It's not mine!!
Size matters?
I went on twitter the other day doing my usual obnoxious thing, asking questions to either create a laugh or make undesirables instantly unfollow me. The questions I was asking were covering the intrepid male genitalia. I asked about uncircumcised ones, purple ones, ones that dog leg to one side, etc. Then I stumbled across something that surprisingly surprised me. I tweeted, “which is worse a guy that is too big or a guy that is too small?” I assumed that I knew the answer to this but clearly I was wrong.
Who does this???
When I was 18 I worked as a carpet cleaner, this was not the greatest job but hey it was better than McDonalds. I got to work around the beautiful city of Santa Barbara cleaning homes of the rich and famous. Sometimes I would be trusted to clean rugs at the office all alone on the weekends. Now as many of you know it is a very bad idea to give an 18-year-old guy such responsibilities.
We cleaned carpets with a huge scrubber similar to a floor polisher, and then would remove the dirt with hot water and a HUGE truck mounted car engine driven VACUUM. I am sure you have seen such a thing, the roaring trucks outside of apartment buildings.
Well… here I am 18, a guy, a bit stupid that has the typical guy insecurities. After seeing many adds in the back of girly magazines alluding to vacuums being able to increase ones appendage, a light came on. Granted it was a very dim light popping away and it might have exploded but an idea was unfortunately formed. What if… I could speed up the process???
At least I had enough foresight to be standing close to the truck to shut off the vacuum. You know… just incase… (quite doubtful in my 18 years of wisdom) I was bit wary as the jet engine of sucking air drew out and straitened my stuff giving me a pseudo erection. I drew back slightly fearful of the black hole vortex I was about to enter. Thank God I was hanging out of my fly so that my jeans dampened the seal around my little buddy.
When it happened I was just about to change my mind. The boa constrictor vacuum roared ready to consume. When it struck I was wide-eyed and speechless. I gasped and strained unsuccessfully to remove the hose. Then the worst happened… A testicle decided to join the fun… With a TTHUUBT… it was swallowed and then the other followed TTHUUBT…. My face was a big round OOOOO of pain and shock at the speed my predicament occurred. Encumbered by the 20 ft vacuum tail fastened to my genitals I crab walked/galloped to the truck and slapped the stop button.
I was bruised for weeks with large hickey blotches everywhere and to my chagrin “big ed” had no noticeable gain in girth or length. It was all for naught.
Guys are obsessed
I don’t know exactly when the obsession starts but I imagine right around puberty. We all notice the one guy in gym class that sprouts like the Jolly Green Giant. We make nervous jokes to each other and the girls, in mild fear that we wont have our turn. That somehow the puberty switch will pass over us and we will be left with the bald baby thumb we have seen for the last 11 plus years.
This is not the only problem we seem to have it coded in our genetics that a large penis means greater virility. That if we possessed a baby’s arm rather than a thumb we would be an unstoppable genetic force.
This brings us full circle to my twitter question. “Which is worse too big or too small?” to my surprise and I imagine most men around the world. 70% of all women that responded to me said too big. I wish I knew that at vacuum time.
- Guys take notes and stop worrying about your damn penis.
- Girls stop perpetuating this myth! You all feed it as much at the guys do!
- Ladies that disagree with this keep it to yourselves and make the world a better place!
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t think I can go here with you.
Dumb@$$.
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Ah come on!
Here I pull the pants of vulnerability down and you won’t go there???
Jillian… ouch…
Look, I told you what I thought. I called you a dumb@$$. Now the healing can begin.
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But I have already healed from that, do you need photos??
I was talking about your inner child. Where were you going with that, pervert?
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Oh… my inner child really needs a mom like you. Don’t abandon me mommy…? are you there??
Ok. So you don’t need my nurturing. What is it that you need, then?
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approval would be great, I need to know that the vacuum of life won’t damage my pee pee again.
Don’t stick it in there and then you don’t have to worry about it.
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Seriously…..did the vacuum thing REALLY happen? Anyways….you know that song? “It ain’t the length or the width, but the way you work it, and like you know …..” Anyways, that’s what it reminded me of…..and I’m still giggling about it.
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It doesn’t matter if it’s a thumb to me, as long as it knows how to hitch hike- that’s all that matters!
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@Lisa yes to my shame I really did do that. I am going to have to download that song! Nice to have someone visit that has actually seen my penis.
@Queen Sounds like you would give him quite a ride…
Boys.
Good Lord y’all are retarded.
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Thanks!
OK usually I would say, girls don’t care that much. And usually this is true. But here are 2 exceptions:
1) When the guy blusters so much to make up for this secret, and he drives otherwise possibly interested girls away by being an idiot, and:
2) If he really is just an inch long – it could be a problem, and he’s going to have to adjust his ego, and find (and keep) a NICE (or, small) girl who doesn’t care (and hope that she’s still a freak in bed.) Mean girls are going to broadcast his problem in a bad breakup, and that’s just going to add to his existing emotional scars.
I once dated a guy like this. He was all macho and bad-boy as a kind of life-statement. (Hey I was young.) Anyway, this was the very same guy who turned out to be (maybe) an inch. I have to tell you, it was pretty strange not knowing if/when he was in. It definitely contributed to my ending it – though it was NOT the only reason. I could have overlooked it if he had been terrific and sexy otherwise. And I never told anyone who he was when it came up in girl talk. I never ratted on the guy.
And now I think I’ve met another one of these. I thought he was just a bad boy rock star (a friend of mine form my hometown), but I got a bunch of hate mail from a psycho ex of his, and among other things that turned out to be true, may be her small dick comment. I really don’t care about any of her accusations, but I can see where this particular guy would hugely compensate for that sort of perceived humiliation.
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Size does matter,2 reasons, 1 is you always find out about the endowed man,girls always brag about him to everyone ,even to other guys who don’t want to know.You don’t ever here about the guy with the small or average penis that is good in bed.# 2 is I asked women that read romance novels how big the man is in the stories,and 10 out of 10 times he is usually huge,now if 99% of romance novel writers are women and 99% of novel readers are women why is the character’s dicks always big?
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