You can't have your cake and eat it too
From my facebook mail folder
Carrie: I messaged you before about this guy. And I realize you’re busy, but I really need help understanding this. He’s been dating this girl for almost 6 years. He started cheating on her almost the second he got with her with the same girl for 2 years. Then there were others after that. About 5 months ago he started cheating on her with me. At first I didn’t know if he had a gf but by the time I found out it was too late, I was already attached. Someone just recently found out and told his gf about us and he denied it and told me to deny it. I’ve gone along with it because I care about him and I don’t want him to have to go through the process of breaking up with her because after 6 years I know it’s not just that easy. But at the same time I want him to myself so bad. He told me he’s really sorry and that he cares about me. I just don’t know why he does this. And I don’t know if he really does care about me or not…
If you could help I would appreciate it so much.
Mike: I can give you an answer now but which one would you like? The truthful/proper one? or the one that gets him away from her.
Carrie: Both
Mike: Ahh… but they are contradictory!
Carrie: know I’m probably going to stick with the truthful/proper one. But I’d love to know the other answer too. Do I really have to decide?!
Carrie: Alright, I hate to message you again, but I have alot of time to kill at work and I want to catch you the next time you get online. The thing is how do I decide what is the best choice?? I mean, if he was with me, would he still cheat? I don’t know if he cheats because he is unhappy with his relationship, or if he has some sort of mental issue.. How would I know for sure? I do know that I’ve never felt this way about someone, and I really, really wish I could have a chance with him. But I don’t know what’s best for me I guess. Honestly I’d rather have the advice on how to get rid of her. I think.
Thanks,
Mike: Carrie, I think you know the correct answer to this but you may not be ready to act on it. So I will give you two answers.
I tweeted this question to people in the twitter verse and I got a pretty typical Jerry Springer response. Everyone was very much for you telling the guy to burn in hell but no one was really honest with themselves. The truth is that when you are in a situation like yours it is very hard to do the right thing. You are in love and even in front of a frothing Jerry Springer audience, you want what you want.
How to get what you want
The only way to win this game is by gambling. No amount of begging cajoling or manipulating will get him to leave his girl friend. (You could kill her and put her in a wood chipper but I imagine you would have already done so if this were an option) At the moment he holds all the cards, he probably even has a third girl that he sleeps with periodically. It is not going to be easy for him to give up a long term relationship for you.
I have been in this situation more than once, in fact quite a few times! I don’t think I have ever tolerated someone seeing another while seeing me on the side. This comes down to self-respect but we will talk about that later. Not for the first time, I was madly in lust and I was very aware that she had someone, just like you were (yup don’t believe ya) this very much added to the attraction. The guy she was seeing was a creepy doctor that drove a yellow Porsche and liked kiddy porn. I figured we were so in love that she would easily leave him for me. Little did I know it would be so hard. After one month of begging and tears I was shocked she wouldn’t act. Into the second month I regained my self-respect, “No, I am not going to see you, I love you, I dream about you but I have had enough” I said when she showed up at my house after a date with him. “If you are not separated from him by Monday of next week we are finished, don’t call me or come over until this is done.” She left in a tearful tantrum and said that I didn’t understand how hard it was. I wanted to cry too and drag her to my bed but I held firm.
“He hit me, many times”
Monday night at 11pm she came over, she was wearing sunglasses but you could still see puffiness around the edges. She hovered at the entrance looking as if she were about to run. “Are you single?” I said blocking the door. “yes” she said in a whiskey voice. I took off her sunglasses and I was filled with a painful rage. “He hit me, many times” She said and sounded ashamed.
Whew! Went right back there for a second! I wanted to kill that guy!! I didn’t and we had a pretty wild relationship for six months but it crumbed shortly after. Our house was built on lust and need, not on health but I don’t blame me. I needed to learn these lessons. Sooo… I think you are the same and not ready to do the right thing so lets do the wrong one. If you want to wrestle him away from his girl you have to set an ultimatum with a time limit. This is the gamble; does he really care about you as much as you think? If he does the gamble will pay off and he will thank you for helping him leave his GF. Then he will cheat on you or you will cheat on him. Good times!! But who cares, this is normal.
What is the right thing to do?
The right thing to do is have enough self-respect to not be with a liar, cheater and manipulator. The right thing to do is not be manipulated by your own need to be accepted and loved by someone out of reach. The right thing to do is NEVER EVER sleep with a guy that has a GF and if he lies, you make sure he gets bitten for doing so! The right thing to do is NEVER lie for anyone!! How messed up is that! His GF probably knows he is cheating but she ignores it just like you are doing. She is in love… and is allowing her own love for herself to be compromised. Do you really want to be her? Do you not think that he won’t do the same to you? This guy is at the time in his life that he wants to be with multiple girls. That is fine, the problem is that he is doing it by being dishonest. That is not fine. He has learned that he can get away with this, which means he will repeat it until he is about 30 and is moderately ready to settle down. (And then he will probably do it again) Is this what you want??? A million women will tell you the same but 500,000 will still get caught in the same trap. Join the other half and have enough self-respect to never have this happen again. There are more than enough decent men out there, don’t fuck yourself up by becoming addicted to the bad ones.
P.S. I would bank on Carrie taking no action whatsoever, I don’t think she is in enough pain to act. This is a problem, our pain threshold is often so great that we must really suffer before we will change. Therefore making the right decision is very much a function of how much pain we are willing to tolerate. I tend to blow things up a bit just to force myself to act before the pain gets out of control.
Last chance to enter the condom contest! I am leaning towards LC’s entry. Sounds like she might need them the
most…
Click on the pink box to enter…
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Exceedingly well written. I hate your cake picture, but I think you’ve done a great job with this one. The truth is that when we want what we want, we often forget how we feel when we get what we want.
And that, if there is no foundation there, it will crumble. There has to be more than lust.
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That’s the one thing I”ve never done is gotten involved with a man that had a girlfriend, too much drama and not enough attention.
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So she wants to have her cake and eat it too????
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@Jillian, you are awesome. Thanks for telling me that!
What you don’t like my cake? but I made it for you!!
@Queen Really?? never?? not even by accident?
@sarah, well the cake was really more directed at him.
Update! from Carrie:
I like the article. I decided not to take the gamble. I told him yesterday that I’m not doing this anymore at all. We fought about all kinds of things and I told him that if it comes up I’m not going to lie for him. He got real pissed and tried to make me feel bad like all of this was my fault and blah blah blah. Anyway thanks for the advice. I refuse to become like her. I found out that she does know, but she’s too afraid to be alone I guess, idk. I can’t take feeling like that all the time so I quit.
Um, kinda the wrong sex, though, no? Unless he’s bi?
For Carrie–good for you!!! It must be tough, but if you don’t stand up for you, who will?
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@Sarah, Whatever… Like I care. I will stuff that penis cake down his throat! This is marketing baby!
I will ask Carrie to stop by the blog and interact.
@Mike You big liar. I bet if googled that photo, I could find it. I just don’t want to.
@Carrie I’m sorry. That must have been hard to hear. Good luck on your journey.
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@Mike—pthththt
You’re being a pain in the arse and you know it! OK, so am I, I admit it. 
I agree that this particular idiot (insert stronger term/expletive here) deserves to have this particular cake shoved down his throat…. Poetic justice and all that.
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@ Sarah, it is really tough. It’s gone on for so long and I’m really upset about this but he seems to be moving on from me just fine, even though he told me how much he cared about me. It’s not fair that he has a fall back and I don’t so I have to feel alone.
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@ Sarah, haha and you’re right I’d love to shove this particular cake down his throat. He’s an asshole and I want to make him feel like shit. At the same time I still miss him. Wtf?!
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@Carrie–hang in there. I’m not in your shoes, so I can only imagine how hard this is–it must hurt a lot. And no, it’s not fair at all. I’m sorry he was so nasty about it, too. But for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for standing up to him and taking care of yourself. I hope that isn’t too patronizing from a complete stranger. I’d offer you a box of kleenex, chocolate chip cookies, and and to just sit and listen if I were there. Take care of yourself!
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@Carrie Re: the cake–wouldn’t you just love to??? And of course you’ll miss him. You love him, right? For that, you’re the better person than he is!
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BTW, I watched my sister go through a similar situation with her HUSBAND of all people!!! He had up to three other girlfriends on the side at any given time while he was married to her, and even had a baby with one of them. It took my sister 5 years to let go of him and I’m so proud of her that she did. It broke her heart, but she’s better for it now–so much more confidence, prettier, happier, more grounded. And she’s begun dating again–I’m very excited for her.
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Wow that’s great! That had to have been so hard for her. Even though I know what he is doing is wrong, as messed up as it is, I would probably still go back and do the same stuff with him at this point. I tried to act all strong around him like I don’t want him or need him or any of that. But if he told me he wasn’t mad at me anymore and that he wanted me back it would be soooo hard to not go back to him even though I told him I wouldn’t. He just has this crazy and ridiculously strong spell on me that I’m trying to escape from but it’s very hard.
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Carrie, accepting someone lower than what you deserve will never make you feel loved and secure in a relationship darlin. And this dude sounds like a complete INSECURE douche bag to me. Any man that needs that many women to be with isn’t worth a bag of flaming poo on the doorstep.
You however, are worth a heckuva lot more. He’ll never be faithful to you either, I hope you realize this.
There IS a man out there that will treat you the way you deserve sweetie, if you let him.
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@Carrie–QTMama is absolutely right. There is someone out there for you that you deserve and that deserves you. There’s no hurry to settle down. You’ll shake this guy’s spell one day at a time.
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@QT I just want to say that I adore you. That’s all.
And reiterate that the penis cake is bothering me.
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you and the damn cake! gonna make you one for your birthday now.
Oh whatever.
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@Jillian–I agree, it’s a pretty obnoxious cake, though it’s kind of morbidly fascinating, too. I can’t help wonder what Freud would say about it. He’d probably come up with something about eating and its erotic effects with regards to secret wish fulfillment and repressed desires for dead parents…. bleh.
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I think he’d say sometimes a cake is just a cake.
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You know that cake needs? An airplane sized bottle of booze sticking out the top, so the lucky lady that receives that nasty ass cake can do a shot from it.
Yup,
*tapping temple*
Always thinkin.
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Mike~ well written and to the point. Looks like you got thru to her too. I commend you. Point is many of us want what we want putting aside our self-respect and without self respect for oneself the relationship will not last.
Cake isn’t so bad, hilarious to me actually, but I do have a warped sense of humor.
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Cool you think so, I think I got through to her too.
Self respect is the secret. If you don’t have it you can never have a balanced relationship, he or she will always steam roll you because you allow it.
Vagina cake is on the horizon, gonna start a new trend… Hmmm shaved, landing strip or Wookie?
Oh, you’re just hilarious. HI-LARIOUS. That’s right. Because that cake will be SO much better.
Buttface.
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This is the same things I want people to know. Its exceedingly frustrating to hear the same stories again and again. Great job!
Princess´s last blog ..Mom Always Said Fight Nicely – Part 2
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