I still love him, why won’t he forgive me?

Why wont he forgive me?

Question bag!

Michelle is in her early 20’s. She contacted me on Facebook with this dilemma. The letter is a bit edited since it was originally LONG… but I think you get the gist.

He lives in Indiana half the time and Ohio half the time. He liked me a lot, it was obvious… it ended… (his choice) very awkwardly, with very little communication and all based on a misunderstanding. I made one attempt a couple days later for us to work things out by texting him to let him know it was a misunderstanding and asking if we could talk. I got no response…

Anyway so I told myself I wasn’t gonna be that typical girl… I left him alone, I haven’t called or texted in forever, never did the whole clinger/stalker thing by any means… I thought, whatever, with time it gets better. Except it really hasn’t been true in this way and I think it’s because we we’re special, and had this misunderstanding not occurred- we would’ve been really good for each other.

So my question… I wrote him a letter. It’s not long, it’s not pouring out my feelings of undying love for him, it’s not a plea to get back together. It’s just an explanation of things he didn’t know that I think he should, or if nothing else, I’d like for him to know. I haven’t sent it… because I figured writing it might be therapy enough, but I kinda want to…
what are the possible thoughts/reactions you might have to that? Is the simple act of writing him months later gonna get me labeled as the crazy girl just by itself? Or does it depend on the letter?

Hey Michelle,

I can answer this very quickly since I have seen it/felt it many times. I am assuming that the guy heard something about you involving another guy and something sexual. But, that really doesn’t matter.

What matters is the fact that you can’t move on. His lack of approval of your behavior is a black mark on your ego and you desperately need his forgiveness to move on with your life.
Don’t fool yourself thinking that you still care deeply for him. He has a part of your ego and is holding it hostage and your “care for him” is only your ego wanting to be whole again.

The truth is that you are the one giving him that power. The second you decided to move on, to not care, and to accept that his approval doesn’t really matter is the second that chunk of ego will come flying back into place.

The second truth is that you enjoy having the connection still. Tension is attraction and he is holding a ton of tension over you by not forgiving. This is a bit fun because you can have a little bit drama and passion in your life generated by something that isn’t real. Unfortunately, this is like drinking, fun in the moment but not healthy long term.

So what to do?

The long road is to wait for time to heal an injury you inflicted on yourself. The short road is to flip this on its ear. You don’t want him, you only want his approval and his “forgiveness” but really for what? A misunderstanding? (That probably wasn’t…) You are not a bad person but for some reason you want to be treated like one? See yourself as stronger than this and take responsibility for your own emotions.

So stop, take a deep breath, and force yourself to realize this drama is all in your head. Let it go and none of it will matter.

P.S. don’t send the letter, if he wanted to be with you he would have been driven to understand the truth when it happened.

P.P.S. Any guy that refuses to allow someone he cares about to explain has some serious intimacy issues. He need to prove to himself that women are out there to hurt him, that is why he never let you explain. Even if he knew the truth it would only be a matter of time before you “hurt” him again. Let the nutcase be someone else’s problem!

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