off is confident as fuck… She has an ego that is made out of stainless steel and she knows guys are lucky to spend time with her. She knows what she wants and if a guy tries to tax her she will negotiate the price but will be willing to throw him out in a heart beat.

Unfortunately, the ultra confident really is the only personality type that can pull this off but they still get burned time to time. This is how I would operate if I were a woman!

“So reader when are you going to ask me out?? If you don’t hurry up I am going to ask out your roommate!”

***This is the easiest way to get taxed, and if you don’t have the personality above you may not like the results. Don’t ask him out unless you have bigger balls than he does***

{ 2 trackbacks }

Do guys ask out the “girl next door” more than you? | MasterDater
January 19, 2010 at 8:21 am
Video blog! Why girls should never ask guys out
February 8, 2010 at 7:16 am

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Rose January 13, 2010 at 7:26 pm

Agh this freaks me out. I suppose men ask out women in the same way. I always take things as platonic, just being friendly. I’m naieve.

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2 Mike Masters January 13, 2010 at 7:36 pm

HA! that is funny, but very true. I think men do ask women out in similar ways.
So Rose… I am going to an SA meeting and I need to bring a friend. Care to join me?


3 PrincessT January 13, 2010 at 9:33 pm

I’m a reformed asker-outer or try-too-harder, and I totally think asking guys out doesn’t work. I used to do it because it was easy for me to ask guys out. I may not be Miranda Kerr, but I’m pretty attractive so I never got turned down, which made me think it was a genius way of getting dates! But then I saw the pattern of guys never making an effort and then me having to kick them to the curb as quickly as I picked them up.

Now I don’t do that anymore. It’s sort of frustrating when you don’t have a date, and you really want one, and all it would take is 5 minutes with that guy over there…

On that note, can I ask a related question: I’ve been working on a theory I like to call the ‘girl next door’ phenomenon – is it true that guys would rather ask out the nice looking, sort of cute, but generally plain down to earth girl because she’s less intimidating than the uber-sexy high maintenance European supermodel type (just to be clear, I’m not saying I’m either one, I’m just choosing two extremes to illustrate the point)? Or is that just a girl myth hot girls made up to explain why they are single? Or is it that men instinctively sense the probability of rejection and search for a safer kill? Thoughts?
.-= PrincessT´s last blog ..Meeting Men =-.

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4 Mike Masters January 13, 2010 at 9:48 pm

Thanks for backing up what I have to say.
I really like your question! Lets talk about that…


5 Jules January 17, 2010 at 11:51 am

After reading Princess T’s comment/question about guys being intimidated by attractive women so they don’t ask them out but ask out the girl next door. I am very interested in what you have to say about that one Mike. As you know, I’ve recently ventured back out in to the dating world (btw, haven’t made up my mind about the online dating thing yet). The ones I’m really interested in (live people), I can’t get them to ask me out. Some of my long-time male friends say that “I’m attactive & that I’m intimidating them”, both of which I don’t agree with. But what if…I’m very curious in what you have to say.

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6 Mike Masters January 17, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Funny you asked about that, I am writing a post about it right now. I imagine it will come out on tuesday?


7 Natalie January 17, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Hm, well, let’s see what you have to say about this, Mike, but I would have to say that I feel like that phenomenon only exists in a smaller group of pretty insecure men. For the most part, I think that men are always interested in “dating up”. (Actually, even though I in many ways don’t believe in “leagues”, it seems that, on some level, they do exist. That being said, few people want to date people that are “in their league”…) Additionally, because men feel like there is going to be more “competition” for someone “uber-sexy”, they are willing to take a risk and ask her out “before someone else does”. The risk is decreased for them in the fact that they consider that the “girl next door” or the “plain Jane” will probably “still be there” if the supermodel turns them down.

“Or is that just a girl myth hot girls made up to explain why they are single?” That’s MY guess…

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8 Mike Masters January 17, 2010 at 12:54 pm

I am totally with you Nat… I will speak my mind on this subject on Wed.
Hope to have you stop by then!


9 Dating Diva January 14, 2010 at 5:02 am

I do think that sometimes a guy perceives a girl asking him out as strong and assertive without fear of rejection…and I think sometimes that will draw a guy to a girl like that. But like you said, the key is having the ability to pull back. That is the part that is hard as hell for me.
.-= Dating Diva´s last blog ..I Vow Not to Let Anyone Waste My Time =-.

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10 Mike Masters January 14, 2010 at 7:53 am

I noticed DD =)


11 QTMama January 14, 2010 at 9:53 am

I am all about never asking the man out, but I do get a LARGE case of the “impatient” going on, when (and if) I like him enough to WANT to be asked out again.

Hmmm … The sad part is, finding someone that I want to spend more than an hour with. *Thinking face* And not wanting to kick their ass. *Grin*

Terrible, I know. But honest, as well.
.-= QTMama´s last blog ..The Water Pipe vs QT =-.

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12 Mike Masters January 14, 2010 at 2:24 pm

I think my friend DD has the same problem.
This is why I think it is very important to be involved (not necessarily sexually) with more than one guy when you are dating.

And you’re so violent! maybe that’s why he is afraid to call you back?


13 QTMama January 15, 2010 at 6:09 am

If only I had the time to date more than one man at a time! :) Single mom, remember? I don’t always fit into your … guidelines because of this.

And I’m not violent! I just think violently. ;)
.-= QTMama´s last blog ..Strange Fascinations =-.

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14 Dating Diva January 15, 2010 at 6:20 am

I’m also a single mom and I agree with you—who has time to date more than one guy?! I can just about handle one and keeping all of their details straight.
.-= Dating Diva´s last blog ..Dating Old School Style =-.

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15 lifebeginsat30ty January 14, 2010 at 12:45 pm

“Don’t ask him out unless you have bigger balls than he does.”

He, now that’s pretty funny! Although I kind of feel like were back in high school asking a guy if he would ‘help us with our homework’ *wink wink*
.-= lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Old Git, Part II =-.

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16 Mike Masters January 14, 2010 at 2:26 pm

I know what you mean… This post did feel a little juvenile to write. However, a LOT of the people that ask me about this topic are in their 30′s.

I think it is one of those issues that never goes away but we really think it should.


17 LindseyLoo June 11, 2010 at 8:51 pm

hahaha, nice. Master dater rhymes with….
I like your posts! It’s nice to see what a guy really thinks – other than boobs and beer.

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