My friend Dating Diva over at talesfromaninternetdater just wrote an excellent article about a guy who demanded a minimum of third date sex. This moron inspired me to write a short post on why men care about sex so much and how you should react to it.
Lessons from friends
I was 24 and working as a waiter at the Cheesecake Factory near LA when I overheard a coworker’s phone conversation, “If all you want to do is fuck me, then you are going to have to wait, I want more and without it, your dick stays in it’s pants!” The reason this conversation stuck with me was because it was a guy talking to another guy.
This was a bit confusing since my gay coworker had made multiple sexual advances towards me. I couldn’t understand how someone that wanted to go to bed with me was resisting someone else. I had always figured that gay guys were monstrous sluts and if stuck in a room together they would end up naked, sweating and pumping. Why was this not the case?
Realizing that theses guys had the same trouble strait people had gave me some hope that even I was capable of wanting a real relationship.
My friend finally puts out
To my surprise I have heard this exact type of problem with lesbian couples. A friend of mine just called to tell me that she finally slept with her girlfriend. I was a bit intrigued since she is relatively young and extremely attractive. “Why were you waiting?” I asked. “Duh, I don’t want her to just fuck me and go!” The image of her getting screwed by a woman with a strap on lingered in my head like a bong hit. “Oh… wow…” I said.
So what does this mean? Are all men looking for sex and all women looking for relationships? Clearly not! Or the gay couples I have talked to are a bit confused.
I think what is going on with them is exactly the same as the strait population. There is a role, almost a dance that two people follow, whatever their sexual orientation is.
If one person is the relationship demander the other becomes the sexual aggressor. The odd thing is that either sex can take on either role. I have a few times fallen into the relationship role with a more aggressive girl and when she disappeared I cried my eyes out.
Understanding that his sexual aggression might be a result of your relationship need is the point. Since people tend to fall into roles because of the vacuum that exists, wouldn’t it make sense to you not to leave that vacuum in the first place?
In other words is it possible that you are getting an overflow of guys that want only sex BECAUSE you are so relationship driven??
Make sure you take a look at the comment section, great dialogue here.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Hmmmm…. interesting thought, Mike.
I have a friend who is SO relationship material but he is choosing to be alone because he is trying to figure out who he is. In the meanwhile, he wants to just have sex with girls. But the girls that are attracted to him, love him because he is great relationship material. So, he’s not getting any because he doesn’t want a relationship just yet!
I would think that communicating your needs right up front would tell the tale. Then again, I know some men and women that would say anything to get sex. Which basically means, listen closely and watch body language. You should be able to tell what the other person wants from you.
*Should* being the operative word there…
T´s last blog ..Lover of Lingerie
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Hey! Great to see T here.
I would agree that you can watch to see what guy’s intentions are.
I always walk into the situation very very clearly explaining that I am NOT available and if they get involved with me it is at their own risk. This might be a good line for your friend to take. It sounds off putting but I have been astounded by how easy it makes things.
Women can get a man to take the relationship more seriously by taking on a more male roll but does the opposite work? can a man get sex more often by taking on a female role? hmmm… I will have to think about that.
Hmm. So you are saying I need to be all about sex in order to finally find a guy who wants a relationship? Seems like I would still not end up in a relationship, just lots of sex. Which obviously is not a bad thing…but in my eyes, not very fulfilling.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Dating Stories: Texting is the New Phone Call
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Okay, I’m kinda notorious for having this problem. When i get close to a guy i want a relationship and he always just wants sex. Sometimes i cave (because honestly, i really like sex) and sometimes i don’t. But what i always get is the “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” line, and I don’t know how to tell if the guy is genuine when he says that or not. I mean are they like T’s friend whose trying to find himself, or are they really saying “I’d fuck you, but i’d never date you.” Is there a good way to tell, or do i just have to try and get burned to figure it out?
Elle´s last blog ..Get Inside My Head
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Hey Elle– that line means he just wants sex…it’s an excuse.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Dating Stories: Texting is the New Phone Call
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DD it does sound like I am saying that. What I really am saying is that men smell what your intentions are and like a rat sniffing at some cheese become aware of the trap. When they are aware they become centered only on stealing the cheese and escaping. So don’t sleep with them right away and at the same time be the one that is stand offish about relationships. This will intrigue most men.
Mikethemasterdater´s last blog ..He wants sex but I want a relationship!
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Elle as for knowing if he wants only to sleep with you. I don’t think this is too hard.
Okay… lets look at it from the opposite perspective. I am EXTREMELY good at stealing the cheese and I think I am good at this for one simple reason. I show zero interest in the cheese. I am not sexually aggressive, I don’t initiate, I never bring up sex, I never ask for sex, I don’t care if we have sex or not! I truly don’t care… really!
The girls that have intrigued me with thoughts of relationship have been the one that didn’t want it. They were the one that didn’t have it as their priority, something that makes guys want to run. Just like me not having sex as a priority disarmed women, you not having relationship as a priority will disarm men.
There are a lot of women out there that actually have a problem with guys wanting to get serious with them and I promise you NONE of them are relationship driven.
Mikethemasterdater´s last blog ..He wants sex but I want a relationship!
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OK I see what you are saying. Although I would say that lately, I am very standoffish with all of the guys who’ve approached me…but maybe so much that they don’t even think I am interested. :/
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Dating Stories: Texting is the New Phone Call
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It doesn’t matter if you are stand offish.
Imagine if a guy acted that way, you would guess very quickly why and thus be a little freaked out. After all you don’t want to be the one to break his heart again. So you never get very close because you can sense the expectation emanating from him.
So the love sick boy is essentially creating the situation, he is creating the failure.
Mikethemasterdater´s last blog ..He wants sex but I want a relationship!
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You are making me more depressed by the minute. lol. Now to not try to sound soundoffish, relationship driven, or lovesick when I talk to that guy tonight. Wow this is going to be hard work.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Dating Stories: Texting is the New Phone Call
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I don’t have anything to add. I just wanted to be part of the cool kids.
If I ever get divorced, I’m done with relationships completely. I mean that. I’m going to turn into the female version of Mike.
Jillian´s last blog ..Motivation
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DD was posting as I was posting. Sometimes, some of this stuff just feels like a game. Actually, most all of it does. The game gets me down and makes me feel icky. I think you should just be yourself, but what do I know? I’m not the one trying to get the guy or writing the dating journal.
Jillian´s last blog ..Motivation
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Okay Mike…you asked me to comment directly on your blog, so here goes….but be careful what you wish for right? Cause you know we tend to disagree on things!
In response to your question? I think it completely depends on the person. There is a huge difference between purely physical mind-blowing sex and mind-blowing sex that has a cerebral connection. But I don’t think that everyone is aware of the latter, which is in no way a bad thing….as long as it still fulfills whatever need they have. Maybe it means that they’re just more carefree (or in denial), but I think the point that I’m trying to make, is that it’s about what works for you. I’ve had many conversations with my girlfriends about why I don’t want to be with the perfectly nice guy who looks great on paper and about settling, and I finally realized that what some of us perceive as settling, is actually quite satiating to others. Some people revel in the dysfunction……oh, I’m probably not being fair b/c not all would describe it as such. And at the end of the day, neither of us want to be in the other’s position. I may not want to succumb to what I perceive as settling, and she may be really happy to have constant companionship and the invaluable sense of security.
As for the overflow of sex? C’mon…..most guys are going to take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself. That’s not to say it won’t develop into something else, but in his head, in the moment, that’s not what it’s about.
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Yeah, so um Mike, thanks for making me miss that phone call with that guy last night. Blowing him off totally makes me not look like I want a relationship. Grr.
Jillian, I said that as I was going through a divorce, but then I realized that I just deserved better and to be happy with a guy who treats me good. Yeah, I know, as you can tell from my blog, that hasn’t happened yet, but my divorce didn’t make me give up hope that it will.
Lisa, I totally get what you mean about settling. I’ve tried to explain this to a certain dating blogger who may remain nameless, but he instead just says I’m picky. I also think that mind blowing sex is 10x better when it’s with someone you have a connection with. Also? “in his head” that had a double meaning right? haha!
Dating Diva´s last blog ..Internet Dating: Profile Picture Do’s & Don’ts
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DD – You’re funny! It’s all about the double entendre for those who see it! Hey…maybe you missed your phone call cause you’re just not that into him or really just don’t want a relationship with HIM?
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Wow–All I can say is, thank God I’m not out there anymore! I admire you ladies for working though all of this. I think things were simpler when I was single, or I was a romantic naive who got lucky in my relationships and ended up very happily married at a shockingly early age (for my generation at least).
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What ever Sarah, nothing has changed.
You actually got pretty lucky in the beginning but I don’t believe in luck.
Oh by the way thanks for rubbing your happy marriage in everyone’s face!
Well, if it wasn’t luck, then it was blissful naivete, which sure made it seem like luck!
Sarah´s last blog ..War in The Congo: Consumer Technology & Human Rights
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DD, this is good information to have. Thank you.
Jillian´s last blog ..The ice cream truck
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I’ve got a long history of first dates only. After a first date with me, I believe most men are required to board a space shuttle to Venus because they literally fall of the face of the planet.
In the rare chance I do get more than one date …and sexy time happens (aka “they get what they want” – just rolling with the conquest stereotype)..they too then have to board that shuttle.
So I recently had the epiphany, I’m just going to start screwing on the first date… This way I get what I want (sex) but I also get the closure of at least dropping them off at NASA for their shuttle launch.
And from what I’ve read above, changing to the “love and leave ‘em” mentality will actually be more attractive as a relationship prospect.
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wow, Mel
That sucks! Why do you think the guys run?
I hate to bring this up but do you have any idea why they would hit and split?
As for the hit it and quit it…the only thing I can think of is that I’m *more* sexual than they are…maybe more aggressive in bed than they’re used to… An old boyfriend actually asked me “do you think it’s weird that the sex is always so ‘intense’ between us?” Umm intense pleasure is never weird in my book. But then again, maybe I’m too forward or perceived as too experienced thus falling into the slut whore not-relationship material, so they split..
Here’s a post I put up at DD’s site——-
I’m a confident woman and find that when I look at each first date as a networking opportunity (go meet someone new, have a good time) it eases anxiety or pressure which allows me to be more calm, cool and collected.
However, I’m notorious for first dates being the last date. I’ve been reflecting lately on why they seem to bolt and the only thing I’ve come up with is that the caliber of men I’m meeting is..umm less than stellar.
I’ve often been told I am intimidating, and I can see how…I’m attractive, smart, have a great career, own a house and maintain a high level of independence. I actually had a friend’s husband suggest I “down play” my success, possibly even buy an old beater car…but honestly, I’d rather be the crazy cat lady than not be true to myself.
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I’ve been in that kind of relationship before. Really difficult because I’m looking for a long term relationship.
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You all seem to give very good advice so here I am, in need, please help! OK so I started seeing this guy whom I thought was a GREAT catch. Things were A-mazing for the first 3 weeks! We really hit it off; he wants to be with me all the time, he’s taking me out, talking on the phone a lot, great sex, introducing me to his friends, making future plans, etc., etc. Then he gets “sick” like the flu or something and finds out he has high blood pressure and it seems like he’s a completely different person. I know he really was/is sick and he is stressed out b/c has to make some major lifestyle changes for his health but he just seems so standoffish toward me. Also, he works crazy hours right now, outside in the dead of winter, so he’s kind of miserable and tired. But he seems like he’s pushing me away now or something, like maybe he is not as interested in me as he was for some reason? He keeps telling me I’m reading to much into this but he shows no enthusiasm toward me and when we talk (in person or text or phone), and our phone conversations are now very brief. He takes a longer time to respond to my texts then before, cancels our already made plans due to work or bad weather or not feeling well, hasn’t spoken of any new plans, and the last time I went to his house we had sex and then he seemed like he had no interest to even talk to me after. He claims he does want a relationship and he’s not scared of commitment and that he has to get his head together that he’s still not feeling well and he knows he’s not treating me right and his feelings haven’t changed toward me at all but I don’t know if I should believe him. It seems like now he won’t even make plans with me unless sex is going to be on the agenda so that makes me feel like he’s just dragging me along just for that? He tells me I’m a great girl and he cares about me; he even tells me things like “I should just marry you” and that he loves me! He keeps insisting it’s him and he just needs to get his sh*t together and asking me if I will give him another chance when he does but I don’t know if I’m buying it! Am I crazy? Should I run? I thought he was a genuinely good guy but I have some serious doubts….. I’m the type of person that understands he may truly be sick but this has been going on for 2 weeks now and actions speak louder then words. Valentine’s day is in 3 days and there has been no mention whatsoever of any plans.
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So rarely do I get question that I like to answer or have an answer that I haven’t given 100 times already.
1st he is telling the truth.
2nd he is a good guy
3rd he cant and wont change his feelings until he feels good
I learned lesson three on a bike ride across the country, I remember not giving a rats ass about any controversy, romance, or bullshit in my life. Why? because I was completely obsessed with, food, water, and where the fuck I would sleep this night. I even came up with a saying, “When the little things become big (food, water) the big things become little (sex, romance, arguments)” I think one can witness this same thing on many deathbeds.
So point is, why in the world should he care about a relationship when he is terrified he is going to die in the next 6 months to a year? Not only that but if he is job if physically grueling, all his extra energy (and there isn’t much because he is so stressed) is poured into his work. How could he possible have room for something as frivolous as a romance?
So what do you do? Well, first you protect your emotions, the next time he wants to have sex, you tell him you can’t. Tell him that, sex means attachment for women and if he can’t reciprocate that attachment it will only break your heart (most men don’t know this). Next, get off his back, this isnt about you and it’s not some strange elaborate rejection tactic. He was serious about the marriage thing btw. Leave him alone, stop fucking him, explain why, and finally support him. Let him know what you will wait for him, the he is special enough to you that you will postpone romance if he can postpone sex. Ask him what you can do to support him, cook him dinner? wash his clothes once in a while? Something to take the pressure off, something to remove the stress. A hot Thermos of sugar free hot chocolate? (Sugar and HBP are not friends)
I am also a nutritionist, and lowing blood pressure is a snap. I see you are from Reading Pennsylvania and I assume the diet is typical horrible American fare. As you have heard many many many times, American food is horrible. If you want to educate him and yourself one of the best books I know on reversing the American Disease is “Protein Power by the Eades” or interestingly enough a student and quite famous entrepreneur just finished a fascinating book that teaches the same concepts “The Four hour body, by Tim Ferris”
Good luck and don’t worry about Valentines, it is just a day. (maybe you could be the guy?)
Ok well, I DO believe he likes me now so thanks a ton for clearing that up!!
However, he has HBP it’s not like he found out he has cancer or a terminal illness. Nevertheless, I did make him dinner a couple times and offered to go to the gym with him but he said he needed to do this on his own b/c he doesn’t want to rely on someone else (so I was pushed away yet again).
I’m trying to be sympathetic and we’ve agreed to pull back on things a little bit so now we don’t talk as often. When we do talk, it’s just small talk and he shows little to no interest in my life. I miss him so I want to know what he has been up to and how is day was and he never asks me about my day, life, etc. He does tell me he misses me but that’s all I get. It’s just COMPLETELY opposite from when we were first together. Like night and day.
As I said before, I feel like the only time he shows enthusiasm with me is when he’s referencing something sexual. So when exactly is a good time to tell someone that you feel like only wants to hangout with you if you sleep with them that you’re not going to sleep with them? LOL Also, I have needs too! It’s hard to see him and hold out when that’s so not my style to be an uptight b*tch and I feel like that’d be me punishing him or something for my selfish need to be romanced?
IDK. Why are relationships so complicated? Maybe I need more attention in a relationship then he is ever going to be willing to give? I think all women have a need to feel woman special in a relationship. Maybe he is the one that is being selfish right now? Maybe this isn’t going to work in the long run if this is how he reacts to stress, by shutting someone he “loves” out, then maybe this isn’t a relationship that I would even want to be in and it’s not worth waiting around for?
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BTW I actually just started reading The 4-hour body and he already has a copy! Thanks for the other book suggestion, I’ll be sure to pick it up!
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