The love train, why the f*ck did he pull the emergency brake!??

My friend Dating Diva recently emailed me this:

“I’m writing a blog post to see how men and women view “falling in love” versus “being in love” to coincide with the post I put up today. I mentioned that I think women blur that line (I know I do) and that men separate them. I’d love your thoughts and I will publish it in my post and link to your blogs on Tales from an Internet Dater.“

I tried to give her a paragraph but I ended up with a LONG mail which I thought I should publish. Just to warn you I bit my tongue on the jokes and answered this as serious as herpes.

Love, Why??

Does anyone really understand or know the complete answer to this?

The scientist might tell you it is about oxytocin, dopamine and vasopressin release. She might be able to define the exact chemical patterns that occur and how those chemical patterns coalesce over time, as one moves from “falling in love” into what we might call “being in love.” However, this really doesn’t answer the human need for love as fundamental to sustenance as sunlight is to a flower. Sure, I might be able to track down the chemical vacuum in the human brain that screams, “Feed me! or I will shut this puppy down!” but that doesn’t really matter, what matters is that we get as much wonderful love as our system can possibly handle. Unfortunately, contradictory male and female sexual/emotional wiring often makes a challenge to obtain.

Love kills

There was a study I believe in the late 70’s of the impact on newborns deprived of human contact and love. This study had to be terminated abruptly due to the fact that many of the newborns actually died. What can illustrate better, that love is hardwired into our system to such a degree, that the absence of it will cause death? It is irrefutable that both men and women need love to survive, otherwise why would we brave a storm that has knocked us on our ass more times than we can count?

Falling in love

Both men and women suffer from the same wonderful/dangerous hormonal ecstasy of “falling in love.” It is a truly fantastic chemical/limbic brain response that often proceeds the next stage of love, “being in love.” The unfortunate part is that men are willing to move into the second stage “being in love” with their partners far less often. This often baffles men as to, ” Why the fuck don’t I care anymore?” The chemical euphoric drip was pulled away for the man, while at the same time the woman is just hitting relationship stride.

I love a guy

I love, my best friend Ben. I would take a bullet for him and not in a metaphorical sense. Why? I am not gay, I never experienced the chemical high of falling in love with him. Being in love with Ben is very simple, I would be less of a human being without him. He is so important to me that I have integrated who he is into the chemical-electrical pathways that make up of my mind. I have bonded with him, and the loss of the bond would be devastating. He has literally, and physically become an extension of who “Mike” is.

Do I love her more than my friends?

There is no doubt in my mind that if my friend Ben had great tits and an ass, our relationship would have marriage potential. Since this sickens me, I would rather not follow this idea much further but I think you and I agree that sex and intimacy brings “being in love” to another level. Linking “being in love” to sexual pleasure is one of the greatest gifts our creator ever saw fit to allow evolution to develop. This is part of the reason why going the “wrong direction”, being in love FIRST then falling in love, might be far more productive. The normal direction is like buying furniture before the house it built.

Female vs. Male relationship progression

While talking to my friend Jack, from F*cking in Brooklyn, he hit upon a phenomenon that I have never expressed in words. He said, “Women see a relationships as linear progression, eventually leading to marriage and children.” I would add, that men see relationships as a circular path of possibilities, which all need to be acted upon. The bottle stops spinning only when a woman is so exceptional that the desire to be in love, forces him on the linear path with the woman.

Why a man gets off the chemical love train

I have often observed that men and women both experience a similar orgasmic experience associated with falling in love, although I feel women are a more prone to to get on board the train. The next step is often where chemicals fade and this union breaks down. As the high wears off, the man has to make a decision, is this train the one he wants to ride for the next month, year, forever? The woman clearly has to make the same choice but since her adgenda does not follow the same circular path as a mans, it often ends up with him, not her, pulling the emergency brake, and running furiously from the relationship.

Do men and women experience love differently?

Yes, and as an experinced man I have learned to not allow the alluring chemicals of a new relationship to entice me to get on a train I may not want to ride. At the same time I try to look past the chemical nature of love and ask myself, “Is this someone I want to be in love with or only fall in love with?” I also feel since I understand the nature of the situation that I am responsible for what the other person may not understand, see my blog post on The myth of casual sex. In other words I am responsible for the emotional gun they don’t realize they are pointing at their own head. I want to build the house before I buy the furniture and I most certainly don’t want her left holding the bill.

Yes, men and woman are radically different in their approach to long term love but in the understanding we can, circumvent the chemical knee-jerk of the opposite sex.

Whew!!?? can I make a dirty joke now??

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Tagged as: being in love, Falling in Love, love stinks