The cheating gene, who does it and why
Evil cheaters?
The first time I encounter infidelity
I remember vividly the first time I was ever unfaithful (does that mean there was a second?). I had just met the girl of my dreams. We had similar views and we were both enrolled at Westmont, a Christian college in Santa Barbara. Everything was going perfectly… until I ran into my ex girlfriend. Now, I have to confess something, usually when I tell this story I soften it and say it was only weeks after I met Karen, implying that we were not that serious and I not such a bastard. Here is the truth, It was three or more months into our very serious and committed relationship. Karen didn’t live with me but we were about a month away. Simply put we were on a love high, religious high and about as emotionally stoned as that guy you see hanging outside of Starbucks. In our euphoria the last thing we expected was this.
Foreshadowing
The first time I sensed something was wrong was when Karen and I saw the movie The English Patient, saying we hated it was an understatement. If we could have covered the author in boiling tar and lit it on fire it would not have been enough. You probably haven’t seen The English Patient, it stared Ralph Fiennes, an even more dead eyed muppet actor than Kevin Costner. We hated Ralph but we also hated the premise, a story rooted in infidelity. Karen and I were in denial, demanding the illusion of our unshakable fidelity. We believed we were more solid than than the uniformity of good reviews on this movie, how wrong everyone was…
I am in shock
I met my ex by accident at a restaurant, I was studying for an exam and she was detoxing after doing something slightly illegal. “Oh my god!!! Hey…” She says and I am forced into a big hug. My brain goes into a chocolate swoon as I feel her familiar large breasts press into me. She looks even more attractive than when I dated her two years before. The bad girl image had finally matured with a few more tattoos and piercings and her natural platinum hair appeared even lighter with her deep tan. “Wow, you look fantastic! I can’t believe it has been two years,” I said wishing I didn’t use the word fantastic. She beamed at me with pupils way too large and said, “We totally have to catch up! What is your number??” Without hesitation I gave it to her. This was just catching up and harmless I told myself. We met two weeks later for coffee when Karen was out of town. I had convinced myself it was purely innocent. My ex knew I was serious with someone and she would respect that… We could be friends… it would be fine… Karen would just get upset if I told her, so she doesn’t need to know… I can control myself…This dishonest dialog kept running in my head, telling me it was okay to put myself in such a dangerous position. We ended up on the beach with a bottle of wine, after four hours of resistance (foreplay) the inevitable happened.
I have never been so ashamed
I didn’t said a word until months later when my guilt came vomiting out. One sunny Saturday Karen and I ran into my secret, she was working at a coffee shop, “Oh my god!! Mike!!!” she said. I literally turned white, squeezed the blood out Karen’s hand and yanked her away from my terror. I couldn’t take the guilt I was harboring and when we arrived home I told her in such shame that I could have bottled the amount of fluid leaking from my face. Karen cried too and hit me over and over again. I took it… rolled up like a fetus on the floor sobbing instead of speaking. I hated myself for this and it took years to forgive. Karen and I stayed together for years until Karen did the same to me and she was just as shocked at her own behavior.
A few stats I have collected:
- 10-15% of all people on the planet have a different father than what they believe (my dad experienced this)
- Women are less likely to use contraceptive with people other than their partner
- Financially successful men are cheated on far less than unsuccessful
- Women are far more likely to orgasm with their lover than their partner
- Women are far more likely to get pregnant with their lover than their partner
- Younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.
- 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship
- Those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair.
- Divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent
- It is estimated that 53% of all people will have one or more affairs during their lifetime.
- 53% of Promise Keeper men viewed pornography the previous week in one study (keep those promises boys!!)
Cheating is in our DNA
What is going on here? Are we all evil immoral people, chomping at the bit to screw our lives up? Or is there something deeper making it very hard to do “the right thing”? When I cheated I was totally caught off guard, I felt as if I had been tricked and betrayed by my own mind. I thought that I had a little gremlin of evil living in my head that wanted to destroy me. What is wrong with people? It is almost as if infidelity is a sexual strategy for reproduction. Almost as if we still have an animal like drive that takes over the system to satisfy it’s agenda.
The elephant in the room
Humans are of two minds, one is an animal subconscious and the other is the newly evolved conscious mind. All of us has witnessed the subconscious pleasure seeking hijacking of the system, when we eat junk food on a diet or spend money we don’t have. However when we do irrational sexual acts that destroy our relationships we don’t see the correlation. It is easier to say that we are a horrible person or claim that our partner drove us to it. Is it really completely our fault? and are we absolved of that guilt due to DNA sabotage? I don’t believe we are absolved but we must become aware of what triggers the powerful subconscious animal. This is why a recovering alcoholic doesn’t go to bars and the person losing weight can’t have junk in the house. To do the right thing we must control our environment when WE (not the subconscious) is in charge. We cannot put ourselves in dangerous situations EVER because as we have seen most of our lives, the amount of discipline it takes to control the animal mind when is it on the path of destruction it is massive and most of us do not posses it.
- The arrogant conscious mind likes to ignore the subconscious but do not be fooled, it is there both helping and hurting you daily
- The animal mind is part of us but it can and must be trained
- Controlling yourself in a dangerous environment is like trying to stop an elephant when it wants to rut
- Infidelity can be expected but never tolerated
- Create huge nasty repercussions to control the subconscious (Thailand is the capital of penis decapitation, this would be an effective way to create a sexual speeding ticket, wink)
BTW having my first contest, starting today. click the picture to see the details and enter.
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Great post Mike. I actually have to agree with you on all of it! No Mike bashing today
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Well that is a first!
Anyone else besides me find it really interesting that we have a whole bunch of social and legal limits that say “Thou Shalt Not” when it comes to cheating? Guess it just underscores the facts of nature. But then we humans historically spend a lot of energy on controlling our inner drives to prove our true divinity or some such silliness. It all comes down to discipline–some have it, some don’t, but all of us can learn it, of that I am convinced!
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You know very often I agree with you but on this point I struggle. Maybe it is just semantics but the word discipline gets to me. This implies that we are the captain of this ship and that the boat goes where we say. However, I think this is very deceiving. I do not believe it is discipline that makes a good captain or not, rather it is the understanding of the ocean and acceptance of it’s challenges. Some of us our put in rougher seas and we have a much greater challenge living life. These people are the victims, the pointers, the ones saying “the world is against me!”
This is not the case and no matter how hard we force the tiller it may never go our way!
Ah, but the captain *does* have discipline–he has the strength of mind and will to observe the world, understand it, and impose his will upon it to guide a ship through difficult waters–he has training and a clarity of mind that allows him the opportunity to overcome “mere nature.” It is that discipline that made him captain after all. That’s not to say he won’t be caught off guard or hijacked from time to time, but because of his discipline, he won’t fall prey to challenges as often–he has the ability to recognize them, see them coming, and make his choices accordingly. And when he does get hijacked, if he will learn to recognize what hijacked him and make changes in his behavior, expectations, and responses accordingly. So yes, he’ll fall, but he will learn and adjust–if he WANTS too. He does not have to be prey to nature in every moment. This is my experience, personally speaking–I’ve had my moments of being caught off guard, I’ve changed my behavior, and I’ve imposed new limitations on my behavior to avoid such situations as much as I can. This requires discipline. Will I slip again? Undoubtedly, but not in the same way twice. And I will learn from the new slip, change my behavior and expectations as needed to avoid the likelihood of another such slip. Discipline. I recognize myself for what I am, seek to change that which doesn’t conform with what I want to myself, and move on. All discipline.
Now the victim *could* have discipline, but does not choose to pay attention to what happens in the world and exert his or her will upon the world via that knowledge–thus a lack of discipline. Knowledge requires discipline to acquire it, understand it, and use it to effect change. The victim either has never had the opportunity to overcome his or her limitations, or chooses not to. In both cases, the victim lacks some amount of discipline. It is much easier to say “Oh, woe is me, my life sucks!” than it is to say–”Well that situation really can’t happen again–what can *I* do to avoid it in the future”. And it’s even harder to follow through on that action of avoidance once identified. Yet another argument for discipline.
God did not give us the brains we have and then say–”Oh, but you don’t get to exert any control over your thoughts, actions, or choices.” I refuse to believe that the mind is so weak. I choose my destiny–and that requires discipline and humility to learn and grow as I make mistakes big and small.
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A point of clarification–by applying knowledge to nature through discipline, we also have to learn to work “with” nature. You can’t force a tiller against a current too strong for the ship, but you can learn to harness the current to pull yourself out of the fix–see it for what it is, and tack up wind!
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I used to be a cheater back in the day but I was young and immature. Now, I’m not saying that all who cheat are immature..but that was my justification. I sometimes think that cheating is in our genetic make up. Who wouldn’t want to taste all the flavors of the world? I can only imagine how hard it is for men to resist temptation when their primary reason is for mating/populating/reproducing. If I were a man, I would walk around with a major hard on trying to bone anything in my path, that’s just me though. Good thing I’m not a man.
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@Queeny So eloquent… I can’t imagine if I got to be a girl for a day. I can’t imagine how I would violate myself.