Too big or too small? Which is worse?
It's not mine!!
Size matters?
I went on twitter the other day doing my usual obnoxious thing, asking questions to either create a laugh or make undesirables instantly unfollow me. The questions I was asking were covering the intrepid male genitalia. I asked about uncircumcised ones, purple ones, ones that dog leg to one side, etc. Then I stumbled across something that surprisingly surprised me. I tweeted, “which is worse a guy that is too big or a guy that is too small?” I assumed that I knew the answer to this but clearly I was wrong.
Who does this???
When I was 18 I worked as a carpet cleaner, this was not the greatest job but hey it was better than McDonalds. I got to work around the beautiful city of Santa Barbara cleaning homes of the rich and famous. Sometimes I would be trusted to clean rugs at the office all alone on the weekends. Now as many of you know it is a very bad idea to give an 18-year-old guy such responsibilities.
We cleaned carpets with a huge scrubber similar to a floor polisher, and then would remove the dirt with hot water and a HUGE truck mounted car engine driven VACUUM. I am sure you have seen such a thing, the roaring trucks outside of apartment buildings.
Well… here I am 18, a guy, a bit stupid that has the typical guy insecurities. After seeing many adds in the back of girly magazines alluding to vacuums being able to increase ones appendage, a light came on. Granted it was a very dim light popping away and it might have exploded but an idea was unfortunately formed. What if… I could speed up the process???
At least I had enough foresight to be standing close to the truck to shut off the vacuum. You know… just incase… (quite doubtful in my 18 years of wisdom) I was bit wary as the jet engine of sucking air drew out and straitened my stuff giving me a pseudo erection. I drew back slightly fearful of the black hole vortex I was about to enter. Thank God I was hanging out of my fly so that my jeans dampened the seal around my little buddy.
When it happened I was just about to change my mind. The boa constrictor vacuum roared ready to consume. When it struck I was wide-eyed and speechless. I gasped and strained unsuccessfully to remove the hose. Then the worst happened… A testicle decided to join the fun… With a TTHUUBT… it was swallowed and then the other followed TTHUUBT…. My face was a big round OOOOO of pain and shock at the speed my predicament occurred. Encumbered by the 20 ft vacuum tail fastened to my genitals I crab walked/galloped to the truck and slapped the stop button.
I was bruised for weeks with large hickey blotches everywhere and to my chagrin “big ed” had no noticeable gain in girth or length. It was all for naught.
Guys are obsessed
I don’t know exactly when the obsession starts but I imagine right around puberty. We all notice the one guy in gym class that sprouts like the Jolly Green Giant. We make nervous jokes to each other and the girls, in mild fear that we wont have our turn. That somehow the puberty switch will pass over us and we will be left with the bald baby thumb we have seen for the last 11 plus years.
This is not the only problem we seem to have it coded in our genetics that a large penis means greater virility. That if we possessed a baby’s arm rather than a thumb we would be an unstoppable genetic force.
This brings us full circle to my twitter question. “Which is worse too big or too small?” to my surprise and I imagine most men around the world. 70% of all women that responded to me said too big. I wish I knew that at vacuum time.
- Guys take notes and stop worrying about your damn penis.
- Girls stop perpetuating this myth! You all feed it as much at the guys do!
- Ladies that disagree with this keep it to yourselves and make the world a better place!
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I don’t think I can go here with you.
Dumb@$$.
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Ah come on!
Here I pull the pants of vulnerability down and you won’t go there???
Jillian… ouch…
Look, I told you what I thought. I called you a dumb@$$. Now the healing can begin.
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But I have already healed from that, do you need photos??
I was talking about your inner child. Where were you going with that, pervert?
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Oh… my inner child really needs a mom like you. Don’t abandon me mommy…? are you there??
Ok. So you don’t need my nurturing. What is it that you need, then?
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approval would be great, I need to know that the vacuum of life won’t damage my pee pee again.
Don’t stick it in there and then you don’t have to worry about it.
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Seriously…..did the vacuum thing REALLY happen? Anyways….you know that song? “It ain’t the length or the width, but the way you work it, and like you know …..” Anyways, that’s what it reminded me of…..and I’m still giggling about it.
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It doesn’t matter if it’s a thumb to me, as long as it knows how to hitch hike- that’s all that matters!
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@Lisa yes to my shame I really did do that. I am going to have to download that song! Nice to have someone visit that has actually seen my penis.
@Queen Sounds like you would give him quite a ride…
Boys.
Good Lord y’all are retarded.
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Thanks!