Abusive wife? or bad power balance?
I got this letter a few days ago and I wanted to share it with you. Jim said he might stop by and look at the comment section so please give him the wonderful advice you have given in the past. – Mike
Mike,
I’ve always had this feeling that there is a balance in a relationship….and that gets imbalanced after a while. I’ve always had a hard time putting my finger on exactly what it is and what makes up that balance though.
I found your site Googling: relationship balance power attraction interest These seem to be some of the fundamental components….and I was looking for more.
Reading this prompted me to email you: Using what you can’t stand about that asshole
I was actually MAKING my own lists when I found your site. I’m trying to talk myself into divorcing my wife. We have broken up before marriage and almost divorced during marriage 5 or 6 times at least. I know in my gut it will never improve into what I really want out of a relationship…kids make it difficult…but I cant blame it all on that because I stayed even before kids.
I have told friends and so many married people alike. Kids will later understand and appreciate when unhappy parents divorce! I have six parents and I would not wish any of them on each other. The common view point is that you can and must try to make it work for the children and I agree with this, to a degree. I will be the first to admit I am not a marriage expert but… as a teacher I know how unhappy dynamics affect children. If there is poison in the house the kids are deeply affected, this is not something you can shelter them from, even if you tell each other in a whisper to burn in hell. The kids know, they always know. So… the question really is, which is the lesser of two evils. Clearly only you can make the best guess.
Anyway, I listened to your ipod list. I was taken a bit back. So much of it sounds like I could have written it myself….including the racist parents part. She is Korean, and we used to have to hide for me to see her. There is an extreme anger and mis-trust in her core that was there before we met….she has a very dim view of human nature in general, and I don’t think it’s ever going to go away.
In most addictive situations the negative is tucked away immediately by the subconscious so as to not have to act on it. To force awareness in my situation I made multiple lists and recorded them. Whenever I felt the pang of loss, I listened to my list. Initially it was (not kidding) 10 times a day. This worked amazingly well and slowly pried my cold dead fingers off of my addiction. Please read the post about how to use “spotlighting” to break an addictive pattern.
FWIW (for what it’s worth) I have divided my list up into things I didn’t like about her AND things I feel I did wrong. In addition to trying to do a better job choosing a girl next time, I feel I am responsible for allowing myself to live that way and be treated that way and I intend to learn from it so as not to keep burning my fingers off.
Killer, you clearly get it. Obviously you are very similar to me and many other guys out there. You are the nice one, the one that the fiery angry woman is attracted to. My dad is the same and has married one of the meanest women I have ever met. It is painful to watch since he is in the twilight of his life but I will get him free!!!
One thing I am grappling with right now relative to the relationship balance of…..whatever all it is made up of…is whether it is ever truly equal….if there is ever truly a 50/50 balance. I tend to believe right now that it is not ever truly a 50/50. That the one who has even a bit more interest/attraction…whatever……than the other one will be on the short end of the Power component in a relationship….even if the balance is only off a bit.
A quote I like: Nearly all men can withstand adversity. If you want a true test of a man’s character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln
The quote doesn’t say a lot for my wife’s character.
Power balance is what my entire site is based on. This one concept is the most most most important component of any smooth relationship. If one does not understand this or instinctively does not know to fight for power they are inevitably walked on. If someone is aware does that mean there is a 50/50 balance? Maybe with two corpses but people are alive, dynamic and the struggle/shifting for power does not stop. Just today I watched my friends boxers playing in the back yard. The female is a sausage shaped, baboon faced bitch that dominates over the lean younger wussy male. She clearly has the power even though he is a stronger and smarter dog. Is this a fault in her character? Yes it is but… you have given her this power and as a result she has assaulted you with disgust at having given it. I am happy things are becoming more clear but I caution you to avoid the pitfalls I have suffered. It will take years and a lot of work to place your healthy choices on auto pilot.
I would prefer a balanced relationship….I’m just not sure that that is realistic. I’ve been on top and on the bottom of the power balance. The relationship before my wife I was on top. I was good in that I never got hurt or too riled up over any of the disagreements. What I didn’t like was that it wasn’t as exciting or fulfilling as the one before that when I was off my rocker first-love in love.
Trying to plan my next moves and convince myself to abandon my sinking ship of a marriage.
- John
John, a balanced relationship is totally realistic and something many people around you experience daily. Clearly this relationship is not going to take a radical turn even if you take power back. The person you are with is rooted in her unhappiness by her family. She is not going to bounce back and be wonderful tomorrow, next week or next year. It is time to give your problem to some other guy that needs to learn the same lesson. Like the brief illumination at the bottom of a well, life is fleeting. Don’t hesitate to grab your happiness before the chance winks out.
So I still need some more entries on the embarrassing story contest. Got a few that are truly nasty and don’t miss my story! (I think that should win).
Click on the pink box to enter…
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I am an adult child of divorced parents. Mine split up when I was in my early twenties after about 7 years of sheer hell for all of us. Their relationship was disintegrating for a long time, but they didn’t split right away because the years before that were really good. I can understand this. However. Because they were so preoccupied with their own problems, they were not present for me and my two siblings. We were left to fend for ourselves, plus we took on the role of caretaker for our mother, who had the roughest time emotionally. I do think this was very unfair.
When I was 28, I married a man who was very much like my own father. Took me years to realize this, and to admit that the unhappiness I felt in my own marriage was not normal, and not going away. By the time I realized this, we had two children, ages 2 and 4. The biggest deciding factor for me to leave the marriage was that I was modeling an unhealthy relationship for my children. We didn’t argue in front of them nor much at all – our ways of conducting a marriage were vastly different from each other and there was a huge divide in ways we lived our daily lives and worked out conflicts. It’s hard to explain, except to say arguing didn’t seem to be a solution, nor did it seem worth the effort.
So, when our children were 2 and 4, my husband and I split up. I moved to an apartment 5 blocks away. We shared custody and access 50/50, which worked (and still does) very well. Because I left, I forced my ex to become an involved father. Before then, he had never had the kids on his own, and so they would naturally come to me to fulfill all of their needs. Because I left, he is a great dad. Because I left, my kids see me happy, and him happy. They don’t see a negative marriage that they would inevitably subconsciously repeat.
Our kids are now 6 and 8, and I can honestly say they are very happy and well-adjusted. My ex and I live within 1 kilometre of each other, and are great co-parents. We both attend school concerts, birthday parties, etc. We have always put the kids first, and are very flexible with our schedules when necessary. I’ve had people tell me I have the best kind of parenting set-up – I have my kids half the time, and the other half they are happily with their father while I pursue my own goals and take care of myself.
I’m about to get remarried. The man I chose is a wonderful family man (he has three kids himself) and lovely person in general. He and I get along like peas and carrots, and my kids love him and his kids. I feel very confident demonstrating to our kids what a healthy happy marriage looks like.
Has everything been easy? Hell no. There have been many times I have had to bite bite bite my tongue with regards to my ex. But it’s totally worth it to preserve the image my kids have of their father. It’s such an important relationship! Many people don’t understand that I left my husband so that we would have a more balanced relationship with our kids. They don’t understand my anger at the time came from him not being the father our kids (any kids, for that matter) needed him to be – involved.
Obviously I don’t agree that staying together is better for children. I think happy parents who have the brain-space to properly raise their children is best!
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YES! I totally agree with you. Don’t fuck up your kids because you don’t have the courage to get a divorce.
I had a wonderful stepfather that raised me and I would not have it any other way and neither would my real father. I hope that your kids are raised by as good a guy as I was. Granted we are a bit at odds now! but I was loved and that is what matters.
I have always gotten along well with my ex for the sake of our child. Sure there have been arguments, even some big ones, but I have always apologized if I was in the wrong and vice versa. I think it makes things much easier for my son and has allowed him to be more well adjusted. I stop over at my ex’s family things once in a while and I get along with his girlfriend(s) over the years and his one currently. My parents’ divorce was very bitter and hurt all of us kids, probably contributing to my fear of commitment and my complete self-reliance. Parents staying together for the children messes them up just as much. Being a father of divorced kids may make your job harder than it is now, but would also allow them to really see your personality and not your marriage personality. Would your wife allow her unhappiness to taint your children? After the period of adjustment would she also be happier? You also have to remember that no one will love your kids like you and your wife. When you are an old man you won’t be able to share the memories of their life up to this point with anyone else. Holidays won’t be celebrated as a family and some of the balance of how an intact family operates will not be the same. Will you be able to work with your ex through teenage years, going to college, marriages? Sometimes people overlook these parts. Just things to add to your list…
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good point Cara thanks for adding that. If John wants to move to another place how would that affect the kids. Having a good relationship with your ex is imperative for the health of the kids. Fortunately I grew up with that!
As another kid with six parents (Mike, we really should start a club), I gotta say that the single best thing that all of my parents did for my sisters and me was to present a united front. No matter which house we were at, or which parent we were with, the rules, rewards, punishments, and expectations were the same. And birthdays and holidays weren’t bad–we had a system of alternating that worked really well and now that I’m married, we’ve worked my in-laws into the rotation (though they don’t like that there’s a rotation, but that’s a different issue!). As for weddings and graduations–everyone gets together and has a great time without fighting or bickering because all of the parents are too busy being proud and happy for us kids!
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