Funny story Friday – A little spicy sex and the worst genital pain I have ever experienced

The worst pain I have ever experienced

Cayenne pepper is more dangerous than you imagine!

I fell in love with the Chinese restaurant right next to my house in Nagoya, Japan. The food was super spicy but so good I eventual got really into it. This led me to want to create my own hot sauce. The first batch of apple smoked cayenne pepper turned out wonderful but the experience was one of the most painful I have ever encountered.

I was about a hundred into seeding cayenne peppers when my hands started to throb in a really odd way. It took a couple more peppers to realize that the oil was sinking into my skin, causing a mild amount of pain. I immediately washed my hands and found another way to remove the seeds. A few hours later the feeling subsided a bit and I figured I was fine.

Later I went through my nightly routine of having a two glasses of wine and watching a little Japanese TV for language practice. While watching TV I started to feel a bit amorous and decided I needed to take things in hand and get a little friendly with myself. About ten minutes into this something started to feel a bit odd.

“What the hell?” I asked myself looking down at my pink friend. He didn’t respond but I did detect he was in significant duress. “Ouch!” I said again. I had this awful feeling hit my awareness, like a condom was on when I started but has somehow vanished after.

“Oh fuck the cayenne oil is still in my hands…” I said in realization and my face went slack (just to tell you how stupid guys are I figured the damage was done and I finished up anyway which was obscenely stupid since if I stopped then it might not have been so horrible)

“Oh god… Ooouch! Owww, crap!!” I got up and started to shuffle to the upstairs bath with my pants around my legs. “Ow ow ow ow!!” The pain started to really sink in now and tears welled in my eyes. I jumped into a cool tub thinking this would help, it didn’t. I washed it, rinsed it, washed it again, put tomato juice on it, a little Vaseline, ice, sore muscle cream (really bad idea) and finally the solution dawned on me. I pulled down a left over bottle of cheap peppermint schnapps and ran, package in hand, crying and swearing to the bathtub. After drinking the entire bottle in 30 minutes, I passed out in the tub. I woke up in the morning shaking violently with cold but PAIN FREE!!

Two days later I was telling my girlfriend the story while we enjoyed a movie at my house. “BAKA!!” (Stupid in Japanese) she said over and over again laughing to tears. I laughed too so thankful the experience was over. We laughed, got close and eventually one thing led to another. Soon my hands got a bit busy in her happy place. After about five minutes her noises stopped being so positive and she stopped me “something feels strange,” she said. Then we both looked at each other in horror realizing what had happened.

She was in the tub crying for about two hours. Six glasses of wine later she passed out and I carried her to bed. I have never felt so stupid in my life but TWO days later????? WTF????

Moral of the story? Mucus membranes and cayenne peppers are not friends.

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