Please help me, How do I fall out of love with her?

I still am in love, what do I do?

I got a question the other day from a reader on Girls Ask Guys. He is 18, from So Cal and in a lot of pain. Didn’t have to edit his letter, bright guy.

I read your article My Heart Is Broke, How Do I Fall Out of Love?, I loved it but I need some further help.

My girlfriend and I broke up after a year together. I truly loved her, I did everything I could but in the end it wasn’t enough. We go to separate schools and saw each other about 3 times a week, always talking on AIM/VCing.

I did everything I could to make her happy. But the last few weeks we didn’t see each other much and about two weeks ago she broke up with me, stating that I was her first love (She was mine too), she still loves me but those feelings of being in a relationship she didn’t share for me.

So She suggested that we continue to hook up in an open relationship, I replied that I didn’t like that because I prefer not to share the girl I love with other people if she did do anything with anyone else. So I said we should remain friends but since then I feel myself not wanting to talk to her or have contact with her. But this is so hard. Almost every few minutes I think of her, completely honest here, everything seems to remind me of her. It hurts, I can’t get her out of my mind, I’m becoming depressed and I feel upset all the time. I’ve tried picking up old hobbies and playing soccer/basketball (the two sports I love) but I just cannot get into them. Nothing interests me anymore, everything I do is a bore to myself. I find myself on the verge of tears at night sometimes because my mind goes to the part where she broke my heart, initially I smile because it’s her but then I am extremely upset.

I need your help, your advice to get me out of this funk. There is a girl I feel I like but that’s only for a rebound but I cannot muster any of the same courage I had previously. I feel I’m losing my mind. I would really really appreciate it if you can help me get past this. I need your expert advice. Maybe there is something I am missing that would help?

I remember going through this once, well actually a few times! The most significant time was with the girl I was engaged to. I am very happy I eventually left her, but the recovery took me nearly a year. I didn’t even know I was going through it until one of the girls I worked with said, “What is your deal? Half the girls that work here are into you but you don’t even notice them!”  She was right; I was totally out to lunch and had no idea that – I had no idea! (Does that make sense?) I eventually woke up after another relationship eclipsed my pain.

First love is probably the hardest to get over but get over it you will, I promise! The reason why it is so difficult now is because of your age and experience. The age part is a huge factor because the chemicals in your brain making you insane, are at their peak because this is probably the first time you are experiencing them. The more experienced however, have walked this chemical path before and know the shortcuts to sanity.

Most of the chemicals in your head are there simply to help propagate the species, that’s really all their there for. When you understand that your brain is doing, it becomes easier to side step a lot of the pain, simply by changing your thinking.

“Falling in Love”

I know I sound like a skeptic putting these in quotes but it is very possible for a Harry Potter like love potion to be found in a pill. Falling in love is very chemical; dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin levels go rather nuts and become somewhat addictive. This is why, when you ”fall out of love” you feel like someone just took away your morphine drip and you say to yourself, “WTF just happened? Why in the world did I feel that way in the first place?” of course the other person is probably still in love and you (the dealer) is out of their drug. They won’t be happy…

Rationalizing it down may not help the fact that you still feel like ass. I wish I could go down to Snape’s dungeon and whip up the anti-love-potion for you! Unfortunately, the potion doesn’t exist and our emotion is something we all must master internally. I don’t know who said it but I always remember the quote, “Mastering your own mind is the greatest journey you will ever undertake”

Now that I have told you what you don’t want to hear, I will try to give you something concrete. I pretty much detailed everything I believe in the post How do I fall out of love but is there more that I could add to that? Some little tidbit that I am holding out on? Well, maybe…

Aggressively create a new connection – I mentioned this in the other post about falling out of love but it deserves repeating. I know this is the last thing you want to do but as I mentioned before, I really only got over my first love when I found my second. It wasn’t as emotionally deep but it certainly helped. Rebounding is poo-poo-ed upon but GOD DAMN… it works well. Do what you have to do to create a new connection: call your exs, hire a prostitute, get drunk and go clubbing, get the hell out there and meet someone!

Run a marathon – Every time I have struggled emotionally with some type of loss I have found that taking on a MASSIVE project has been a lifesaver. You may feel you don’t have the energy to do this but don’t underestimate yourself. Since most of your emotional energies are being used up by your lost love, things become less scary. I ran my first marathon when I was grieving over the loss of a pet I had for 18 years. I was so caught up in the loss of the pet that taking on a huge project was LESS daunting. A ton of my emotional energy got channeled into this new project and to my surprise it ate it all up! All of the rage and helplessness was burnt up in three months of training and wow… after the race I felt as if I physically cried all I could cry and I moved on. (I also did this recently by bicycling across the US and Canada with the same result, my channel is physical but yours might be more mental?)

The most important point

Realize this isn’t real – This step is by far the most important and effective, IF you can apply it. It is also the hardest to accept because humans tend to create their identity around their emotions and life situations. (Which is bullshit) All of your feelings, all of your pain is really not real. It is something that you brain chemistry decided to mix up into a pain tonic, then forced you to drink. All of our anxiety and pain is based on the same concept and we can either revel in it, rolling around like a pig in depressed shit or we can take the wheel.

What this means is that your thinking is a conduit to your brain chemistry, well actually they are one in the same but you have conscious control over thinking at least. This is why people are able to do amazing things; it is not because they are amazing but because what they BELIEVE is amazing! So, if you are thinking that this is a horrible horrible situation, then your brain backs it up by creating the chemistry that MAKES it a horrible situation. I could go on and on and on about this subject but if you really want to understand more I would suggest the book, “The Power of Now” this book took me from a near suicidal state, into a peace that I never knew existed and it did so in less than a week. Give it a read if you are not able to talk your self down from the make believe chemical cliff you are standing on.  (A lot of you just grazed over this section because you may not be ready or willing to hear it. This has been on of the most eye opening concepts in my life and I urge you to take another look)

What to learn for the future

You made a key statement when you said, “I did everything I could to make her happy.” It pains me deeply to say that this was probably a mistake and most likely pushed her away.
In a healthy relationship both partners are doing everything they can to make the other happy, this is bliss but I don’t think you had this balance. I think, the ship was going down and your response made perfect sense, although it was wrong.

I remember being on the cusp of being fired from a job once, I decided to take that exact stance! I would be the best employee I could I would tongue more ass than a Swedish porn, I was their bitch! What did it do? I got fired anyway and probably sooner because I was perceived as a weenie they didn’t need.

Every healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and it MUST be that way. If that respect is violated with some heavy duty brown nosing the result will be disgust. You must stand up for yourself and in doing so you must be willing to lose what you so want to keep. Being willing to lose what you want because you are not willing to violate your own self-respect is the key to any healthy relationship with anyone.

What now?

• You got to let her go 100% this mean no more contact in any form!
• Learn the lesson the relationship had to teach and move on
• Realize your feelings are very chemical and your thinking and focus can change those chemicals
• Read “The Power of Now” and/or “Busting loose from the money game”
• Tackle a HUGE task to channel all that crappy energy
• And… don’t be afraid to get back on the horse, maybe next time you will buck it?

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