Positive Tension - Can you find it?
We talked all night, it was 6 in the morning when we finally forced ourselves to bed. She was staying with us for a couple of days because her apartment was being refinished. I didn’t even know her, I think my roommate had a thing for her. Oops… good thing he was out of town.
It was one of the most interesting, intellectually exciting conversations I have ever had with a woman, and what a woman. She was a knockout! Her father was a British shipping captain and met her mother in Hong Kong. They produced a voluptuous, athletic dark haired beauty, so striking that I felt my confidence deeply challenged.
My mind wouldn’t allow me rest and obsessed on her presence downstairs. I raced with random thoughts, replaying the conversation, reforming my answers, watching her response and reinterpreting her gestures. I had a connection that I’d never known, something that I didn’t know could be. After an hour of this obsession, I found myself downstairs looking at her sleeping. My hands shook with the thought of touching her hair. I sat down on the stairs and mouthed the question, “Can I hold you, please?”
She heard the stair creak and she turned to me, staring, eyes like coals reflecting the light through the window. She had a similar expression to mine, “I can’t sleep” she said, “Me neither” my voiced cracked. Undefinable time passed and I glanced at the floor preparing to go back to bed.
“Will you lay down, next to me?” she said so quiet that only my complete focus on her presence allowed me to hear it. “Can I? I just want to hold you, I swear nothing else… I don’t…” She smiled, clearly happy I felt the same, “Mike stop, if you wanted me I wouldn’t stop you.” My heart stopped beating and a tantric like orgasm rippled through my hair follicles. She looked away and then back again, “Can you just hold me?” I slid into bed with her and we held each other. When I started to cry, she did as well and I felt her tears cooling on my arm. We fell asleep, clinging to one another, completely satisfied with touch of the other. One year later we were engaged.
The tension and connection with Shannon was so amazing that to this day I have not felt its equal. What I have discovered is that this positive tension is not something that can be forged. It is something nearly magical in nature, a connection with someone in sync with your very being, your soul. Someone who’s gears mesh with yours when you pull them close. Positive Tension is something you discover rather than create.
Someone on the last post on negative sexual tension asked, “I am excited about hearing how to build this positive tension!” After reading that I frowned a bit, can it be built? Is it built? As I write this I realize that finding this tension is far more internal than it is external. The people that unearth this amazing love are people willing to strip away all the garbage blocking the meshing of cogs with one another. This is the person willing to surrender to life, allowing the discovery of that amazing person to flow to them, in their time, without agenda.
To find this jewel, you must first be able to receive it. This means that you are healthy, that you are strong, that you have direction and growth. To find this wonderful resonance, YOU MUST FIRST RESONATE.
Why do you create such an amazing connection with someone? Because in your resonance the two of you create a greater song. In other words, you make a more complete person in your union. You fit like a puzzle piece, painting a more beautiful picture together than alone. The other person fits your weakness and needs your strength. You are two halves of an mental coupling, filling each other as one would making love.
Of course this wouldn’t be a Masterdater post with out me getting all analytical on your ass! So lets break this down a tiny bit more.
Positive sexual tension is built on power, a power that you sense in another, something that you need and are able to reciprocate.
Conditions necessary for this tension:
• Independent strength – you are strong and you do not need the other’s strength to survive.
• Intelligence – equal and balanced, both of you look up to the other.
• Opinionated – Lovers don’t need to have the same world view, in fact to push your partner to a new understanding of the world is a beautiful gift.
• Demanding of respect – Without this, no love can maintain. You must be willing to lose what you love in order to protect who you are.
• Continuous desire for growth – This must be present and equal in both partners, you don’t need to be moving in the same direction but you must be moving at the same speed.
• Equal physical/sexual attraction – If you can look at your lover and say, “My god… is that who I am going to make love to tonight?” Wow, is there any greater positive sexual tension than this?
• Intellectual connection – Intelligence is not enough, you must love and enjoy the beautiful pattern of thought the other person weaves, knitting yourself into their being.
• Fun, Humor and delight – Without laughter and joy, what relationship can be whole?
• Communication – This is the glue that binds your resonance, without it your pattern will unravel and the connection will be lost. It is a skill and one you have to constantly maintain.
Positive sexual tension is about balance, a delightful crackling of power and respect. Finding this positive tension starts with you, for what positive relationship can be fostered if negative is in your resonance.
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Great post! Maybe the best I’ve read on this site. This is a rare thing, and extremely difficult to maintain long-term.
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Thanks buddy, really appreciate it. I spent a lot of time on that post!
Hope I can keep up blog posts of this quality! Hahaha…
RT if you have a twitter
Thanks again
Haha To clarify, I meant positive sexual tension is a rare thing and difficult to maintain long term, not great posts on this site.
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Hey I will bag on myself any chance I get.
Thanks for reading and if you have any epiphanies, I do guest posts on Fridays now. It would be great to hear another mans voice on the blog.
Most of the romance advice books disregard what you are describing here but every once in a while, a smart person or a great book talk about “vibes” in romance. In If Buddha Dated, they talk about the ability to feel connected to someone from across the room, even as you talk to other people, do other things or sit in total silence. It’s as if there is an imaginary, but enjoyable, tether between you.
Fabulous post!
Miss Alpha´s last blog ..When is the right time to tell your ex-wife you got remarried?
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Miss Alpha, you are so cool. I love the energy you put out. (not to mention the praise!)
Can you imagine dating Buddha? Forget sex in any position but over the couch.
I like to break things down but the connection that is created with some people is so amazing and undefinable that it defies explanation.
Agreed being without agenda is truly a pleasure that everyone needs to experience! great post as always Mike!
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Lost Plum, thank you!
Glad you picked up on that, the lack of agenda is so crucial. How can something “be” when you demand something else?
Great post – I like your complete honesty about this situation and it’s true connections especially in relationships happen seamlessly.
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When is does happen seamlessly isn’t it amazing? Ethereal? I prefer it to be a big mess so that I can explain my way out of it.
Mike, definitely one of my Favorite posts! It truly left me speechless. Positive Sexual Tension, is one of the rarest & one of the most beautiful gifts that life gives us.
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Speechless!
I need more people to say that. usually it is because I offended!
Thank you so much for the comment sweetie.
Great Post! I’m a little sad because i just found all this with a guy, but he just got out of relationship. While the feelings are reciprocal between us, he’s still too hung up on his ex to get into anything with me. I guess i should be grateful he’s not using me as rebound.
Elissa´s last blog ..Closure of Sorts
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I have to admit… I am a bit skeptical here.
If you really had this connection it is so rare that men will level cities to be with you.
His ex would become a memory the moment he met your eyes.
This is what happened to me. When I met the above girl. I left the girl I was seeing and with zero fear told her I met the woman I am going to marry.
(in retrospect I should have been a little more sensitive)
Hrm, that actually makes me wonder. I mean its definitely there for me, and if its not there for him- I should just move on now. No time like the present to waste time on guys who don’t realize how awesome i am, right?
Elissa´s last blog ..Closure of Sorts
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Seriously, if he is not breaking down walls, getting fired or destroying life long friendships. He is not in resonance with you.
Sorry!
and you are awesome! I can feel the vibration from here! (no wait… yeah… that’s was my phone)
Aside from a fabulous post, this is a great observation about being “in resonance” and identifying if someone’s just not into you. Bravo and bravo!
Although all of these points are so important that it’s tough to pull one out as a key element, I suspect that if each partner is committed to their own personal growth, that in and of itself adds to the dynamic that keeps a relationship alive and kicking. That growth piece is just so important. Looking to the other partner to complete your missing parts is a set up for difficulty.
I really enjoy such thought-provoking posts, Mike.
Gabby´s last blog ..Monsieur Moneybags
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Thanks Gabby,
Appreciate the intelligent comments!
The only thing I would argue is the looking to our partner for missing parts. I am sure this is just semantics since every solid friendship and relationship I have ever had, contained a person who possessed qualities I needed.
I am imagine you are talking about codependency, not growth towards each other’s sunlight.
Wise words, MD – particularly the intellectual connection/respect points.
Fishy
Fishy´s last blog ..The Sketch
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Thanks Fish
The intellectual part is so huge, I think I am going to write about that on wed. Hope you can stop by.
What a beautiful post, Mike! I’ve only felt this once in my life (with the ex-husband) and it was beautiful while it lasted. It’s when you can both just be your happiness at finding each other is reflected in the other persons eyes. Maybe this is soul-mates means? Not that I think only one soul-mate exists for each person. Beautiful! I will probably come back later to read it over for each nugget.
Btw…I’d be interested in your opinion on my last two posts. Since it was partly your advice that led to the fruition!
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..All I was looking for, plus more
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I will take a look at you posts, I am flattered that I influenced you. =)
That connection really has only happened to me as well but there is no doubt in my mind that it will happen again. The stage I was at in life was perfect for this person to step in. The last ten year? not so much…
Hi Mike, what a perfectly written post. I read through it a couple of times, actually. This is beautifully truthful, and a great contribution to the relationship blogging community.
Just one nagging question: What happened with Shannon?
Zoe´s last blog ..One Hit Wonder Dates
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Gosh… blush…
Now I have to keep this kind of momentum going! (Damn it Jack)
However I think the next post will be as powerful but in a different way.
Ahh.. Shannon! She is married to a Actor in LA, I think she is happy
What happened to us? Secret! Maybe I will tell you another day.
No disrespect Mike, but I didn’t feel there was much I could say. I agree. And you are stating what I feel to be quite obvious.
Essentially, with some people, you don’t need any advice. You just click. It just works. No thought needed.
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No disrespect taken Rose.
Maybe the next post will be something you can use. =)
What a lovely and thought-provoking statement: “Positive Tension is something you discover rather than create.” What an awesome post and great direction that you offer us–thanks Mike!
nandoism´s last blog ..How I Became the New Boyfriend
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Sounds to me like you just discovered it! Congrats!
Now it is the maintenance of that resonance that is crucial to it’s continuance. Tension only remains so if there is a vacuum of equal and opposite power balance.
In other words, don’t let him fall TOO in love with you, or the tension will collapse.
Take care buddy!
I totally agree with Miss Alpha about the dating books ignoring the intangible stuff…this is the stuff that matters in realtionships. Well put—you can’t build it, force it, etc.
Ok next blog post talk about what happened to this girl!!
xo
Kelly Seal´s last blog ..Should you always split the bill?
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I think most of the people that write the dating books are therapists and scientists, they really don’t have the fieldwork.
When you spend enough time in the field you realize that you can attempt to explain but why? The tennis pro really can’t correctly deconstruct his swing or really teach it. It is the intelligence of the body, the brilliance of the nervous system and maybe a little magic that allows his skill.
What happened to the girl…
I am kinda curious about that myself. I am pretty sure her husband has forbidden her to speak to me ever again. (which is wise) Is that enough of an explanation?
I completely agree with this post and not something we get to experience often. I like what Miss Alpha said too about feeling an invisible tether with this person.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Relationships Are About Teamwork
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Let me assure you that the tether is not invisible
Was that her real name or were you just trying to tell me that I am neglecting you and you miss me? xoxo
Shannon´s last blog ..Bath and Body: Bodycology Rich&Creamy Body Wash
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Her name was Sharon and that sounded close enough. but after this comment I think I am going to go back and change the name.
This has left me very, very thoughtful. Mike, you know I’m an energy person. This post really hits on that and I enjoyed reading it quite a bit. I think you are going to get quite a large response from this one because there are so many cynics that don’t believe that this kind of attraction exists. However, I think those same people are inclined to forget that even though people may click instantaneously, those that click are willing to fight like hell to make that relationship work.
Good work, Mikey. So, so proud of you. Miss your punk ass.
Jillian´s last blog ..Biggest Giveaway Ever-SkincareRx.com
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Hey punk
I actually don’t believe this exist and I might write a lengthy retort to myself.
Okay, I finally decided to start commenting (and maybe stop commenting too?
Your writing is definitely on the more poetic side this time, Mike, perhaps matching that lovely vibe of the experience you’re narrating..
I almost cried when I read about.. well, that crying part. It’s brave of you to share, like the other things you share here, I’m sure many others appreciate it as i do.
I would love it if more people write about these intangible, incalculable realities of romance & love that the science books neglect to mention!
More importantly, what I really would love to hear more about are the moments leading up to them… before the whole conversations started (as with you and Shanon), I’d love to hear what people have to say about the moment they first laid eyes on that special person; did it feel unique compared to other, “normal” attractions (i.e. people generally perceived as “hot” for one reason or another)? Or did the encounter start the same way as with “normal attractions” but end differently?
Is it something like “love at first sight”, or “love at first conversation”?
I love reading about this type of unique connection that people discover, how can any one not? People easily gravitate towards this type of endearing narration, but then we hear of heart-break, and so, I guess it gives off the message that this type of love doesn’t always last forever.
With all that said, I can’t help but hear the words of Robert Greene:
“The main obstacle to becoming a seducer is this foolish prejudice we
have of seeing love and romance as some kind of sacred, magical realm
where things just fall into place, if they are meant to. This might seem romantic
and quaint, but it is really just a cover for our laziness.”
The interesting part is that he also advises that a person should only “chase” a person who stirs something inside us; one who at the same time is affected by us. Kind of like how Shanon stirred something in you, and how you, in turn, influenced her as well. There has to be a unique connection for something amazing to happen.
The key, it seems to me, is to discover this connection and THEN build from it.
I guess if this is true, and if lots of guys and gals hook up with numerous lovers only to break up in the end, then it means that they were just too impatient to either wait for, or nurture, this interpersonal treasure we speak of.
Fifi
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Thank you for the excellent comment, makes me want to keep writing and hold off on the suicide. JK
“The main obstacle to becoming a seducer is this foolish prejudice we
have of seeing love and romance as some kind of sacred, magical realm
where things just fall into place, if they are meant to. This might seem romantic and quaint, but it is really just a cover for our laziness.”
Ironically I just read the same line about two days ago and said to myself, “this book is full of contradictions and while that comment might be true, it is a WHOLE lot more complicated than that”
The only argument I would make is, the tension you create is very based on who you are in that moment. Which is directly related to your life experience. This is how I justify being a whore, I am simply practicing. (hehehe)
Very happy you liked the post and hope you comment again
wow, Mike… love this! Left me speechless (and I’m a writer)… hoping to be as lucky as you. Keep writing. gkb
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Thanks Gail
I like to leave women speechless. =)
Well analysed and written post.
You have condensed into words the very reasons why I am so seldom really interested in any man..
I see the whole picture, and even strong sexual tension is no reason to go further. Why bother when they don’t wake up anything else in me?
And your next post – sexual indecency. Sex and love are elemental forces, not just pink rose petals and tender touches.
I disagree with you about digs.. but I still think you have one of the best blogs around. =)
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You are still wrong about digs but I appreciate that you like my blog.
Take care
I have been lurking for a while and while I’m mostly entertained (and occasionally pissed off) this post is completely different. You’ve encapsulated wonderfully in one page what most relationship books take, well, a BOOK to say. Also, that when you meet someone that resonates with you, you KNOW. I’ve been doing the online dating thing for a bit now and there are some guys that I keep on chat for a long time, and others I accept a coffee date from almost immediately. I just knew. Those that I’ve just “known” have either turned out to be lovers or good friends. Your gut knows. That magic of knowing isn’t talked about nearly enough.
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Wonderful post. Thanks.
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