Funny Story Friday – Side Effects of an IUD
Her vagina close up, can you see the IUD?
I have wanted to write about this story for a really long time but I really couldn’t find a good way to use it. Now I have funny story Friday!
I met a girl online once and we hit it off very well. We started to instant message, text and it eventually led to long phone conversations. We really had a connection for a while but there was one problem, she lived 3,000 miles away from me. When she told me that she was going to be in California for a little while I was exited to meet her in person.
I picked her up at the airport and was happy to find she was pretty much what I expected. There were no gnarly hairs poking out of spots they shouldn’t be and she clearly was female. This took care of most of my concerns but I still was in for a shock.
We had a bit of an uncomfortable conversation on the way back from the airport. It was forced and bit fake but I figured it was because we were both a little nervous to meet in person. When we arrived at my house the three months of phone foreplay kicked in. We were naked and going at it only ten minutes later.
The sex was pretty good but something strange happened that was a precursor to the rest of the week.
Amanda and I had a pretty complete conversation on being tested and she added she had an IUD. So when the passion hit us we didn’t search for a condom. Even though I knew she had an IUD I don’t like to do my stuff inside of a woman. So right at the cusp of reaching my happy place I pulled out and let go on her tummy.
“What the fuck!” she yelled completely destroying my orgasm. Her face was was twisted into disgust and my knee jerk was to apologize profusely. Fortunately I knew better, “What do you mean what the fuck?? Jesus calm down.” I said scowling in the dark. I cleaned her up and we talked about it.
Turns out Amanda didn’t have a ton of sexual experience and was a brat with a temper. I couldn’t believe I was stuck with her for a week, what was I thinking? Don’t I write a website about this stuff?? I made the best of it and showed her a good time even though everyday I disliked her more. (Amanda reads my blog and is a friend, and for fun I am giving her a harder time than she deserves)
I don’t know about you but when I don’t like someone I am not very sexually attracted to them so it was very hard to be involved. A few nights I bit the bullet and just did it (yeah I know poor me) and other nights I just fell asleep hoping she wouldn’t initiate anything. The last night I felt obligated to put out and I did. This is when it happened.
We were doing the deed and finanlly things were getting a little better. After she had an orgasm or two I figured I could let go. As I was about to go over something bit the tip of my penis! “OUCH!!! Fuck!!! What the hell was that!!! OUCH!!! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!! I pulled out hyperventilating from the pain. “What!? What happened? Are you okay??” she said nearly as surprised as I was. In a painful daze I walked to the bathroom to see if any damage was done. To my shock the was a small tear in the tip of my penis and it hurt like HELL…
“Mike are you okay? What happened??” “I hit your IUD really fucking hard and it cut me!!” I said showing her the damage. She didn’t know what to say and blinked at me instead. “Jesus Amanda! You are hiding a fucking alligator in your vagina!”
The next day Amanda woke so nauseated that she nearly puked in bed. While in the bathroom she did a little digging to see if all was well in her gator infested Va-JJ. To her surprise she found that one of the IUD wires was bent and pushed up inside of her uterus. She pulled it out and the nausea vanished.
Amanda and I didn’t create a relationship but we did talk about things and to my surprise Amanda apologized to me. She told me that she didn’t know why she acted the way she did and she was embarrassed about it. We talked about giving things a second chance sometime but I imagine my little buddy would jump off of me in fright!
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Holy crap! That hurts even when reading it…
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Thank God when the Dr. asked me if I wanted an IUD, I said “I’ll pass.” ha!
Dating Diva´s last blog ..How Do I Know It’ll be a Bad Date?
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I know isn’t that horrible!!
She told me that it had never happened to her before so I don’t think it is normal. I think possibly I might be well endowed.
Just got an email from the girl this is about and she is still my friend… Whew… close one.
I got sick to my stomach just reading this…geez. You should be more careful with that thing.
Jillian´s last blog ..Prom and bad 90s hair
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I know I keep sticking it in dangerous places
i know amanda pretty well, we’ve hooked a time or 2 and it was never a problem she’s pretty amazing, sorry it was bad for you man. makes me feel better though
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Gosh, that almost sounds…desperate. ;P
Jillian´s last blog ..Prom and bad 90s hair
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@Nat Well glad we got someone to defend poor Amanda! Makes you feel better? why were you feeling bad?
@Jillian I know doesn’t it? I assure you though that my standards are no lower than yours
Wait, I’m laughing. You say well endowed, Nathan says it has never happened to him. That only leads me to think one thing. lol.
Dating Diva´s last blog ..How Do I Know It’ll be a Bad Date?
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I know! How stupid! I didn’t want to be mean if this was one of Amanda’s friends but I just talked to her and she doesn’t know who he is… Kreepy!!
Katie what are you doing pretending you are Nathan? Maybe that is why you never bottomed out!?
(just googled her email address and found out she is one of “Amanda’s” friends)
And how do you know what my standards are?
Jillian´s last blog ..Prom and bad 90s hair
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You could have just left it at the IUD… The not liking Amanda much thing seems a tad superfluous.
But yeah, these incidents are rare, though they are exactly why I never considered one! Ouch! Poor you. Mind you, I once tore someone’s foreskin like that in giving a tit wank. But I don’t have spiky breasts at all… Go figure!
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No way! If I only told that it would not be a good story…
Jesus… on your boobs? Did not shave or something?
I will have to be cautious if I ever go to the UK.
Pah, I’m sure I told you about my hormone thing. I’m shockingly unhairy in the places women shouldn’t really have hair. No tashes or hairy boobs my end! Plenty of pmt if I don’t take the pill though… haha.
It was quite a vigorous tit wank, but nothing that should have caused that. He didn’t even feel a thing though, which is odd.
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aren’t the Google ads kinda funny for this post?
didn’t feel a thing huh?
funny how the body shuts off the pain response when it is feeling good. I think everyone has shredded their knees up in some of their first sexual encounters.
Glad to hear you are hairless!
i still cringe even though ive heard the story in person. ewwwwe
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Ok,
I’m sorry, as amusing as that is, for your hurt penis, love, but maybe you deserved it slightly: you have as much right to ejaculate on a person’s body WITHOUT asking as she has to pee on you with no warning because that’s her kink…you didn’t know better, you should have apologised profusely. Sexual karma that one was…
I’m not sure how I ended up here exactly, but nice blog, if a bit backlashy.
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I don’t agree with your analogy.
It is quite common to let loose outside of someone. Granted if I aimed for an eye, you might have a point.
What is backlashy?
Boy, you wake up early, aren’t you American?
Of course I used an extreme example, but I don’t think the quality of the action differs much: it doesn’t matter how common that is (btw, really?!) it was still something she hadn’t consented to.
Backlashy: my own version of the English language to mean “anti-feminist backlash”; let’s just say I think your approach to dating and relationships is, if entertaining, very gendered.
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I am in California and I should be very tired but for some reason…
If someone has consented to sex then both of you make your best guess as to what is appropriate. I felt ejaculating inside of a woman was less acceptable for both parties. Clearly I was wrong but having someone yell at me, was unacceptable.
I am a man, of course it is gendered. Anti-fem backlash? Maybe so, I think the feminist movement went too far and it is causing damage to western men. Which eventually hurts women, my audience, and the people I wish to help.
Oh, right, for some reason when I think America, I think New England.
Well, that may be a cultural thing, but I wouldn’t consider an act like that implied when giving consent to intercourse, not for one second. I also grew up ten feet from the Vatican, so that may be it…My advice? When in doubt, ask. Awkward? Yup, but it saves you from being yelled at and your partner from being repulsed by the all thing.
I’m not super familiar with Anglo-Saxon(as opposed to that of French/de Beauvoir derivation)feminism, but I do think most of the movement made a mistake in wanting to solve and explain social issues (ex, pay-gap) with legislations; the old cutting the leaves off the three issue…but I do think of gender as mostly a cultural concept we are socialised into and I think that getting rid of the stereotypes and double-standards would actually benefit BOTH sexes, including divorced men, single fathers and male victims of abuse/rape.
By the way, you’re free to do so, but not all males see things in terms of the gender binary just because they’re guys..
J.
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J, you clearly are very intelligent, and I am enjoying talking but why do you insist on dropping a barb with every comment?
Have I offended you with my little website?
My non-native speaker self doesn’t really know what a barb is, I’m guessing not something good…
Nope, not offended, I wouldn’t be talking to you at all if you had. I just disagree with you on a bunch of stuff and for some reason I quite enjoy disagreeing with people, especially if there’s something about them I like. It’s the Internet’s fault: it just won’t let you see the sweet teenage smile mitigating all the confrontational teenage anger…
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Ah… well that is good to know.
You should comment on my most controversial post so far. There are lot of people to argue with there!
My online dating nightmare