Why wont he forgive me?
Question bag!
Michelle is in her early 20’s. She contacted me on Facebook with this dilemma. The letter is a bit edited since it was originally LONG… but I think you get the gist.
He lives in Indiana half the time and Ohio half the time. He liked me a lot, it was obvious… it ended… (his choice) very awkwardly, with very little communication and all based on a misunderstanding. I made one attempt a couple days later for us to work things out by texting him to let him know it was a misunderstanding and asking if we could talk. I got no response…
Anyway so I told myself I wasn’t gonna be that typical girl… I left him alone, I haven’t called or texted in forever, never did the whole clinger/stalker thing by any means… I thought, whatever, with time it gets better. Except it really hasn’t been true in this way and I think it’s because we we’re special, and had this misunderstanding not occurred- we would’ve been really good for each other.
So my question… I wrote him a letter. It’s not long, it’s not pouring out my feelings of undying love for him, it’s not a plea to get back together. It’s just an explanation of things he didn’t know that I think he should, or if nothing else, I’d like for him to know. I haven’t sent it… because I figured writing it might be therapy enough, but I kinda want to…
what are the possible thoughts/reactions you might have to that? Is the simple act of writing him months later gonna get me labeled as the crazy girl just by itself? Or does it depend on the letter?
Hey Michelle,
I can answer this very quickly since I have seen it/felt it many times. I am assuming that the guy heard something about you involving another guy and something sexual. But, that really doesn’t matter.
What matters is the fact that you can’t move on. His lack of approval of your behavior is a black mark on your ego and you desperately need his forgiveness to move on with your life.
Don’t fool yourself thinking that you still care deeply for him. He has a part of your ego and is holding it hostage and your “care for him” is only your ego wanting to be whole again.
The truth is that you are the one giving him that power. The second you decided to move on, to not care, and to accept that his approval doesn’t really matter is the second that chunk of ego will come flying back into place.
The second truth is that you enjoy having the connection still. Tension is attraction and he is holding a ton of tension over you by not forgiving. This is a bit fun because you can have a little bit drama and passion in your life generated by something that isn’t real. Unfortunately, this is like drinking, fun in the moment but not healthy long term.
So what to do?
The long road is to wait for time to heal an injury you inflicted on yourself. The short road is to flip this on its ear. You don’t want him, you only want his approval and his “forgiveness” but really for what? A misunderstanding? (That probably wasn’t…) You are not a bad person but for some reason you want to be treated like one? See yourself as stronger than this and take responsibility for your own emotions.
So stop, take a deep breath, and force yourself to realize this drama is all in your head. Let it go and none of it will matter.
P.S. don’t send the letter, if he wanted to be with you he would have been driven to understand the truth when it happened.
P.P.S. Any guy that refuses to allow someone he cares about to explain has some serious intimacy issues. He need to prove to himself that women are out there to hurt him, that is why he never let you explain. Even if he knew the truth it would only be a matter of time before you “hurt” him again. Let the nutcase be someone else’s problem!
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know. If, as you concede, it wasn’t a “misunderstanding” at all, then doesn’t he have every right to say “see ya, toots?”
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Well from what she tells me, he never let her explain the side of the story. It was only rumor that became fact in his mind. (Apparently he has done this to other girls too)
So I agree he might have every right to bail, the problem lies in her not being able to let him bail.
I had a similar situation once. I decided, if he is so weak as to be swayed by manipulative people (or rumours), then he is too weak for me. I want a strong man who knows his own mind and knows me as I really am. He is obviously too weak and psychologically unstable to be worth caring about.
Don’t send the letter, burn it. Forget him for the loser he is, his loss, your gain – you will find someone a lot better and not be burdened with the kind of guy you’d have to worry about reassuring every other week.
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I’d say that sending the letter just gives him a chance to reject you … again.
No, don’t send it. There’s someone out there (FOR YOU) who will take the time to see a ‘misunderstanding’ for what it really is!
QTMama´s last blog ..The RE and QT Question Hour
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The guy I had this “misunderstanding” with me still stands and stares at me whenever I go into the bar where he sometimes works as a dj. A year or so later. After I’ve moved back to my homeland and am just visiting friends.
Part of me wonders, has he realised, is that why he is staring? He must be thinking something to keep staring. I could bite the bullet and start the conversation, but why give him the victory. He’s a weakling, not worthy of my time, never was.
Exactly as you say, QTMama, don’t give a man a chance to reject you twice.
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If Mike had a “like” button here, as they do on FaceBook? I’d of officially “LIKED” your comment Rose!
QTMama´s last blog ..Stuff, The F Word, Full Moons and ShaNaNa
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that’s a good idea! I might look for that button. Maybe get one installed on my forehead?
I LIKED Rose’s comment. Dude. Did you totally just steal my idea.
QTMama´s last blog ..Stuff, The F Word, Full Moons and ShaNaNa
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it was a good idea!
i wonder how it will play out…
want the plugin name?