If he wants me I don’t, if he doesn’t I do. WTF is wrong with me?

Don't lie, you want me...

A reader recently asked me “Why am I addicted to the unavailable guy?”

“I have an excellent friend named Chris. He is an incredibly friendly good looking guy that is adored by more girls than a fat American by McDonalds. Chris only has one problem, he is addicted to the unavailable girl. He first showed me an indication of this at his birthday party. The place was packed with people, not only girls but solid guy friends (to give you an idea how many people like Chris, he has over 600 facebook friends!) Chris was and is an amazing guy and at the time was completely blind to all of the women that wanted to get to know him better. “Mike All I really want is one of the really hot ones! You know the kind of girl that looks amazing in a dress but has attitude!” I remember clinching my teeth in worry, “are you serious? Do you have any idea how many girls are already nuts about you, why do you want some angry girl to treat you bad?” Chris is a smart guy and he didn’t just blow me off, “good point” he said looking a bit confused.

Chris constantly drew high quality girls but was completely blind to to them, he was like starving man at a buffet unable to see the food.

This is the exact question I received from the reader, “I like to get control of the situation – but once I have it – I lose interest. So I must have an addiction to the unavailable? – How do I fix this??

This person is addicted to the chase and someone out of reach is an immediate hard-on. She is just like Chris not able to see the opposite sex that might be far better for them.

How do you break this cycle? Well, first for years and years you must chase after all the psycho, abusive, shitty, unavailable people you can find. You will constantly be reminded by each of them that you are not good enough, smart enough, thoughtful enough, or attractive enough. You will be baffled why you throw away amazing people guys only to go back to the asshole. You will do your best to pin down every elusive guy that you can find because eventually you believe someday you will finally convince one that you are worthy. You believe that when you finally get HIM you can wave him around in the faces of all those people that never believed in your greatness and say, “Fuck all of you! Look at this! Now I can finally love myself!!”

Maybe you will go through something like this or you will be one of the lucky ones that learn self-love and self-respect without being dragged through the broken glass of so many horrible relationships.

This insecurity affects many of us because many of us never really learn self worth. The sickest of us has some type of formative experience that taught us we had to work very hard for love. This is often from a parent or an early boyfriend/girlfriend. When a great person comes by and says, “You are wonderful, I love you.” we reject them because they seem weak to us and false. How could their love have value when it took no effort to obtain? So we throw back a trophy fish simply because it didn’t fight hard enough.

I am explaining myself when I talk about taking years to understand self worth. I broke through in pure frustration over my many unhealthy relationships and I finally faced the formative experience that taught me I didn’t deserve love. At the same time I freed myself from the person that didn’t give me love consistently as a child. This was emotional surgery and I became a new person because of it.

How to speed this up? Find your demon and either confront it or reject it. Often in the rejection you will control it and clearly see this person is as empty as they tried to teach you to be.

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