Moving on from a broken heart
Email from a reader
So, maybe, my question is, how can I turn off this love? How can I do it, if I loved him, flaws and all? He was sweet and generous with me when we were together and I only have good memories.
I was strong (Afraid and stubborn might be more correct – Mike) and willing enough to keep the love all these years and now it’s hard to just fall out of love with someone who isn’t here. Like the infamous book says, “He isn’t pursuing me, so he must not be that into me”. I accept it, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I am in it right now too
I know this feeling so well since I am going through it now. Fortunately I have fallen in and out of love so many times that it is almost a bodily function. It still hurts but I can assure you it is a lot easier now than it was in the past. Falling out of love and controlling your emotions is an art which takes practice and application.
I separated from my ex nearly six months ago but we have stayed in contact like nothing changed. When I left for a bicycle ride across the country we were not able to talk much and my ex, feeling pretty lonely, decided it was time to move on. This is what she emailed me (I speak Japanese but she has been using a lot more English lately)
Hi mike.
i have a bad news for u…..
i want to looking for a new BF cuz u will not back to Japan.
of course i still love u so much but too lonely…..and im give up……
This was heartbreaking for me even though I have told her many times that she needs to move on and find someone that will be there for her. I know this is better for both of us but I still struggle. I foolishly want to look on facebook and guess which new guy messaging her is sleeping with her. I could remove her pictures and unfriend her from facebook. I could have some rebound sex and not think about her or maybe just get really really drunk for a few weeks strait to avoid my feelings. Fortunately, I am past action on most of those feelings but I did remove her updates on facebook since I am not an emotional superman.
What I do to get past a lost love
Over the years these are some of the things I have used and/or recommend to get over emotional duress. They fall into the categories most of already use to get over someone but are not completely aware of. Awareness of the process allows us to speed the healing. Here are the steps I recommend taking
1. Distraction Distraction Distraction
I don’t know where I read it but one of the treatments used for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) for Vietnam vets was to keep them occupied. Simply put they would put these guys to work and force their focus away from past pains they have suffered. This is an excellent way to distract the mind so that it won’t dwell upon a painful place.
I am sure you have experienced this when depressed and wanted to go to work as much as you want a peanut butter enema. However, amazingly while at work your focus changed, you snapped out of your miserable mood and felt great by the end of your shift. If you never had gone to work you would have wallowed in your misery the entire day.
Remove all the reminders of him BUT DON’T DESTROY!
One way to not focus on someone is the simple removal of all emotional buttons. Clear your car, room, phone and computer of the things that will trigger an emotional reaction, bundle everything up and hide it or give it to a friend for safe keeping. DON’T DESTROY IT! Once you pass through the healing gauntlet you will want to savor again some of the warm memories you once shared.
The art of looking the other way
Not only should you remove reminders but like I said above you must NOT focus on what is painful. This means you must stay busy, spend time with friends, family, coworkers and or the opposite sex. When you feel a strong period of wanting it is time to schedule something to distract your lonely, longing desires. This includes any activity to keep yourself busy busy busy and keep looking the other way until that filthy corner of emotion fades from lack of attention.
Rebound relationship
I wrote about this topic a few months ago in the post Get a new Dog. I am a fan of getting a new dog at least temporarily. You will hear a lot of people think this is a very bad idea but…! often it is the Prozac that stops you from offing yourself.
This sounds unhealthy but can be done in a way that is acceptable. Explaining clearly to him that you are recovering from a painful break up and are looking for some company but nothing else is acceptable. Use him as a crutch so that you don’t go back crying and demanding a relationship from your ex in a state of lunacy.
Is it bad for you to use someone in order to avoid the pain? No, I don’t believe so. As long as you communicate well to the person you are borrowing! Rebound relationships don’t have to be the big mess everyone thinks they are and they can really really help in getting you past this rough period.
NLP scratching the record
This is one that you are going to have to research. This is a method Tony Robbins uses to damage a memory. I don’t feel comfortable explaining it here but if you Google the topic you will find tons of info about it. It has worked quite well for me in the past.
Break contact!
A lot of couples that have separated like to drag things out by still staying in contact and remaining sexually involved. This usually does more damage to the girl since the guy is often only in it for the sex and comfort. His feelings might have moved on but yours haven’t and when he tells you about the new girl he just met, it will be crushing. Do yourself a huge favor and cut things off until you are ready to be friends again. This wound needs time to heal and keeping him around will only rip it deeper.
Trust me on this one, cut it off and move on.
2. Reframing
This is an art that needs to be practiced constantly in a world that is always throwing challenges our way. I am not an expert at reframing so hopefully I am explaining it correctly. I would encourage any of your who are experts at it to add more in the comment section. My understanding is that reframing is just looking at something in a different light and attaching a new positive story to the situation. This is incredibly effective in moving on from a painful seemly negative situation.
Don’t read into things!!
I don’t know why we love to wallow in misery and self-loathing after a breakup. Asking ourselves constant question of inadequacies and filling in the blanks of his thinking with negative assumptions. Sure… some of them might be true but does it really matter? Do you really need to know? Wouldn’t it be far more positive to believe only the best?
For example, don’t believe he didn’t want more because you were not enough but rewrite the story that he was intimidated by your strength and felt he needed a weaker woman. Is it true? Who cares? It really doesn’t matter; maybe you will get the real story from him someday but in the mean time create something that helps you move on and be a more confident person.
Learn to hate him
Okay I know this doesn’t sound like a very positive thing but it has its merits. Often we become needy with the people that are not very good for us and we are baffled why they leave us. This is a good time to change our perception and NOT remember all the good things. It is very possible he was not that great a guy and you may need to focus on his crappy nature in order to move on.
I wrote about this process in the post Using what you can’t stand about that asshole, when I had a horrible time leaving my ex. I don’t want to go into spotlighting to deeply here so please go to this article to learn more, basically you change your focus to guide your mind to what you really want and away from the jerk you seem to keep dating
Future Retroactive emotions (is that right?)
You know how you can look back on a situation and are shocked that you ever felt so strongly about something? Shocked that actually got drunk and considered keying his truck at his new slut girlfriend’s house? Shocked that you actually cared so much about that guy when now you feel nothing??
I want you to project what you might feel like in 6 months about the current situation. Imagine that you are there now, feel the feeling that you will have, be the person that no longer cares. The second the pain creeps back in repeat this exercise!
If you know you won’t care in 6 months why not speed up the process and feel that way now?
Part two of We just broke up, how do I fall out of love??
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Thank you for this article
I really needed some advice for dealing with my breakup.
I broke contact with him just after the breakup -deleting him off my messenger and Facebook because I know myself and I didn’t want to be looking for him, but still I wrote him three emails (no more, I swear). He wasn’t very responsive although he was the one asking me to “keep the hope”, so I get the hint, he’s no longer interested in me. That should make things easier for me, but it still hurts. I’ll be sticking to your advice and let time do its thing…
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Glad you came by Betty, I hope that others will give you some of their sage advice!
Hi Mike, It’s been about 4 months for me and although the pain is less, it is still very hard.
But I do have to say that with all of the breakups I go through I definitely use “reframing.” Basically I look at everything in the relationship and figure out what it has taught me–fears I overcame, new hobbies I picked up, people I met because of it, etc. It definitely helps to make me feel like that despite the breakup, the relationship was not a waste.
Shannon´s last blog ..Stephanie Sharp: Breast Cancer Survivor
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Excellent comment Shannon. It is much better to have loved and lost, there is so much we gain in the process.
It’s ironic you posted this posted just when I’m needing it the most. I haven’t yet ended the relationship yet, but am planning to. Sad thing is I still love him as much as ever, and it’s my decision to end it due to my realisation that nothing will change, and I don’t want to be stuck in the same cycle again and again. Circumstances can not be overcome, so I’m just going to let go (I’ve tried quite a few times…But this time I’m determined to move on).
It’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do… And will hurt so much.
Oh god… I’m feeling horrible just thinking about it, but it’s for the best.
Hope I can take your advice and use it to move on with life.
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Oh yeah please post part soon lol. I wish humans had an off switch, cos atm, I really want to just switch off my emotions. Just for awhile. I have finals this week and I can’t concentrate at all (that’s why I’m putting off the break up until after exams…Is that sad or what?)
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Hey Lily
I think this might be a good topic for a post. When is it time to move on? Guys often don’t want to take the next step and women must be prepared to let them go if they don’t receive what they deserve.
Good luck with moving on and remember you owe me another comment!
Mike, I’ll look forward for that article, because that’s what happened to me.
I did want some form of commitment, but he wouldn’t have it. And as I know we can’t change people nor control them, I had to take the painful decision of breaking up, eventhough I -still, stubbornly- love him.
He was my first love, so I’m having a hard time moving on and letting go the fantasy of him coming back to me. Luckily, I’ll feel better following your advice.
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@Betty “Keeping the hope” is his way of keeping you on the backburner until he decides he is ready to move on. You don’t have to allow him to do the decision making here. You move on when you are ready. Not him. I like that you used the word fantasy. It signals to me that you understand that a coming back together of the two of you as you were isn’t realistic and a change would have to take place for that to happen. Awesome thoughts there.
@Shannon Reframing is a cognitive behavioral term and it’s one of my favorites. A way of finding the silver lining in the pile of poo, so to speak. No relationship is a waste and it sounds like you have already grown tremendously.
Jillian´s last blog ..That’s my boy
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