Interview with Hannah Seligson – A Little Bit Married

After writing a recent post The 25 reasons he WONT ask you to marry him one of my readers said, “Have you heard of the book A little bit Married by Hannah Seligson? It reminds me of this post!”

I am not sure how, possibly because of Google Alerts, but Hannah found her book mentioned on my site and dropped me a line. Now, you must understand that Hannah is a “real writer” and not just a simple blogger like myself that would kill to have an editor or be paid for my writing! Hannah has written for The New York Times, The Wallstreet Journal, Forbes, Huffington Post, The New York Daily, (big etc). I am very excited and fortunate to have such a prominent writer here to answer a few questions about her new book A little bit Married.

Could you tell us a little bit about your book?

First comes love, then comes a decade of being “a little bit married,” then comes marriage. If A Little Bit Married had an avatar, it would be Prince William, heir to the British throne, and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, who have been dating for over six years. Across the pond, a quarter of unmarried Americans (23 millions adults) say they are in committed romantic relationships. This book is an attempt to uncover and spotlight a romantic rite of passage that millions of young people will go through: the long-term unmarried relationship.  The book probes questions like: What are the main markers of marriage without marriage? What does it mean to date in a time when have another decade before we have to “grow up”? How do issues about careers, living together, and religion get figured out when there isn’t a ring?

Does this affect one sex more than the other?

The most salient difference is that men and women’s lives don’t arc the same way. Women have an expiration date on fertility, a biological difference that colors the ALBM years. In short, women have to think about their time differently than men do. There are also some gender differences in terms of how men and women view cohabitation. Research shows that men are more likely to enter a cohabiting arrangement with “maybe I do,” whereas women often enter with “I do.” The convergence is that both men and women in this demo want to get married, the rub often is the timeline.

Do you believe that marriage is a failed institution in the US?

Definitely not. The majority of young people want to get married. A 2007 survey done by NBC Universal and Meredith, a media and marketing company that focuses on women, found that Gen Y women (those born between 1977 and 1989) are likely to place a high priority on marriage compared with other generations. A Little Bit Married is not going to become Marriage 3.0. Most young people today do want to get married, whether it’s because they see it as an ideal ordering of a society, want to express their commitment with the highest form our culture currently offers, or for the tax breaks. A Little Bit Married is just a rite of passage, not a stasis, and it is certainly not poised to become marriage’s surrogate. Most see it as ersatz to marriage—a less than ideal substitution, like NutraSweet. Whether it’s at three years or a decade into the relationship, the vast majority of couples ultimately decide to walk down the aisle. Studies suggest that, despite the rise in cohabitation, changing gender roles, and that marriage is no longer the main event of adult life, the great majority of young adults in the United States not only have positive views of marriage, but they also wish to marry one day

How would you advise women to handle a guy that only wants to be “a little bit married” ?

You mean you are ready to register at Pottery Barn and he wants to play Grand Theft Auto? In other words, you are dating Peter Pan. In the book, I say to figure out whether the guy you are dating will ever leave Never Never Land.  Look at what kind of compromises he is willing make for the relationship. Is he generous with his time and energy? Does he seem ready and excited about factoring a long-term girlfriend into his next life-phase?  The other approach, which many women I interviewed took, is to take the bulls by the horn, and initiate a conversation that sounds like: “I love you. I want to marry you. If you don’t feel the same, I need to know.” The take home message is that couples in the ALBM stage need to communicate about marriage, a conversation that men should be equally interested in having and starting. After all, marriage certainly comes with just as many—if not more— sweeteners for men as it is does for women.

Wow… I wish I could write that way, huge thanks to Hannah for answering my questions. I hope you check out her book A little bit Married on Amazon

or at the least download and read the chapter one  First comes love, then come A little bit married

To learn more about Hanna Seligson visit her website at Hannahseligson.com

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Tagged as: A little bit Married, Hannah Seligson, Interview, Marriage