Ma'am! put down the weiner!!
This question comes from a post I wrote about a month ago about how being attractive and having a lot of choices actually becomes a block to finding a proper relationship. I know… High Quality Problem right? However, (one eyebrow raised) This question is more about, New Partner Addiction, something that usually afflicts guys more than the ladies.
Tara writes:
I have a question. How do you get out of this cycle? Let me explain myself… I am an extremely attractive blond chick living in a big city. I have dated way more than any of my friends simply because I get hit on almost daily. (Kinda flys in the face of the recent post “Does the girl next door get asked out more often?“- Mike) Because of this happening to me most of my adult life I have found myself not only used to it but addicted to meeting new men. I would like to be committed, but I find myself losing interest inevitably as I seriously enjoy my “choices.” Is there any way to break this pattern and addiction? I would like to have a family one day but am struggling with the idea of monogamy. Every time I am in a relationship I feel trapped.
I can’t help but smile/giggle when I hear a girl struggling with what is typically a guy problem. (I wish that 3/4 of the female population were like this!)
What is also fun is I can almost promise you that she has:
• Multiple stalkers
• Guys that would do anything for her
• Many guys that have proposed to her
• A raging libido satisfied by a few consistent fuck-friends
• Far more guy-friends than girl-friends
Hopefully Tara will come by and verify some of these things.
Tara there are most likely a few things going on in your particular situation:
1. You are on a quest for your match
Tara has not met the right guy and she feels a little like she is going through a huge mismatched sock drawer. She is throwing out sock after sock, feeling more and more frustrated, but she continues to dig, faster and faster until she either finds that match or realizes she is in the wrong drawer. The match is out there, but the timing probably is not, she can either continue her rampage until it naturally burns itself out or get some down time, on a farm, in Iowa, milking… cows. (This really is a self correcting problem, Porn-stars do eventually retire, if you know what I mean)
2. If you got a coke problem don’t move to Columbia!
If you have an addiction, any addiction, you don’t hang out where the supply is cheap and unlimited. Lets take for example, someone that has an addiction to Krispy Kreme donuts (oh… I think I just got wood) The last place this person wants to live is right across from one of these stores and the second to last thing, is to walk by when hungry! Translation: Don’t hang out with the people or at the places that feed your addiction and for god sakes, stop showing so much ass!
3. Where is the core? What is the actual issue?
There are a lot of very attractive men and women that don’t go through this addictive cycle. They have, long term relationships and have, normal marriages (then get divorced and try again) they are the majority, you (and I) unfortunately are the minority. The reason why people have addictions like this is because it is a sort of a band-aid on the soul. There is a part of you that hurts a little less when it is covered by another sexy guy, and another, and another… and okay! one more for the road!!
My guess is that you need the validation over and over and over again that you are beautiful, that you are worthy, and that you are desired. Unfortunately, this is a bottomless pit filled with the bodies of all those poor rejected men.
My prescription? You gotta go cold turkey babe… Time to see what it is like to be alone for a while. Stop texting, calling, IMing and emailing all the guys that want you. While on your guy cleanse you need to focus on being comfortable in your own skin. Comfortable, without having the constant meaningless affirmations to your ego by men you could care less about. You need to realize that you like yourself alone as much at you do with a man. When you reach that point, settling down really isn’t that scary.
Make sense?
P.S. Will Tara take my advice? Naw… not yet, breaking this kind of addiction is nearly as hard as quiting smoking. What will happen is Tara will probably continue this addiction until is naturally burns itself out, but will remain smoldering until she decides to snuff it out.
God, I love that picture of the cat. I almost pissed myself when I found it! and the fact that it is devouroing a wiener!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Also, to get back to some of your earlier advice, it could be that if she is really all that in demand, she may be having trouble finding someone who really challenges her. I’ve also found myself drawn to the new relationship euphoria in the past. Now I’m with a girl who challenges me daily (in a healthy way – I’ve been with the unhealthy kind too), and I find myself completely uninterested in looking for something new, even though we’ve been together awhile.
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That would be the sock draw answer I gave right?
However, I really don’t think she is on that quest. Anyone that truly challenges her is probably not going to be very healthy because she doesn’t seem that healthy right now.
I think this is interesting, and sort of confirms what we were discussing about approachability. She is approached a lot because she craves the attention and is therefore much more receptive to the attention. Of course, being stunning AND going out craving attention is a winning mix to get a lot of attention. I bet she has very little bitch shield… and people can pick up on these vibes we all give out. While we all crave some attention sometimes, most women, in reality, only want a certain kind of attention from certain types of men (the type varies from one woman to another, but the concept is still the same). Hence the “bitch shield” is formed, as you say, filtering out undesirable forms of attention.
So I guess the exception to your observation that prettier girls have stronger bitch shields is the man-eater. It seems your options with the prettiest girls are either to be immediately, and sometimes brutally, rebuffed, or chewed up and spit out. You guys have it pretty tough sometimes…
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Ha! and girls wonder why guys are too afraid to approach them sometimes!
Men have become too soft these days…
Princess T´s last blog ..Feminism or Bitchism?
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Especially when a girl is well liked by a lot of other guys, a good guy will not even approach her. He’ll assume she’s a sleaze and that there’s too much competition from other guys for him to deal with. And yes, girls suffer more from new partner addiction than guys but a lot of them won’t talk about it because of social shame and possibly violence against them, although though they are biologically programmed to have more partners than guys, even when they are older too (Yup, older women even have lots of guys chasing after them! And they do hop from guy to guy.). But it can do girls a lot of biological harm like STDs and unwanted pregnancies which is the bad part, though.
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God I totally empathise. I wouldn’t say I am mega attractive, I think I’m a charismatic friendly and relatively witty 8, as I explained before. But yeah I can say tick tick tick to all those things you listed about this blonde. Totally empathise.
I think sometimes it can be a reflection of body dysmorphic disorder. Google it. There actually seem to be a lot of people who suffer from it who are above normal attractiveness, but striving for absolute (impossible) perfection. I do the whole jumping from guy to guy thing too, and keep my adoring fans, sorry, male friends, around because they soothe my ego when it gets bruised.
I notice myself that I don’t necessarily feel too ugly to leave the house without being done up any more, but I think I have gotten addicted to the attention I get when I do have nice (well-fitting, fashionable, not slutty) clothes and make-up on. I get that daily boost of being hit-on that she is speaking about. It is also about how everyone treats you: service staff being extra helpful, people wanting to give you work, people letting you first on the bus, people not charging as much for services because they like you, cars stopping so I can cross the busy road, people letting you on transport for free… All this, would I have it if I wasn’t done up? Ah, maybe it would. I’ve trialled it a couple of times in attempting to self-therapy myself. Perhaps it has more to do with the fact I’m a relatively naturally pretty, busty, friendly woman. Either way, I’m ADDICTED to the positive feedback. After years of feeling low receiving insults every day at school, now I don’t really know what it is like, or want to know what it is like, to receive no feedback at all.
I get what you mean about going cold turkey… Yeah, she’s on a slightly different stage to me. I say get pickier, but going cold turkey will never work. It is a problem that will resolve itself when you find someone truly compatible.
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Either that or it will result in her getting old, not getting attention anymore, and then settling for any man who still pays her the attention she so craves and had become used to in her beautiful youth…
I know what you mean about the attention – I enjoy the privileges afford to the beautiful women. My favourite is not waiting in line to get into any bar, or standing in line to get a taxi… I hate line-ups!
I think when it comes to men I’m just picky so I don’t have a string of boyfriends because I won’t date just anyone. And then I get frustrated because all these “average” girls have boyfriend after boyfriend, but then I realise that these are guys I would never look at (I mean, they’re short, or they have low-paying jobs, or worse – they’re students!) so I shouldn’t be surprised that I’ve only had a small number of boyfriends in my life, while they seem to always have a guy on their arm. I just won’t settle for anything but the best.
Princess T´s last blog ..Feminism or Bitchism?
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BTW the first part of my comment was supposed to be sarcastic, but I think it just came out bitchy reading it back… sorry.
Anyway, we’re all going to be old one day! :-S
Princess T´s last blog ..Feminism or Bitchism?
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Nah it didn’t sound busy.
Yeah those privileges, you get so used to them, you forget that others don’t get them.
And yeah, better to be picky. I think in some ways the more choice the woman can have, the higher on the league she is, the more she is seeking to find a male equivalent – and there are less of them!
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Oh to have this problem, lol.
lifebeginsat30ty´s last blog ..Crush, part 2
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I’ll be damned if this isn’t right on the money… damn it Mike, you’ve done it again… where the hell was this blog 10 years ago, I could have saved myself a looooooot of energy.
@ lifebeginsat30ty I assure you this isn’t a problem that you really want to have it can be quite paralyzing.
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damn… don’t stop!! feed my needy ego!