@RTM/Rose no one was in danger? Really? Nobody was safe here, there is a very real chance that somebody passed stuff on, maybe it was only HPV or a little bacteria but still, it could have been nasty.

@Ellle I like your analogy. We do cover people’s asses to have our own covered later. For me it was allowing a friend to grow.

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These two examples are totally different, nobody is in danger. In the second scenario, where someone was drunk and felt awful about it, I would have left it up to them. Usually I would scold someone but if they already feel awful about it, it’s their look out. A relationship is built on trust however, so I would think it best for him to tell the girlfriend because he might not be himself. That, or he tells a mild version of the story – maybe he ended up kissing a girl. Something like that, so he feels duly punished by his girlfriend, but she wont break up with him.

The example of the cheating fiance one is harder. I was once in a similar position, it would have been hard for me to tell the boyfriend because he lived in France (she in Germany), and didn’t speak each other’s languages. I also didn’t know for sure that he wasn’t doing the same. But I put her under immense pressure… Basically, this friend, she was 32, the Algerian in Paris was 25, he had leant her lots of money at one point (effectively – he bought her a car as a present, she intended to pay it back, and later did). I wouldn’t have minded SO much if the second relationship had been a genuine exploration of feelings like in your example, but it was literally just sex, with a 20 year old who was just using her as a booty call, a good 40 miles away, and another sort of friend of ours. There was a risk her boyfriend would find out – he sometimes would call out the blue you see, and at one point it occurred to her too – when she nearly had an accident on the road to the 20 year olds’ – how would she explain her journey if she ended up in hospital? So yeah… I put her under pressure to give it up, and I don’t regret that, she was not only potentially harming her boyfriend, but herself too. I didn’t do the dirty – it would have been difficult to anyway – but her hypocrisy put our friendship under a lot of strain, as I found her “player” mentality quite hard to accept, when coupled with stories of how two (the boyfriend and the friend) had proposed marriage, declaring love etc…

I think what I am saying, is that RTM, myself, and the other ladies who objected in the other scenario, are doing it more for the reasons explained by QTMama – because the victim was an expectant mother and an sTD was involved. I think even in the most innocent of cases above, if there was an STD involved, I would want them to tell their partners. In the case of my cheating friend, I kept harassing her to go to the clinic, and use condoms. Thank god, she was clean.

Finally, what good is any relationship without honesty and trust. I think my friend’s words as she got the all clear said it all:

“I was cheating on him you know, but I knew who I was sleeping with. We tell we each other we love each other, but I did that. He could have been cheating too – and then I might have caught something, AIDs, even, I don’t know who he is sleeping with….”

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