Anxiety x Her Hotness = Male Pain and Suffering
Meet Robert Belland todays guest writer
Hey ladies! My name is Robert Belland and today I’m making a “guest appearance” here on Mike’s blog. I’ve always found Mike’s female dating advice to be honest, sincere, and powerful which is why I was so pleased to write something here.
Normally I write for guys on my own blog ( FullofHateAndReadyToDate.com ) but I happen to know a thing or two about “the ladies” because I’ve been studying yall for many moons now. Plus, I LOVE women! You’re my favorite part-time hobby.
Now it’s time to share some secrets…
Here’s a question I received recently that I think many women can relate to:
“Why don’t guys ask me out on a date?”
This girl writes: “I’m confident, people always tell me I’m really pretty, guys stare at me, I love watching football and basketball, AND I dance! I’m funny sometimes, shy, kinda smart, and guys are always text’ing me and call me to hang out .
I’ve even modeled before.
Some guys say they like me a lot but yet they don’t ask me out… what the hell?
Even the ugliest girl at my school has a boyfriend and seems to have no trouble keeping him…
I know looks aren’t everything… but shouldn’t they help? I’m very loving and caring but I seem to be always getting hurt. Please help me out! Please!
Desperate and Confused”
Here is what I shared with Mrs. Confused:
I’m going to give you a secret that has helped me to date some tremendously beautiful women: the more beautiful and socially valued you are as a woman (super model, socially popular, extreme confidence, etc) the more men FEAR you.
Obviously we guys desire such women, but we DEFINITELY fear them as well.
Imagine you’re a typical dude for a moment.
If you want to meet and date a girl you have to walk up to her in front of your peers, or perhaps strangers on the street, and put your balls on your sleeve (pardon the image this creates) by asking her out.
Should she reject you after such a social display of vulnerability the emotional trauma could cause deep social embarrassment (one of our greatest fears as humans: link ) which only lowers your confidence.
How did it feel to be in a guy’s shoes for 5 seconds?
Now take that anxiety we men feel and multiply it by how “hot” the woman is.
(ANXIETY) X (HER HOTNESS) = MALE PAIN AND SUFFERING
The average guy doesn’t fear rejection from an average girl; he fears rejection from a beautiful girl.
Why? Who knows, we’re stupid.
What does all this mean?
It means that the more attractive a woman is perceived to be, the more likely she will feel isolated by her beauty: men fear talking to her (for fear of embarrassment/rejection), other women unnecessarily judge her (out of jealousy/cattiness), and she feels everyone is always staring at her.
It’s not all bad news… it takes a man of uncommon confidence to ignore all of these social pressures/fears to approach such a woman. Her beauty almost acts like a filter keeping away men of “lesser value.”
This very process has helped me stand out amongst other men simply because I’ll talk to those women most other men won’t.
I’ve also noticed that these types of women will often end up with WAY more “guy friends” than “girl friends.”
Why? Because some men will have the courage to finally talk to such women, but will not “pull the trigger.” These guys end up just being “nice” instead of “assertive and flirty.”
These guys are called Orbiters and they’re simply waiting for you to give them the “sign,” which basically means many of them are just waiting to “get” with you. Oh, they might be great friends, but don’t ever fool yourself into thinking that’s all they want. (Test my theory by asking them when they’re drunk.)
My Advice?
When you like a guy do your best to remove any friction he might feel from asking you out.
Become as inviting as possible – comfortable eye contact, smiling, flirting, touching, laughing at his lame jokes, spending time alone with him, etc. (For some reason many girls will stop smiling when they are nervous, and if you’re really hot this will make you seem bitchy.)
Sometimes we guys need OBVIOUS signals before we’ll take a chance. Show him how “safe” it is to ask you out.
Be available. Be fun. Be sweet. Be sexy.
I happen to disagree with girls asking out guys (I don’t like the sexual dynamic this creates), but if it gets the ball rolling, then go ahead.
A word of warning – if you’re still fairly young then once you hit college you’ll find there are plenty of older guys who have no such fear of rejection, and your popularity might shoot through the roof.
Stay fun, hot, and safe!
~ Robby
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Robert! Excellent advice.
I hope to see you more often on the blog. Thanks again for the guest post.
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Thanks for sharing the love Mike! I think we both have an appreciation for women that makes writing such a blog so much fun!
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Hey I would be very interested in your take on why girls shouldn’t ask guys out. I say the same but so few guys admit this that I feel like I am swimming in an ocean of Nay Sayers.
Maybe a short post on this?
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Robbert did you see that this question got a few thumbs up?
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LOL, well I definitely have thoughts on why girls shouldn’t ask guys out… Guess I’ll be writing another post! Yes!
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I’m smart, educated, outgoing, friendly, clever, have a great job (I build valuation models for private companies) and love sports. Yet, I constantly see my guy friends hitting on chicks who aren’t spectacularly interesting, intelligent, or even employed! To add insult to injury, these girls are all less attractive than I am. What gives?
I have to admit, it’s frustrating to see my friends going for chunky, annoying girls with no jobs when they could go out with me. Ultimately, the “why the hell am I single?!” mindset is counterproductive. Once you (or I, for that matter) let it all go and quit thinking about it, things will happen naturally.
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Hehe this all sounds very familiar. Loved the post… I knew it wasn’t just me who was feeling this way!
The other day my friend (who is possibly even more gorgeous than me) and I were at a bar, and we “sidled up to the bar next to these two hot guys. I thought perfect – two hot guys, two hot girls… but alas the two hot guys started chatting up two other girls who were not very attractive (and I’m being objective… I swear – they were the opposite of what we’re always told is attractive in a woman. I won’t go into detail but just take every desirable feature in a woman from man’s point of view…. and these girls did NOT have them).
But my favourite part was later when I noticed the two girls buying drinks… for the guys! Those guys were such bitches… I almost admired them for a moment… and it suddenly became clear. It was very obvious to those guys that my friend and I were used to be catered to by men, even when they won’t ask us out… Those girls were easy… and fawned all over those guys in a way I almost found embarrassing.
And I think hot girls have more guy friends because girls get jealous, especially if you’re single and they have boyfriends (http://wp.me/pMQ3J-H). Guys never feel this way (unless they’re gay and somehow fear their boyfriend is closet straight… ), plus the girl enjoys their company because the guy caters to her, and she can have sex with him whenever she wants to. These are usually guys that she’s sort of dated for a while but for whatever reason the relationship part never really took off. So they’ve remained “friends”. It’s a good place warmer until a boyfriend guy comes along. (I’m speaking hypothetically… I swear…………….
)
Princess T´s last blog ..Speed Dating (Part 2) – the dates
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That’s funny! You’re so right about some hot girls having more guy friends… I’ve seen some insecure women turn so caddy the second they feel threatened by the beauty of another girl.
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So true! And the boyfriend hitting on you constantly really does nothing the help the situation….
Princess T´s last blog ..Speed Dating (Part 2) – the dates
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Robert, great, great advice! You are dead on! With the advice that you and Mike have provided me, I think I’m ready to take on the world!!!
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My ego thanks you. And since I’m also divorced I suspect I’ll be checking out your blog now…
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You know when i started reading this post i thought it didn’t apply to me. I mean I’m pretty but I’ve never thought of myself as particularly “hot.” Then i got to the part about having my guy friends than female friends and thought “shit.” 3/4ths of my friends are guys and its always been that way and the vast majority of their girlfriends hate me. And i guess i understand why I’m smart (working on my masters) funny, pretty, i love sports, cooking, video games, rock music, and motorcycles. I’ve had more than one guy ask me why i am single because apparently “I am perfect” (their words not mine).
And like Kelly, i watch my guy friends hit on chicks that aren’t as attractive as me or are way sluttier than me or are not even remotely good enough to be with my friends. and I always wonder why I almost never get hit on. Part of it is that i get super-nervous around new people and forget how to smile but i think the other problem is that i’m hanging out with a bunch of guys- I assume other guys are going to think i’m taken (correct?).
Elissa´s last blog ..Overly Protective?
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It’s like I said… having high social value (super hot for example) can create a very real isolation from others simply because it can cause jealousy in other women, insecurity in other men, and misguided judgements about you from everyone else.
The best cure that I’ve seen (I have some amazingly beautiful female friends) is to first understand the phenomenon, and then to press through it by continuing to build and trust your own worth/value while going that extra mile to build rapport with those you meet. Once you help people put their guard down about you’ll find they act embarrassed they ever misjudged you.
The fastest way to rapport with strangers who may be guarded is through sincerity, honesty, and fun. It’s hard to think of someone as a bitch when she’s sincerely sweet, honest, and fun. Always smile, have inviting body language, and stay approachable.
For example; don’t hang out with three guy friends with your back to the room. This creates a wall of cock-blocks that will prevent most any guy from busting through. Instead have awareness of your body language and force your buddy’s to sit next to you in a way that doesn’t prevent other men from seeing you (smile at them) and from approaching (tell your buddy’s to chat amongst themselves should someone approach.) And, of course, sometimes allow yourself to wander alone giving others an opportunity to say “well hello there.”
Thanks for the comments!
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Hm, would you also say that this applies to education and such? If I’m honest with myself, I would say that I am pretty but not gorgeous. But I do have a PhD and a job I love. But I find that as soon as I say this, it’s like guys eyes widen and something clicks. A very small percentage will think it’s cool but the vast majority look like they want to high tail it and run. It makes me want to hide it. But I’m proud of it and not going to. But what is the mind set of this? Why be put off by someone having their shit together?
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Beads and other competitions
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This COULD be the same problem ( men being intimidated by an educated woman with ambition) but there are other possibilities.It could ALSO be in the way you express yourself too.
I dated this cute little doctor who was also “african american” and I discovered that she felt she needed to prove herself to her colleagues while at work. She’d go to work and would have to be overly assertive, aggressive, and dominant in order to get her job done.
But when she’d hang out with me she wouldn’t know how to turn it off.
This would cause her to challenge me endlessly, almost as if she felt she needed to stay Masculine and Assertive, instead of relaxing and being more receptive, inviting, and feminine. As she got to know me better she eventually learned to trust my Masculine energy, which helped her relax… but I’m likely more patient than most guys.
To answer your question I’d say, “Yes it’s possible, but it’s not the only reason possible.”
If you find that men are easily frightened away every time then perhaps you need to start choosing men of higher calibre?
Thanks for the question.
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Interesting theory. I’m in academia, so we don’t really have that need to be assertive to get anywhere mentality. Actually it’s kind of the opposite. You have to be very cooperative.
I do think I can be too independent sometimes. I like those words: receptive, inviting, and feminine. I’ve definitely made an effort to dress more feminine, maybe I will take a look at my behavior. Food for thought.
Where are these higher calibre men you speak of?
Lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Beads and other competitions
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