I don't care if he is married!
Its 5 in the morning and my friend Lynn knocks on the door hesitantly. If it weren’t for a mild level of insomnia I never would have heard it. Lynn is training for a sprint triathlon and I am coaching her.
I feel like I am running through butter since I “sprinted” the same 3-mile course the night before, I feel blah… We are talking between panting and I nearly stumble over a dead cat. Lynn ignores it, and brings up one of my pet peeves, girls that date married men. Fuck… I kinda feel like that cat.
Lynn says between strides, “Every morning it is the same, I wake up and there is a one page email about Lacy’s (her friend) feelings and this guy.” “Oh GAWDDD…” I say as melodramatically as Davis Sardaris (or Nando). My eyes roll up to the top of my skull and my lids flutter in irritation.
Lacy is involved with a guy that is involved with someone else and Lacy is about to get her heart broken, crushed, shredded and ground into pastrami. I told her months ago not to get involved with this guy but her vagina argued me down.
Another friend ground to pastrami
“It’s been 3 months since I’ve known it was over. Time just reminds me it’s getting closer to the point where he’s for sure going to spend his life with the person he loves and it’s not me.” – Carrie
The interesting part is that this is the second time I have talked to her about this guy. The first time I wrote a post on it, I want him to myself! How do I get him to leave her? This is a good post to visit if only for the picture of the penis cake.
In the previous post she was trying to get him to leave his girlfriend using sex as a tool. I told her what you might expect. “Have enough self respect to not get involved with a cheater, but you of course won’t listen to me.” Now we are on the backside of that relationship and unfortunately my prediction came true. I am honestly painfully sorry for her, no one wants to say, “I told you so” when someone hurts this much. Well except me, “DAMN IT! I TOLD YOU SO!!!”
The same damn mail
About once a week I get an email from a girl that starts out along the lines of:
“So, I have been seeing this guy that is married…”
“Can I ask you a question? I met this guy with a girlfriend…”
“I like this guy already in a relationship and…”
I am seriously starting to get a nervous eye tick from this damn question and I am having a hard time answering it with the proper tone it demands. It reminds me when I was 8 and my cousin asked me if it would hurt to put his penis in a light socket. I said, “Why don’t you go and try it?” He didn’t because he knew it would hurt. These people know this situation will hurt, but why do they repeatedly force their genitals in this particular outlet?
Who does this?
The “Victim”
Primarily female (I have my theories why guys don’t do this so much)
Usually young or if not young, relatively relationship challenged
Low self esteem relative to friends
Emotionally needy and male naïve
The Guy
Usually older and more experienced
Is a romantic that fills her head with pink bullshit
Wants to get out of his dysfunctional relationship and sees her as an out
Often someone the Victim works with since that inappropriate tension just adds to the mix
The Girlfriend/Wife:
Usually portrayed as a evil bitch he needs to escape, (often is true)
Has an emotional/financial/family hold over him that he feels trapped by
Is probably just as miserable as he and has her own affair going (or should)
Is often the last person to learn about the affair because she wishes to remain clueless
This obviously is not always the case but more often than not this is what I see when this situation shows up in my inbox over and over again.
Part of me feels really really bad for both of the girls here. One has just hit the ground and the other is about to. Part of me feels empathy and part of me want to slap them and say, “Get your damn genitals away from the socket!”
When I was a child we didn’t have those little protectors on outlets and the first time I put my little finger into that odd hole in the wall, I wet my pants with pain and surprise. It wouldn’t and didn’t kill me and I learned with deathly clarity never to repeat this.
People ask me all the time, “How do I make it stop hurting?” I usually say, “How could you ever learn the lesson if you don’t feel the pain?”
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Okay so I’ve written a response to this like 10 different ways and they all come out super righteous, super bitchy, and super holier than thou. The thing is…I can’t be totally holier than thou because I dated a married guy once. But I didn’t know. Then I found out. I immediately went for checkup (don’t ask) just in case and the first thing the doc asked me was whether I needed condoms to use with him. WTF? use with him…are you shitting me? WHY on earth would go I back to this douchebag. But I get it. Sometimes people fall in love and didn’t mean to (okay well I call bullshit actually but we’ll concede to that excuse). But here’s the thing of the thing…Hey selfish girl(or guy but since it’s the chicks messaging you…girl)…I know it’s ever so hard to keep it in your pants what with the billions of other possible suitors out there…but try this…imagine that his wife/girlfriend…is your mom. or your daughter or your best friend or someone else that it would just kill you if they got hurt. Put them first. and by doing so…you’ll actually be putting yourself first because who wants a cheater…just a thought (sorry for the ramble/rant)
Something She Dated´s last blog ..Attn: Fellow Bloggers…This One’s For You
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Nicely said, SSD!
Zoë´s last blog ..This one’s for all the men of the world …
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Sorry to take so long to get back to you.
I like your thought, will it change anything? Doubt it, my post might help a few people open their eyes a bit, don’t know.
I feel this is like the refrigerator we saw in the middle of the freeway today. Sure it sucked but because I was prepared for it I was able to avoid it. Some people I suppose will hit it but that is how they will learn.
I think this post was more about me venting than teaching anything! Ha…
Oh well.
First question to ask a guy, are you attached? Answer is yes, run for the hills, simple and easy.
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Haha – love the light socket line!
Fishy´s last blog ..School Report
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Yeah, I don’t know why he was so curious about this.
Found out years later that he is now gay. Wonder if this was an influence?
“Get your damn genitals away from the socket.”
Classic! Next time someone tells me they are thinking about a relationship with a “committed” man, that’s exactly what I’m going to say. No explanations, just shout it at them
I have to admit that I once contemplated it, but I luckily smacked myself up the head. It also helped that he was a good guy. We’ve both gotten over it, and are good friends now. I don’t think this is the case with most of what you are dealing with in your inbox though!
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..LEO
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From now on I will say the same thing and just refer people to this post.
Such an irritating question.
Its kinda like: “I stole a bunch of shit from someone’s house and now the police are after me! how do I keep the stuff and get rid of the police?”
I’m intrigued – what are your theories about about why men don’t do this so much? Does it work the other way around, too? I have noticed that I am quite frequently flirted at by attractive young women who already have boyfriends; seemingly sometimes, even more than I am by single women. It’s bizarre. Does that work with your theory…?
CoatMan´s last blog ..
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I think men don’t do this as much for one simple reason. Men are not looking for a nest of stability. I didn’t want to say this in the blog because I didn’t want to field the arguments.
This is why I think it is primarily younger women to older men. They don’t feel as stable or independent as an older woman. They also havent been bit by this particular alligator yet.
The other factor is that everyone is attracted to someone that is approved of by another. This is why really promiscuous guys/girls get more and more attention. they have been approved of by the opposite sex and people that have not sampled their wares are curious what all the hubbub is about. Same reason why you are curious about a restaurant that has a big line, this is called “social proof”.
In your case I think something else is going on, girls with BF feel “safe” to flirt with another guy and they can always run back to the security of their relationship. I am also guessing that you make women very comfortable and they feel they and flirt with you safely. Everyone loves to flirt and women/men in relationships often miss this a lot.
The other side of this coin is that people cheat, women probably just as much as men. Especially younger women and men, I assume that you are under thirty?
Interesting subject, hope you continue the conversation on this topic.
Mike
Ugh, I agree. I’ve heard this from a lot of girlfriends…after several YEARS of dating a married dude, you gotta kinda figure he WON’T leave his wife. Sigh. I don’t think there is only one guy out there for every girl for this reason. If he married someone else, you use it as an excuse to justify your cheating. find the single guys, ladies. it never works.
Kelly Seal´s last blog ..Grass is always greener…married vs. single
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I’m in a situation where I believe a recently committed man I’m seeing will back down from his other relationship (don’t worry, I’ll totally kiss your ass if I’m wrong about that). So it’s kinda difficult for me to read this, but at the same time, I get what you mean in a different light. Dating a guy for years who stays married to his long-term wife (especially if they have kids together) doesn’t seem wise to me. But dating someone who thinks they moved way too fast into marriage and feels like the person they thought they liked is now a bitch is certainly not the typical affair agenda. Oh, and they don’t live together right now.
Keeping in mind I still feel guilt with this mostly emotional affair. I just wanted to share my, perhaps, unique situation that falls under this blog category. Hope I haven’t bugged you with my e-mails!
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If it’s not too nosy…why wouldn’t just wait until he gets divorced (or at the very least separated)? Or second to that…why would you want to be with someone who cheats? (it’s not so much just about whether or not he’ll leave his wife/whatever for you…the question is…what happens if he does and you become his wife/whatever…there isn’t just one person for everyone…there’s always someone better/easier/more exciting…)
Something She Dated´s last blog ..My Kingdom for an H Part II – Light bulbs and The Ride
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How many times did you stick yours in the light socket, Mr. Man? Because I know you well. And you’ll stick yours in anything.
I kid, I kid!
Jillian´s last blog ..Nashville Flooding
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The betrayal, the hurt, the questions… Has our whole relationship been a lie? How could the man I have been married to for 10 years do this? What about our children?
It has now been 8 years since the babysitter had her bastard child…the bitch. Yes, he decided to sleep with the woman holding my babies while I worked! And it was her intention to get pregnant, with the help of my “so called” loving husband.
I should have divorced his pathetic ass 8 years ago. The only reason I didn’t was because of our children. I thought they should have their father. So I stayed with him for the sake of our children, but was it a mistake to do so?
I have seen a dark side of myself that I am not proud of. I revel with the fact that she was even more devastated than I was by the affair. I am also incapable of respecting him and at best it is difficult to tolerate his presence.
She disappeared after the birth of her bastard child because my husband and I filed for 50% custody. I should have let her have him. They deserved each other.
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Yes it’s a sad situation and it happens way too often. I think it occurs a lot because of the neediness of the woman. And the woman is often deeply hurt by her involvement with a married man.
However, sometimes there are other motivations. I think some women just love the drama. And they love the idea that they are doing something immoral and frowned upon by society. They find it kind of exciting, which is why they keep doing it. (That also goes for the married man in a lot of cases. He’s getting off on the thrill of breaking a taboo.)
Matt´s last blog ..Facebook being blamed for marriage breakdowns
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I can’t stop dating married men. They all dump me and I’m not sure why I give them great sex. Any advice?
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OK, Here’s one for you…. not the usual.
Almost 4 years ago I discovered that my ‘loving’ husband and father of my two children had been having an affair for the past several years with – get this – a stripper! He had gifted huge amounts of money and taken ‘business trips’ with her while I was out of town seeing my dying father.
He did drop her when I found out and although he was aggressive at first because I had spoiled his fun, he was later contrite and apologetic. However, I should have left his sorry ass immediately. It’s only because of my kids that I let him stay. I can barely stand the sight of him from day to day.
Then, this gorgeous man hit on me in the mall one day. It took me two weeks to gather the courage to dial the number he gave. When i did we dated a few times and he told me he was also unhappily married with 3 kids.
I guess this made us both feel kind of safe in that we both had as much to risk as each other. He made me feel special and beautiful and all the things my self esteem had been lacking in my own relationship.We began a torrid affair and he talked about love and about us being together, marriage etc. Then after about 10 months he told me that he loved his children too much to leave and could not bear the thought of another man raising them. I guess I have been stung and deserved it. How could I have done the very same thing that someone else did to me? I guess its just that he was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. Now I have to figure out whether I can carry on the pretence with my husband for another several years until the kids leave home. If I wait for that I will be 58 years old, who will love me then? I love this other man with all my heart and I am grateful to him for giving me the love I needed even if it was not real and just for a short time.
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Where are there scruples, why can’t married men or women just we happy in there own relationships.
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My cheating husband took away from me all the moral values I had based my life on. I wasn’t always happy but I was reasonably content and totally committed to him for life – no question. But when the person you trust most in the world throws everything you are about in your face you kind of end up thinking things like “what the hell”? “everyone else is just out for themselves.” ” Why am I the only one being loyal?” ” Why would I be loyal to this man any longer?”
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It’s 5 am in the morning and I’ve been up since 3am beacuse I’m a 42 year old divorced mother of 2 who has become embroiled with a 37 year old man who is in a relationship. He did all the running in this thing we have together. He started it, and he escalated it to talking about wanting to be with just me. Initially I just saw this as a bit of fun, because I’m single I see different men,. But my feelings for him started getting serious, mainly due to his persistence and suggestions that there might be a more solid relationship in the future for us. I got the impression that he was disturbed at the thought of me seeing other men, so I stopped all that. We’re friendly, and I’m not a needy person by any stretch of the imagination, but our chances of meeting and fucking are very limited and to be honest I’m missing have sex and general physical contact with a man. Now he’s sort of made me feel that I’ve misinterpreted his intentions and that he thought I was happy with things as they are! It’s not devastated me because I can go out and find someone else no problem, but I feel a bit stupid for allowing myself to be taken in by him!
At the end of the day, some men just dont know what they want!
My advice girls is to get out there, enjoy your lives, enjoy your bodies, have fun (safely – always rubber-up) but be prepared to take the rough with the smooth and learn from every mistake you make. I know I will!!
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Just out of curiousity…do you see the mistake that you made as being the fact that he was in a relationship or the fact that you misinterpreted things or the fact that you *think* he didn’t know what he wanted?
Something She Dated´s last blog ..I Was On a Boat- Walking the Plank of Shame
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Funny how she sounds like a high school girl through most of the comment, and then gives advice at the end.
I think desperation and loneliness pushes a lot of people to ignore what is staring them in the face.
I almost wrote a post on a similar subject. “Why morality is in inverse proportion to her bust size.” Don’t know how well that would fly though.
BTW these random commentors usually find my site through google and they rarely come back to respond but it is nice to chat with you anyway SSD.
lol that would not fly at all…these DDs are all filled up with moral goodness. Just Sayin’. And yeah it looks like she’s not coming back to clarify her comments…oh well…my life will go on…her life will go on…and someone will be miserable (read: not me
)
Nice chattin’ to you hun…long time no posting (but I know you’re busy and all that…and I still biding my time when I can write a scathing expose for your blog that will set all the silly ladies straight…as to stop making the rest of us look so bad…and perhaps incite some laughter in the process…I’m thinking maybe Christmas break lol! oy! life sure gets in the way of all the fun stuff)…anyways stay good
SSD
Something She Dated´s last blog ..I Was On a Boat- Teaching Richard Gere to Dance
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